Argument168 好像越来越差了

bhnUID: 2177959

TOPIC: ARGUMENT168 - Typically, as people age, their bone mass decreases, making them more vulnerable to bone fractures. A recent study concludes that the most effective way to reduce the risk of fractures in later life is to take twice the recommended dose of vitamin D and calcium daily. The three-year study followed a group of French women in their eighties who were nursing-home residents. The women were given daily supplements of twice the recommended dose of vitamin D and calcium. In addition, the women participated in a light weightlifting program. After three years, these women showed a much lower rate of hip fractures than is average for their age.

15:05---16:02 426 words

outlines:
A.causal relation between ,.sample?weight lifting program
B.hip fractures,french women,eighty years, nursing-home,
B.other dose, other methord?

It is concluded that it is taking twice the recommended dose of the Vitamin D and Calcium daily that is the most effective way of reducing the risk of fractures in later life according to a three year study mentioned. The recommendation, however, is unconvincing after a close scrutiny.

Firstly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relation between the twice recommended dose of vitamin D and Calcium and the lower rate of hip fractures than average. As the number of the women are not mentioned,  there exist a good chance that the sample is too small , and those women are relatively healthier and thus suffer less from hip fractures than average. It is equally possible that it the lifting program they participate that accounts for the lower rate of fractures. Or perhaps, the lower rate is resulted from the good care from the nursing-home. Without considering and ruling out these possibilities, the arguer cannot distribute the lower rate of hip fractures to the new dose.

Secondly, even granting that the newly-recommended dose are effective to reduce the possibility of suffering hip fractures of those French women, it is still uncertain that the newly-recommended dose could also be equally effective to the all kind of fractures and other people. considering that deferent people of deferent ages, obviously, people of deferent races ,variant ages  have different features in physical condition, survey of those women is scant evidence to draw conclusion applied to  men, people of other counties, people not at the eighties. Furthermore, hip fracture is just one kind of all fractures, the arguer cannot arrive at the  conclusion unless he can demonstrate that all kinds of fractures occurs in the same way, which, of course, he have not.

Thirdly, even assuming that newly-recommended dose is effective to prevent fracture, the arguer fails to consider other dose, for example, third times of the recommended dose, other way of cure fractures. Only after test of the effectiveness of the dose and all the other way of treatment of preventing fractures are done, and the result really reveals that twice the recommended dose is most effective, can the arguer reach a convincing conclusion.

In sum, the conclusion is not logically accepted. To arrive an persuasive one, the arguer must try to find further,specific informantion to define that  twice the dose are the unique cause of the lower rate of those French women. To better assess it , I need further experiments dealing with all different of methods of preventing fractures involves people of different countries, gender, ages, performing.

WWWXXX2UID: 2143598

我觉得可以把TS写的形式多一些
不一定要用first secondly....来表达你的层次

pewcg8UID: 2143213

赞同楼上的,这样写太呆板,试着用有实际意义的句子来衔接文章.

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

first, second, third 这样写应该不是什么关键问题吧，改分的人应该不会在意这些东西，范文里面也有这样写的

bhnUID: 2177959

不用1，2，3，也是可以的，但觉得好像差不多。

大洋彼岸的梦想UID: 2209150

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永远的圣者UID: 2182901

这些天，一直没有时间，马上要考试了，相当心慌啊，写作还没有成型，这几天又搁下去了，阔别几日看可不可以改出什么。

首先能够注意到开头段中，bhn所有的主句和从句都用的是be动词，给人的感觉就是平平淡淡地在陈述一件事情，而A的口吻不应仅仅如此，应该展现给读者一种强烈的作者的观点，另外这样写给人的感觉变化不多，可以从这方面改进。

另外呢，梦想说的是有道理，这篇不多看了，去看你的I了