argument53 Ares战队第四次作业(by victor)

victorduguUID: 2176422

53.Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.


1) 也没有充分的理由证明这些infants的shyness与melatonin的increase有直接的关系。同时性并不能导致这种结果。而且也未提供详细的资料支持这种说melatonin会对shyness造成影响。
2) 没有充分的理由证明mild distress 就一定是shyness. 这种mild distress 可能代表着一种对于处界事物的敏感，但与shyness并没有直接的联系。
3) 即使melatonin对于婴儿的shyness 产生了直接的影响，也没有证据表明这些children的shyness是由原来的shyness所导致的。

The author concludes that infants are more likely to be shy owing to the increased levels of melatonin and the shyness will still exist in their later life. To bolster his conclusion, he cites a study in which 25 infants showed signs of distress when confronted with unusual stimuli and indicates that these infants tended to be born when their mother's production of melatonin increased. In addition, he also points out that these infants would have a character of shyness in their future life. However, these alone don't constitute a logical argument. As far as I am concerned, this argument suffers the following flaws.

To begin with, the argument observes a correlation between the increase of their mother's production of melatonin and the infants’ sensitivity to unfamiliar stimuli. Then it concludes that the former is the cause of the latter. However, the arguer fails to provide sufficient scientific evidence of the influence of the increase of melatonin on the infants' mild distress. Though he claims that melatonin can affect some brain functions, he can not infer that causing the infants' sensitivity is one of them. And it is entirely possible that other internal secretion can contribute to these infants' unusual reaction. Without further study and more convincing results, the author cannot justifiably conclude that the increased levels of melatonin had given rise to the infants' reaction.

Secondly, even assuming that cause and effect relationship between the levels of melatonin and the infants' unusual reaction does exist, the author assumes without warrant that the sensitivity can be identified as shyness. However, no evidence is stated in the argument to support this assumption. And he can not exclude other explanation for the infants' reaction. It is entirely likely that the mild distress showed by the infants can be attributed to physiological reactions, instead of psychological response, thus having nothing to do with shyness at all. Without ruling out such explanation, the author cannot convince me that the usual reaction can be regarded as shyness.

Finally, even assuming that the above two arguments are both reliable, the author falsely depends on gratuitous assumption that the shyness of the children had resulted from the shyness in their infancy. Common sense has informed us that the formation of one's character is a collaborative effect of both the environment in which he or she has been brought up, and his or her internal configuration, such as gene. The arguer fails to account for these factors of the children's shyness. Therefore, he cannot reasonably infer that the shyness in the children's character can be attributable to the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin in their infancy.

To sum up, to make his argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to the cause and effect relationship between the increase of their mother's melatonin and the mild distress of the infants. Additionally, he would have to substantiate that the mild distress can be regarded as shyness. Moreover, he needs to provide more evidence that the children's shyness had been brought about by the shyness in their infancy. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, the author's statement would have been more logically thorough.

gamblerboUID: 2212217

argument53 Ares战队第四次作业(by victor)

53.Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.


1) 也没有充分的理由证明这些infants的shyness与melatonin的increase有直接的关系。同时性并不能导致这种结果。而且也未提供详细的资料支持这种说melatonin会对shyness造成影响。（如果这里的shyness改为mild distress可能更好；那么下一段可以说“即使mild distress和melatonin有真正因果关系，也没有充分的理由证明mild distress一定就是shyness。这样可以完成一个逻辑上的递进，个人认为比较好。”）
2) 没有充分的理由证明mild distress 就一定是shyness. 这种mild distress 可能代表着一种对于处界事物的敏感，但与shyness并没有直接的联系。
3) 即使melatonin对于婴儿的shyness 产生了直接的影响，也没有证据表明这些children的shyness是由原来的shyness所导致的。

The author concludes that infants are more likely to be shy owing to the increased levels of melatonin and the shyness will still exist in their later life. （好！）To bolster his conclusion, he cites a study in which 25 infants showed signs of distress when confronted with unusual stimuli and indicates that these infants tended to be born when their mother's production of melatonin increased. In addition, he also points out that these infants would have a character of shyness in their future life. However, these alone don't constitute a logical argument. As far as I am concerned, this argument suffers the following flaws. //105words

To begin with, the argument observes a correlation between the increase of their mother's production of melatonin and the infants’ sensitivity to unfamiliar stimuli. Then it concludes that the former is the cause of the latter. However, the arguer fails to provide sufficient scientific evidence of the influence of the increase of melatonin on the infants' mild distress. Though he claims that melatonin can affect some brain functions, he can not infer that causing the infants' sensitivity is one of them. And it is entirely possible that other internal secretion can contribute to these infants' unusual reaction. Without further study and more convincing results, the author cannot justifiably conclude that the increased levels of melatonin had given rise to the infants' reaction.
（好！虽然和你的提纲有点出入，但是你这一段真的写得很出色。）

Secondly, even assuming that cause and effect relationship between the levels of melatonin and the infants' unusual reaction does exist, the author assumes without warrant that the sensitivity can be identified as shyness. However（这里构不成转折关系，建议改其他；如果你保留however，而把前面的without warrant删掉也比现在好一点。）, no evidence is stated in the argument to support this assumption. And he can not exclude other explanation for the infants' reaction. It is entirely likely that the mild distress showed by the infants can be attributed to physiological reactions, instead of psychological response, thus having nothing to do with shyness at all. Without ruling out such explanation （个人感觉不妥；建议换成possibility或其他）, the author cannot convince me that the usual （this；删usual） reaction can be regarded as shyness.

Finally, even assuming that the above two arguments are both reliable, the author falsely depends on gratuitous assumption that the shyness of the children had resulted from the shyness in their infancy. Common sense has informed us that the formation of one's character is a collaborative effect of both the environment in which he or she has been brought up, and his or her internal configuration, such as gene. The arguer fails to account for these factors of the children's shyness. Therefore, he cannot reasonably infer that the shyness in the children's character can be attributable to the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin in their infancy.

To sum up, （建议在此插入一句总结性或概括性的话。）to make his argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to the cause and effect relationship between the increase of their mother's melatonin and the mild distress of the infants. Additionally, he would have to substantiate that the mild distress can be regarded as shyness. Moreover, he needs to provide more evidence that the children's shyness had been brought about by the shyness in their infancy. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, the author's statement would have been more logically thorough. //95words

//个人感想：
1，        个人水平有限，语言方面没能提出实质性的建议。抱歉！并且，我觉得你的选择词语、句子衔接等方面的能力足够好了！
2，        如果可能建议缩短开头段和结尾段。原因一，开头段的句子改写和思路概括挺费时间，并且对辩驳没有实质性的帮助——除了能帮助理清思路，完全是鸡肋。原因二，不出意外，结尾段是没有时间打上100字左右的。或者打字足够快；或者中间还可以补充。个人觉得，完全可以利用这些时间在深化一下自己的论述或者增加辩论的广度。
3，        如果考试时30分钟内写出这种文章，绝对5.5以上！继续保持！！：）

victorduguUID: 2176422

对，谢谢mars的意见，我也正在考虑对开头跟结尾的方式作些修改，中间的确才是大头，需要最大程度地充实