ISSUE第一篇习作,题号不统一,但题目我已抄上,请高手指教(勿删啊)

想飞1984UID: 2228074

我的第一篇习作，考虑到题号不统一，题目我已经抄上了，还请大家指教：）这篇写了2.5h，希望自己的速度能快点提高。
先谢谢大家的意见了。以后我会陆续发我的习作的，大家也可以和我交流，我们共同进步：）


题目："People who puhrsue their own intellectual interests for purely personal reasons are more likely to benefit the rest of the world than are people who try to act for the public good."

正文：

Which is better,to purely seek for our own interests,or to act as the publics' appetite,to benefit our living society?The speaker prefers the former as the right priciple,by assertong that they do things because of their likeness,rather than to cater to others,which is the rule of doing things of the latter kind of person.In a certain degree it is right,but the speaker should have taken more situations into account,some will be presented here in my essay.

Under some circunstances,people,when confronted a dilemma-either to obey their own willingness,or to act for the public good,should take the first option,for instance,when we are in our childhood and want to learn some artic,as we grow up,when have entered a college and need to make a decision on what we should major in,when we are thinking about what should we present to our dear lover or parents as their birthday present,and when..., we should seek for the interests in our heart. If the above dicisions are made by the public interest instead of our taste,then,it will obviously not good to ourselves,not benefit to the public,and even may be harmful to the world.Choosing a kind of art which we hate,but is highly praised in our lives,our talents must be covered,since we arenot fond of the art,not a attainment can come to us.Even more,we may probably arise a feeling of hatred toward the society,and lead to the commitment of crimes.How dreadful it is!We never want it happens!It is the same reason of our having majors in colleges depend on our purely personal tastes.Concept of value varies form different persons,some certain societies may have a common sense of it,but commen sense does not stand for each individual.It is widely considered that diamond is siagnificantly cherishable,however,does it mean that only diamond can express our  deeply feelings to the persons we cherish?Present from the true heart,form our ture interest,even if you give your honnies nothing but a pretty dinner,or a tender kiss,will be the most valuable thing.Donot forget your true interest;donot forget your treasure.

Moreover,if something which shoud be determined by our own feelings,but be done to cater to the public,it will not only be harm to us,but also to others.As I mentioned in the above paragraph,cultivate your ture interest,will probably make you a famous person in your interested area,whlie taking the public taste as your living guidance,you may hardly get nothing.Thus can stimulate your resentment towards others,towards the world."I have done the same thing as he does,and even pour more energy in it.Why can he so excellent?Why can't I have the same achievement? "--These questions are ususlly asked by us.Having read my statement,you will find the reason,for why can't you be successful as the man you mentioned,for how can you get your aim at last,for either you should develop your turely interest,or conform yourselves to the public.

However,e may also pay our attention on the public interests sometimes.Determination were done wholly from individuals' likeness,our world will ultimately become chaotic.Let me cite two examples to explain why I make this statement here.First,let people do as their likes,some certain industries will collapse.Today,when we choose a profession,the first thing a large number of people should consider about must be the payment,secondly,may be the leisure they can own,and the working environment,the repute of their vocations are also taken into their accountment.Perhaps hardly a man desire to take a lower-paid job,which also leaves you merely a little time to have a rest.People always want more earnings,but less work.Consequently,there will not enough labor force for the arduous,low-paid work,this will cause the depression of these industries,however,as is known to all,each industry has its own function in our daily lives and productions,all industries construct our steady industries structure.For lacking of any industry,is like a man without a arm or a leg.We call man's incompeteness of body handicapped,a society lacks any industry,is also a disabled man.This kind of society,also the same kind of world,will be chaotic.It is not fit for living in.The second thing a want to use as a sample here is in relation to our lives.Life is precious to every human beings,but if it conflicts with our nations,what should we do?We live in a world that wars still exist,that countless people lost their lives for their country.Nobody want to be killed,even if the badly-illed,confronted with the safeness of our nations,our world,personal interest seems tiny.To ensure the benefit of the overall situation,which can also effectively influence our individuals, we should,and must act for the public good.

In summary,the world need us to improve our own interests,and to do as the society good,we choose different options under various conditions.

KellyClarksonUID: 2176602

"In a certain degree it is right,but the speaker should have taken more situations into account,some will be presented here in my essay."
----There are two sentences in the above. Add "and" to connect them.

Same problem also exists in other sentences.Like:

Under some circunstances,people,when confronted a dilemma-either to obey their own willingness,or to act for the public good,should take the first option,for instance,when we are in our childhood and want to learn some artic,as we grow up,when have entered a college and need to make a decision on what we should major in,when we are thinking about what should we present to our dear lover or parents as their birthday present,and when..., we should seek for the interests in our heart.

the example in body 1 could be better if you do not go to extremes. Just focus on the importance of interest for people to achieve in real life.
The second example in body 2, the diamond example, is kind of confusing and makes the reader lost. It is not very appropriate.

Body 2 is a little repeitive. It contends the same topic with body1.


Example in body3 is good, but your description is a little wordy. Try to keep it concise.

In all, this essay is a good start. What you need is to keep your essay more organized with more classic examples. There are much more better examples you can use. And watch our the grammars and usage of vocabs. Finally, keep it concise to the sentence and that will make your expression more clear to the readers.

想飞1984UID: 2228074

你得批改对我有很大帮助，我会改进并继续努力的，也希望你能常来看看啊

只是在时间这个问题上，该不该限定时间来写呢？？我8月14号就考试了，但毕竟我才刚开始练，我准备下周开始再限时，可又会不会有点晚呢？？请大家给点意见吧。

KELLY你觉得呢？

谢谢回帖的同志们啦

KellyClarksonUID: 2176602

it is not late for your to start writing it with the time limit next week.
You should not start it right now. Your focus should be on the analysis of topics and the training of logic, and the organization of essay.

Think critically will help you a lot. After all, it is analytical writing. No one can obtain high grade without thinking hard and critically.

宝妹UID: 2179801

题目："People who puhrsue their own intellectual interests for purely personal reasons are more likely to benefit the rest of the world than are people who try to act for the public good."

正文：

Which is better,to purely seek for our own interests,or to act as the publics' appetite,to benefit our living society?The speaker prefers the former as the right priciple,by assertong that they do things because of their likeness,rather than to cater to others,which is the rule of doing things of the latter kind of person.In a certain degree it is right,but the speaker should have taken more situations into account,some will be presented here in my essay.

Under some circunstances,people,when confronted a dilemma-either to obey their own willingness,or to act for the public good,should take the first option,for instance,when we are in our childhood and want to learn some artic,as we grow up,when have entered a college and need to make a decision on what we should major in,when we are thinking about what should we present to our dear lover or parents as their birthday present,and when..., we should seek for the interests in our heart. If the above dicisions are made by the public interest instead of our taste,then,it will obviously not good to ourselves,not benefit to the public,and even may be harmful to the world.Choosing a kind of art which we hate,but is highly praised in our lives,our talents must be covered,since we arenot fond of the art,not a attainment can come to us.Even more,we may probably arise a feeling of hatred toward the society,and lead to the commitment of crimes.How dreadful it is!We never want it happens!It is the same reason of our having majors in colleges depend on our purely personal tastes.Concept of value varies form different persons,some certain societies may have a common sense of it,but commen sense does not stand for each individual.It is widely considered that diamond is siagnificantly cherishable,however,does it mean that only diamond can express our  deeply feelings to the persons we cherish?Present from the true heart,form our ture interest,even if you give your honnies nothing but a pretty dinner,or a tender kiss,will be the most valuable thing.Donot forget your true interest;donot forget your treasure.

Moreover,if something which shoud be determined by our own feelings,but be done to cater to the public,it will not only be harm to us,but also to others.As I mentioned in the above paragraph,cultivate your ture interest,will probably make you a famous person in your interested area,whlie taking the public taste as your living guidance,you may hardly get nothing.Thus can stimulate your resentment towards others,towards the world."I have done the same thing as he does,and even pour more energy in it.Why can he so excellent?Why can't I have the same achievement? "--These questions are ususlly asked by us.Having read(时态用得不对) my statement,you will find the reason,for why can't you be successful as the man you mentioned,for how can you get your aim at last,for either you should develop your turely interest,or conform yourselves to the public.(此段说明要具体点,详细点更好)

However,e may also pay our attention on the public interests sometimes.Determination were done wholly from individuals' likeness,our world will ultimately become chaotic.Let me cite two examples to explain why I make this statement here.First,let people do as their likes,some certain industries will collapse.Today,when we choose a profession,the first thing a large number of people should consider about must be the payment,secondly,may be the leisure they can own,and the working environment,the repute of their vocations are also taken into their accountment.Perhaps hardly a man desire to take a lower-paid job,which also leaves you merely a little time to have a rest.People always want more earnings,but less work.Consequently,there will not enough labor force for the arduous,low-paid work,this will cause the depression of these industries,however,as is known to all,each industry has its own function in our daily lives and productions,all industries construct our steady industries structure.For lacking of any industry,is like a man without a arm or a leg.We call man's incompeteness of body handicapped,a society lacks any industry,is also a disabled man.This kind of society,also the same kind of world,will be chaotic.It is not fit for living in.The second thing a want to use as a sample here is in relation to our lives.Life is precious to every human beings,but if it conflicts with our nations,what should we do?We live in a world that wars still exist,that countless people lost their lives for their country.Nobody want to be killed,even if the badly-illed,confronted with the safeness of our nations,our world,personal interest seems tiny.To ensure the benefit of the overall situation,which can also effectively influence our individuals, we should,and must act for the public good.

In summary,the world need us to improve our own interests,and to do as the society good,we choose different options under various conditions.

次文作为第一篇，觉得写得很不错的，分析得也很到位，就是如果举一些实例就好了，而且有一些语法上的错误要改正。继续努力吧！！