Issue36 『越洋农场第八次作业』未限时，边写边吐

alfred0516UID: 2214165

ISSUE36 - "The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."

以前写过一遍；这次写的时候总想抠点新东西出来，但最后发现还是原来那点东东；好像思维陷在某个地方出不来了。希望多提意见：

Outline：
正文1： 由于一些特定的因素（如科技和教育还没有普及到一定的程度，受教育者和illiterates 之间的gap比较大；现代信息交流方式还未出现，人于人缺乏沟通，等等），个人的伟大只能或者说不得不由后世承认。
正文2： 人们（无论是contemporaries还是those who live after them）能否承认个人的伟大直接决定于他们是否从这些sages的思想，行为或者发明创造中直接或间接受益。
正文3： 个人创造自身的伟大，其他人只是discover。所以the greatness of individuals 只能被自己“decided”。

WORDS: 672          TIME: 上午 0:59:44          DATE: 2006-7-26

Great minds form the main tune of our history. Some are memorized by people for centuries; some has faded not long after the termination of their lives; and some even haven't ever appeared in our memories. Therefore, the question is raised on whether the greatness of individuals is decided by those who live after them or by their contemporaries. The speaker asserted that it can only be decided by the former one, which I'm quite disagreeing with it. In my view, the speaker should take into account more situations.

I admit, for so is the fact that, as a result of various reasons, some of them get acknowledged only by those who live after them. Great minds usually think in such different ways that they were often beyond the apprehension of the most. Especially, as long as we have considered those years when formal education was available only to the few, when science and technology was still in bud, and when modern information communication was still in its placenta, we won't have the heart to blame the ignorance of the most. The example of Nikola Tesla would serve a cogent example. Nikola Tesla was one of the weirdest and smartest men of his time. He is responsible for many modern inventions that we use now and take for granted today:  air conditioning; air flight and motor powered boats (this was the time of the steamship and railroads); to the coolest thing - a hypersensitive vacuum tube to detect ghosts. However, much of his work was so ahead of his time that it was not practical and had no use at the time. Therefore, nobody accepted him. Albeit not given, in his time, the credit he deserves and not treated the way he should have been, Tesla, almost a century later after his death, is being recognized as the great genius that he was.

However, we can not infer from the vindication above that the greatness of all individuals could solely accepted by those who live after them, simply because we have seen so many that have attain the acknowledgment of their coevals. Let us view from the ground of this phenomenon. The main factor that determine whether those sages could be accepted lies greatly in how much people have benefited from or positively affected by those great deeds and ideas, inventions and contributions. Even the acknowledgment by later generations is resulted from the direct or indirect benefits other than from the exact realization the greatness of their forerunners. In Iraq, Saddam Hussein is regarded by some Iraqis as a hero, because he fought for the sovereignty of Iraq; while in the U.S., he is reviled as a demon, because he made the U.S. in chaos: stock market depression, gasoline price hike, mounting taxation rate. Yet whilst, if most or even some of the inventions of Nikola Tesla were useful in his time, then I believe that he must have been acknowledged by his coevals one hundred years ago, not have to wait for so long a time.   

In addition, what I have to emphasize here is that the greatness of individuals cannot be "decided" by any one except themselves. It would exist for good the minute it was created. Just like the air, greatness of individuals, though sometimes we could not feel it, exists for all the time.  It is quite another thing that whether people could acknowledge them. And what's more it is not because of people's acknowledgment but because those great minds have really done something that greatness takes shape. Great minds decide it; others discover it.

To sum up, the idea of the speaker is quite extreme; as a matter of fact, the greatness of individuals, just like what I have explained above, can be accepted not only by those who live after them, but also by their contemporaries. Nevertheless, the greatness of individuals is created by themselves, and others' role is to discover it. I know that it may sound a little bit passive, but it is true.

bearhjUID: 2218990

写得不错啊，嘿嘿~~~~
不过就是最后一段的最后一句，个人认为没有什么必要。因为议论文就是要陈述自己的观点，能说服别人就可以了。没有必要像中国式思维那样谦虚吧。

P.S. 怎样才能做到文章看起来丰富一点啊？看完你的，就觉得自己那篇简直烂到不行，单词和句型都不够好~~~~请教一下:):)

alfred0516UID: 2214165

原帖由 bearhj 于 2006-7-27 19:31 发表
写得不错啊，嘿嘿~~~~
不过就是最后一段的最后一句，个人认为没有什么必要。因为议论文就是要陈述自己的观点，能说服别人就可以了。没有必要像中国式思维那样谦虚吧。

P.S. 怎样才能做到文章看起来丰富一点啊 ...

嘿嘿，最后一段是自己硬塞上去的；自己也怎么看怎么别扭。。。多谢提醒！
其实我也不太知道怎么让文章饱满一点，不知道如果多一点对举例的analysis，然后思维再发散一些是不是会好一点。。。唉，看了其他战友的exercise，最深的感受就是理科跟文科的思维就是不一样，不知道这是不是ENGLISH MAJOR的通病:mad:     希望能一起探讨探讨～:)

pewcg8UID: 2143213

Outline：
正文1： 由于一些特定的因素（如科技和教育还没有普及到一定的程度，受教育者和illiterates 之间的gap比较大；现代信息交流方式还未出现，人于人缺乏沟通，等等），个人的伟大只能或者说不得不由后世承认。
正文2： 人们（无论是contemporaries还是those who live after them）能否承认个人的伟大直接决定于他们是否从这些sages的思想，行为或者发明创造中直接或间接受益。
正文3： 个人创造自身的伟大，其他人只是discover。所以the greatness of individuals 只能被自己“decided”。

WORDS: 672          TIME: 上午 0:59:44          DATE: 2006-7-26
文章先不说好不好,写的这么多,确实不易.
Great minds form the main tune of our history. Some are memorized by people for centuries; some has(have注意名词的数,开头段一定减少错误!) faded not long after the termination of their lives; and some even haven't ever appeared in our memories. (这个therefore前后之间的关系好象不太紧)Therefore, the question is raised on whether the greatness of individuals is decided by those who live after them or by their contemporaries. The speaker asserted that it can only be decided by the former one, which I'm quite disagreeing with it. In my view, the speaker should take into account more situations.(我个人感觉ISSUE里边还是不要假设这个speaker,北美范文不是都是可取的.)
开头的首句写的短促有力,但是后边稍微有点跑,最后又拽了回来,感觉还能更好.

I admit, for so is the fact that, as a result of various reasons,(这句写的结构有点混乱,开头的句子一定要表意清楚.) some of them get acknowledged only by those who live after them. Great minds usually think in such different ways that they were often beyond the apprehension of the most.(用most people可能会更清楚点的) Especially, as long as we have considered those years when formal education was available only to the few, when science and technology was still in bud, (好句)and when modern information communication was still in its placenta, we won't have the heart to blame the ignorance of the most.(不知道这样说是否可以?) The example of Nikola Tesla would serve (serve as 吧?)a cogent example. Nikola Tesla was one of the weirdest and smartest men of his time. He is responsible for many modern inventions that we use now and take for granted today:  air conditioning; air flight and motor powered boats (this was the time of the steamship and railroads); to the coolest thing - a hypersensitive vacuum tube to detect ghosts. However, much of his work was so ahead of his time that it was not practical and had no use at the time. Therefore, nobody accepted him. Albeit not given, in his time, the credit he deserves and not treated the way he should have been, Tesla, almost a century later after his death, is being recognized as the great genius that he was.(举例之后一定要总结!)
本段观点和例子不错,就是语言上还要再琢磨琢磨,觉得一些句子有点别扭.注意AW强调的是思想和逻辑，修辞不是重点,长短句要结合,不要从句一个套一个.

However, (过度不畅)we can not infer from the vindication above that the greatness of all individuals could solely accepted by those who live after them, simply because we have seen so many that have attain the acknowledgment of their coevals. (TS太长,不利于得分.)Let us view from the ground of this phenomenon. The main factor that determine (determines注意，第二次出现数的问题.)whether those sages could be accepted lies greatly in how much (many,这是ETS所谓的小错误,就是一篇文章中的一两个不影响得5,6分!)people have benefited from or positively affected by those great deeds and ideas, inventions and contributions. Even the acknowledgment by later generations is resulted from the direct or indirect benefits other than from the exact realization the greatness of their forerunners. In Iraq, Saddam Hussein is regarded by some Iraqis as a hero, because he fought for the sovereignty of Iraq; while in the U.S., he is reviled as a demon, because he made the U.S. in chaos: stock market depression, gasoline price hike, mounting taxation rate. Yet whilst, if most or even some of the inventions of Nikola Tesla were useful in his time, then I believe that he must have been acknowledged by his coevals one hundred years ago, not have to wait for so long a time. (这里很好，把上面的例子再拿来说,这个例子用的充分.)   

In addition, what I have to emphasize here is that the greatness of individuals cannot be "decided" by any one except themselves. It would exist for good the minute it was created.(有误) Just like the air, greatness of individuals, though sometimes we could not feel it, exists for(多余) all the time.  It is quite another thing that whether people could acknowledge them. And what's more it is not because of people's acknowledgment but because those great minds have really done something that greatness takes shape. Great minds decide it; others discover it.

To sum up, the idea of the speaker is quite extreme; as a matter of fact, the greatness of individuals, just like what I have explained above, can be accepted not only by those who live after them, but also by their contemporaries. Nevertheless, the greatness of individuals is created by themselves, and others' role is to discover it. I know that it may sound a little bit passive, but it is true.

总结:1.先把好的放前面说,观点很有见地,并且在文章按顺序进行了详细的展开分析.
2.全文的开头第一句我很喜欢,短促有力.]
3.举的例子很好,学识比较广博.
现在是问题:
1.最严重的是文章不知道怎么回事读起来很累,总觉得不顺,刚刚进入境界了,又被一串混乱的从句加独立主格打断,句式有的地方明显看出人工拼凑的感觉.
2.过度不顺畅,没有有效的过度手段.
3.语法错误和表意不清楚的地方大概不下五处.
建议你研读一下AW的ISSUE范文，看看他里边的语言运用，我觉得你和范文是形似神不似，还没有搞到ETS的精髓上，但是至少做到形似已经很不容易了．说实话，我第一次读到你这种风格的文章，我会再仔细研究一下的，一些批评的意见可能有点狠，但是是我的习惯，我这么狠的修改就是希望你好好收拾我的文章．骂狠点．