argument48 越洋农场作业队geniego

geniegoUID: 201395

48The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.

"Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness. Today, the board says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. But since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does."


1.整体的健康水平和电脑使用率不够成任何的因果关系
2．在健康消费品的花销减少不足以证明导致健康水平下降
3．即便是有健康消费品减少引起，也不能推之经济水平下降

字数：476 时间：1h35min
The argument is not cogent enough, because the arguer states several reasons without causation related to their conclusions, such as the relationship between health level and computer ownership, health level and health products expenditures, decline in economy and health products expenditures.

First of all, there is little relationship between high computer using ratio and fitness level, it is illogical from the both high levels to conclude that using computer has not weakened the fit. Because the computer has world spread in these years, and the country of Corpora has the highest computer ownership, that is to mean there was a high increasing in this country. And there is a notably decline in the fitness level from a half to a quarter. So it is unreasonable to state the conclusion just from a recent situation. It is quite possible that, comparing with other countries, the fitness level was much higher 20 years ago, but recently just a little bit higher. Moreover, high computer ownership does not mean high computer using ratio. Perhaps, this country is a computer producing base, so the computers here are all use to transport to other places.


What is more, it is quite illogical to get to the conclusion that declined economy lead to fitness declining. First of all, we all kwon the richest country was not the healthiest. And good economy condition necessarily leads to working presses and less leisure time, so health is always ignored for earning. On the contrary, decline in economy might make people to focus on exercising and more leisure time to have a rest. In addition, the decline in health level is a complicated issue mixed with reasons. Perhaps some diseases happened in this area, and environmental pollution might lead to terribly health problems, also the changing living habits, related to television, air conditioner, and computer, all effects on human health.
There is another flaw in the connotative assumption that low expenditure on fitness-related products and services means the decline in economy. In fact, there is little relationship between economy and expenditure on fitness. After all, it is just so small a part of economy and have even no effect on the whole situation of economy which actually related to the producing, transporting and construction. These standards would indicate the condition of economy but not the expenditure of fitness products.

Even, the decline in expenditure of health products and services could not be the reason of decline in fitness, because there are many kinds of sports free, such as running, walking, and dancing. And maybe the government organized some programs, so citizens can exercise without paying. So less expenditure does not mean less exercises and less healthy.

All in all, the author illogical assert some conclusion which in fact could not be held by the causation, and the reasons are unwarranted to prove the arguer’ stand point  

alfred0516UID: 2214165

The argument is not cogent enough, because the arguer states several reasons without causation related to their conclusions, such as the relationship between health level and computer ownership, health level and health products expenditures, decline in economy and health products expenditures. （开头最好是复述或是转述一下the arguer的观点, 然后在提出自己的观点。）

First of all, there is little relationship between high computer using ratio and fitness level, it is illogical from the both high levels to conclude that using computer has not weakened the fit. Because the computer has world spread in these years, and the country of Corpora has the highest computer ownership, that is to mean there was a high increasing in this country. And there is a notably decline in the fitness level from a half to a quarter. So it is unreasonable to state the conclusion just from a recent situation. It is quite possible that, comparing with other countries, the fitness level was much higher 20 years ago, but recently just a little bit higher.（这句话感觉有点表意不明，呵呵，建议改一下） Moreover, high computer ownership does not mean high computer using ratio. Perhaps, this country is a computer producing base, so the computers here are all use to transport to other places.


What is more, it is quite illogical to get to the conclusion that declined economy lead to fitness declining（decline可以作名词）. First of all, we all kwon the richest country was not the healthiest. And good economy condition necessarily leads to working presses and less leisure time, so health is always ignored for earning. On the contrary, decline in economy might make people to（删掉） focus on exercising and more leisure time to have a rest. In addition, the decline in health level is a complicated issue mixed with reasons. Perhaps some diseases happened in this area, and environmental pollution might lead to terribly health problems, also the changing living habits, related to television, air conditioner, and computer, all effects on human health.（从这里分一段比较好）There is another flaw in the connotative assumption that low expenditure on fitness-related products and services means the decline in economy. In fact, there is little relationship between economy and expenditure on fitness. After all, it is just so small a part of economy and have even no effect on the whole situation of economy which actually related to the producing, transporting and construction. These standards would indicate the condition of economy but not the expenditure of fitness products.（如果改为these standards, other than the expenditure of fitness products, would indicate the condition of economy.会不会好一点？ ）

Even, the decline in expenditure of health products and services could not be the reason of decline in fitness, because there are many kinds of sports free（free这样用好像表意不太清楚）, such as running, walking, and dancing. And maybe the government organized some programs, so citizens can exercise without paying. So less expenditure does not mean less exercises and less healthy. （我认为这一段应该作为论述的重点，所以笔墨可以稍微多一点；而前面几段可以适当压缩一点。）

All in all, the author illogical assert some conclusion（首先，illogical是adj，其次据我所知assert好像是vi一般接clause. 蜗牛建议：the author illogically reaches a conclusion） which in fact could not be held by the causation, and the reasons are unwarranted to prove the arguer’ stand point（这句话跟前面一句重复了）


 读完你这篇，一个总体的感觉就是：在论证逻辑上还是没什么大问题的，但是对于句子的打造，蜗牛觉得还要多注意。特别是有些地方要避免表意不明。语法上，基本没有问题；不过还是要留心一些词的用法（vi/vt, adj/adv）.文章的基本结构还是不错的；只是开头最好引一下the author的观点和论据。

                                              …………By 四月蜗牛
P.S.:
改完后突然想到的：
The arguer 的结论是：经济下降导致fitness levels下降，所以经济好转后fitness levels也会上升。
所以，我认为是不是应该把攻击的重点放在经济状况和fitness level的关系上;即, 经济下降是不是fitness levels下降的原因，有没有其他可能原因；经济好转后fitness levels是不是一定就会好转。
这一点我也是刚刚才意识到的。好像自己这一篇也写得奇烂。。。。。惭愧，希望狠一点修理我那篇啊～～