argument147 simle-A第七次作业，电脑游戏那个，请指教

猫猫寿司UID: 2219543

147The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
outline:
1 survey少细节
2 广告对象不对，也与survey不符合
3 结论没有排除其他原因

Based on a survey showing the players’ favorite features of video-game is lifelike graphics which the Whirlwind’s game possess, the speaker may the assertion that the sales trend is about to increase. However, after an overall consideration of both the survey and the conclusion, we would easily found them doubtful.

First of all, the survey which the whole argument based on fails to provide us any detailed information about its conducting procedure such as the sample size, whether the sample are representative, and the data concerning with the respondents. There is a good reason for us to believe that only a few of the players they have asked give an answer to the survey, thus the result of the survey is not so reliable to judge the market demands in general. Besides, the survey does not provide us especially with the answers of people 10 to 25 years old, who the speaker alleged to be the age-group most likely to play video games and their advertising campaign directed at. In the absence of these precise data and information, this survey can not lend any strong support to the argument that players in general prefer lifelike graphic in games.

Secondly, the editorial ungroundedly assumes that people 10~25 years old are an age-group most likely to play the video-games without any evidence. People in that age group are all young and might prefer the entertainment things, thus are supposed to like the video-games best, however maybe it is the older youths who have more money to purchase an “up-to-date” computer are more indulged in this kind of game. Lacking of any useful information, the speaker’s assertion is so weak as to support any decision.这段我想去掉，大家觉得怎么样

Moreover, the advertising campaign of a high quality and demanding game has been falsely aimed at a group of people who do not actually have enough money to always keep their computer up-to-date, which properly could serve as an evidence to refute the conclusion that the sale of this game will rise. People from 10 to 25 are generally play the role of students or a new employee who might not have a financial assurance to possess the most advanced computer for the purpose of playing video games. However, a false directed advertisement may even result in higher cost than income, which could not do any help but to reduce the profit of Whirlwind.

Finally, even if the player’s favorite feature is the lifelike graphics, and the company produces game with these characters, all of these can not assure a drastic increase of the video game sale in Whirlwind as the conclusion mentioned. Many other factors may be involved when we talk about an increasing sale, such as the competitiveness of the company compared with other contestants in the same market, the management, the update speed of the game, even the time—whether it is during a vacation when people could spare more time for the games. Before ruling out the possibilities I stated above, it is too haste to generalize that a sharp increase of sales can be seen.

To sum up, this argument is neither reasonable nor convincing due to the lack of detailed information in survey and the incomplete thought. To improve it , a comprehensive analysis about the causes that can influence sales an some precise data of the survey are required.
572字
去掉那段就是480个字
大家觉得呢？

猫猫寿司UID: 2219543

自己顶一下，地址怎么粘不到作业里去

xinxinwUID: 2144273

Based on a survey showing the players’ favorite features of video-game is lifelike graphics which the Whirlwind’s game possess, the speaker may 请赐教这个may的用法the assertion that the sales trend is about to increase. However, after an overall consideration of both the survey and the conclusion, we would easily found them doubtful.

First of all, the survey which the whole argument based on fails to provide us any detailed information about its conducting procedure such as the sample size, whether the sample are representative, and the data concerning with the respondents. There is a good reason for us to believe that only a few of the players they have asked give an answer to the survey, thus the result of the survey is not so reliable to judge the market demands in general. Besides, the survey does not provide us especially with the answers of people 10 to 25 years old, who the speaker alleged to be the age-group most likely to play video games and their advertising campaign directed at. In the absence of these precise data and information, this survey can not lend any strong support to the argument that players in general prefer lifelike graphic in games.

Secondly, the editorial ungroundedly assumes that people 10~25 years old are an age-group most likely to play the video-games without any evidence. People in that age group are all young and might prefer the entertainment things, thus are supposed to like the video-games best, however maybe it is the older youths who have more money to purchase an “up-to-date” computer are more indulged in this kind of game. Lacking of any useful information, the speaker’s assertion is so weak as to support any decision.这段我想去掉，大家觉得怎么样

Moreover, the advertising campaign of a high quality and demanding game has been falsely aimed at a group of people who do not actually have enough money to always keep their computer up-to-date, which properly could serve as an evidence to refute the conclusion that the sale of this game will rise. People from 10 to 25 are generally play the role of students or a new employee who might not have a financial assurance to possess the most advanced computer for the purpose of playing video games. However, a false directed advertisement may even result in higher cost than income, which could not do any help but to reduce the profit of Whirlwind.

Finally, even if the player’s favorite feature is the lifelike graphics, and the company produces game with these characters, all of these can not assure a drastic increase of the video game sale in Whirlwind as the conclusion mentioned. Many other factors may be involved when we talk about an increasing sale, such as the competitiveness of the company compared with other contestants in the same market, the management, the update speed of the game, even the time—whether it is during a vacation when people could spare more time for the games. Before ruling out the possibilities I stated above, it is too haste to generalize that a sharp increase of sales can be seen.

To sum up, this argument is neither reasonable nor convincing due to the lack of detailed information in survey and the incomplete thought. To improve it , a comprehensive analysis about the causes that can influence sales an some precise data of the survey are required.

关于你想要去掉的那一段，我有些想法跟你分享一下。那里是一个比较重要的错误点，就是即使年轻人喜欢游戏，也不一定真的会去玩，因为没有钱。但是我怎么看都跟后面一段说的是一回事情。可以合到一起去说。

攻击的顺序和我是一样一样的阿

xinxinwUID: 2144273

看来看去，好像只有我和姐姐在很积极地给每一个人改，恩。
表扬自己一下，嘿嘿