Argument147 【SWEETBOX小组】第一次作业by旋木

旋木DIYUID: 2341776

我是新手，刚刚才开始作文训练，所以第一次写上来，技术可能比较拙劣，希望大家帮忙改一下，由于还没有开始Issure  的训练，也写不出来，所以就先交Argument 了，请大家多读关照阿。
Argument 147

This editorial claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games would increase. The author cited a survey of video-game players’ view of the most important feature in a video game which the result is lifelike graphics, and the Whirlwind’s new games has this feature. Carefully examined the editorial, there is many illogical flaws.
First of all, it is based on the assumption that these video-game players typified the whole video-game players or even the whole nation. But in the editorial the survey didn’t mention how many the video-game player typified the whole video-game players were .So without giving the evidence to support the assumption. The survey’s result is unconvincing.
Secondly, the preferred features of the video-game is lifelike graphics,but only with the most up-to date computers that the player can play it .So this editorial is unfairly assumed that all the game players have the most up-to-date computers. But this assumption has not been support in the editorial.
Thirdly ,the editorial unfairly assumed that the people 10 to 25 years old was the group that the most likely to play video-games . Without considering and ruling out the players in other age groups. It is entirely possible that the 10 to 25years old players don’t like to play the lifelike graphics games which lead to the advertisements don’t serve to the company’s goal-let alone increasing the sales.
Finally, even if all the foregoing assumptions  have been proved to be ture. There is also other factors that affect the sales of the games,except from the aspect of the consumers ,there is also the reason from the aspect of the market. Since there will be other competitors in the market sell the same kind of games. Why should the players will choose Whirlwird’s games .So other possible factors should be considered while intending to increase the sales.
In sum ,the editorial flawed in several aspects. To convince me that the sales will increase ,the author should provide the detail information of the video-players in the survey ,and to better assess the author’s view the author should also need to do the survey that whether the group aged 10 to 25 years old is the group that play games .I also need to know the information of the competitors.


[ 本帖最后由 旋木DIY 于 2007-6-16 14:34 编辑 ]

sara0522UID: 2336981

This editorial claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games would increase.(加个联结词,比如to justify his claim) The author cited a survey of video-game players’ view of the most important feature in a video game which the result (语法)is lifelike graphics, and (加上he also claims that 要不就把后面这句删了)the Whirlwind’s new games has this feature. Carefully examined (语法)the editorial, there is many illogical flaws.
First of all, it is based on the assumption that these video-game players typified the whole video-game players or even the whole nation. (人家讲的就是玩家,全国有很多人是不玩游戏的,文章应该没有这个意思)But in the editorial the survey didn’t mention how many the video-game player typified the whole video-game players were .(换种表达吧,跟前面有点重)So without giving the evidence to support the assumption. The survey’s result is unconvincing.
Secondly, the preferred features of the video-game is lifelike graphics,but only with the most up-to date computers that the player can play it .(or only with the most up-to -date computers can the player play it ?我也不知道,请后面的高手帮看看吧)So this editorial is unfairly assumed that all the game players have the most up-to-date computers. But this assumption has not been support(supported) in the editorial.
Thirdly ,the editorial unfairly assumed that the people 10 to 25 years old was the group that the most likely to play video-games .(从常理上来讲确实是这个年龄段最有可能玩游戏吧,如果要攻这点再多说点原因吧,让人更信服你的想法)Without considering and ruling out the players in other age groups. It is entirely possible that the 10 to 25years old players don’t like to play the lifelike graphics games which lead to (加点什么东西这里或后面用名词性从句,后面是个从句,不通)the advertisements don’t serve to the(删) company’s goal-let alone increasing the sales.
Finally, even if all the foregoing assumptions  have been proved to be ture. There is also other factors that affect the sales of the games,except from the aspect of the consumers ,there is also the reason from the aspect of the market. Since there will be other competitors in the market sell(selling) the same kind of games. Why should the players will choose Whirlwird’s games .So other possible factors should be considered while intending to increase the sales.
In sum ,the editorial flawed in several aspects. To convince me that the sales will increase ,the author should provide the detail information of the video-players in the survey ,and to better assess the author’s view the author should also need to do the survey that whether the group aged 10 to 25 years old is the group that play games .I also need to know the information of the competitors.
布局转折都很好,但是每段攻击里拆了模版以后,LZ你分析的只有一两句,再多写点分析性语句吧~~~~`

旋木DIYUID: 2341776

恩，自己也发现这个问题了，自己写的论述是挺少的，这个毛病记住了，谢谢了Sara！:)