Argument117 姊妹花作文集中营第二次作业 逐步限时

strokes7UID: 2262256

117The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."


From: 2007-6-12 20:40    To: 21:20    Words:  424



In this argument, the manager claims that their office-supply department could profits a lot by increasing stock of office, because a survey indicates that more and more people take office work home. However, there is no inherent relationship between the vague survey and the manager's premature conclusion.

First of all, the result of the survey is suspicious without enough information. For a survey to be representative, sufficient respondents and proper investigating locus are both necessary. Though we are informed nothing about these. Maybe there is only tens of people respond to this survey, and the smaller the number of participants is, the less representative the survey is. Further more, it is possible that the survey happened in a city, where no stores of Valu-Mart locates, so that, the manager should not take into consideration this survey. Lacking specific information about the survey, we doubt the reliability of the survey.

In addition, even assuming that it is pandemic that people work after back home, the assumption that these employees need to work with home office machines is unwarranted. There is no information about what kind of work people take back home. Perhaps they only need to contact with some costumers with telephone and record some messages just with pencil and white paper.
Moreover, nowadays people could achieve myriads of purposes with computer and internet. For example, they could type files at home by personal computer and send to offices by email, the next day they could print these files at their offices. With regard to these possibilities, the immense market of home office machines the manager claims is not well supported.

Finally, even we concede that more and more people will buy home office machines, it is arbitrary to claim that their office-supply departments will be the most profitable component of their stores by selling those machines. On one hand, the manager neglects other factors which could influence the sales of their productions, such as competition of other stores, taste of customers. It is possible that customers prefer others' stationeries rather Valu-Mart's because others' have a lower price and higher quality than theirs. On the other hand, there is no information about the profits of other departments of Valu-Mart. Perhaps the food department had a better performance on profit. If so, whether the manager’s department could be the most profitable is uncertain.

In sum, these fallacies mentioned above make the argument unreasonable and groundless. To booster his conclusion, the arguer needs provide more evidence to prove the tremendous potential of home office machines' market and particular of their plan.

happyhappypigUID: 2342810

In this argument, the manager claims that their office-supply department could profits a lot by increasing stock of office这里不通吧, because a survey indicates that more and more people take office work home. However, there is no inherent relationship between the vague survey and the manager's premature conclusion.看了一下以前关于开头的文章，后来发现restate题目并不是很关键，毕竟阅卷的人知道你考的是哪个题，但是有时间多写也不会有什么副作用，不过我觉得北美反问那些实在是罗索，但是感觉如果用墨板的话，好像会被说没有切入主题，imong的一个贴字写了，你去看看，我现在的开头打算写成the recommendation...appears/seems ,,,. However, it didn't take into account..../it fails to consider......两句话，这样body可以写得充实一点，我也大概要40多分钟才能写完，郁闷啊

First of all, the result of the survey is suspicious without enough information. For a survey to be representative, sufficient respondents and proper investigating locus are both necessary. Though we are informed nothing about these.这里是要转折还是让步？ Maybe there is only tens of people respond to this survey, and the smaller the number of participants is, the less representative the survey is. Further more, it is possible that the survey happened in a city, where no stores of Valu-Mart locates, so that, the manager should not take into consideration this survey. Lacking specific information about the survey, we doubt the reliability of the survey.关于无背景的survey要不要批，你也可以看一下帖子，好像有一个是专门写这个的，我个人感觉body1应该写最最严重的错误，关于调查的问题，要写也要放后面，虽然你喜欢用递进，但是我觉得还是找最重要的逻辑错误放在前面比较重要，其实很可能人家不仔细读下面的东西的

In addition, even assuming that it is pandemic that people work after back home, the assumption that these employees need to work with home office machines is unwarranted. There is no information about what kind of work people take back home. Perhaps they only need to contact with some costumers with telephone and record some messages just with pencil and white paper.
Moreover, nowadays people could achieve myriads of purposes with computer and internet.这句话看着有点莫名其妙，前后有个衔接或者过渡比较好 For example, they could type files at home by personal computer and send to offices by email, the next day they could print these files at their offices. With regard to these possibilities, the immense market of home office machines the manager claims is not well supported.

Finally, even if 这个从句引导词不能省吧we concede that more and more people will buy home office machines, it is arbitrary to claim that their office-supply departments will be the most profitable component of their stores by selling those machines. On one hand, the manager neglects other factors which could influence the sales of their productions, such as competition of other stores, taste of customers. 我决定以后如果我要用这种论述就说,.... sales of their products. For example, the market competition, whether there are brands with excellent repution, whether there are many companies with extreme low products, whether our company can take large market share; the tastes of th customers, whether they prefer good quality over price, whether they concern more about the styles of the machines,,,,这样结束一句以后在举例，可以说得更详细，而且这些应该算成是论述的吧，这样每段举例就不会太多，不会给人感觉好像只会举例子似的It is possible that customers prefer others' stationeries rather Valu-Mart's because others' have a lower price and higher quality than theirs. On the other hand, there is no information about the profits of other departments of Valu-Mart. Perhaps the food department had a better performance on profit. If so, whether the manager’s department could be the most profitable is uncertain.

In sum, these fallacies mentioned above make the argument unreasonable and groundless. To booster his conclusion, the arguer needs provide more evidence to prove the tremendous potential of home office machines' market and particular of their plan.

基本上评论都在上面了，加油
我觉得你应该也写了不少了，数量应该已经有了，我觉得我们应该多考虑一下怎么写得更好，要思考了
除了要计时以外，我不太想再多写了
你觉得呢

strokes7UID: 2262256

我最近几天忙考试，所以停顿了几天没写作文，节奏有些乱，写出来的文章也有些问题。

我还是对那个如何更深入的论证很烦恼，我GF给我的意见是可以在每一个Body的TS后面加一句直接指出作者的错误，或者对于每一个错误，在列出一系列可能后再加一个句子，说出作者有什么问题。
我觉得在举例之后直接点出作者错误所在貌似比较好，你觉得呢