我的第2篇作文

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

前阵子泡寄托家园，看到一句话受到了赞扬。被我用了。呵呵。希望大家狠狠的拍。


There are social, medical, and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What forms do they take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of the mobile phone?

The argument of telephone has been become a popular topic nowadays. Some people proclaim that too many disadvantages of using mobile phone, social, medical and technical problems. In a contrast, another attitude towards using mobile phone is positive, they accept the usage of mobile phone and agree with the benefits outweigh the deficiencies. In my point of view, I think it is convenient and beneficial to use mobile phone despite it has some problems.

Mobile phone makes people more close and easy to contact. No matter where we are, we can easily contact our friends by mobile phone. People are high on send text message to friends. Mobile phone is widely used. It is not uncommon that people have more than one mobile phone. Some kids studying in the primary school start to use mobile phone. Along with the development of technology, mobile phone has more functions. It can take picture and record videos. We can send and share those informations via mobile phone to our friends all over the world immediately. In case of any unexpected accidents happened, we can inform police or friends immediately via mobile phone.

However, mobile phone has disadvantage as well. For instance social, medical and technical problem. The radiation is harm to our body when we are talking on the phone. According to the valid statistic, it suggests pregnant women do not talk on mobile phone over 10 minutes per time otherwise the radiation will be harm to the baby. People gradually rely on talking on mobile phone that face-to-face talks are decreasing. Their social ability is less active than before. Since the develop of technology, mobile phone has been developed and updated fast. People spend much money on their mobile evolution. The mobile quality is getting better, but people pay less attention to mobile quality except pursuing the vogue. A lot of money is spent on changing new phones.

After weighing the pros and cons. I insist on my opinion that the benefits outweigh the problems. It cannot be denied that mobile phone makes our life more convenient and efficient.

forbeckUID: 2297645

发现这篇还没人改，嗬嗬！我占搂了先

futuremanUID: 2327059

牛儿好快啊

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油（牛儿天空和啦啦啦）会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你也给别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，更快的提高自己咯

forbeckUID: 2297645

The argument of telephone题目用的是mobile phone，就改了吧 has been become/been or become省略一个 a popular topic nowadays这个无法准确确定时间段的词要少用. Some people proclaim that proclaim that 后接一个句子too many disadvantages of using mobile phone, social, medical and technical problems. In a contrast后接一个名词，改成In contrast, another attitude towards using mobile phone is positive, they accept the usage of mobile phone and agree with the benefits outweigh the deficiencies. In my point of view, I think重复，删除了吧 it is convenient and beneficial to use mobile phone despite it has some problems.

Mobile phone makes people more close and easy/closer and easier to contact. No matter where we are, we can easily contact our friends by mobile phone这提到了双方，应该是复数吧？. People are high on sending text message to friends. Mobile phone is widely used. It is not uncommon that people have more than one mobile phone. Some kids studying in the primary school start to use mobile phone. Along with the development of technology, mobile phone has more functions. It can take pictures and record videos. We can send and share those informations via mobile phone to our friends all over the world immediately. In case of any unexpected accidents happened, we can inform police or friends immediately via mobile phone.这个功能是基本的，应该提前，而不是用在证明功能越来越多上吧~~

However, mobile phone has disadvantage as well. For instance 后面不能借简单的词或词组，改为such as之类的吧！ social, medical and technical problems. The radiation is harm to our body when we are talking on the phone. According to the valid statistic, it suggests pregnant women do not talk on mobile phone over 10 minutes per time otherwise the radiation will be harm to the baby/babies. People gradually rely on talking on mobile phone that face-to-face talks are decreasing. Their social ability is less active than before. Since the develop/development of technology, mobile phone has been developed and updated fast. People spend much money on their mobile evolution. The mobile quality is getting better, but people pay less attention to mobile quality except pursuing the vogue. A lot of money is spent on changing new phones.

After weighing the pros and cons. I insist on my opinion that the benefits outweigh the problems. It cannot be denied that mobile phone makes our life more convenient and efficient.
建议：
1、应该说，这篇文章之于你，可能有太多的例证可以写了，所以，感觉有些堆砌，每个优点和缺点之间连贯性不好，这可能也因为你的句型以简单句为主，所以，文章很散。要想拿高分，长句是必需的，就是要努力写出长短句互相穿插的文章
2、文章的body部分：pros115个字，cons127个字，如果不看你的首尾段，会让人误解你的观点，写作的时候，最好能分清主次，而且，在文章中提出cons后，最好也能提出简短的建议

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-5 21:48 编辑 ]

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

多谢蒙牛
点评得很到位。。。。不看不知道，错误好多。。
要拿高分还需要努力呀。。

forbeckUID: 2297645

这下回头才发现，把最后那一大块都设置为红色了，错了错了~~
现在改过来了