Argument147[desperado] by Grace

grace040802UID: 2348819

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 424          DATE: 2007-12-8 17:46:52

[outline]:
1.调查可性度值得怀疑,没有指出是如何进行的,且依据调查问的问题没有能找出价格下降的原因.
2.忽略的许多可能导致前两年价格下降的原因,如质量不如其他人或者领导的失误__广告策略使用有问题
3.尽管新游戏吸引了10-25岁的玩者,新产品的价格是否能够令他们接受.产品价格是否有优势.
4.时间不太短,不能够很快看出销售量的增长.


The letter points out that Walnut Grove's town council's advocation-switching from EZ Disposal to ABC Waste-based on that EE raised its monthly fee but ABC did not using EE.To justify this statement,the arguer offers three reasons.One is EE collects trash once more than ABC,which collects only once.Another one is EE ordered sdditional trucks.And the last one is because of EE's exceptional service.It seems logical,but this letter is flawed b three obvious respects.

First of all,the fact that EE collects trash twice a week which ABC collects once provides no evidence that EE id the better choice than ABC.Perhaps EE collect rubbish twice a week because of its low efficiency.Or perhaps because the trash from the areas where EE manages is much more that those from ABC managed areas,EE has no choice but to collect twice a week.Or perhaps the citizens require EE to do so,for they are comfortable in a clean environment.Without ruling out these possibilities,the arguer cannot convice me that EE is better than ABC.

On the other hand,the fact that EE currently has ordered additional trucks cannot obviously support this argument.The additional trucks,otherwise,indicate the lower efficiency of EE than ABC's.The possibility for ordering more than 20 trucks is that the volume of EE's trucks are smaller than ABC's,or even that the quality is not so good.So they need to do so.Or perhaps just because of the additional trucks'fee,EE raises its mongthly fee from $2,000 to $2,500 a month.What's more,the fact that ABC just orders a fleet of 20trucks cannot unfairly be treated that it provises bad service.However,it indicates its high efficiency.This argument is unconvinced without offering the reak reason why EE orders additional trucks and proving that 20 trucks is not insufficient.

Lastly,the last year's town survey that 80% respondents were 'satisfied' with EE's performance in sufficiently convinces me that EE provides exceptional service .Because we are told nothing about the way this survey was conducted and how well it represented the public opinions.Maybe these respondants are only the EE's customers,then they cannot compare EE's service with the other company's,such as ABC.Hence,this just only indicates that they are content with EE's service,but accomplishes that EE's service id beeter than other's.Or perhaps people who take this survey are satisfied with EE's service.The result of the survey is incomplete to be conclusive.

In sum,this letter is unconvinced as it stands.The reasoning behind choosing EE seems logical as presented above.However,before any final decision are made that which company should we choose the citizens should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes for EE as compares to ABC.

[ 本帖最后由 grace040802 于 2007-12-12 01:13 编辑 ]

hdofrucUID: 2434623

This editorial draws the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games probobaly(probably像这些拼写错误你可以贴到word里面一眼就看出来的，word有自动纠错和错误提示) increase dramatically in the next few months, according to a recent survey and the extensive ad campaign of Whirlwind directed at teenages（teenage） and adults（这里最好别这么写，原文中没指明调查范围！ 相反，这一点应该是逻辑错误，可在后面指出）. However, as discussed below（这个表述是不是有点中式？）, the editorial suffers from（这个用的有点...） several critical flaws and is therefore unpersuasive.

To begin with, the editorial fails to provide any information about how the recent survey（used as evidence for his conclusion） is conducted. And the question, that What features they thought were most important in a video game" has no (direct) link with (to) the reason why the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. Therefore, it cannot suggest the sales trend id about to be reversed. The survey which asks the question such as "Do you often play Whirwind video game.If not,why?" may be more convinced me that the result to this survey is reliable.(这段总体挺好，可以考虑加进去坐照、绿松石他们都提到的样本大小问题，这样就完美了)

Moreover, the argument rests on the assumption that Whirlwind' introdution（introduction） of its new games and ad campaign will reverse the declined sales last two years to increase. Yet the arguer overlooks many factors which probobaly（probably） attribute to（用反了） the decline, such as the poor quality of the games or the poor management（and service ）.Perhaps the quality of games is worse than the competitors',such as charaters design,music and sound effct.The video game players are not content with the Whirlwind's games about these. (这句有点单薄，是不是可以作为从句合并掉)Or perhaps because the manager of Whirlwind mistakenly let（led） the advertising agency whose inability to attract interest among the key demographic group promote the new games,（这个从句用的不太好，读着有一点别扭）the sales undoubtly cannot increase-let alone dramatically.Since the arguer has not dearly identified the cause of the decline,it is unconvincing that Whirlwind's new strategy will reverse that decline at all.(这一段不错，词汇可以扩充下，用些复杂点的)

Thirdly,even if many 10-25 year-olds （可以这么用么）are attracted to Whirlwind's new games,the argument further assumpt（assumes） that this result will be sufficient to cause the predicted sales increase during the next few months.(这一句不好，没必要花这么长一句去表述错误的假设，而且是不是有点不太对啊？)Yet this need not be the case（这一句有点奇怪）.In fact,perhaps because the new video games with the lifelike graphics require the most up to date computer,most of the players cannot afford the newest computer,With no doubt,they cannot buy something that he or she cannot play（pay？还是与前句语意重复）,even if this game is attractive.Therefore,the tendency of sales will not be changed.Or perhaps the new games with lifelike graphics added more technologies cast higher than the former games.If so,the price undoubtly(这个词用烂了，definitely) will be higher than before(early versions’),making sure tha same profits(这一句好像可以再改改).Perhaps Whirlwind's new state-of-the-art games are prohibitively expensive for the key demographic group.But the competitors of the other companies have already supplied games a little worse but the lower price（这一句有点中式）.Hence it (there) is no advantage for Whirlwind to deliver his new games.

At last,even if all above assumptions can be sustained,but（删掉这个词）（whether） the period of the next few months is not long enough to see the dramatic increase is open to doubt.Because common scense tells us that it takes a moch(much) longer time for something to be popular.(这个论据不充分...有些东西见效就是快)Perhaps the consumers can nit（not） believe such wonderful games which is cheap at first.(怎么突然来了这么一句？)To prevent from being cheated,they still play the currently popular games.Or perhaps viseo（video） game sales are highly seasonal （游戏推广好像没什么季节性...）and Whirlwind will must wait longer than the few months to see the increase it expects.Therefore,the arguer must modify the prediction accordingly.（这一段我个人意见是逻辑上不太严密...）

In sum,the argument is unconvincing as it stands.To access the accertion,the arguer should provide evidence that how the survey is conducted and the reason why sales declined last two years,and make sure that the 10-25 years old can be attracted by the new games though（through） the ad compaign（campaign） and can afford the games.

总的感觉还可以，主要有两个问题，词藻稍微不够华丽（现在可以多看看范文，多积累点有用的词汇和表达）、偶尔会有逻辑不清、拼写错误太多（下次拼写错误一定自己先纠正了哦...）

grace040802UID: 2348819

嗯.一定改正!