argument240 飞跃dreams第一次作业

yolanda419UID: 2420192

      ARGUMENT240.The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College.
  
      " To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham."



  字数: 483               完成时间: 1-27

  In this memo, the dean at Buckingham College said that Buckingham College should build a new dormitory to serve the housing needs of students. To bolster his proposition, the dean sited three reasons: (1) Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty year. (2) The average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. (3) An attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Close scutiny of each of these facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible suppost to the proposition.
   First, the increase of Buckinghum’s enrallment do not necessarily indicate that the recruters will grow. Several fators would be taken into consideration when a college decide whether they will increase freshman or not. If the college’s hardware equipments improved or the persons qualified to teach enhanced, Buckingham maybe enlarge the number of their recruiters.It’s also possible that Buckingham will increase freshman when more and more professional men would be needed according to the job market. In sum, whether a college increase its students ot not mostly on the basis of its teaching dimensions and the job market’s demand not the number of the enrollment. So, it’s ridiculous to take the growing enrollment as a evidence to suppost the dean’s recommendation to build a new dormitory.

  Secondly, the averagerent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent year is little indication that in the followed years the average rent of the apartment will continue to increase. It’s entirely possible that the rent would fall down as it has reach the pinnacle in rencent years. Without prognosticating the sutiation about the tenancy in the town by professional, the dean could not conlude that it will be difficult for students to afford off-compus housing.

   The dean finally pointed out that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. That is very absurd. Does a student will enroll at Buckingham just because it has an attractive dormitory? Certainly not. Once a college has high-quality teachers and efficient teaching system, it surely attract many prospective students no matter how tattered its dormitories are.

    Last but not least, there are many students graduate and leave Buckingham, the rooms that graduates empty out can be provided for the freshmen. The money and time that spent on the new dormitory is also a problem. Does Buckingham have enough fund and land to buid another building? If not, build a new dormiory is ivory-towered.

   In a word, the dean’s recommentation is unconvincing on the basis of the evidences that his sited. Without ruling out all the possibilities mentioned above, I couldn’t take in the dean’s suggestion. To support his proposistion, the dean should analy all the factors that will affect the number of Buckingham’s recruters and the average rent of the apartment in the town.

neomaverickUID: 2449179

In this memo, the dean at Buckingham College said（这里对时态，单词拼写的错误不再指出，请作者自己查看） that Buckingham College should build a new dormitory to serve the housing needs of students. To bolster his proposition, the dean sited three reasons: (1) Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty year. (2) The average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. (3) An attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Close scutiny of each of these facts(改成reason，认为比较好), however, reveals that none of them lend credible suppost to the proposition.
   First, the increase of Buckinghum’s enrallment do（does） not necessarily indicate that the recruters will grow. Several fators would be taken into consideration when a collegedecide whether they will increase freshman（number）or not. If the college’s hardware (删去) equipments (are) improved or the persons qualified to teach enhanced, Buckingham maybe enlarge the number of their recruiters（改成 Buckingham College is likely to enlarge its enrollment when it facilities are improved or its faculty number is increased.）.It’s also possible that Buckingham will increase freshman（number） when more and more professional men would be needed according to the job market.(more positions are provided in the job market.) In sum, whether a college increase its students ot not mostly on the basis of its teaching dimensions and the job market’s demand not the number of the enrollment. So, it’s ridiculous to take the growing enrollment as a evidence to suppost the dean’s recommendation to build a new dormitory.（看不下去了，作者好像认为enrollment不等于recruiter，请查字典辨析）
  Secondly, the averagerent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent year is little indication that in the followed years the average rent of the apartment will continue to increase. It’s entirely possible that the rent would fall down as it has reach the pinnacle in rencent years. Without prognosticating the sutiation about the tenancy in the town by professional, the dean could not conlude that it will be difficult for students to afford off-compus housing.（分析不深刻，只有一句）

   The dean finally pointed out that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. That is very absurd. Does a student will enroll at Buckingham just because it has an attractive dormitory?（病句） Certainly not. Once a college has high-quality teachers and efficient teaching system, it surely attract many prospective students no matter how tattered its dormitories are.

    Last but not least, there are many students graduate and leave Buckingham,（病句） the rooms that graduates empty out can be provided for the freshmen. The money and time that spent on the new dormitory is also a problem. Does Buckingham have enough fund and land to buid another building? If not, build a new dormiory is ivory-towered.

   In a word, the dean’s recommentation is unconvincing on the basis of the evidences that his sited. Without ruling out all the possibilities mentioned above, I couldn’t take in the dean’s suggestion. To support his proposistion, the dean should analy all the factors that will affect the number of Buckingham’s recruters and the average rent of the apartment in the town.

评价
1.        我承认我没有好好该这篇文章，但是我实在该不下去了。请作者仔细看我改上一篇您的文章的评语。
2.        期待作者的进步。

yolanda419UID: 2420192

修改过后的：     
     In this memo, the dean at Buckingham College said that Buckingham College should build a new dormitory to serve the housing needs of students. To bolster his proposition, the dean sited three reasons: (1) Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty year. (2) The average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. (3) An attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Close scrutiny of each of these reasons, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the proposition.
       First, the increase of Buckinghum’s enrallment does not necessarily indicate that the students who live in campus will grow. It’s entirely possible that many students who enroll Buckingham College are living in the city in which Buckingham located. Several other factors would influence the students’ choice to live in campus, such as the vehicle, the mess in school, the public security of the city and so on.  Without taking these factors into consideration, the dean can not arbitrarily a new dormitory is necessary.
       Secondly, the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent year is little indication that in the followed years the average rent of the apartment will continue to increase. It’s entirely possible that the rent would fall down as it has reached the pinnacle in recent years. Or, with the development of techology the transmit fees would decrease; in addition, it is popular that three or more students usually share one apartment. In both cases, students can abate the burden affording off-campus housing. Without prognosticating the satiation about the tenancy in the town by professional, the dean could not conclude that it will be difficult for students to afford off-campus housing.
       The dean finally pointed out that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. That is very absurd. Would a student enroll at Buckingham just because it has an attractive dormitory? Certainly not. Once a college has high-quality teachers and efficient teaching system, it surely attract many prospective students no matter how tattered its dormitories are.
        Last but not least, there are many students graduate from Buckingham, the rooms that graduates empty out can be provided for the freshmen. The money and time that spent on the new dormitory is also a problem. Does Buckingham have enough funds and land to build another building? If not, build a new dormitory is ivory-towered.
       In a word, the dean’s recommendation is unconvincing on the basis of the evidences that his cited. Without ruling out all the possibilities mentioned above, I couldn’t take in the dean’s suggestion. To support his proposition, the dean should provide more details about Buckingham and the student enrolled.

[ 本帖最后由 yolanda419 于 2008-2-2 14:20 编辑 ]