argument53 『jet小组』第五次作业

LITTERBOULDERUID: 2367811

提纲：（1）虽然这种荷尔蒙会影响大脑的某些功能，但是否会使人害羞并不知道，且缺乏相关的研究。
（2）性格的因素有很多的因素引起，后天的环境影响也起了很大的作用。
（3）研究的样本过小，没有普遍意义
    Data: 2/5/2008                          Time:40min                     Word:427
Based on dubious evidence and poor generalization, the arguer attribute shyness—a normal character among us to the increased levels of melatonin which is a hormone produced by their mothers before their birth. In reflecting of given evidence, his generalization is troubling in some critical aspects.

A threshold problem of his conclusion is the exact function of such so-called melatonin which would affect some brain functions. However, to what degree and to what direction this hormone might affect the brain is not explicit. Perhaps, they are not relevant to shape up our characters only serving as to keep people calm, even passive. Or perhaps, their exact function is still known to researcher as they only draw people’s attention in this particular researcher which is a coincidence with related to the shyness. Without ruling out such alternative explanations, hardly can his conclusion become a convincing one as it stands.

Even we assume that such hormones are really related to the shyness of these teenagers, his assertion is still troubling in two other aspects. First, considering the number of objects in his research, only 25 teenagers whose amount is quite small to such a research aimed at interpreting the cause-and-effect relationship between one secret hormones and a typical character are involved. So the credibility and validity of his assertion is suspicious and worthy checking.

On the other hand, my common sense tells me that character is a marriage of both inherent nature of a person and a consequence influenced by his living environment. Yet, the author fails to provide forceful evidence on what the environment they are brought up and the character of their parents and close friends. Such evidence play a vital influential role in determining one’s character, even greater than their born factors. Perhaps their childhood is full of constrained rules which prevent them being open to others. Or their experience is limited in a particular small town where all they sees are acquaintances; for that matter, they do not get enough training on how to communicate with strangers , thus they choose to keep quite when meeting strangers which in turn adds to their shyness.

In the final analyzing, the author’s assertion is weakened by some logic flaws and obscure evidence. To be a forceful and compelling one, the arguer should provide the exact function of melatonin and their surrounding in their growth, at least the environment in the particular stage in shaping up character. To better support his conclusion, it will be helpful when more teenagers should be included at the beginning of this research.

icedmathUID: 2343618

argument53 『jet小组』第五次作业

by LITTERBOULDER

提纲：（1）虽然这种荷尔蒙会影响大脑的某些功能，但是否会使人害羞并不知道，且缺乏相关的研究。（2）性格的因素有很多的因素引起，后天的环境影响也起了很大的作用。（3）研究的样本过小，没有普遍意义    Data: 2/5/2008                        Time:40min                    Word:427Based on dubious evidence and poor generalization, thearguer attribute（attributes） shyness—a normal character among us to the increasedlevels of melatonin which is a hormone produced by their mothers before theirbirth. In reflecting of given evidence, his generalization is troubling in somecritical aspects.A threshold problem of his conclusion is the exactfunction of such so-called melatonin which would affect some brain functions.However, to what degree and to（in） what direction this hormonemight affect the brain is not explicit. Perhaps, they are not relevant to shapeup our characters only serving as to keep people calm, even passive. Orperhaps, their exact function is still known to researcher as they only drawpeople’s attention in this particular researcher which is a coincidence with (is) related to the shyness. Without ruling out such alternative explanations, hardlycan his conclusion become a convincing one as it stands.（倒装，赞！）Even we assume that such hormones are（题中只是melatonin这一种hormone） really related tothe shyness of these teenagers, his assertion is still troubling in two otheraspects.（让步，赞！） First,considering the number of objects in his research, only 25 teenagers whoseamount is quite small to such a research aimed（aiming） at interpreting thecause-and-effect relationship between one secret（？） hormones（hormone） and a typical character areinvolved. So the credibility and validity of his assertion is suspicious and worthy（worth） checking.On the other hand（这个貌似与first不太对应）, my common sense tells me thatcharacter is a marriage of both inherent nature of a person and a consequenceinfluenced by his living environment. Yet, the author fails to provide forcefulevidence on what the environment they are brought up and the character of theirparents and close friends. Such evidence（factors）play avital influential role in determining one’s character, even greater（more greatly吧？）than theirborn factors. Perhaps their childhood is full of constrained rules whichprevent them being open to others. Or their experience is limited in aparticular small town where all they sees（see） are acquaintances; for thatmatter, they do not get enough training on how to communicate with strangers ,thus they choose to keep quite when meeting strangers which in turn adds totheir shyness.In the final analyzing, the author’s assertion isweakened by some logic flaws and obscure evidence. To be a forceful andcompelling one, the arguer should provide the exact function of melatonin andtheir surrounding in their growth, at least the environment in the particularstage in shaping up character. To better support his conclusion, it will behelpful when more teenagers should be included at the beginning of thisresearch.

整体说来攻击点比较中肯，陈述逻辑也比较清晰，不过在结尾处对上面的总结先后次序貌似不对应。如果在语法细节处能够多留心点，或许能够为文章的整体印象赢得加分；复杂句中间如果有合适的短句穿插，然后把复杂句中的不必要的虚词（呵呵汉语语法中的概念）去掉或者用更加简练的方式替换，读起来或许更有美感。不过在40分钟内完成这样一篇逻辑清晰的文章已经很出色了！再接再厉，共同努力！

NOTE：蓝色为借鉴处，红色为更正处，绿色为添加处。
貌似从WORD中拷进来就发生了些变化，比如颜色和空格。不过有括号提示，应该能够区分。同时麻烦您订正在下于59楼的ARGU。


[ 本帖最后由 icedmath 于 2008-2-15 15:36 编辑 ]