argument10【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第一次作业 by zju_doherty

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

第一次写，写得不好，请大家多多批评啊~
10The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a Batavia newspaper.

"The department of agriculture in Batavia reports that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago. During this same time period, however, the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has increased from $1.50 to over $3.00 per gallon. To prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk, the Batavia government should begin to regulate retail milk prices. Such regulation is necessary to ensure both lower prices and an adequate supply of milk for consumers."


I don’t know how the writer can elicit such a conclusion. All the reasons mentioned in writer’s opinion are unilateral and oversimple.
For example, the department of agriculture in Batavia reports that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago, and meanwhile, the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has increased from $1.50 to over $3.00 per gallon. What can we conclude from this fact? First, the number of dairy farms increased. Second, the price doubled. Only these two conclusions can be inferred to my way of thinking. As we know, sufficient evidences are needed to make accurate conclusion. In this fact, we need more information, such as the instance of supply and demand, the rate between population and production, to deduce and make unimpeachable conclusions. So, the writer’s suggestion that the Batavia government should begin to regulate retail milk prices to prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk is totally wrong. What’s more, we also need to consider the reasons bring to this fact. The price of milk doubled, why? Maybe there is an interest group manipulating the market, maybe there is an milk supply shortage, and even maybe the country is in inflation, who knows? Impossible is nothing. In order to make accurate conclusion, we must investigate the background of the fact. Furthermore, these inferential presumptions should also be involved in our research.
I won’t complain how absurd and ridiculous the writer’s conclusion anymore. But, I have to say that we should take our responsibility to the conclusions we have made, and will make.

goingeastUID: 2439824

   楼主第一篇文章在结构上一定的问题，主体段落只有一段，层次不分明，照搬全文的多，语句重复。逻辑错误也只是笼统的分析，还有诽谤作者之嫌，呵呵。不过，楼主也有一些观点启发了我不如说，幕后操作，通货膨胀什么的。
   意见：多总结一些句子，列提纲分大点写，最好不要一段论，也不要一贯的使用，举例法！可以开始列提纲，套套模板什么的。
I don’t know how the writer can elicit such a conclusion[这样话不太好，要说的话应该是 I wonder how the..]. All the reasons mentioned in writer’s opinion are unilateral and oversimple.
For example, the department of agriculture in Batavia reports that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago, and[去掉] meanwhile, the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has increased from $1.50 to over $3.00 per gallon. What can we conclude from this fact? First, the number of dairy farms increased. Second, the price doubled. [，啰嗦，照搬全文不够简洁] Only these two conclusions can be inferred to my way of thinking. As we know, sufficient evidences are needed to make accurate conclusion. In this fact, we need more information, such as the instance of supply and demand, the rate between population and production, to deduce and make unimpeachable conclusions. So, the writer’s suggestion that the Batavia government should begin to regulate retail milk prices to prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk is totally wrong. What’s more, we also need to consider the reasons bring to this fact. The price of milk doubled, why? Maybe there is an interest group manipulating the market, maybe there is an milk supply shortage, and even maybe the country is in inflation,[这些原因不错！]who knows? Impossible is nothing. In order to make accurate conclusion, we must investigate the background of the fact.[重复啊！] Furthermore, these inferential presumptions should also be involved in our research.
I won’t complain how absurd and ridiculous the writer’s conclusion anymore. But, I have to say that we should take our responsibility to the conclusions we have made, and will make.

[ 本帖最后由 goingeast 于 2008-12-27 23:16 编辑 ]

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

谢谢楼上~总之我在作文上还有很长的路要走