Issue128 我的第一篇，多指教：）

crosswingsUID: 208582

128"It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."

  No animal is able to avoid education. It seems that one of the fundamental instincts of animals is to perform the basic living skill to their young. For example, a bird parent have the natural ability to teach the nestling how to fly, where to find insects and water, how to fight against their natural enemies and so forth. Human beings, of course, has the processes during their lives of educating and being educated. However, the subtle difference of education that distinguished human beings with other animals is to inspire the learners to cogitate and think while the same time to exhume the true self of him or her.
  During the process of basic education, the essential purpose of the educators is to teach the fundamental skills of living and studying. Such as, how to read a clock, how to do some cleaning and how to read and write. Such things are elements for anyone to live in the world as a common person of the society. One may argue that the formal education is not suitable to anyone, it may restrain our minds and spirits. But, as times goes by, a mature ideology and standard of living a life had been set before us, therefore, before we let free our minds and spirits, we must find a path that connect our thoughts and others'. Who can imagine a Shakespeare who cannot read? And who can find a Mozart who didn’t need to recognize any note? Thus, we must learn the existing letters, words, and math marks and musical notes, which enable us to read works of literature, perform opus of maestro and so forth..
  After one obtained the basic skills, the deeper education is often received, which makes an individual live a better life, form his/her more clear and concrete concept of the world, then, the individuals would free their minds and spirits. One may has some suspicious over the content of education, say, some old knowledge will bring no new idea. But I will say, in any times, people never know whether they get the truth that is permanent. The only way they can develop their knowledge system is to learn what was discovered by the previous people. And, in any times nothing could prevented knowledge from developing. In the ancient Greeks, Aristotle is a leaner from Platon, however, his points are always contradictory to his teacher. But anyone couldn't deny their relationship as educator and learners. Now in our times, a famous educating program is the directed studying of the Yale University. Students learn the politics, history and literature systematically of past and modern times. But they are not restrained only in their theories. They analyze, they scrutinize and at last they free their minds and form a particular idea which belongs to themselves and all our human beings in modern time.
  Admittedly, formal educations always share some formed frame, but when referring to the purpose, human beings will always have the dream of living best and letting the spirits hover. So, through education they make the way to obtain a pair of wings.

cherry-310UID: 187555

我觉得开头不是很好，这个例子太长，有点罗嗦，不能看出你的观点

crosswingsUID: 208582

拜托给谁拍拍啊 ，这两天忙期末考，今天开始得闲了，有拍必回啊

flyingwindUID: 189320

段类空一行

第1句看了就不舒服： No animal is able to avoid education
教育动物还是教育人啊？

"But I will say, ....., "这个句子也很吓人啊

[ Last edited by flyingwind on 2005-6-13 at 13:25 ]

sophywUID: 203712

128"It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."

  No animal is able to avoid education. It seems that one of the fundamental instincts of animals is to perform the basic living skill to their young. For example, a bird parent have the natural ability to teach the nestling how to fly, where to find insects and water, how to fight against their natural enemies and so forth. Human beings, of course, has the processes during their lives of educating and being educated. However, the subtle difference of education that distinguished human beings with other animals is to inspire the learners to cogitate and think while the same time to exhume the true self of him or her.(开头不要这么开阿，先表明立场，千万不要再开头论证，举例，这段是想说每个人都需要教育，和题目关系不大，看看下面有什么用处）

  During the process of basic education, the essential purpose of the educators is to teach the fundamental skills of living and studying. Such as, how to read a clock, how to do some cleaning and how to read and write. Such things are elements for anyone to live in the world as a common person of the society. One may argue that the formal education is not suitable to anyone, it may restrain our minds and spirits. But, as times goes by, a mature ideology and standard of living a life had been set before us, therefore, before we let free our minds and spirits, we must find a path that connect our thoughts and others'. Who can imagine a Shakespeare who cannot read? And who can find a Mozart who didn’t need to recognize any note? Thus, we must learn the existing letters, words, and math marks and musical notes, which enable us to read works of literature, perform opus of maestro and so forth.（开头的句子不好，虽然在下面论述了解放思想和束缚的关系，但是开头没有段首句阿；而且例子举的感觉也不是很恰当，束缚思想和读写关系大吗？）

  After one obtained the basic skills, the deeper education is often received, which makes an individual live a better life, form his/her more clear and concrete concept of the world, then, the individuals would free their minds and spirits. One may has some suspicious over the content of education, say, some old knowledge will bring no new idea. But I will say, in any times, people never know whether they get the truth that is permanent. The only way they can develop their knowledge system is to learn what was discovered by the previous people. And, in any times nothing could prevented knowledge from developing. In the ancient Greeks, Aristotle is a leaner from Platon, however, his points are always contradictory to his teacher. But anyone couldn't deny their relationship as educator and learners. Now in our times, a famous educating program is the directed studying of the Yale University. Students learn the politics, history and literature systematically of past and modern times. But they are not restrained only in their theories. They analyze, they scrutinize and at last they free their minds and form a particular idea which belongs to themselves and all our human beings in modern time.（时间顺序，是不是这个意思，基础教育束缚了我们，但是进一步的教育又开放我们？？这样写好象应该是可以的，只是觉得这一段的例子不太好，好像是学习过去的和现在的关系，可否将例子说的耿直白点）


  Admittedly, formal educations always share some formed frame, but when referring to the purpose, human beings will always have the dream of living best and letting the spirits hover. So, through education they make the way to obtain a pair of wings.

没有开头和结尾，总体来说还不错，以时间为轴，但是论证的深度还需要加大呢，或者说例子的分析还没有紧扣中心

顺便弱弱的问一句，你们贴出来之前是否经过了word看看，还是一出来就没有什么错误呢？那考试的时候错误控制在多少才比较合适呢？

cloudbirdUID: 208021

No animal is able to avoid education (education是社会性质的词,对动物不太好吧). It seems that one of the fundamental（直觉就是很基本的能力了，用”普通”，”常见”可能好些） instincts of animals is to perform the basic living skill to their young. For example, a bird parent have the natural ability to teach the nestling how to fly, where to find insects and water, how to fight against their natural enemies and so forth. Human beings, of course, has the processes during their lives of educating and being educated.(前面写那么多,就为引出这句人人都知道的话,代价有些太大了吧,呵呵) However, the subtle difference of education that distinguished human beings with other animals is to inspire the learners to cogitate and think while the same time to exhume the true self of him or her.（这一句应该就是本文的主题句了吧，但此句的主语是the subtle difference of education that distinguished human beings with other animals ，这就决定这里可能有些跑题了，主题句又扯上了与动物）
(个人认为,开头的大胆变化与不落俗套是一种要么起到出奇制胜,要么沦为扯不上边而且浪费时间的做法.一般大牛都这样用,因为他们往往能够保证这种变化即吸引人又不脱离主题的表达,相反能为主题的表达做铺垫.对于像我这样的新手,我想还是规矩一点好,不敢奢望开头有多么的出色,直接开门见山总是保险的.)
  （开头来个主题句怎么说好都不为过，怎么不用呢？）During the process of basic education, the essential purpose of the educators is to teach the fundamental skills of living and studying. Such as, how to read a clock, how to do some cleaning and how to read and write. Such things are elements for anyone to live in the world as a common person （of the society可以不要吧?）. One may argue that the formal education is not suitable to anyone, it may restrain our minds and spirits. But, as times(time) goes by, a mature ideology and standard of living a life had been set before us, therefore, before we let free our minds and spirits, we must find a path that connect our thoughts and others'. Who can imagine a(个人认为,专用名次前不用a吧,这样用有些中国英语得味道) Shakespeare who cannot read? And who can find a Mozart who didn’t(好像这种写法在口语英语中常用,书面用did not 好些) (need to 干脆不要?)recognize any note? Thus, we must learn the existing letters, words, and math marks and musical notes, which enable us to read works of literature, perform opus of maestro and so forth
. （这一段很乱。个人认为文章中的每一个意群都应有其目的，并且各个意群合在一起说明一个问题。）（此段先说最基本教育的目的作用，然后没有给出任何理由说as times goes by, a mature ideology and standard of living a life had been set before us，然后又说 before we let free our minds and spirits, we must find a path that connect our thoughts and others。接下来的例子虽然有些对应例子的前一句，但似乎回过头又去谈基本教育的目的好处去了，例子给人感觉也怪怪的。）
(个人认为：全文对基本教育，深入教育，还有正规教育的区别与关系没有说清楚，前两者不一定就是后者啊）
（先主要给你拍这两段吧，以后有空继续拍）
  After one obtained the basic skills, the deeper education is often received, which makes an individual live a better life, form his/her more clear and concrete concept of the world, then, the individuals would free their minds and spirits. One may has some suspicious over the content of education, say, some old knowledge will bring no new idea. But I will say, in any times, people never know whether they get the truth that is permanent. The only way they can develop their knowledge system is to learn what was discovered by the previous people. And, in any times nothing could prevented knowledge from developing. In the ancient Greeks, Aristotle is a leaner from Platon, however, his points are always contradictory to his teacher. But anyone couldn't deny their relationship as educator and learners. Now in our times, a famous educating program is the directed studying of the Yale University. Students learn the politics, history and literature systematically of past and modern times. But they are not restrained only in their theories. They analyze, they scrutinize and at last they free their minds and form a particular idea which belongs to themselves and all our human beings in modern time.
  Admittedly, formal educations always share some formed frame, but when referring to the purpose, human beings will always have the dream of living best and letting the spirits hover. So, through education they make the way to obtain a pair of wings.

(总的来说,由于全文没有明确的中心<没有明确回应题目的中心句>，各个段落的主题句也不是很明确，所以，整个给人很乱的感觉。仔细研究题目，然后提炼明确观点，再提供几个中心论点支持全文观点,用各种论证方法对各个分论点进行论证。这四步以及中间三个衔接过程的逻辑非常重要。这就是全文的骨架所在，所有论述都是为这个骨架服务。）

crosswingsUID: 208582

太感谢大家了~有要改的过来，希望和大家良性循环

cloudbirdUID: 208021

改得有什么不妥，也请反馈一下啊，要不自己还不知道呢！

再帮看看我的另一篇。
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D3