Issue154 ★无敌拍场★第一小分队第二篇，欢迎来拍场

avexUID: 159089

Topic:

154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

words:599

outline:
[Postion] support the statement: under the methodic regulation the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.[1] specially designed education will benefit the efficiency of education.
[1] The involvement of parents is essential.
[2] The involvement of communities is necessary as well.
[3] There are still some risks to be managed.


Education occurs not only in schools and colleges but in many other settings, directly and indirectly, intentionally and unintentionally. As the importance of education in non-school settings has been given greater attention by public, also climbing are the instructional roles of both parents and communities. For my personal point of view, in order to succeed in education the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.

Not only do parents afford nearly most home education of their children, but also the interaction between parents and schools contributes a lot to formal education. In a perfect world, it is really unfortunate that not all the teachers realize the characteristic of each of their students in detail. Even the genius of Albert Einstein could not be sensed by his professor, who did not think highly of him and would not recommend him for a university position. I do not dare to allege that with the help of parents teachers will definitely dig out the genuine talent of all the children, but it is mighty likely to target the aim more accurately in that parents are of utmost awareness of the characteristics of their children. Correspondingly, parents will make a profit from the interaction at the same time. The communication with professional teachers will reveal some specific flaws of the instruction of parents and provide parents with some practical advices, all of which lead to the enhancement of family education.

On the other side, the responsibility of communities to involve in local schools cannot be neglected as well. Along with being more responsible for financing local schools, communities support efforts to ensure more equitable opportunities of education regardless of the wealth or the poverty of families by using laws and funds. In China, the government covers most of the elementary and secondary school expenses, and established an organization “Project Hope” to help needy students to complete the primary school education. Furthermore, the significance of the community in terms of education lies in its being not only a major financial supporter of local schools but also a sponsor of education reform. In the United States, the federal government passed the No Child Left behind Act in 2001, a sweeping education reform law to guarantee the high performance in public schools. Additionally, communities attach themselves to refine the strategies of the perceived crisis in student performance taking the place of the one largely based on test-score results. The similar illustration will be easily given, but those will suffice to affirm that the involvement of communities is essential to raise the standard of education.

But taken too far, it will engender some unexpected problems. First, many parents want to warrant that their children learn values that agree with their own and that their children will not be tainted by other views. If this tendency sounds too sharp, the deeper this opinion influences education, the more harm will it do to children. Likewise, communities also impart their concerns to education and for better or worse it will definitely affect students. It is absurd to take it for granted that all the effects are wholesome and innocent, and thereby the appropriate regulation ought to be taken into consideration.

To sum up, it would seem self-evident that education is not merely related to professional educators and the success or failure of a local school depends on the engagement of professional educators, parents and communities. Albeit there are still some risks to be managed, taking all the factors I have provided above into account the necessity of the involvement of parents and communities cannot be denied.

使用修改工具的朋友，可直接下载这个的doc文档便于粘贴修改

oraclerUID: 2178645

Education occurs not only in schools and colleges but in many other settings, directly and indirectly, intentionally and unintentionally. As the importance of education in non-school settings has been given greater attention by public, also climbing are the instructional roles of both parents and communities. For my personal point of view, in order to succeed in education the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.

Not only do parents afford nearly most home education of their children, but also the interaction between parents and schools contributes a lot to formal education. In a perfect world, it is really unfortunate that not all the teachers realize the characteristic of each of their students in detail. Even the genius of Albert Einstein could not be sensed by his professor (应该是Einstein的中学教师，而不是professor), who did not think highly of him and would not recommend him for a university position. I do not dare to allege that with the help of parents (少了逗号) teachers will definitely dig out the genuine talent of all the children, but it is mighty likely to target the aim more accurately in that parents are of utmost awareness of the characteristics of their children. Correspondingly, parents will make a profit from the interaction at the same time. The communication with professional teachers will reveal some specific flaws of the instruction of parents and provide parents with some practical advices, all of which lead to the enhancement of family education.

On the other side, the responsibility of communities to involve in local schools cannot be neglected as well. Along with being more responsible for financing local schools, communities support efforts to ensure more equitable opportunities of education regardless of the wealth or the poverty of families by using laws and funds. In China, the government covers most of the elementary and secondary school expenses, and established （establishes） an organization “Project Hope” to help needy students to complete the primary school education. Furthermore, the significance of the community in terms of education lies in its being not only a major financial supporter of local schools but also a sponsor of education reform. In the United States, the federal government passed the No Child Left behind Act in 2001, a sweeping education reform law to guarantee the high performance in public schools. Additionally, communities attach themselves to refine the strategies of the perceived crisis in student performance taking the place of the one largely based on test-score results. The similar illustration will be easily given, but those will suffice to affirm that the involvement of communities is essential to raise the standard of education.

But taken too far, it will engender some unexpected problems. First, many parents want to warrant that their children learn values that agree with their own and that their children will not be tainted by other views. If this tendency sounds too sharp, the deeper this opinion influences education, the more harm will it (it will) do to children. Likewise, communities also impart their concerns to education and for better or worse it will definitely affect students. It is absurd to take it for granted that all the effects are wholesome and innocent, and thereby the appropriate regulation ought to be taken into consideration.

To sum up, it would seem self-evident that education is not merely related to professional educators and the success or failure of a local school depends on the engagement of professional educators, parents and communities. Albeit there are still some risks to be managed, taking all the factors I have provided above into account the necessity of the involvement of parents and communities cannot be denied.

第一次给人改，小白地改了一下。感觉整个文章读起来很顺畅，结构严谨，思路很明晰，语法，用词都比较准确。看来偶得多向你学习才行:P. 唯一的一点不足个人觉得在谈involvement of parents时，更多的从interaction展开，对parents对孩子的教育所起的作用的论述少了点。

[ 本帖最后由 oracler 于 2006-2-4 00:24 编辑 ]

jqhbUID: 2179575

154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."


Outline:
Position: support the statement: under the methodic regulation the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.
1.        The involvement of parents is essential.
2.        The involvement of communities is necessary as well.
3. There are still some risks to be managed.

Education occurs not only in schools and[or] colleges but in many other settings, directly and indirectly, intentionally[中偏贬，没目的的教育是什么] and unintentionally. As the importance of education in non-school settings has been given greater attention by public, also climbing are the instructional roles of both parents and communities.[这句怎么那么不爽啊，从结构到逻辑，而且开头写那么多干嘛，留点给下面both parents and communities, as two parts of non-school settings, whose importance has been given greater attention by public, are climbing the instructional roles in education]For my personal point of view, in order to succeed in education the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.

Not only do parents afford nearly most home education of their children, but also the interaction between parents and schools contributes a lot to formal education.[你要先讲家庭教育重要，再讲家长与老师的互动，not only前面缺东西] In a perfect world[哪里有啊，加个comparatively喽], it is really unfortunate that not all the teachers realize the characteristic of each of their[去掉of their 吧] students in detail. Even the genius of [like]Albert Einstein could not be sensed[不好sense是器官上的感受到]， by his professor, who did not think highly of him and would not recommend him for a university position. I do not dare to allege that with the help of parents teachers will definitely dig out the genuine talent [复数]of [from]all the children, but it is mighty[去掉] likely to target the aim more accurately in that parents are of utmost awareness of the characteristics of their children.[有关天才的例子不是很好，他们的参与不一定就会出天才，爱因斯坦的老爸老妈什么也没做吧，教育的目的是把孩子变得更好，决不会向父母做任何保证] Correspondingly, parents will make a profit from the interaction at the same time. The communication with professional teachers will reveal some specific flaws of the instruction of parents and provide parents with some practical advices, all of which lead to the enhancement of family education.

On the other side, the responsibility[单复数] of communities to[？] involve in local schools cannot be neglected as well. Along with being more responsible for financing local schools, communities support efforts to ensure more equitable opportunities of education regardless of the wealth or the poverty of families by using[去掉] laws and funds. In China, the government covers most of the elementary and secondary school expenses[这是个贬义词,expenditure] and established an organization “Project Hope” to help needy students to[去掉] complete the primary school education. Furthermore, the significance of the community in terms of education lies in its being not only a major financial supporter of local schools but also a sponsor of education reform. In the United States, the federal government passed the No Child Left behind Act in 2001, a sweeping education reform law[这解释什么意思，没看懂] to guarantee the high performance in public schools.[这例子想干嘛，压根没扯上sponsor,如果有请说明] Additionally, communities attach themselves to refine the strategies of the perceived crisis in student performance taking the place of the one largely based on test-score results. The similar illustration[单复数与后面一至] will be easily given, but those will suffice to affirm that the involvement of communities is essential to raise the standard of education.

But taken too far, it[具体点吧] will engender some unexpected problems. First, many parents want to warrant that their children learn values that agree with their own and that their children will not be tainted by other views.[这什么意思，破话，自己改吧] If this tendency sounds too sharp, the deeper this opinion influences education, the more harm will it do to children.[下面给点理由或例子呀] Likewise, communities also impart their concerns to education and for better or worse it [it 指什么，作主语？]will definitely affect students.[同上上] It is absurd to take it for granted that all the effects are wholesome and innocent, and thereby the appropriate regulation ought to be taken into consideration.

To sum up, it would seem self-evident that education is not merely related to professional educators and the success or failure of a local school depends on the engagement[cooperation 好点] of professional educators, parents and communities. Albeit there are still some risks to be managed, taking all the factors I have provided above into account the necessity of the involvement of parents and communities cannot be denied.

[总的来说：

不太赞成你把parents 和communities分开写
有例子是好，但用得不怎么样
逻辑上欠紧凑，千说服力
语法功底嘛………………………………
ps：你最擅长的把戏：变换句式，又一次得逞了

………………扬长避短喽%•#%！%……#￥%……

好了，看过你改的，不错呀。很费心吧，谢谢
我平常时间不多，改不了多少篇，以后改你的为主，我的也多半请你改吧
你改的很细心也很好
再谢]

[ 本帖最后由 jqhb 于 2006-2-4 21:17 编辑 ]

hchoUID: 204567

154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."


Education occurs not only in schools and colleges but in many other settings, directly and indirectly, intentionally and unintentionally. As the importance of education in non-school settings has been given greater attention by public [一开始谈非学校方面的教育好像没有必要,觉得换一个更直接的开头也许更好], also climbing are the instructional roles of both parents and communities. For my personal point of view [刚查了朗文，更地道的说法应该是from my point of view], in order to succeed in education the involvement of parents and communities will be both indispensable and beneficial.

Not only do parents afford nearly most home education of their children, but also the interaction between parents and schools contributes a lot to formal education. In a perfect world [感觉有点中式英语，不如反着说 In the real world, unfortunately not…], it is really unfortunate that not all the teachers realize the characteristic [realize the characteristic 有点怪怪的，词典推荐用法：be able to distinguish the individual characteristic of each student] of each of their students in detail. Even the genius of Albert Einstein could not be sensed [用detected 吧] by his professor, who did not think highly of him and would not [不情愿，was unwilling to] recommend him for a university position. / I do not dare to allege that with the help of parents teachers will definitely dig out the genuine talent of all the children, but it is mighty likely to target the aim [target the aim好像没这么说的,用meet the target可能好些] more accurately in that parents are of utmost awareness of the characteristics of their children.  / [其实这段论证也是可以的，但也许举个例子会更好，不如Forest Gump的老妈，这样你也不用说I do not dare to allege了] Correspondingly, parents will make a profit from the interaction at the same time. The communication with professional teachers will reveal some specific flaws of the instruction of parents [parents’ instruction] and provide parents with some practical advices, all of which lead to the enhancement of family education.

On the other side, the responsibility of communities to involve [for involving] in local schools cannot be neglected as well. Along with being more responsible for financing local schools, communities support efforts [没有support effort的说法吧，make effort/ focus effort on] to ensure more equitable opportunities of education regardless of the wealth or the poverty of families [保险起见regardless…families还是删掉吧] by using laws and funds. In China, the government covers most of the elementary and secondary school expenses, and established [平行结构的时态错误，establishes] an organization “Project Hope” to help needy students to complete the [指代错误their] primary school education. Furthermore, the significance of the community in terms of education lies in its being not only a major financial supporter of local schools but also a sponsor of education reform. In the United States, the federal government passed the No Child Left behind Act in 2001, a sweeping education reform law to guarantee the high performance in public schools [没有体现出communities的作用，最好换个方式说]. Additionally, communities attach themselves to refine the strategies of the perceived crisis in student performance / taking the place of the one largely based on test-score results/ [taking 后面看不懂，是不是少个by阿？]. The similar illustration [similar illustrations，没特指不加the] will be easily given, but those will suffice to affirm that the involvement of communities is essential to raise the standard of education [觉得最后一句不是太好].

But taken too far [我不是很确定这个用法，要是我就加if], it will engender some unexpected problems. First, many parents want to warrant that their children learn values that agree with their own and that their children will not be tainted by other views. If this tendency sounds too sharp [sound sharp，没见过，查不到], the deeper this opinion influences education, the more harm will it do [cause] to children. Likewise, communities also impart their concerns to education and for better or worse it will definitely affect students. It is absurd to take it for granted that all the effects are wholesome and innocent, and thereby the appropriate regulation ought to be taken into consideration [It is absurd 无论从句式，语气，还是你想表达的内容都不是很好，建议用common sense informs us that].

To sum up, it would seem self-evident [我要是考官就很痛恨这个词] that education is not merely related to professional educators and the success or failure of a local school depends on the engagement [同意楼上的，engagement意义不对] of professional educators, parents and communities. Albeit there are still some risks to be managed [manage risk太怪了,eliminate, minimize], taking all the factors I have provided above into account the necessity of the involvement of parents and communities cannot be denied.

呵呵，第一次在网上改文章，不是高手，只是10G考过一次，算是有点失败的经验吧。

全文总体来说不像二楼说的那么好，但也不至于被三楼贬的那么低。总体来说还是一篇很中规中矩的issue。我的评价如下：

1.结构和逻辑问题：
1）我也不赞成把parent和community分开写，我当时写的时候恰好是把条条变成了框框，先写对学校建设和学生学习的好处，再写他们的副作用，最后强调老师的重要性。
2）有几个例子没有点好，比如parent如何帮助老师认识他们孩子的genius缺乏说服力，no child left behind act又没有点到要说的内容。
3）开头太罗嗦，又没用
4）通篇用transition phase太多了，导致你的结构非常明显，这绝不是好事，不信你看看ets6分和5分的范文就知道了。这之所以是个问题，是因为你大量的使用逻辑转接词而忽视了各层次之间内在的联系。Transition phase只是一种低级的过渡方式，重视句与句内在的自然过渡才是更重要的
2. 语言，楼主的语言功底可见一斑，非常注重variation。但也有些不地道的表达，已经标在文中了。
总之，要我写也不过如此了。2月24号还要再考一次，真的希望能在这种互改中获得提高。唉，我什么时候才能揣透ets的心机啊。

[ 本帖最后由 hcho 于 2006-2-4 23:06 编辑 ]

avexUID: 159089

感谢上面两位同学详细的修改
对于例子，我会再做思考；有些道理
关于Transition phase楼上说得很对，这方面我会改进的

对于语言
首先谢谢hcho & jqhb的修改
form my point of view 确实更地道
establish 和 engagement的也需要修改

接下来是我的一些回复
In a perfect world就是真实世界中，见别人老用学过来的
support effort 确实是个地道说法，来自micro的东东
But taken too far来自孙远的例文

然后回复jqhb:
实在不好意思，除了establish，你改的语法上的问题都是错的。好好补习一下语法吧
你有什么不明白可以来问我
然后你的观察很敏锐，不过。。。。几处说的都是我偷搬或模仿老外的
第一段你改的那两句，后一个是倒装你疏忽了来自economist的用法学来的，第一句并不是无目的的教育，而是潜意识下发生的教育来补充说明教育发生在everywhere从encarta学来的

倒数第二段
First, many parents want to warrant that their children learn values that agree with their own and that their children will not be tainted by other views.[这什么意思，破话，自己改吧]
这句来自一片老外的关于家庭教育的comment，这句我很偷懒只加了个first就抄过来了

其他几处去掉的多半都是去掉就出语法错误或者没有影响的。（不详述，见语法书）

[ 本帖最后由 avex 于 2006-2-5 00:15 编辑 ]

jqhbUID: 2179575

喂,你这样到处乱抄是不对的

首先什么老外的文章，什么破词典，都是些颠三倒四，随性子用的，你也信，而且拿来就用
鲁迅的门前两棵树，一棵是枣树， 另一课还是枣树的破话你听过吧
考试作文 ，尤其是ets看你的逻辑措辞是否严谨，不是要文采飞杨，语出太惊人
建议你抄普希金的诗啊好了，把家长们好好歌颂一边

还有，会给你提出来的都是些费解晦涩难懂的，如若你的话是源于高人，拿出来一起分享就好了拉，你这样生硬的说别人改错是很不好，以后谁敢细改，挑个错别字就好

还有，你这样突然跳出一些太地道的话，很奇怪的，就像在小学一年级作文里看到，逝折长斯这样的话，你会有什么反应

算了

avexUID: 159089

原帖由 jqhb 于 2006-2-5 18:28 发表
喂,你这样到处乱抄是不对的

首先什么老外的文章，什么破词典，都是些颠三倒四，随性子用的，你也信，而且拿来就用
鲁迅的门前两棵树，一棵是枣树， 另一课还是枣树的破话你听过吧
考试作文 ，尤其是ets看你的逻辑措辞是否严谨，不是要文采飞杨，语出太惊人
建议你抄普希金的诗啊好了，把家长们好好歌颂一边

还有，会给你提出来的都是些费解晦涩难懂的，如若你的话是源于高人，拿出来一起分享就好了拉，你这样生硬的说别人改错是很不好，以后谁敢细改，挑个错别字就好

还有，你这样突然跳出一些太地道的话，很奇怪的，就像在小学一年级作文里看到，逝折长斯这样的话，你会有什么反应

算了  

呵呵，你的回复真是叹为观止
不过，依然useless
首先我看的都是学术文章，也就是ets所需要我们达到的目标
不存在你说的什么鲁迅的问题，根本没有可比性
最后那句可以去看原来斑竹鬼谷子在issue130题谈到的一篇essay，是谈论homeschool的

我不觉得哪句有那么费解难懂，我觉得很平常
正式书面文章，语言上的变化比这多太多了，我觉你有点少见多怪

还有写作不从阅读（读自然是老外的文章，难道看china daily）中来，从哪来
没有进就没有出

互拍本来就是讨论，难道你说的不对。也得点头说改得好

其次，不知道我的回复那里使你那么生气，需要这么回复。
如果我上面对你批改的回复，哪有不妥，实在不好意思

ps:要是句式都用四级水平，我也没什么意见也没觉得什么不好，但是不要满篇语法错误

[ 本帖最后由 avex 于 2006-2-5 19:30 编辑 ]

adugduUID: 2177983

都是牛人啊~~

aefiterUID: 2134740

unintentional 非故意的
involve 及物动词