ARGUMENT147 第一篇aw作文，求拍

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超高频，第一篇aw作文，用了两个小时：（，已经用word用该了一下简单的语法和拼写错误。
大家帮我看看吧，拍到满意为止：）

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 565          TIME: 2:12:02          DATE: 2006-2-18

In this editorial the author concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video game are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To support the conclusion, the author cites a survey which shows that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-data computers and the Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign for people 10 to 25 years old. After a carefully thinking, however, I find none of these facts can lend credible supports to the author's conclusion.

To begin with, the author doesn't mention the age range of the people that the survey covered. The author says that the adverting campaign of Whirlwind is directed at people 10 to 25 years old, but in the editorial the author does not give the how old the people covered by the survey are. Perhaps the people attending in the survey are older than 25 or younger than 10. If so, no evidence demonstrates the people 10 to 25 years old will like such kinds of video games.

Even if the ages of volunteers who attend the survey are 10 to 25 years old, maybe these youths can not afford the price of the most up-to-data computers. As we know the most up-to-data computers is rather expensive, so only a few families can afford them. Moreover the most people in this range of age generally have no income. They need to ask their parents to buy such a computer. Few parents would like to spend so such money in buying a computer for their children to play game.

Additionally, even assuming that the game players may prefer the games providing lifelike graphics, no evidence shows that the games introduced by Whirlwind will fit for the player's taste. The games providing lifelike graphics also vary?? in types. The video games about fighting, sport, adventure and so on, all of them can have lifelike graphics. The author doesn't point out what kind's of games people like most and what kinds of game the Whirlwind introduced. It has a high probability that people will not accept the games introducing by Whilwind.

The author also assumes if the game players prefer the kinds of games that Whrilwind developed, they will buy the game introduced by Whirlwind. In practice, that won't always happen. Perhaps many other companies provide the same kinds of games as the Whirlwind's and the qualities of their games are better than Whirlwind's, the player will still not choose the Whirlwind's.

Finally, it is unknown that why the sales of Whirlwind video game declined over the past two years. Besides the kinds of games, many other reasons will cause the decrease in sales, such as the very high price, having no good sellers and etc. It is likely that in the past two years the Whirlwind always introduced such kinds of games with the same advertising campaign. Therefore the increase will not occur if Whirlwind does not upgrade other reason.

In sum, the conclusion of the author is not well supported. To bolster the conclusion, the author should know the how old the people involved in the survey are and how many game players have the most up-to-data computers. The author also need to justify if the game players will prefer the game introduced by Whirlwind, and how many other companies which develop such kinds of video games.

[ 本帖最后由 handsome 于 2006-2-19 14:32 编辑 ]

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55555，没有人给改啊：（

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占座 晚点来看

cavanaUID: 2178782

In this editorial the author concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video game are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To support the conclusion, the author cites a survey which shows that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-data computers and the Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign for people 10 to 25 years old. After a carefully thinking, however, I find none of these facts can lend credible supports to the author's conclusion.

To begin with, the author doesn't mention the age range of the people that the survey covered. The author says that the adverting campaign of Whirlwind is directed at people 10 to 25 years old, but in the editorial the author does not give the how old the people covered by the survey are[这个are不要了]. Perhaps the people attending in the survey are older than 25 or younger than 10. If so, no evidence demonstrates the people 10 to 25 years old will like such kinds of video games.

Even if the ages of volunteers who attend the survey are 10 to 25 years old, maybe these youths can not afford the price of the most up-to-data computers. As we know the most up-to-data computers is[are] rather expensive, so only a few families can afford them. Moreover the[去掉the] most people in this range of age generally have no income. They need to ask their parents to buy such a computer. Few parents would like to spend so such money in buying a computer for their children to play game.

Additionally, even assuming that the game players may prefer the games providing lifelike graphics, no evidence shows that the games introduced by Whirlwind will fit for the player's taste. The games providing lifelike graphics also vary?? in types. The video games about fighting, sport, [and] adventure and so on, all of them can have lifelike graphics. The author doesn't point out what kind's of games people like most and what kinds of game the Whirlwind introduced. It has a high probability that people will not accept the games introducing by Whilwind.

The author also assumes if the game players prefer the kinds of games that Whrilwind developed, they will buy the game introduced by Whirlwind. In practice, that won't always happen. Perhaps many other companies provide the same kinds of games as the Whirlwind's and the qualities of their games are better than Whirlwind's, the player will still not choose the Whirlwind's.

Finally, it is unknown that why the sales of Whirlwind video game declined over the past two years. Besides the kinds of games, many other reasons will cause the decrease in sales, such as the very high price, having no good sellers and etc. It is likely that in the past two years the Whirlwind always introduced such kinds of games with the same advertising campaign. Therefore the increase will not occur if Whirlwind does not upgrade other reason.

In sum, the conclusion of the author is not well supported. To bolster the conclusion, the author should know the how old the people involved in the survey are and how many game players have the most up-to-data computers. The author also need [needs] to justify if the game players will prefer the game introduced by Whirlwind, and how many other companies which develop such kinds of video games.[这一段又说了很多建议，但我觉得这个时候最好再攻击一下作者的结论，说了这么多归根结底是要说他的结论无法成立，仅靠上一段末尾的那句话我觉得力度还是不够]


[总得说来， 你这篇文章写得挺不错的，我在新东方的时候听老师分析这题的所有的论点你都写到了，的确很全面，赞一个！ 我只能给你提一些提些语法上的建议。另外，对于结论的攻击是不能少的，一定要在结尾的时候多写几句话，否则总觉得少点什么。
另外语言也很流畅， 加油！]