0706G同主题写作第七期

tianeUID: 2299690

When we talk about some significant events such as the War Between the States, the External war of Napoleon, the great leader's names Abraham Lincoln and Napoleon will run into our minds. We have known about them by learning history in textbooks, or on the TV. It looks like that it is the great leader who has created history. As far as I am concerned, I think history is created by both the great leaders and groups of people and none of them can be lacked. I offer two examples that serve well to illustrate my view.

Napoleon, as we know, is considered to be one of the greatest French heroes who have almost dominated the whole Europe in the earlier 19th century. Is this magnificent feat achieved by him, a man with a gun whose height was less than one meter six? Obviously no! Supported by hundreds and hundreds of soldiers and French people, could Napoleon win hundreds of battles and defend France from enemies' attack. Now many people will share the belief that the soldiers and French people have achieved French glorious feat in this time. Is this true? Without Napoleon's lead and correct commands they will joined together and won so many battles? We can get the answer from the period without Napoleon' leading during that time, nothing could they do. Napoleon had good leadership skills and high authority to gather all the soldiers and people even from different countries together; he was also a militarist and did many correct commands to win battles one by one. Therefore we can conclude that the soldiers led by Napoleon created this history of France.

The energy of groups of people is huge enough to defeat any army no matter how strong they are, it can also built many glorious buildings such as the Great Wall of China, Pyramids of Egypt and other marvelous achievements. However, without an efficient leader, the energy of individuals is dispersed and they could achieve nothing. When it comes to the Great Wall of China, many people will say it was Qin Shihuang who built it, could he finish these thousands of kilometers long thirty meters high wall which sitting among many mountains himself? Nobody could believe. The Great Wall was built by thousands of Chinese people gathered by Qin Shihuang.

From what has discussed above, we can safely conclude that, without groups of people, individuals could achieve nothing. Wile without an effect leader, no matter how many people are there, could they achieve nothing. Only groups of people led by an effect leader, they can make the most significant events.

zxx366UID: 2193482

When we talk about some significant events such as the War Between the States, the External war of Napoleon, the great leader's names Abraham Lincoln and Napoleon will run into our minds. We have known about them by learning history in textbooks, or on the TV. It looks like that it is the great leader who has created history. As far as I am concerned, I think history is created by both the great leaders and groups of people and none of them can be lacked. I offer two examples that serve well to illustrate my view.  [忘了是在哪里看到的了，说不要在第一段举例子，只写观点，不然会使你的开头变得累赘。虽然你的语言很顺畅，但还是显得有点长了，大概50字就够了。]

Napoleon, as we know, is considered to be one of the greatest French heroes who have almost dominated the whole Europe in the earlier 19th century. Is this magnificent feat achieved by him, a man with a gun whose height was less than one meter six? Obviously no! [加Without] Supported by hundreds and hundreds of soldiers and French people, could Napoleon win hundreds of battles and defend France from enemies' attack. Now many people will share the belief that the soldiers and French people have achieved French glorious feat in this time. Is this true? Without Napoleon's lead and correct commands they will joined together and won so many battles? We can get the answer from the period without Napoleon' leading during that time, nothing could they do.[这么说有点过了吧，呵呵，不过我能体会你要表达的情绪~ ]Napoleon had good leadership skills and high authority to gather all the soldiers and people even from different countries together[去掉，和gather重了]; he was also a militarist and did many correct commands to win battles one by one. Therefore we can conclude that the soldiers led by Napoleon created this history of France.[可你其实还是挺强调拿破仑的个人能力和领导作用的，这个结论有点片面了。]

The energy of groups of people is huge enough to defeat any army no matter how strong they are[又绝对了…], it can also built many glorious buildings such as the Great Wall of[in] China, Pyramids of[in] Egypt and other marvelous achievements. However, without an efficient leader, the energy of individuals is dispersed and they could achieve nothing. When it[指代什么？是想表达人吧？] comes to the Great Wall of China, many people will say it was Qin Shihuang[是这么表达吗？建议查一下！] who built it, [感觉缺连词..]could he finish these thousands of kilometers long thirty meters high wall which sitting among many mountains himself? Nobody could believe. The Great Wall was built by thousands of Chinese people gathered by Qin Shihuang.

From what has discussed above, we can safely conclude that, without groups of people, individuals could achieve nothing. Wile[while] without an effect leader, no matter how many people are there, could they achieve nothing. Only groups of people led by an effect leader, they can make the most significant events

这种结构的文章我还真是没见过，所以不敢枉加评论。
一般来讲，文章各段都会有个分论点，写在段首，举的例子也是支持该论点的。一篇文章分3-4段，这样整个文章会显得比较有条理，也容易拉长。另外例子也很少写这么长，通常两句带过，再加上分析或总结。不过倒是听说外国人不善思考，爱听故事，所以我说不准。

作者是一个balance的观点，两个例子都体现了这种balance。词汇也还不错的。建议少用绝对的词，比如nothing改成 little，不然太极端了。还有就是觉得反问句用的有点多了，虽然是很加强语势的，但有两三个就够了，别吓着考官，呵呵。可以改成强调句/同位语/倒装什么的。另外还是需要再写长一点。

呵呵，我其实也比较不懂啦，lz挑合理的看吧~

+U+U !!!