issue196 追星剑特训1.3作业 必回拍

linakUID: 155465

Issue196. Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life.
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With the development of our society, people are concerning more and more about the effect of technology, either to our lives or to the environments. The author says that technology creates more problems than it solves and may threaten or even damage the quality of life. I concede that technology may bring some bad effect to the environments; however, I strongly insist that the advantages brought by technology undoubtedly overweigh the disadvantages along with it, especially to the quality of life.

Undoubtedly, because of the technology, now we can solve more complex problems easily that can not be done by our predecessors. Just take the computer as an example. Before the computer comes to us, people might take many days or even months just to solve a complex equation on the paper. However, with the computer, we just need to make a program of the equation and input the number then we can get the result. We can also visit the digital library-compact all the information and materials on several CD or DVD-on the computer to get information. It is so quick and convenient that people can save more money and time to do other things. And the method-compact big amount of information on small CD or DVD-saved much money because in the past we need print many books to record it, maybe even built many buildings to load the books. Now because we have high technology, these problems can be easily solved.

More ever and more importantly, technology has dramatically improved people's quality of lives. Because of technology, we can make many more delicious and nutritional food to cater different people, so that make them more healthy and powerful; Because of technology, we can make many more beautiful clothes to decorate people so that make then more fashion; Because of technology, we can live in a more comfortable environments, for example, with the air-conditioner we will not very hot in the summer either not very cold in the winter; And because of technology, we can travel to other place easily with different kinds of vehicles. Therefore, technology will benefit our lives rather than threaten or damage the quality of life.

However, as a sword has two blades, technology can also bring some bad effects to us, especially the environments. Having the goal to develop technology, people have founded many factories in the cities, which is a big threat to our society. I can always see that a river near a factory was contaminated by the rubbish outputted from the factory, which threatened the lives of the residents nearby. So at the moment of emphasizing the importance of technology, we can not ignore its bad effect to environments, otherwise we may pay much for it.

In sum, technology has helped us solve more problems and make our lives more and more good and colorful. However, we should not ignore the bad effect along with the goodness so that we can use technology to serve us better.

[ Last edited by linak on 2005-6-23 at 22:00 ]

九月爱上乒乓球UID: 151821

占坐.

先睡觉再说.

莫名NUID: 146481

With the development of our society, people are concerning more and more about the effect of technology, either to our lives or to the environments. The author says that technology creates more problems than (those) it solves and may threaten or even damage the quality of life. I concede that technology may bring some bad effect (effects) to the environments; however, I strongly insist that the advantages brought by technology undoubtedly overweigh the disadvantages along with it, especially to the quality of life.

Undoubtedly,(这里的undoubtedly和第一段最后一句中的undoubtedly重复了，可不可以换掉一个词) because of the technology, now we can solve more complex problems easily that can not be done by our predecessors.(now we can easily solve more complex problems that …) Just take the computer(a computer) as an example. Before the computer comes to us, people might take many days or even months just to solve a complex equation on the paper(paper). However, with the computer, we just need to make a program of the equation and input the number then we can get the result. We can also visit the digital library-compact all the information and materials on several CD or DVD-on the computer to get information. It is so quick and convenient that people can save more money and time to do other things. (觉得改成it is so quick and convenient  for people to save more money and time to do other things.会更简练一点)And the method-compact big amount of information on small CD or DVD-saved much money because in the past we need (to) print many books to record it, maybe even built(build) many buildings to load the books. Now because we have high technology, these problems can be easily solved.(感觉这句话和前面的重复了)

More ever and more importantly, technology has dramatically improved people's quality of lives. Because of technology, we can make many more delicious and nutritional food to cater different people, so that make them more healthy and powerful; Because of technology, we can make many more beautiful clothes to decorate people so that make then more fashion;(前两句的so that 用法有错误，so that后的主语在哪里？) Because of technology, we can live in a more comfortable environments(more comfortable environment), for example, with the(an) air-conditioner we will not (feel) very hot in the summer(summer) either not(去掉not) very cold in the winter; And because of technology, we can travel to other place(s) easily with different kinds of vehicles. Therefore, technology will benefit our lives rather than threaten or damage the quality of life.(这个总结用在这里不是很好，因为你只说了technology benefit our lives,而并没有说damage the quality of life.)

However, as a sword has two blades, technology can also bring some bad effects to us, especially (to) the environments. Having the goal to develop technology, people have founded many factories in the cities, which is a big threat to our society.(这里应该对环境有威胁，而不是对社会有威胁，办工厂对于社会来说其实还是利更多的) I can always see that a river near a factory was contaminated by the rubbish outputted from the factory, which threatened the lives of the residents nearby. So at the moment of emphasizing the importance of technology, we can not ignore its bad effect to environments, otherwise we may pay much(more) for it.

In sum, technology has helped us solve more problems and make our lives more and more good and colorful. However, we should not ignore the bad effect along with the goodness so that we can use technology to serve us better.(结尾单调了点)

总体来说，文章的思路还是比较清楚的，不过DD啊，小错误比以前多了哈，特别是在定冠词和不定冠词的用法上。另外，我觉得你的行文比较单薄，好象简单了点，可能是因为科技方面的例子都比较熟悉，所以没有什么特别新的感觉。加油哦~~~

so猫UID: 148633

这么多牛姐姐都被你拉动了啊?
不厚道啊
你到底要多少人来给你改作文了哈
我去跟莫莫跟9月商量下换着改好咯

cloudbirdUID: 208021

With the development of our society, people are concerning more and more about the effect of technology, either to our lives or to the environments. The author says that technology creates more problems than it solves and may threaten or even damage the quality of life. I concede that technology may bring some bad effect to the environments; however, I strongly insist that the advantages brought by technology undoubtedly overweigh the disadvantages along with it, especially to the quality of life.
我们两个采用了类似的开头啊，呵呵！
文章的让步部分好像还是没有完全对应题目。题目说Technology creates more problems than it solves，体现在出现的问题比解决的更多，这里有一点比较的意思，并没有简单地说技术进步产生了一些问题。

说明：楼上给你的改正很详细，非常的好，他改的地方我就不再罗嗦了。

Undoubtedly（这个放着里似乎有些不太协调）, because of (用thanks那个短语，“感谢――” 可能更好些)the technology, now we（把we写的具体些，如物理学家，数学家等，后面的论述继续使用保证指代的一致性，可以使文章更丰富，甚至起到一点例证的作用，何乐而不为） can solve more complex problems easily that can（不要太绝对，委婉一点点） not be done by our predecessors. Just take the computer as an example. Before the computer comes to us, people might take many days or even months just to solve a complex equation on the paper. However（我习惯将这个地方用while）, with the computer, we just need to make a program of the equation and input the number then we can get the result. We can also visit the digital library-compact all the information and materials on several CD or DVD-on the computer to get information. It is so quick and convenient that people can save more money and time to do other things.（细细品味这个例子，然后看看在本段的主题句，似乎没有很好地回应solve more complex problems easily ，当然也还没有跑调）And the method-compact big amount of information on small CD or DVD-saved much money because in the past we need print many books to record it, maybe even built many buildings to load the books. Now because we have high technology, these problems can be easily solved.（一段的后面可以来个总结很好，我的那几篇习作也常采用这种方式。但是最好换一个角度来讲，这样使论证更为丰富，深刻；如果换个角度有难度，最好就不要再写了，以免重复，反而败笔。）

More ever and more importantly, technology has dramatically improved people's quality of lives. Because of technology（类似的地方，用了一次啊）, we can make many（much） more delicious and nutritional food to cater different people, so that make them more healthy and powerful(逻辑的严密性不太够，有这么大的效果么，要是拿到argument上，要遭批的了); Because of technology, we can make many more beautiful clothes to decorate people so that make then more fashion; Because of technology, we can live in a more comfortable environments, for example, with the air-conditioner we will not very hot in the summer either not very cold in the winter; And because of technology, we can travel to other place easily with different kinds of vehicles. Therefore, technology will benefit our lives rather than threaten or damage the quality of life. (一段之类用了三个Because of technology，其实最好组织句子将它们整合成一个结构紧凑的排比句会更好)

However, as a sword has two blades, technology can also bring some bad effects to us, especially the environments. Having the goal to develop technology（发展科技是建立工厂的目标还是手段？是目标吗？）, people have founded many factories in the cities, which is a big threat to our society。（最好给出详细类型的工厂，再说对环境有危害，不要笼统的说） I can always see that a river near a factory（具体工厂类型） was contaminated by the rubbish outputted from the factory, which threatened the lives of the residents nearby. So at the moment of emphasizing the importance of technology（改成使用技术比强调技术更好可能更好更直接）, we can not ignore its bad effect to environments, otherwise we may pay much for it.

In sum, technology has helped us solve more problems （文中没有体现这个more，所以慎用）and make our lives more and more good and colorful. However（这里用这个词感觉怪怪的，要不可以换一个，个人意见）, we should not ignore the bad effect along with the goodness so that we can use technology to serve us better。

文章的思路于结构还是比较清楚的，只是文章在句式与用词方面单调缺少变化！
对于例证我有个建议：最好不要用太多的we，people，factory之类的笼统的词 ，尽量将其具体到某一小的范围，这样可以为自己确定一个例子的靶子，以利于深入的把例子深化！并给阅卷人以深刻的印象！像这篇习作中例子论证的深度与给人的印象就很有欠缺！

还有，整篇文章几乎充斥着“because  of  ------we  can do ----”之类的句型啊，有些单调，单薄了点！

继续加油！！！！！

希望帮忙把这一篇给拍拍，期待啊
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4

linakUID: 155465

谢谢,谢谢楼上几位给我改的啊:)
这两天好好学习

ps:占座那两位,是不是也考虑改一下?

linakUID: 155465

Originally posted by cloudbird at 2005-6-24 22:22
With the development of our society, people are concerning more and more about the effect of technology, either to our lives or to the environments. The author says that technology creates more pro ...

行,一定给你拍

iPodUID: 2105485

With the development of our society [这一句不地道], people are concerning more and more about [concern ...with...]  the effect of technology, either to our lives or to the environments. The author says that technology creates more problems than it solves and may threaten or even damage the quality of life. [重复时应适当改写一下，ETS很不喜欢无谓的重复的]  I concede that technology may bring some bad effect to the environments; however, I strongly insist that the advantages brought by technology undoubtedly overweigh the disadvantages along with it, especially to the quality of life. [ personal view,觉得第一段重复太多，其实可以两三句就搞定的。绕来绕去其实说的就是反对作者。简洁一点，不然会让your readers 觉得没有读下去的欲望了]

Undoubtedly,[强行转折，让人觉得突兀，过度一下会不会更好？]  because of the technology, now [放到后面会好一点] we can solve more [个人觉得more and more 好些]  complex problems easily that can not be done by our predecessors. Just take the computer as an example [其实我以前也有这个毛病，举例的话直接for example就够了] . Before the computer comes to us, people might take many days or even months just [多余] to solve a complex equation on the paper. However, with the computer, we just need [只需要~不要这么说，不地道。] to make a program of the equation and input the number then we can get the result. We can also visit the digital library-compact all the information and materials on several CD or DVD-on the computer to get information. It is so quick and convenient that people can save more money and time to do other things. And the method-compact big amount of information on small CD or DVD-saved much money [save money 上一句以说过了啊，如果想展开先行词不要用and]  because in the past we need [ needed] print many books to record it, maybe even built many buildings to load the books. Now because we have high technology, these problems can be easily solved.

More ever and more importantly, technology has dramatically improved people's quality of lives. Because of technology,[because of technology AGAIN?不要老用同样的词组，用due to ，thanks to可不可以？其实我知道你用的是排比，但请区别于上段]  we can make many more delicious and nutritional food to cater different people, so that make them more healthy and powerful; Because of technology, we can make many more beautiful clothes to decorate people so that make then more fashion; Because of technology, we can live in a more comfortable environments, for example, with the air-conditioner we will not very hot in the summer either not very cold in the winter; And because of technology, we can travel to other place easily with different kinds of vehicles. Therefore, technology will benefit our lives rather than threaten or damage the quality of life. [这一段论证不严密。感觉论据杂而不精。the key point is让你的论据充分的 support your TS，重要的 是质，不是量]

However, as a sword has two blades,[别用这个了，since有好多人也用，就没什么新意了]  technology can also bring some bad effects to us, especially the environments. Having the goal to develop technology, people have [前面以用have了，后面不要重复,try GET]founded many factories in the cities, which is a big threat to our society. [结构不错]  I can always see that a river near a factory was contaminated by the rubbish outputted from the factory, which threatened the lives of the residents nearby. So at the moment of emphasizing the importance of technology, we can not ignore its bad effect to environments, otherwise we may pay much for it.

In sum, technology has helped us [ + to] solve more problems and make [makes] our lives more and more good [serious problem !! It should be BETTER AND BETTER.] and colorful. However, we should not ignore the bad effect along with the goodness so that we can use technology to serve us better.

总的来说，你的这篇文章写得比较不同，没有闪光之处 [sorry,太直接的点] 文章用词比较~单薄~这也是楼上的同志对你不约而同的看法。楼主应尝试解决这方面的问题啊。例子方面不能很好的support TS。例子太老套。[sorry again] 没有给人新鲜感。那些5。6分的文章总是能调动readers的胃口看下去。建议楼主多看看ETS的范文先。
总的感觉就是文章太平了，就是普通了点。看完觉得象喝杯白开水一样。没太大感觉。
很抱歉对你的批评有点严厉，请楼主不要见怪。不舒服的感觉是有的，但重要的是能从中学到些什么。期待你的进步！！