Issue5 第一篇 互改才有助于进步

小玩UID: 2111777

题目
5. "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."


提纲：
1 需要一些课设置为相同的
2 要结合地方实际情况考虑

When it comes to selection of curriculum, I believe that it is necessary to pick out a list of core courses for all students before college level to study, with the concession that some freedom should also be given to local schools.

The necessity of federal education department’s appointment of some so-called core courses for all students in elementary or secondary schools can be justified mainly in two aspects. Young children, characterized as immature owing to lack of enough intellectual equipment and life experience, always show a vague view of the black and white, of the unknown future. Therefore, they are in an urgent need of general guidance, both academically and morally. In fact, that is exactly what elementary or secondary should focus on. In the perspective of academics, some national compulsory courses provide children with basic knowledge and skills. For instance, pupils learn simple arithmetical principles and geometrical axioms by learning mathematics, which are regarded as essential capabilities for any literate. In addition, even if one may not choose this profound discipline as his major or career in the future, he will inherit a good habit of thinking logically and thoroughly, dealing with facts carefully and critically by studying mathematics, which undoubtedly of great help in any specialization.

Moreover, we should notice the role that courses play in students’ moral phase, especially some liberal arts, which is originally designed to promote moral sensitivity. A case in point is history. History is always required as a compulsory discipline since primary school, for it usually acts as a passage to cultivate a citizen's patriotism, which is deemed priority in any country and admired as a virtue. Without an overview of one's motherland's past, how can we expect our young generation to appreciate her? Let alone to work together and devote oneself for her brilliant tomorrow. In other words, by offering such common curriculum, we try to create common bonds among youngsters, in spite of their increasingly diverse backgrounds, thus preserve social stability and unity.

However, since varieties do exist, it is judicious for federal education department to make the setting of subjects more flexible, that is, to grant local schools some degree of freedom to devise specific courses by taking into regional factors into account. Cultural consideration is a typical one. Maintaining individuality is crucial to every nation, every ethnic group, and every member, despite of the trend of globalization. A distinguishing example is the preservation of customs or traditions. As is known to all, there exist many ethnic groups in the United States and almost each possesses a unique culture, including language, beliefs, rituals, arts and so on. Just like the UNESCO stated in its constitution, culture deserves conservation for the following generations as permanent treasure in human history. Hence, putting such issues into teaching plans seems an sound idea.

Furthermore, curriculum in most cases is subject to local conditions, such as financial, geographical, or climatic. On some occasions, it is such objective conditions that cast limits to the range of course selection. For example, in some inland cities, there are no places for students to learn surfing. After all, it is unwise for government to invest large funds to “create” such facilities to cater to this “luxury” demand at the expense of a heavy budget burden. On the contrary, children living in coastal regions may be requested to master this skill, not only because of the splendid environment endowed by God, but also as an indispensable survival skill to some extent, when it comes to consider the frequency of storm or ever hurricane strikes to these regions. Therefore, local education department should arrange courses due to current resources. (这个例子行不行啊？写完猛然发现academic course这个东西。或许换成什么实验设备之类的会好点？)

In sum, since curriculum is critical to students, officials as well as educators should combine both general and specific considerations by insisting principles and granting freedom at the same time. After all, the ultimate goal education pursued is to make curriculum serve students best.

先来自我批评一下……
1 开头写得不好，抄题怕遭，原创又创不出来－___－|||
2 分段。偶的两大点都分两小层，不分似乎一段太长，分了感觉也怪怪的，怎么办？
3 语言、句型都属于比较低级的，还要多多积累，多多学习。有什么建议和方法啊？
4 烦请大家帮我看看逻辑有没有问题……

偶现在急需大家的帮助来给自己的AW定位，看究竟在个什么水平，才有努力的方向啊~先谢谢大家了~

偶会努力写作文，当然也会努力帮忙改作文，留下链接，有空就改

[ Last edited by 小玩 on 2005-6-27 at 16:34 ]

conquer0824UID: 2102638

When it comes to selection of curriculum, I believe that it is necessary to pick out a list of core courses （这里说核心课程，是不是要与国家课程联系一下呢）for all students before college level to study, with the concession that some freedom should also be given to local schools. （开头观点比较明确，不错）

The necessity of federal education department’s （不必要强调联邦吧，任何国家都是如此，不知美国，应该是个普适性的问题the necessity for a nation's education department to designate ...我自己不太喜欢用所有格的形式。）appointment of some so-called core courses for all students in elementary or secondary schools can be justified mainly in two aspects. （这里提到两方面，下面应该紧接着说这两方面吧，结果在7行之后才找到)Young children, characterized as immature owing to lack of enough intellectual equipment and life experience, always show a vague view of the black and white（黑白的和前面的vague有些重复，而且这里o用得太多，有些乱）, of the unknown future. Therefore, they are in an（可数吗？） urgent need of general guidance, both academically and morally. In fact, that is exactly what elementary or secondary schools should focus on. In the perspective of academics, some national compulsory courses provide children with basic knowledge and skills. For instance, pupils learn simple arithmetical principles and geometrical axioms by learning mathematics, which are regarded as essential capabilities for any literate. In addition, even if one may not choose this profound discipline as his or her major or career in the future, he or she 避免性别歧视will inherit a good habit of thinking logically and thoroughly, dealing with facts carefully and critically by studying mathematics, which is undoubtedly of great help in any specialization.

Moreover, we should notice the role that courses play in students’ moral phase, especially some liberal arts, which are originally designed to promote moral sensitivity. A case in point is history. History is always required as a compulsory discipline since primary school, for it usually acts as a passage to cultivate a citizen's patriotism, which is deemed priority in any country and admired as a virtue. Without an overview of one's motherland's past, how can we expect our young generation to appreciate her? Let alone to work together and devote oneself to her brilliant tomorrow. In other words, by offering such common curriculum, we try to create common bonds among youngsters, in spite of their increasingly diverse backgrounds, thus preserve social stability and unity.(这里作为一段和上面并列是不是有些太多了啊？这也就是两方面原因之一嘛，第一短你用了一半的篇幅铺垫，剩下的一般写了学术方面的原因，现在用整整一段来写道德因素，感觉结构不太合理，要不干脆分三段好了，呵呵）

However, since varieties do exist, it is judicious for federal education department to make the setting of subjects more flexible, that is, to grant local schools some degree of freedom to devise specific courses by taking into regional factors into account. Cultural consideration is a typical one. Maintaining individuality is crucial to every nation, every ethnic group, and every member, despite of the trend of globalization. A distinguishing example is the preservation of customs or traditions. As is known to all, there exist many ethnic groups (说美国还不如说中国，56 各民族，美国有多少啊？）in the United States and almost each possesses a unique culture, including language, beliefs, rituals, arts and so on. Just like the
UNESCO stated in its constitution, culture deserves conservation for the following generations as permanent treasure in human history. Hence, putting such issues into teaching plans seems an sound idea.

Furthermore, curriculum in most cases is subject to local conditions, such as financial, geographical, or climatic. On some occasions, it is such objective conditions that
cast limits on the range of course selection. For example, in some inland cities, there are no places for students to learn surfing. After all, it is unwise for government to invest large funds to “create” such facilities to cater to this “luxury” demand at the expense of a heavy budget burden. On the contrary, children living in coastal regions may be requested to master this skill, not only because of the splendid environment endowed by God, but also as an indispensable survival skill to some extent, when it comes to consider the frequency of storm or ever hurricane strikes to these regions. Therefore, local education department should arrange courses due to current resources. (这个例子行不行啊？写完猛然发现academic course这个东西。或许换成什么实验设备之类的会好点？)也许

In sum, since curriculum is critical to students, officials as well as educators should combine both general and specific considerations by insisting principles and granting freedom at the same time. After all, the ultimate goal education pursued is to make curriculum serve students best.

写得比较清楚，佩服楼主有这么多的话说，偶就没有，生搬硬造。不过里面都是长句子看得好累啊，应该长短结合，而且长句子也不要那么长，老外也不一定喜欢的，看起来麻烦。
另外楼主语法还是不错的，几乎没什么错误。
水平有限，如有不对之处还望海涵
感谢楼主对我的点评。

小玩UID: 2111777

呵呵，收到。其实偶也没想要写那么多那么长的句子，还是表达不过关，只知道那几种句型，又想表达清楚，只有多重几个了，就造成那种后果了：（看来还要多加修炼……

谢谢conquer0824，偶们时间差不多，大家多多互改！！

conquer0824UID: 2102638

好的，看你文章启发还是蛮大的，思路比较开阔，偶就不行了，总觉得没话说，我来这已经一段时间了，看着七月份的一天天成熟，马上就要结果实了，羡慕ing,一起努力把。

小玩UID: 2111777

偶还思路开阔啊？？可能这篇恰好有点话说吧。

就是觉得自己知道的东西太少了，见解也不深刻那种，看看别人写的简直没勇气写了。。。

共同努力吧：）

jeffu-uh-ohUID: 205335

我觉得楼主思路很明确，观点很清晰， 赞一个。

我7月28 号考试， 至今一篇文章未写，有点害怕。 只是泛泛地看了一些例文，觉得 Argument 还好写点， Issue 真的很棘手。

我想问的是，写文章的时候一定得扯到美国吗？ 比如，楼主的文章里提到多民族，是以美国为例。我们中国56个民族不好作为例子吗？

其实没什么，只是一点疑问。

小玩UID: 2111777

Originally posted by jeffu-uh-oh at 2005-6-27 20:36
我想问的是，写文章的时候一定得扯到美国吗？ 比如，楼主的文章里提到多民族，是以美国为例。我们中国56个民族不好作为例子吗？

啊~大家不要误会偶“数典忘祖”啊~确实是写一写的就忘了，就扯到那去了，偶还是很热爱祖国滴！！:) conquer0824一说才恍然大悟……为保持文章原始性就没改:L

偶也才写第一篇啊，没关系，有第一篇就有2.3.4.……N篇，AW就练出来了！

楼上的如果写了就留个链接，偶来改，互相帮助，互相学习，共同进步~

jeffu-uh-ohUID: 205335

啊~大家不要误会偶“数典忘祖”啊~确实是写一写的就忘了，就扯到那去了，偶还是很热爱祖国滴！

没有没有， 呵呵， 我的目的主要不是问这个。 我是想， 是不是以美国为例，或者说站在美国人的角度来写， 是不是会得更多分。 只是想想而已

jeffu-uh-ohUID: 205335

楼上的如果写了就留个链接，偶来改，互相帮助，互相学习，共同进步~

对于这个提议开心啊~~
对我来说，联想到一个例子还是相当大的困难的。 哎

小玩UID: 2111777

Originally posted by jeffu-uh-oh at 2005-6-27 21:36

对我来说，联想到一个例子还是相当大的困难的。 哎

me 2, me 2 ……前段时间一直在看，看人家写的，看范文，自己脑子里还是空白的。偶现在发现其实例子不在于多，在于精。可以重点抓几个名人出来，仔细研究，大大小小的事情怎么都可以和issue扯上点关系，真的。个人认为，这样准备起来也要稍微轻松点，而且也不容易被判雷同。

偶也是自觉性差，懒，不想动笔，好不容易才写了一篇出来哦。楼上的如果愿意，咱们就互相监督。有人监督总会好一点……

maggie1002UID: 205866

因为刚考过T，刚着手准备G，先弱弱地问个问题：T的作文对政治信仰很敏感，文章里一般都是避讳的。在G里还是这样的么？因为文章里提到As is known to all, there exist many ethnic groups in the United States and almost each possesses a unique culture, including language, beliefs, rituals, arts and so on.

还有文章中有 Furthermore, curriculum in most cases is subject to local conditions, such as financial, geographical, or climatic. 这里financial, geographical, or climatic是不是应该改为名词更好些？

最后一句中好象应该是the ultimate goal OF education pursued

另外因为第一次上论坛改作文，想问下前辈，怎么把字体该成其他颜色？我在写字板里改好是红色的，复制过来又变成黑色了。

我7.27考作文，今天才写了第一篇作文。大家一起努力！

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

题目
5. "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."


提纲：
1 需要一些课设置为相同的
2 要结合地方实际情况考虑

When it comes to selection of curriculum, I believe that it is necessary to pick out a list of core courses for all students before college level to study, with the concession that some freedom should also be given to local schools. 中立的观点

The necessity of federal education department’s appointment of some so-called core courses for all students in elementary or secondary schools can be justified mainly in two aspects. Young children, characterized as immature owing to lack of enough intellectual equipment and life experience, always show a vague view of the black and white, of the unknown future. Therefore, they are in an urgent need of general guidance, both academically and morally. In fact, that is exactly what elementary or secondary should focus on. In the perspective of academics, some national compulsory courses provide children with basic knowledge and skills. For instance, pupils learn simple arithmetical principles and geometrical axioms by learning mathematics, which are regarded as essential capabilities for any literate. In addition, even if one may not choose this profound discipline as his major or career in the future, he will inherit a good habit of thinking logically and thoroughly, dealing with facts carefully and critically by studying mathematics, which undoubtedly of great help in any specialization.
强调基础知识对孩子的重要性，论证没看出什么问题，表述上可以在普遍性方面增加一些分量
Moreover, we should notice the role that courses play in students’ moral phase, especially some liberal arts, which is originally designed to promote moral sensitivity. A case in point is history. History is always required as a compulsory discipline since primary school, for it usually acts as a passage to cultivate a citizen's patriotism, which is deemed priority in any country and admired as a virtue. Without an overview of one's motherland's past, how can we expect our young generation to appreciate her? Let alone to work together and devote oneself for her brilliant tomorrow. In other words, by offering such common curriculum, we try to create common bonds among youngsters, in spite of their increasingly diverse backgrounds, thus preserve social stability and unity.仍然在强调基础学科的重要，怎么觉得你是持支持性观点的呀，往下看，关于历史学习的论证很不错，让我想起曾看过的关于这方面的资料

However, since varieties do exist, it is judicious for federal education department to make the setting of subjects more flexible, that is, to grant local schools some degree of freedom to devise specific courses by taking into regional factors into account. Cultural consideration is a typical one. Maintaining individuality is crucial to every nation, every ethnic group, and every member, despite of the trend of globalization.怎么跟globalization扯上了呢？题目是说national哈，全球化还是算了，即使在一个国家里面也需要文化的多元化呀 A distinguishing example is the preservation of customs or traditions. As is known to all, there exist many ethnic groups in the United States and almost each possesses a unique culture, including language, beliefs, rituals, arts and so on. Just like the UNESCO stated in its constitution, culture deserves conservation for the following generations as permanent treasure in human history. Hence, putting such issues into teaching plans seems an sound idea. 美国的例子可以，但UNESCO毕竟是国际组织，跟national curriculum远了点，美国的例子可以展开来说

Furthermore, curriculum in most cases is subject to local conditions, such as financial, geographical, or climatic. On some occasions, it is such objective conditions that cast limits to the range of course selection. For example, in some inland cities, there are no places for students to learn surfing. After all, it is unwise for government to invest large funds to “create” such facilities to cater to this “luxury” demand at the expense of a heavy budget burden. On the contrary, children living in coastal regions may be requested to master this skill, not only because of the splendid environment endowed by God, but also as an indispensable survival skill to some extent, when it comes to consider the frequency of storm or ever hurricane strikes to these regions. Therefore, local education department should arrange courses due to current resources. (这个例子行不行啊？写完猛然发现academic course这个东西。或许换成什么实验设备之类的会好点？)教学条件受客观条件限制的观点很不错哈，比较original，我觉得重点还是文化多样性上

In sum, since curriculum is critical to students, officials as well as educators should combine both general and specific considerations by insisting principles and granting freedom at the same time. After all, the ultimate goal education pursued is to make curriculum serve students best.论证上的看法就这些了，语言没仔细看，但整体感觉不差，佩服一下楼主能够写出这么多字，我就算是不限制时间，也只能写500出头啊。加油！

jeffu-uh-ohUID: 205335

请求修改，咱互相监督啊~~

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

偶现在发现其实例子不在于多，在于精。可以重点抓几个名人出来，仔细研究，大大小小的事情怎么都可以和issue扯上点关系，真的。个人认为，这样准备起来也要稍微轻松点，而且也不容易被判雷同。

真佩服你。
我没有这方面的例子，可否给我们这方面的名人事迹的联接~让我们自己也来总结，互相受益。

小玩UID: 2111777

Originally posted by jeffu-uh-oh at 2005-6-28 17:15
请求修改，咱互相监督啊~~真佩服你。 我没有这方面的例子，可否给我们这方面的名人事迹的联接~让我们自己也来总结 ...

马上去改哈。至于例子，偶也才刚刚开始找呢，题目也没看完，连人家的名字都拼不来，很是郁闷哪。

staralwaysUID: 193479

5. "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."

提纲：
1.需要一些课设置为相同的。
2.要结合地方实际情况考虑。

When it comes to selection of curriculum, I believe that it is necessary to pick out a list of core courses for all students before college level to study [they enter the higher education phase], with the concession that some freedom should also be given to local schools. [开头提出观点很明确。不过正如你在文章后面的问题里提到的，只有一句观点句。开头可以对题目进行适当的展开和分析。]

The necessity of federal education department’s appointment of some so-called core courses for all students in elementary or secondary schools can be justified mainly in two aspects. [TS很明确。] Young children, characterized as immature owing to lack of enough intellectual equipment [equipment不太恰当吧。] and life experience, always show a vague view of the black and white, of the unknown future. Therefore, they are in an urgent need of general guidance, both academically and morally. In fact, that is exactly what elementary or secondary [education phases] should focus on. In the perspective of academics, some national compulsory courses provide children with basic knowledge and skills. For instance, pupils learn simple arithmetical principles and geometrical axioms by learning mathematics, which are regarded as essential capabilities for any literate. In addition, even if one may not choose this profound discipline as his major or career in the future, he will inherit a good habit of thinking logically and thoroughly, dealing with facts carefully and critically by studying mathematics, which undoubtedly of great help in any specialization. [整体写得比较流畅。]

Moreover, we should notice the role that courses play in students’ moral phase, especially some liberal arts, which is originally designed to promote moral sensitivity. A case in point is history. History is always required as a compulsory discipline since primary school, for it usually acts as a passage to cultivate a citizen's patriotism, which is deemed [as] priority in any country and admired as a virtue. Without an overview of one's motherland's past, how can we expect our young generation to appreciate her? Let alone to work together and devote oneself for her brilliant tomorrow. In other words, by offering such common curriculum, we try to create common bonds [这个词的意思好像不太对。] among youngsters, in spite of their increasingly diverse backgrounds, thus preserve social stability and unity.

However, since varieties do exist, it is judicious for federal education department to make the setting of subjects more flexible, that is, to grant local schools some degree of freedom to devise specific courses by taking into regional factors into account. Cultural consideration is a typical one. Maintaining individuality is crucial to every nation, every ethnic group, and every member, despite of the trend of globalization. A distinguishing example is the preservation of customs or traditions. As is known to all, there exist many ethnic groups in the United States and almost each possesses a unique culture, including language, beliefs, rituals, arts and so on. Just like the UNESCO stated in its constitution, culture deserves conservation for the following generations as permanent treasure in human history. Hence, putting such issues into teaching plans seems a sound idea.

Furthermore, curriculum in most cases is subject to local conditions, such as financial, geographical, or climatic. On some occasions, it is such objective conditions that cast limits to [on] the range of course selection. For example, in some inland cities, there are no places for students to learn surfing. After all, it is unwise for government to invest large funds to “create” such facilities to cater to this “luxury” demand at the expense of a heavy budget burden. On the contrary, children living in coastal regions may be requested to master this skill, not only because of the splendid environment endowed by God, but also as an indispensable survival skill to some extent, when it comes to consider the frequency of storm or ever hurricane strikes to these regions. Therefore, local education department should arrange courses due to current resources. (这个例子行不行啊？写完猛然发现academic course这个东西。或许换成什么实验设备之类的会好点？)[对例子的分析很好。个人感觉是有点不太恰当，实验设备之类的可以吧。]

In sum, since curriculum is critical to students, officials as well as educators should combine both general and specific considerations by insisting principles and granting freedom at the same time. After all, the ultimate goal education pursued is to make curriculum serve students best. [结尾可以再充实一点。]

全文很流畅，对于例子的分析和论述做得不错。不过有一点，感觉和curriculum的联系少了一点。

2 分段。偶的两大点都分两小层，不分似乎一段太长，分了感觉也怪怪的，怎么办？

我觉得一个主要的原因是你这篇文章写的比较全面，所以一个分论点很难在一段中说清楚。

3 语言、句型都属于比较低级的，还要多多积累，多多学习。有什么建议和方法啊？

觉得语言不错了，很流畅。我的观点一向是保持意思的清晰是最重要的。当然多积累的话，可以通过阅读来进行。