issue11全球性大学？

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

TOPIC: ISSUE11 - "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."
WORDS: 599         TIME: 上午 12:45:00         DATE: 2006-7-17

Should a global university be established, where the preeminent faculty, the excellent students, and the most advanced equipment from all nations settled within the free academic atmosphere to discuss, examine, research, and tend to address the most immediate social common problems worldwide? Granted the necessity and responsibility of the educational organization and the governments endeavoring to support the development of a global university, nevertheless, from the perspective of mine, our status in quo cannot guarantee a would-be worldwide university to function smoothly and achieve its effects. Besides, we might also resort to other manners designed to address the world's most persistent social problems as well.

To begin with, the allegation is on the philosophy side of the issue. The continual emergence of the persistent social problems disturbs, annoys, and even deters our humanity from developing. These social problems include the famine commonly existing in the third-world countries; the sexual as well as the racial discrimination even in the developed countries; the environmental problems attributed to the blind and excessive development of the science and technology; the warfare, the mores, the culture conflicts, and the list could be endless. Then, how should we face and eliminate them? Whether new problems would emerge while the old ones are being solved? Obviously, a global university can render the answers, and fulfill the tasks of clearing the persistent obstacles hindering our human race from progressing. But how? In the global university, our students gather to study the fundamental knowledge, discuss together, research together. During the holistic process, the values merges, the inspiration sparks, and the common efforts would achieve the expected effects, in case the interests as well as the diverse culture background could be conducted properly. In view of what I refer to above, theoretically speaking, all nations have the responsibility to help support the development of a global university.

However, after careful scrutiny of our most pressing social problems, combined with the culture diversity on the coming campus, we would find that the proposal is of little feasibility to a large extent. After all, our ongoing social problems are so diverse that they sometimes serve as the great menaces to a certain country, yet bringing some benefits to another country. Or an approach to a certain problem may sound good, yet it may trespass the taboo of some religions. This complexity behind these problems may be contributed to the diverse values, cultures, as well as the different historical evolutions. Consider the environmental problems, despite the threats to our human beings as a whole, some under-developed nations cannot help but continue the immoral conduct which deteriorate the environment to feed the hungry, and fund the treasury. The developed countries would say a would-be tourism in the area can better support the economic development, compared to deforestation, mass exaction of limited energy, or extensive industrialization. But the poor in the country need nothing more than the food, without which they could not survival, no to mention breathing the clean air, the enjoy the landscape. The conditions of countries are so different that a common belief, approach or goal cannot be attained merely through establishing a global university.

Nevertheless, we all nations could resort to other manners in forms of cooperation, in an attempt to address the persistent social problems. And these manners include the research center in the university, which endeavors to focus on the most pressing problems, based on the worldwide cooperation; the governmental collaboration based on the common interests; and some worldwide charities instilling the funds and other fashions of help to the nations in need. And indeed, our universities throughout the world are beginning to be aware of the duty and to establish the researching centers designed to addressing the problems. Besides, seminars targeted at these persistent problems are organized termly in nearly every well-performed university. For instance, the Princeton holding the seminar regarding the astonishing threats the terrorism has brought to the holistic world, and discussing the functions the mass media has played in this man-made disaster. Thus, aside from the so-called university, other more feasible approaches could achieve the same effects more easily and smoothly.

Simply put, from a theoretical angle, building a global university addressing the social persistent problems should act as the responsibility of all nations. However, in view of the feasibility and complexity of the duty, far more ways could better substitute for the global university and achieve the expected effects.

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

up

jallineUID: 2192970

Should a global university be established, where the preeminent faculty, the excellent students, and the most advanced equipment from all nations settled within the free academic atmosphere to discuss, examine, research, and tend to address the most immediate social common problems worldwide? Granted the necessity and responsibility of the educational organization and the governments endeavoring to support the development of a global university, nevertheless, from the perspective of mine, our status in quo cannot guarantee a would-be worldwide university to function smoothly and achieve its effects. Besides, we might also resort to other manners designed to address the world's most persistent social problems as well.

To begin with, the allegation is on the philosophy side of the issue. The continual emergence of the persistent social problems disturbs, annoys, and even deters our humanity from developing. These social problems include the famine commonly existing in the third-world countries; the sexual as well as the racial discrimination even in the developed countries; the environmental problems attributed to the blind and excessive development of the science and technology; the warfare, the mores, the culture conflicts, and the list could be endless. Then, how should we face and eliminate them? Whether new problems would emerge while the old ones are being solved? Obviously, a global university can render the answers, and fulfill the tasks of clearing the persistent obstacles hindering our human race from progressing. But how? In the global university, our students gather to study the fundamental knowledge, discuss together, research together.[我觉得对全球性大学比之普通大学的优越性强调的不是很充分,这里列举的普通大学也都能做到]During the holistic process, the values merges, the inspiration sparks, and the common efforts would achieve the expected effects, in case the interests as well as the diverse culture background could be conducted properly. [不错]In view of what I refer to above, theoretically speaking, all nations have the responsibility to help support the development of a global university.

However, after careful scrutiny of our most pressing social problems, combined with the culture diversity on the coming campus, we would find that the proposal is of little feasibility to a large extent. After all, our ongoing social problems are so diverse that they sometimes serve as the great menaces to a certain country, yet bringing some benefits to another country. Or an approach to a certain problem may sound good, yet it may trespass the taboo of some religions. This complexity behind these problems may be contributed to the diverse values, cultures, as well as the different historical evolutions. Consider the environmental problems, despite the threats to our human beings as a whole, some under-developed nations cannot help but continue the immoral conduct which deteriorates the environment to feed the hungry, and fund the treasury. The developed countries would say a would-be tourism in the area can better support the economic development, compared to deforestation, mass exaction of limited energy, or extensive industrialization. But the poor in the country need nothing more than the food, without which they could not survival, no to mention breathing the clean air, the enjoy[enjoying] the landscape.[不错~] The conditions of countries are so different that a common belief, approach or goal cannot be attained merely through establishing a global university.

Nevertheless, we all nations could resort to other manners in forms of cooperation, in an attempt to address the persistent social problems. And these manners include the research center in the university, which endeavors to focus on the most pressing problems, based on the worldwide cooperation; the governmental collaboration based on the common interests; and some worldwide charities instilling the funds and other fashions of help to the nations in need. And indeed, our universities throughout the world are beginning to be aware of the duty and to establish the researching centers designed to addressing the problems. Besides, seminars targeted at these persistent problems are organized termly in nearly every well-performed university. For instance, the Princeton holding the seminar regarding the astonishing threats the terrorism has brought to the holistic world, and discussing the functions the mass media has played in this man-made disaster. Thus, aside from the so-called [global] university, other more feasible approaches could achieve the same effects more easily and smoothly.

Simply put, from a theoretical angle, building a global university addressing the social persistent problems should act as the responsibility of all nations. However, in view of the feasibility and complexity of the duty, far more ways could better substitute for the global university and achieve the expected effects.

其实我是学习的眼光来看你的这篇文章的, 思路很清晰, 句式,用词也很丰富
逻辑层次应该是我看过的文章里面最好的, 很多地方都值得我学习.
目前水平所限, 提不出太多修改意见, 不好意思: )
我觉得至少能拿5分, 你可以找嘉斑竹帮你看看.

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

哈，很谢谢jalline!意见很重肯！要是需要的话，把你的链接给我，我帮你看看～我每天都在等十点强楼那个帖子，可是从来没抢上，让嘉斑竹改比登天还难啊！

jallineUID: 2192970

那就麻烦你了：）
和dicmi一个组的，也是issue161 舆论毁英雄
自己有改过一遍了，你在那篇的基础上改吧，谢谢
觉得自己对怎么样分析例子， 像你说的，怎么往TS上拉， 还不是很有思路...

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1768846490

[ 本帖最后由 jalline 于 2006-7-20 13:49 编辑 ]

dicmiUID: 183392

占座了~~

TOPIC: ISSUE11 - "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."
WORDS: 599         TIME: 上午 12:45:00         DATE: 2006-7-17

Should a global university be established, where the preeminent faculty, the excellent students, and the most advanced equipment from all nations settled[前面三个是主语么？那么settle 前面要加are吧~] within the free academic atmosphere to discuss, examine, research, and tend to address the most immediate social common problems worldwide? Granted the necessity and responsibility of the educational organization and the governments[‘] endeavoring[不可以直接用endeavor么？] to support the development of a global university, nevertheless, from the perspective of mine, our status in quo[？没有查到什么意思呢~~] cannot guarantee a would-be worldwide university to function smoothly and achieve its effects. Besides, we might also resort to other manners designed to address the world's most persistent social problems as well.[个人觉得，besides这句可以不要了。你提出了观点之后。用了Besides感觉有点多。虽然我知道你是想把让步也在主题句里面表示出来，但是单独用一个句子有点喧宾夺主的感觉，可以考虑下用个短语，或者干脆不用。并不是所有的让步都要在TS里面表示出来的]

To begin with, the allegation is on the philosophy side of the issue[sigh~这句话不懂了]. The continual emergence of the persistent social problems disturbs, annoys, and even[赞~~] deters our humanity from developing. These social problems include the famine commonly existing in the third-world countries; the sexual as well as the racial discrimination even in the developed countries; the environmental problems attributed to the blind and excessive development of the science and technology; the warfare, the mores, the culture conflicts, and the list could be endless. Then, how should we face and eliminate[消除么？还是解决好吧？solve / deal with] them? Whether new problems would emerge while the old ones are being solved? Obviously, a global university can render[render 在这里什么意思额~~] the answers, and fulfill the tasks of clearing the persistent obstacles hindering our human race from progressing[hindering 后面部分建议去掉哈。感觉多了。赫赫]. But how? [现在开始转入global university的好处，是不是前面关于紧迫问题的描述多了一点呢？我觉得写好处该是主要的]In the global university, our students gather to study the fundamental knowledge, discuss together, research together. During the holistic[学习。=whole吧？] process, the values merges[我不确定这种短语结构是否正确，能告诉我下不？], the inspiration sparks, and the common efforts would achieve the expected effects, in case the interests as well as the diverse culture background could be conducted properly. In view of what I refer to above, theoretically speaking, all nations have the responsibility [还有necessary] to help support the development of a global university.

However, after careful scrutiny of our most pressing social problems, combined with the culture diversity on the coming campus, we would find that the proposal is of little feasibility to a large extent. After all, our ongoing social problems are so diverse that they sometimes serve as the great menaces to a certain country, yet bringing[如果是并列结构，为什么不是bring呢？] some benefits to another country. Or an approach to a certain problem may sound good, yet it may trespass the taboo of some religions. This complexity behind these problems may be contributed [attributed吧？这种复杂性因归结于。。。] to the diverse values, cultures, as well as the different historical evolutions. Consider the environmental problems, despite the threats to our human beings as a whole, some under-developed nations cannot help but continue the immoral conduct which deteriorate the environment to feed the hungry, and fund the treasury. The developed countries would say a would-be tourism in the area can better support the economic development, compared to deforestation, mass exaction of limited energy, or extensive industrialization. But the poor in the country need nothing more than the food, without which they could not survival[survive], no[not] to mention breathing the clean air, the enjoy[去掉the enjoying] the landscape. The conditions of countries are so different that a common belief, approach or goal cannot be attained merely through establishing a global university.

Nevertheless[转折么？那个全球性大学办不成，所以怎么办呢？可以有别的办法。偶认为是递进，至少是并列吧。不然全文三个TS，两个转折词开头，是不是很晕？], we all nations could resort to other manners in forms of cooperation, in an attempt [in an attempt删掉吧~~，直接接to也可以表示一样的意思啦。你说呢？] to address the persistent social problems. And these manners include the research center in the university, which endeavors to focus on the most pressing problems, based on the worldwide cooperation; the governmental collaboration based on the common interests [这句改为international collaboration based on governments’ common interests 好不好？参考~~ ]; and some worldwide charities instilling[为什么是ing形式] the funds and other fashions of help to the nations in need. And[太多and了，上面一句话也是and噢] indeed, our universities throughout the world are beginning to be aware of the duty and to establish the researching centers designed to addressing the problems. Besides, seminars targeted[是被动语态么？targeting吧？主动吧，我觉得~~] at these persistent problems are organized termly[？] in nearly every well-performed university. For instance, the Princeton holding the seminar regarding the astonishing threats [from] the terrorism has brought to the holistic world, anddiscussing the functions the mass media has played in this man-made disaster.[后半句不明白沙意思捏~] Thus, aside from the so-called university, other more feasible approaches could achieve the same effects more easily and smoothly.

Simply put, from a theoretical angle, building a global university addressing the social persistent problems should act as the responsibility of all nations. However, in view of the feasibility and complexity of the duty, far more  ways could better substitute for the global university and achieve the expected effects. [结尾不错~]

[语言很好：）但是觉得一点，长句是不是用的太多了？用了不少不常见的词，赫赫。好坏我说不来，你要是有词汇量，当然很好吧。I think
段内论证比较清楚的。段间的就是刚才我所说的第三段。讨论下吧~~]

[ 本帖最后由 dicmi 于 2006-7-20 18:39 编辑 ]

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

Thanx dicmi! 说得很有道理，发现了很多我平时不易察觉问题
第三段那个转折的确大煞风景，文中还有许多多余的词，我说怎么写了这么多～