ISSUE207 必回拍。同志们杀啊

skaterUID：2116878

Issue207  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：95分56秒     352 words
从2005年6月20日22时43分到2005年6月21日0时95分
------题目------
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
------正文------
   Along the development of the human beings , ritual and ceremonies which  as a part of lives and essence of thoughts of people, play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people. However, since our human beings has a history of thousands of years,  the culture is in some extent mature. It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.
   Rituals and ceremonies may originated some adoration to some jennies or the totems of a distinct group of people. In ancient times, divided by geographical factor, every group of people may construct a distinct system of the language, the communication and the decorum and so on. When they feel puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal to the preternatural powers and use their own way that distinguished them to another group to immolate and sacrifice. Thus, the rituals and ceremonies is reasonable to be part of culture supported by other aspect.  Besides influence of the religion, rituals and ceremonies that make individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, a installment of president or a funeral of the important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the rituals and ceremonies has solid connection to the cultures, that is, the two helped defining a culture.
   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are only parts of cultures, which cannot decisively influence the feel of people relation to the identity. First, when you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs. What impressed you deeply is the culture which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why? Because the art, the behavior, the language, the vogue is developing parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared ,such as ritual and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originated at the same time. However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. With the highly developing  techniques, the facile connection such as the computer and the IP phone  made us a integrity ever than before. And the transportation that is highly convenient give the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They imitate, they absorbed, then with their own back ground, a new kind of culture that mingled with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-born mixed culture. So we cannot obtain the conclusion whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only ascribed to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies.
    In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped define a culture, which distinguished a group of people from another. However, sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished, since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way.

skaterUID：2116878

hustzwjUID：203387

是啊!今天大家都很辛苦!  
Good night!
要休息了!身体是革命的本钱!呵呵!
明天继续加油啊!

tangjihedeUID：2107695

Along the development of the human beings , rituals and ceremonies which  as a part of lives 生活可以这么用么？and essence of thoughts of别扭, play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people. However, since ourwe human beings hashave a history of thousands of years,  the culture is in some extent mature. It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.最后一句和前面的内容意义不同，最好用转折连接词过渡一下
   Rituals and ceremonies may originatedd some adoration to some jennies请教一下，这个词是什么意思？ or the不需要the吧 totems of a distinct group of people. In ancient times, divided by geographical factors？, every group of people may construct a distinct system of thethe？ language, the communication ？和language不同么？可以换成custom。。之类的and the decorum and so on要么去掉前面一个and，要么把and so on改成etc。. When they feelfelt下文是不是一律用过去时呢？ puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal to the preternatural powers and use their own way that distinguished them to fromanother group to immolate and sacrifice这两个词义是不是重复呢. Thus, the rituals and ceremonies isare？ reasonable to be part of culture supported by other aspects.  Besides influence of the religion, rituals and ceremonies that make individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, an installment of president ？？？？什么意思？or a funeral of thean important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the去掉the rituals and ceremonies has solid connection to the culturess？, that is, the two helped helps or help？defining a culture.
   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are 你有时用are有时用is，统一一下，还有，一律不用加theonly parts 前面用的是part，统一。of cultures, which cannot decisively influence the feel feeling？of people relationrelated to the theiridentity. 建议句子结构调整：although，。。。这样和上面的关系更密切，线索更清晰 First, when you不推荐用you，以后可以考虑用别的方式避免出现you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, his or her background并且去掉逗号not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs. What impressed you deeply is the culture which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why? Because the art, the behavior, the language, the vogue is developinged？ parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared ,such as rituals and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originatedd at the same time. 这句话结构不清楚。第二个some前加while。另外，Rituals and C 前至少加some   读者可以这么反驳你，的确，一部分rituals消失了，但是同样，许多art也消失了。很可能剩下的那部分rituals可以帮我们产生认同感。另外，你说给人印象最深刻的是语言等等而非rituals，似乎也缺乏根据。Rituals同样跟人非常深的印象，比如巴西的狂欢节游行，祭祀孔子的大典。。。However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. why？ With the highly developing  techniquestechnologies昨天刚学的。, the facile connections？ such as the computer改成internet and the IP phonemobile phones吧，更时髦一点儿  mademake us a closeintegrity ever than before. And the transportation thatwhich？没理由，语感，虽然我的语感是靠不住的…… is highly convenient gives the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They imitate, they absorbed前后时态, then with their own back groundno space, a new kind of culture that mingled时态 with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-bornnewly－born？ mixed culture. So we cannot obtain the conclusion whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only byascribeding to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies. 我感觉这段的论述比较薄弱。首先，你没有讨论who they are说的是什么，一个人通过什么来自我认同。题目的两句话我认为暗含着这样一种关系：仪式有助于界定文化，而文化给我们认同感。你似乎没有讨论文化和认同之间的关系。如果你不认同这个分析，我觉得至少你应该提到自我认同的问题。第二，我觉得你的论述有些空泛，比如你论述现代社会文化融合会产生新文化，人们会不会在这种新文化中迷失自我呢？“The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-bornnewly－born？ mixed culture.”，好，but how？我觉得写issue的考官会更愿意看对一个观点的展开，用例子、用逻辑，用尽可能具体的东西来支持，而不是一笔带过，说“人们会怎么样”。
    In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped为什么用完成时？ define a culture, which distinguished 时态a group of people from another. However, 如果这么连接，那么the conclusion 就是rituals的确有助于界定文化了。我觉得可以说，although。。改成一句话。sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished, since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way.我对你最后一段话以及全文逻辑的理解：rituals有助于定义文化，但失去了rituals不一定导致自我认同的丧失。因为文化的其他部分和新融合的文化可以完成这一点。你说文化的其他部分可以让我们有自我认同，很好，这应该是你对speaker的主要反驳之处，但我觉得你展开的不够。你可以给出一些例子或具体的论证文化的其他部分是怎么让我们产生认同的。比如你提到Art，language，那这些是怎么让我们有认同的呢？而另一点，你提到的“新融合的文化”，在逻辑上和“文化的其他部分”是不能并列的。考官可以问你，“新融合的文化”可以让人们产生自我认同，那么，是新文化中的rituals做到的这一点，还是其他部分做到的呢？而这正是题目让你论述的。

你的用词真的好丰富，崇拜ing。。。不知道我提的这些结构上的问题是不是误会了你的意思。这些天主要在看argument，所以看什么东西都太挑剔了。Issue不用像arg那么讲逻辑的。不过从刚开始起点高一些，最后收效也更好一些。你去狠狠拍我的那篇吧。

加油！

skaterUID：2116878

Originally posted by tangjihede at 2005-7-21 09:53
Along the development of the human beings , rituals and ceremonies which  as a part of lives 生活可以这么用么？and essence of thoughts of别扭[/co ...

看到了，正用力拍你的，再加劲！！太感谢ING~~

[ Last edited by skater on 2005-7-21 at 16:28 ]

alcestisUID：2101945

这两天有点忙 回头周五晚上争取拍你的哈哈

skaterUID：2116878

Originally posted by alcestis at 2005-7-21 17:38
这两天有点忙 回头周五晚上争取拍你的哈哈

不急哈哈。有要改的直接发过来

逗逗UID：173558

Along the development of the human beings , ritual and ceremonies which（是不是差个动词，或者不要which?）  as a part of lives and essence of thoughts of people, play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people. However, since our human beings has a history of thousands of years,  the culture is in some extent mature(这个表达有点别扭). It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.
   Rituals and ceremonies may originated some adoration to some jennies or the totems of a distinct group of people. In ancient times, divided by geographical factor, every group of people may construct a distinct system of the language, the communication and the decorum and so on. When they feel puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal to the preternatural powers （偶认为这反而是仪式和庆典不用于人们自我定位的一方面）and use their own way that distinguished them to another group to immolate and sacrifice. Thus, the rituals and ceremonies is reasonable to be part of culture supported by other aspect.  Besides influence of the religion, rituals and ceremonies that make individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, a installment of president or a funeral of the important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the rituals and ceremonies has solid connection to the cultures, that is, the two helped defining a culture.
   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are only parts of cultures, which cannot decisively influence the feel of people relation to the identity（这个表达好象有点问题）. First,（以为有二个分论点，没有找到层次不清楚啊） when you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs. What impressed you deeply is the culture which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why?（这里似乎没有什么因果关系，因为艺术-----和人类历史同步发展，给我们印象最深的就是不同于我们文化的其它文化？） Because the art, the behavior, the language, the vogue is developing parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared ,such as ritual and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originated at the same time. However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. With the highly developing  techniques, the facile connection such as the computer and the IP phone  made us a integrity ever than before. And the transportation that is highly convenient give the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They imitate, they absorbed, then with their own back ground, a new kind of culture that mingled with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-born mixed culture. So we cannot obtain the conclusion whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only ascribed to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies.（看晕了。感觉论述的有点散。新文化的融入与人们自我定位之间的关系没有说清楚）   
In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped define a culture, which distinguished a group of people from another. However, sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished, since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way.
我水平有限,看的不太懂,今天我自己也写的很失败,没有什么建设性的意见
语言方面有的表达不是很地道的说,读的有点晕.还是再多想想

hustzwjUID：203387

------题目------
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
------正文------
   (you’d better add “I agree with the speaker that”)Along the development of the human beings , ritual and ceremonies which(grammar mistake, delete ‘which’) as a part of lives and essence of thoughts of people, play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people. However, since our human beings has a history of thousands of years(“with thousands of years’ history of human beings”),  the culture is in(for the second time, you mistakenly use ‘in’, it should be ’to’ instead) some extent mature (nearly in every people in the world). (Therefore)It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.
   Rituals and ceremonies may originated (might originate from) some (delete ‘some’) adoration to some jennies(The female of certain animals, especially the donkey and the wren.雌性动物：雌性动物，尤指驴和鹪鹩)(是这个意思吗?by the way,这个也可以作为崇拜的对象??我不是很了解!) or the totems of a distinct group of people. (可以看作是culture的第一个方面吗?-----即语言＆文字等)In ancient times, divided by geographical factor, every group of people may (might) construct a distinct system of the language, the communication and the decorum and so on (a system of language, way to communicate, decorum and so on). (Besides), (可以看作是culture的第二个方面吗?)When they feel(feeling) puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal(appealed) to the preternatural powers and use their own way that distinguished them to another group to immolate and sacrifice(我觉得有点自相矛盾了, 既然已经说由于地理原因而分开了, 就无” distinguished them to another group”)(改为and used their own special way to express this kind of feelings更好些!). Thus, the rituals and ceremonies is reasonable to be part of (one people’s distinct) culture supported by other aspect (?去掉如何?). (这一段主要在讲文化的特殊性,is that right?)
(我觉得另启一段会更好些^_^) Besides, more or less under the influence of the religion(因为ritual and ceremony不一定与religion有关吧?), rituals and ceremonies that make(s) individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, a installment of president or a funeral of the important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the rituals and ceremonies has solid connection to the cultures, that is, the two helped defining a culture.(你的本意, 如果没猜错的话, 是要分两个方面来论证ritual and ceremony could help define a culture which is distinct to others,但是我觉得完全可以改为: 论证culture让人有一种民族的归属感, 既然你已经提到feel festive, solemn,)
   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are only parts of cultures, which cannot decisively(exclusively) influence the feel of people relation to the identity(as well as their identities 猜对否?). First, when you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs (to). What impressed you deeply(换为most, ok?) is the culture which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why? Because the art(感觉有些像托福的style,^_^), the behavior, the language, the vogue is developing parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared , such as ritual and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originated at the same time.(我觉得这段可以用一句话代替: First, when you meet a person, you could perceive his/her cultural background with more intrinsic aspects like his/her manner, accent or even loved art or vogue than ritual and ceremonies which could not indicate their cultural uniqueness )
(完全是另外一个方面, 故另启一段)However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. With the highly developing  techniques(technology), the facile(good!^_^) connection such as the computer and the IP phone  made us an integrity ever than before. And the transportation that is highly convenient gives the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They may imitate, absorb, then with their own back ground, (form) a new kind of culture that mingle with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-born mixed culture. So we cannot obtain the conclusion (注意了, 越来越像argument了! 这可是个大问题啊!!)(我觉得这里可以直接提出自己的观点: they could not get the diminished sense of who they are. GRE需要自己的确定的观点,而不是模糊不清的观点! 不知对不对,有待讨论!^_^) whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only ascribed to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies.(??)
    In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped define a culture, which distinguished a group of people from another. However, sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished, since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way.

hustzwjUID：203387

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=304213
这是同题目的我的拙作,欢迎拍钻(diamond^_^).大家共同进步,呵呵!

[ Last edited by hustzwj on 2005-7-22 at 11:09 ]

ardorousUID：2115432

Along the development of the human beings , ritual and ceremonies which（这里为什么要用which 后没有完整句）  as a part of lives and essence of thoughts of people,（不要连用两个of吧,改一下，as a part of lives and, essentially, thoughts of people）  play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people.(怎么又是两个of 呢) However, since our human beings has a history（ of去掉） thousands of years,  the culture is in some extent mature. It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.（这个questionable 太不好了，不是要一个可疑的答案的。作文要直接表达自己的观点，清晰）

   Rituals and ceremonies may originated （from）some adoration to some jennies or the totems of a distinct group of people.(那么好的例子和定义这样写糟蹋了，from the adoration to some jennies, an admiration to the totem, from a group of people还可以加动词让它更漂亮)  In ancient times, divided by geographical factor, every group of people may construct a distinct system of the language, the communication and the decorum and so on.（language and decorum还可放到culture 的层面上，communication 怎么能呢） When they feel puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal to the preternatural powers and use their own way that distinguished them to another group to immolate and sacrifice.（两个词一个是vt.and the other vi.）  Thus, the rituals and ceremonies is reasonable to be part of culture supported by other aspect(s).  Besides influence of the religion, rituals and ceremonies that make individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, a installment of president or a funeral of the important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the rituals and ceremonies has(have) solid connection to the cultures, that is, the two helped defining a culture.(有 connection 就help defining 吗)

   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are only parts of cultures, which cannot decisively influence the feel of people relation（related） to the identity. First, when you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs. What impressed you deeply is the culture  which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why?(要完整句，非口语的) Because the art, the behavior, the language, the vogue is developing parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared ,such as ritual and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originated at the same time. However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. With the highly developing  techniques, the facile connection such as the computer and the IP phone  made us a integrity ever than before. And the transportation that is highly convenient give(s) the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They imitate, they absorbed, then with their own background, a new kind of culture that mingled with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-born mixed culture. So we cannot obtain the conclusion whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only ascribed to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies.(这一段观点还算清晰，一个建议，每个例子后一小结)

    In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped define a culture, which distinguished a group of people from another. However, sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished, since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way
看完了，比我有发展前途，语言多变，但也有个问题，用词有些有问题，语法也要注意

alcestisUID：2101945

Along the development of the human beings , ritual and ceremonies which  as a part of lives and essence of thoughts of people, play an important role in helping define the culture of a society or a group of people. However, since our human beings has a history of thousands of years,  the culture is in some extent mature. It is questionable that the disappearance of some rituals and ceremonies would diminish the sense of who they are.
   Rituals and ceremonies may originated some adoration to some jennies or the totems of a distinct group of people. 还是要把中心句在一开头摆明In ancient times, divided by geographical factor, every group of people may construct a distinct system of the language, the communication and the decorum and so on. 这句话的用意是什么？有点偏离本段中心 When they feel puzzled at some unexplainable phenomena, they appeal to the preternatural powers and use their own way that distinguished them to another group to immolate and sacrifice. Thus, the rituals and ceremonies is reasonable to be part of culture supported by other aspect.中心句？  Besides influence of the religion, rituals and ceremonies that make individuals feel festive, solemn, or even sorrow may be a celebration to a unique of conquer, a installment of president or a funeral of the important individual. The form of every ritual or ceremony would vary itself from another through the language, the art form or the people's feeling. So the rituals and ceremonies has solid connection to the cultures, that is, the two helped defining a culture.结构有点乱
   To my point of view above, the rituals and ceremonies are only parts of cultures, which cannot decisively influence the feel of people relation to the identity. First,second？在哪？ when you meet a person, you perceive the background of him or her, not only by the rituals and ceremonies that held by the group he or she belongs. What impressed you deeply is the culture which as a whole differentiated from yours. Why? Because the art, the behavior, the language, the vogue is developing parallel to the history of human beings. Some unique symbols of culture disappeared ,such as ritual and ceremonies , some other signs that would indicate their unique would originated at the same time. However, we have not obtained the concept that whether the sense of who they are would be diminished. With the highly developing  techniques, the facile connection such as the computer and the IP phone  made us a integrity ever than before. And the transportation that is highly convenient give the possibility to observe and understand a series of various cultures. It is the nature of people to be curious of different cultures. They imitate, they absorbed, then with their own back ground, a new kind of culture that mingled with another engendered. The people would feel even more distinctive to other groups of people with new-born mixed culture. 为什么？So we cannot obtain the conclusion whether the group of people will get diminished sense of who they are only ascribed to the disappearance of rituals and ceremonies.
    In sum, we can reach the conclusion that the rituals and ceremonies have in fact helped define a culture, which distinguished a group of people from another. However, sense of who they are is doubtfully diminished,  since the other parts of culture and burgeon of new and mixed culture influence the sense as the same way.

大结构清楚
但我感觉你的body段论证时好像扯得有点远了，太发散了些，从例子到论证，每一句话都要明确的指向中心句阿