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As the speaker of the statement [简洁起见可以删掉,因为都知道的,不过如果是想积累字数,那么就另当别论了^_^] showed, the purpose of education is to make students feeling free to question and criticize. I cannot agree it anymore [这里有点绝对] , though, it is only one side of the coin. And I also doubt the conclusion that education cannot promote social harmony. 立场的提出感觉有些主观啊~~稍微柔和一点
To begin with, we should make sure the meaning of the critical word--education. Students are educated with not only the knowledge in books but also the way to be people. [嗯,这点提得很好] That is why we always learn the variety of courses from different areas [看看这样写好不好:learn various courses in different areas]. Moreover, I hold the belief that student can make them recognize the essential of the knowledge only by deep meditation. And students' questions and critics are reflection of their thinking activities. During the process of finding answers, they would understand their disadvantages or misunderstanding of some knowledge. In that way, they can get a progress. [这一块的条理也挺好啊] And some people may even overturn the original theories and establish some new ideas that would contribute to the whole society. [这里的跳转太快了,而且经不起置疑:推翻了原有理论创立了新的体系不正是题目上所说的,对于社会的稳定不起积极作用嘛,所有再补充说明一下,有了新理论的创立,社会发展了, 对于稳定会有积极作用,可能后面的therefore更有说服力一些吧] Therefore questioning and criticizing are always welcome during people absorbing some knowledge.
Even so, however, excessive critics would make people cynical and it may probably destroy the social harmony in some degree. Fortunately, as mentioned above, to criticize is not the only purpose of education. Teaching people to be people is the other side of this coin—this side can greatly decrease the possibility of such cases happened. That is why we should learn courses about social sciences and humanities besides natural sciences. History tells us a myriad of stories of charismatic individuals which let us know some necessary virtues to be successful; politics shows us the different cultures and society systems of different nations which promote the understanding between our nation and others; art classes—that is, music and painting—make us gradually understand people's mind and get close to the nature. [排比不错] We also learn how to communicate with each other and be more self-discipline. Thus, there would be more harmony in different people.这一段写得有点乱,跟提纲中提出的"2.尽管存在过度质疑的带来缺点,但是教育的特征又在某种程度上减少了这种可能"有些脱节,首先,没有具体阐述过渡质疑带来的缺点,只是一笔带过,这样就不深入,第二,后面的论述跳跃性太大了,感觉一步一步,慢慢地说会好很多
加一个过渡性的词句The speaker also mentioned that education plays a little role in promoting social harmony. I do not believe so either. [这里应该提这一段的TS,因为这句话已经在首段提出过了,有点赘述] When it comes to social harmony, two aspects are included. When we stand in the microcosmic point, it refers to the harmony between distinctive nations and distinctive people. As my demonstration showed above, it is just the education greatly promotes this kind [of] harmony. When we stand in the macrocosmic point, it refers to the harmony between the government and its citizens—the harmony of the policies and the attitude of the citizens. [从两个角度阐述了社会稳定,很好] This is mostly depended on the society [social] system—democracy in that everybody has the right to speak up his or her discontent with [to or with] the society and his or her opinions to improve the society. Therefore, it is not the fault of education even when the society is discord. [因果关系不足,从本段开始到现在没有提到过education何以下结论说"即使社会不和谐也不是education的错"?] On the contrary, I profoundly hold the belief that education is also a key factor to promote social harmony. Education can change people conservative mind and make people understand the truth of some phenomenon. For instance, people would understand the increasing of tax rate properly may not be a bad news. It is just a way for government to collect money in order to promote the overall well-being of the society. Hence, they would be willing to support rather against it. If they cannot understand, they are sure to protest it, how can a society be harmony like that?缴纳税款和教育有什么关系?难道是通过教育让人们认识到提高税收是一件好事吗?感觉这个例子有点薄弱的说
Accordingly, I hold the belief that it is a good sign of education if students enjoy asking questions and making critics. And the harmony in one society is not only depend on the society system but education as well.
嗯,全文的用词还是很好的,就是条理有待改善啊~~
比如,在B3从宏观和微观方面对社会和谐作了定义是非常好的,但是能不能考虑把它放到前面去呢?因为通篇都是讨论这个问题,所以越往前,越能把握住全文的思路,方向.
拍的有点狠了,有什么可以讨论的,咱们继续,一起进步啊~~:handshake |
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