[11.27] 作业 appearance

line126UID: 2556583

Appearance, including looks and dresses, is occupying an increasing status in modern world, which is suggested as a key element to success by the surrounding magazines and advertisements. However, regardless of the misleading information coming from media, of which the main aim is to sale products, it is good ideas that guide people to success.

First, appearance is a transient thing when referring to success; we usually mean a permanent one. While the looks may disappear as time flies, luckily the thoughts may stay and grows up all the time. Looks will decide the fist impression of people, but considering that the bridge of success is usually built by the people who work with us everyday; abilities of creation decide the acme of your career. For example, in job hunting, although fitted suits or gorgeous dresses may be a quick access to grasp people's eyeballs, having the creative ideas is the critical reason why employers hire people.

Indeed, appearance plays a role in success, however, it is a smaller one. There are a great amount of people who reach their goals with plain or even unsightly looks while countless beautiful people die in poverty and obscurity. A good idea can change your life in a moment, like personal computers for Bill Gates or the invention of electrical light for Thomas Edison.

To sum up, the appearance may open the door to success for you, but the unique thought in your mind is the real propellant to lead you to your resplendence. It is the brilliant thoughts that provide us with uncounted inventions, paintings, songs and poems.

asandylauUID: 2649369

Appearance, including looks and dresses, is occupying(playing) an increasing status(role) in modern world, which is suggested(considered) as a key element to (加be)success by the surrounding magazines and advertisements. However, regardless of the misleading information coming from media, of （去掉of）which（改为that） the（改为its） main aim is to sale products, it is good ideas that guide people to success.（这句没有表达清楚）

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First, appearance is a transient thing when referring to success; we usually mean a permanent one. While the looks may disappear as time flies, luckily （逻辑不对，不要lickily）the thoughts may stay and grows up all the time. Looks will decide the fist impression of people, but considering that the bridge of success is usually built by the people who work with us everyday; abilities of creation decide the acme of your career（这句好多词不对，表达不太清晰）. For example, in job hunting, although fitted suits or gorgeous dresses may be a quick access to grasp people's eyeballs, having the creative ideas is the critical reason why employers hire people.

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Indeed(不要，逻辑不对，强调的不是它), appearance plays a role in success, however, it is a smaller one. There are a great amount of people who reach their goals with plain or even unsightly looks while countless beautiful people die in poverty and obscurity（去掉obscurity，意义不对）. A good idea can change your life in a moment（太夸张了，就算是，后面的例子也没有完全阐明）, like personal computers for Bill Gates or the invention of electrical light for Thomas Edison.

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To sum up, the appearance may open the door to success for you, but the unique thought in your mind is the real propellant to lead you to your resplendence. It is the brilliant thoughts that provide us with uncounted inventions, paintings, songs and poems.

文章结构不是太好，论点不太明确，让步的那段也没有写好，字数太少，有待提高。

soarer0474UID: 2665789

Appearance, including looks and dresses, is occupying(playing) an increasing status(role) in modern world, which is suggested(considered) as a key element to (加be)success by the surrounding magazines and advertisements. However, regardless of the misleading information coming from media, of （去掉of）which（改为that） the（改为its） main aim is to sale products, it is good ideas that guide people to success.（这句没有表达清楚）

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First, appearance is a transient thing when referring to success; we usually mean a permanent one. While the looks may disappear as time flies, luckily （逻辑不对，不要lickily）the thoughts may stay and grows up all the time. Looks will decide the fist impression of people, but considering that the bridge of success is usually built by the people who work with us everyday; abilities of creation decide the acme of your career（这句好多词不对，表达不太清晰）. For example, in job hunting, although fitted suits or gorgeous dresses may be a quick access to grasp people's eyeballs, having the creative ideas is the critical reason why employers hire people.

. d( C0 J* D) ?8 o; [; [* y* {& L  n) t9 b" p; }/ M, `# B. z/ H
8 Z- L& M+ u" e4 K8 J1 U, K# [' S$ f$ `2 u% Q
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Indeed(不要，逻辑不对，强调的不是它), appearance plays a role in success, however, it is a smaller one. There are a great amount of people who reach their goals with plain or even unsightly looks while countless beautiful people die in poverty and obscurity（去掉obscurity，意义不对）. A good idea can change your life in a moment（太夸张了，就算是，后面的例子也没有完全阐明）, like personal computers for Bill Gates or the invention of electrical light for Thomas Edison.

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To sum up, the appearance may open the door to success for you, but the unique thought in your mind is the real propellant to lead you to your resplendence. It is the brilliant thoughts that provide us with uncounted inventions, paintings, songs and poems.

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文章结构不是太好，论点不太明确，让步的那段也没有写好，字数太少，有待提高。

文章中的错字，andy已经检查的不少了，我也没有发现其他需要改的

主要就评价一下吧：

首先用词还可以，比较多的变化，但是有些词用的有误，所以还是应该仔细记住某些词的精确用法的

另外就是结构上面应该多一个对本身支撑的的分论点，这样也可以多加字数，

最后就是修改他人文章的时候最好后面可以写一些整体评价，这样可以帮助别人明白改进的方向，这个其实也是一个自己思考的过程

line126UID: 2556583

这个occupy a status为啥不行？
另However, regardless of the misleading information coming from media, of （去掉of）which（改为that） the（改为its） main aim is to sale products, it is good ideas that guide people to success.
这个为啥要这样改？which是指媒体 改了后反而成错句了
a key element to (加be)success  这个好像语法上也很奇怪