12.3 那些保持房间整洁有秩序地学生会更成功

yuminjiaUID: 2659628

12.3 那些保持房间整洁有秩序地学生会更成功。



Whether those students who make their dormitory tidier than others will be inclined to success is a controversial issue in our daily life. Nevertheless it is the evidence that can be proved obviously by recent survey report. From the its analyztion, the key characteristics of those students are estimated as hardworking and well management, the skills indispensable for success.

First, it is the hardworking that helps a student to be successful no matter in the study or career, since the one who always keeps its room tidy must be a person industrious. There is an old saying that everything depends on one's attitude. Hence, although we can not deny the factor of intelligence, it is the attitude, a major factor, that decides whether a student would be success in the future. Taking my roommate for instance, he is a person who has a habit of cleaning up his dormitory every morning when he gets up. I was curious about why he kept making his room so tidy even while he is busy with dealing with academic plight. He told me that such habit will cultivate awareness of persistently hardworking, the factor leading to success. From the award he won during those years, I can easily find the evidence to substantiate his word. So, keeping room tidy, although will be overlooked in our livelihood, will certainly be helpful in your study.

Second, it is apparent to find management skill from this habit. The management skill, the most indispensable skill, can never be overemphasized for a businessman in his career. A vivid example can be found in the story of my team leader in my research group. Once we got a tough assignment, every team members all had no ideas. It is my team leader that made a detailed schedule to appoint us responsibilities marked with deadline. From this well management orientation, we easily accomplished this job on time and even won the praise from our professor. To my surprise, my team leader is a guy who also has a habit that preferring to keep his room tidy. Therefore, it can be proved that this habit will help students, even someone else in other occupation, more easily to attain the success.

Judging from what I state above, The habit of keeping room tidy will absolutely have beneficial effect for students to be more successful in the future than others.

又写多了 怎么才能不说废话,请大家使劲拍~~~~~~~~!

goodmygirlUID: 2713861

个人建议下，格式稍微有点问题，虽然我不是很确定，但是以我个人经验来说，国内的高分格式First，Second什么什么的写成英文后得分一般都不会很高....内容的话我可能写得比你更烂....所以我不知道该咋评...抱歉了...还有analyztion不知道是什么意思，能解释下不？A vivid example 很好，我又学到一句很实用的东西...

名字是个词儿UID: 2707493

12.3 那些保持房间整洁有秩序地学生会更成功。
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3 X% j3 U/ Y! r  LWhetherthose students who make their dormitory tidier than others will beinclined to success is a controversial issue in our daily life.Nevertheless it is the evidence that can be proved[evidence可以被prove? evidence是用来prove别的观点的吧] obviously by recentsurvey report. From the its analyztion[analysis], the key characteristics ofthose students are estimated as hardworking and well management, theskills indispensable for success.
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1 K" r: v" {1 XFirst, it is thehardworking that helps a student to be successful no matter[no matter后要跟what, who，或是it强调句之类的过渡下，不能直接跟介词短语] in thestudy or career, since the one[考虑把the one换成those?] who always keeps its room tidy must be aperson industrious. There is an old saying that everything depends onone's attitude[我听说过attitude is everything.]. Hence, although we can not deny the factor ofintelligence, it is the attitude, a major factor, that decides whethera student would be success in the future. Taking[take] my roommate forinstance, he is a person who has a habit of cleaning up his dormitoryevery morning when he gets up. I was curious about why he kept makinghis room so tidy even while he is busy with[这个with去掉] dealing with academicplight. He told me that such habit will cultivate awareness ofpersistently hardworking, the factor leading to success. From the awardhe won during those years, I can easily find the evidence tosubstantiate his word. So, keeping room tidy, although will be[will be 去掉，或换成often或sometimes]overlooked in our livelihood, will certainly be helpful in your study.

室友的例子很赞。与文章观点有机结合。不错。你说字数超了，那要不要考虑本段前半部分论述那里简洁点，有些意思相近的句子可以整合一下。

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3 p, p! T: i# H6 F2 TSecond, it isapparent to find management skill from this habit.[it is obvious that management skill can be established from this habit] The managementskill, the most indispensable skill, can never be overemphasized for abusinessman[范围缩小到了businessman，原文问的是学生。应该有些过渡的话，说明这个学生毕业后如何如何，再说毕业了也不全都去做businessman] in his career. A vivid example can be found in the story ofmy team leader in my research group[research group太泛，既然是例子，并且具体到了个人，就说明白一点，随便编个geology, computer, financial啥的，细节]. Once we got a tough assignment,every team members all had no ideas[none of the team members had any ideas]. It is my team leader that[who] made adetailed schedule to appoint us responsibilities marked with deadline.From this well management orientation, we easily accomplished this jobon time and even won the praise from our professor. To my surprise, myteam leader is a guy who also has a habit that preferring to keep hisroom tidy. [仅说此人即能干又整洁是不够的，关键要说明整洁这个品质对他的能干起到什么积极作用。这样你后面才能说it can be proved...]Therefore, it can be proved that this habit will helpstudents, even someone else in other occupation, more easily to attainthe success.

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% E* ^( n9 U) P6 L2 z( k1 i. }+ G* RJudgingfrom what I state above, The habit of keeping room tidy will absolutelyhave beneficial effect for students to be more successful in the futurethan others.

确实比较长，考场上也许没时间写这么多的字。
我个人对first, second的结构没有意见，挺简洁的。只要内容充实，这种结构没啥不好。

半夏之北UID: 2517498

Whether those students who make their dormitory tidier than others will be inclined to success is a controversial issue in our daily life. Nevertheless it is the evidence that can be proved obviously by recent survey report.(这一句好像没什么用啊) From the its analyztion（analysis）, the key characteristics of those students are estimated as hardworking and well management, the skills indispensable for success.
First, it is the hardworking that helps a student to be successful no matter in the study or career, since the one who always keeps its room tidy must be a （industrious）person industrious. There is an old saying that everything depends on one's attitude. Hence, although we can not deny the factor of intelligence, it is the attitude, a major factor, that decides whether a student would be success in the future. Taking my roommate for instance, he is a person who has a habit of cleaning up his dormitory every morning when he gets up. I was curious about why he kept making his room so tidy even while he is busy with dealing with academic plight(这里用困境不太合适吧，就说他很忙但是仍然坚持打扫卫生就可以了). He told me that such habit will cultivate awareness of persistently hardworking, the factor leading to success. From the award he won during those years, I can easily find the evidence to substantiate his word. So, keeping room tidy, although will be overlooked in our livelihood, will certainly be helpful in your study.
Second, it is apparent to find management skill(skills) from this habit. The management skills, the most indispensable skill, can never be overemphasized for a businessman in his career. A vivid example can be found in the story of my team leader in my research group. Once we got a tough assignment, every team members all had no ideas. It is my team leader that made a detailed schedule to appoint us responsibilities marked with deadline. From this well management orientation, we easily accomplished this job on time and even won the praise from our professor. To my surprise, my team leader is a guy who also has a habit that preferring to keep his room tidy. Therefore, it can be proved that this habit will help students, even someone else in other occupation, more easily to attain the success.
Judging from what I state above, The habit of keeping room tidy will absolutely have beneficial effect for students to be more successful in the future than others.
用词和句式都很好，赞一下~~
但是我觉得例子举得不是很好，尤其是第二个，太泛泛了，没有和这一段的主题句相结合，比如可以说整理房间和制定详细的规划是类似的，都要确定先做什么，怎么做效率最高这些的。然后第二个分论点说到businessman，我感觉没有必要说，因为题目问的是关于学生的
加油哈↖(^ω^)↗