12.3独立作文

shiwei83UID: 2680950

    As somebody has pointed out, that student who always keep their room neatly and orderly will be more succeed. We might therefore ask ourselves whether it can make us more succeed?.
   
    First of all, there are many celebrity who pay attention to the so-called bagatellesuch as keep room neatly. A house is not swept clean, how can you sweep the world? The famous Chinese idiom told us that who want to be succeed should begin with the minor matter. To keep one’s room tidy, which looks like too trivial or insignificant to mention, but in fact, it may reflect one’s nature. A man who with forward looking and ambitious would always be willing to do from small start. For example, Benjamin Franklin devote himself to establish United States, in his autobiography, he listed all his motto, one of them is to keep room neatly.
   

    Second, according to the latest scientific research result, people found that the student who usually maintain their room neatly can do their jobs quite streakiness and highly efficient, the reason maybe because they used to live a orderly life. Which habit make them establish inner self-discipline and a sense of order. For the reasons given above, the students with that habit would show more competence in their lessons, for example, they show good writing skills, their essay always be well organized and well developed, display unity and coherence. They also show excellentability of logical capability in science courses such as mathematics, physics, and so on..

    Finally, to preserve the room neatly, it looks like a simple job, but, in fact, it is a boring work, only who had lots of will power may to accomplish it. As is known to everyone , perseverance is the only road to succeed. Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance, so that student who like to preserve their room neatly may also have great will power, which should lead them to be succeed.
   

    Taking into account of all these aspects I stat above, we may reach the conclusion that student who always keep their room neatly and orderly will be more succeed.

cavadorisUID: 2646574

1# shiwei83
As somebody has pointed out, that student who always keep their room neatly and orderly will be more succeed. We might therefore ask ourselves whether it can make us more succeed（successful）?./ H- V7 x6 ~ H0 L' X! B & Y$ d$ x7 z+ w. C; ?7 f0 B; @: w E* q First of all, there are many celebrity（复数） who pay attention to the so-called bagatelle such as keep（ing） room neatly. A house is not swept clean, how can you sweep the world？ The famous Chinese idiom told us that who want to be succeed should begin with the minor matter. To keep one’s room tidy, which looks like too trivial or insignificant to mention, but in fact, it may reflect one’s nature.（这句话没有谓语） A man who with forward looking and ambitious（名词形式） would always be willing to do from small start（small start?这说法有点怪）. For example, Benjamin Franklin devote himself to establish United States, in his autobiography, he listed all his motto, one of them is to keep room neatly. （例子真好，而且非常恰如其分，我就总想不起来这样合适的例子-_____-）- n( E# N) j: }$ Z! ] " g: C/ x; l; |# ~- \5 t Second, according to the latest scientific research result, people found that the student who usually maintain their room neatly can do their jobs quite streakiness（应该用形容词形式） and highly efficient, the reason maybe because（很容易犯的小错误） they used to live a orderly life. Which habit make them establish inner self-discipline and a sense of order. For the reasons given above, the students with that habit would show more competence in their lessons, for example, they show good writing skills, their essay （差一个助动词）always be well organized and well developed, display unity and coherence. They also show excellentability of logical capability in science courses such as mathematics, physics, and so on..8 k% n) h# o6 H ( N, m i7 I# {9 P Finally, to preserve the room neatly, it looks like a simple job, but, in fact, it is a boring work, only who had lots of will power may to accomplish it. As is known to everyone , perseverance is the only road to succeed. Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance, so that student who like to preserve their room neatly may also have great will power, which should lead them to be succeed." t, d' R4 F3 R( g4 z Taking into account of all these aspects I stat above, we may reach the conclusion that student who always keep their room neatly and orderly will be more succeed.

觉得你的论证很有力具体，不像我只是一味陈列大道理，还没有多大关系，呵呵。不过语法的小毛病比较多，是不是一遍写完就没有检查呢，我没有一一给你列出只是象征性的点出几个，最好回去再把文章自己顺一遍，在这方面有些不够扎实倒是真的，建议lz背几篇经典文章，即使用不上里面的句子，它也会给你带来潜移默化的影响。还有，谢谢你的点评，+U+U咯！

SilentScorpiusUID: 2686998

As somebody has pointed out, that（貌似应该去掉that） student who always keep their room neatly and orderly (keep+adv.?)will be more succeed. We might therefore ask ourselves whether it can make us more succeed?
  First of all, there are many celebrity who pay attention to the so-called bagatelle（这词是。。。） such as keep room neatly. A house is not swept clean, how can you sweep the world? The famous Chinese idiom told us that who want to be succeed should begin with the minor matter. To keep one’s room tidy, which looks like too trivial or insignificant to mention, but in fact, it may reflect one’s nature. A man who with forward looking and ambitious would always be willing to do （缺了宾语）from small start. For example, Benjamin Franklin devote himself to establish United States, in his autobiography, he listed all his motto, one of them is to keep room neatly.（这个例子很好）
Second, according to the latest scientific research result, people found that the student who usually maintain their room neatly can do their jobs quite streakiness and highly efficient, the reason maybe because（改为may attribute to that） they used to live a orderly life. Which habit make them establish inner self-discipline and a sense of order. For the reasons given above, the students with that habit would show more competence in their lessons, for example, they show good writing skills, their essay always be well organized and well developed, display unity and coherence. They also show excellent ability of logical capability in science courses such as mathematics, physics, and so on.(这一点的论证比较充分，学习了)
    Finally, to preserve the room neatly, it looks like a simple job, but, in fact, it is a boring work, only who had lots of will power may to accomplish it. As is known to everyone , perseverance is the only（only太绝对了，可以改成重要因素） road to succeed. Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance, so that student who like to preserve their room neatly may also have great will power, which should lead them to be succeed.
    Taking into account of all these aspects I stat(stated) above, we may reach the conclusion that student who always keep their room neatly and orderly will be more succeed.

LZ的举例很好，例证也很充分，但是要注意句子的通顺和小的语法问题。