12月7日 violin 独立写作贴

cavadorisUID: 2646574

Agree or disagree, in order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.
16：17-17:22 (中间有聊天。。。态度不端正我错了,三个拼写错误)
Anything out of line seemed to be never appealed to me before my college. Born and bred in a traditional Chinese family, I was taught to be a so-called ‘good kid’ who would never disobey the rules and disciplines. A s a result, being unanimous with others was taken granted by me directly related to success. However, after entering the university and contacting various types of people, I began to doubt my standard of success, whether one should be more like others or be different from everyone else? Weighing carefully in my mind, I would like to assert, definitely, that in order to succeed, one should embrace his/her own style rather mimic others.
For one thing, lets get down to some fundamentals — the nature of success. In my opinion, success is not something superficial and ambitious: money, position, or fame, but is the truly reflection of one’s humanity, personality and value towards life which are originated from our inner side. However, the more you resemble others, the more likely you will lose your truly nature, the less possible you may achieve success. How can one’s thought be presented, accordingly, by imitating others mind; like wring an article, once all draw the same and dreary lines upon their articles, how could the outstanding ones emerge from the common ones? Conclusively, one will never obtain success unless he/she maintain the authentic personality and nature.
What’s more, people who insist their own way have more inclination to succeed. Hakeem Olajuwon — the famous basketball player, for instance, was so fond of NBA top players and so eager to improve his skill that he did his utmost to simulate motions of a host of players— their paces, slum dunk, bending the knees and even turning over. But it did not come out to meet his initial expectation. So he turned all his imitation into seeking for his own style, practicing hard and virtually he became one of the best players in the Houston Rockets. It is not difficult to imagine that Olajuwon would not be as popular and famous as he is now if he continue to imitate others.
As a matter of fact, we can illustrate great amount of successes, such as Bill Gates, Einstein, Picasso that could prove my argument all too well. All of them choose distinctive way to success. Till now, why so many people tend to follow suit and keep themselves similar as other people in order to succeed is always beyond me and I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that it is more likely to succeed to be a distinctive person and to be truly yourself.

还我用户名UID: 2733880

Anything out of line seemed to be never appealed to me before my college. Born and bred in a traditional Chinese family, I was taught to be a so-called ‘good kid’ who would never disobey the rules and disciplines. As a result, being unanimous with others was taken granted by me directly related to success. However, after entering the university and contacting various types of people, I began to doubt my standard of success, whether one should be more like others or be different from everyone else? Weighing carefully in my mind, I would like to assert, definitely, that in order to succeed, one should embrace his/her own style rather mimic others.【这种开头比较有个人特色，不像我的那种很烂俗。语言比较清晰，不过个人故事的部分可以再精炼一些。】

For one thing, lets get down to some fundamentals — the nature of success. In my opinion, success is not something superficial and ambitious: money, position, or fame, but is the truly reflection of one’s humanity, personality and value towards life which are originated from our inner side. However, the more you resemble others, the more likely you will lose your truly nature, the less possible you may achieve success. How can one’s thought be presented, accordingly, by imitating others mind; like wring an article, once all draw the same and dreary lines upon their articles, how could the outstanding ones emerge from the common ones? Conclusively, one will never obtain success unless he/she maintain the authentic personality and nature.【Topic sentence按照中文的思路，这么写是可以的，但是美国佬更喜欢的风格是TS直接切中要害，也就是说直接切题，然后再层层展开。再设想评卷老师比较忙碌，比较疲倦，看到这个TS，他可能不知道这句话跟题目中的key words有什么联系。】

What’s more, people who insist their own way have more inclination to succeed. Hakeem Olajuwon — the famous basketball player, for instance, was so fond of NBA top players and so eager to improve his skill that he did his utmost to simulate motions of a host of players— their paces, slum dunk, bending the knees and even turning over. But it did not come out to meet his initial expectation. So he turned all his imitation into seeking for his own style, practicing hard and virtually he became one of the best players in the Houston Rockets. It is not difficult to imagine that Olajuwon would not be as popular and famous as he is now if he continue to imitate others.As a matter of fact, we can illustrate great amount of successes, such as Bill Gates, Einstein, Picasso that could prove my argument all too well. All of them choose distinctive way to success. 【这个TS还是有问题的。你文章的main point 就是说特别的人更能成功，那么每个小段的subpoint应该是支撑这个main point的理由，而不是重复main point。记得我的初中老师说过，请把评卷老师当傻子，你写得越清晰，越简单，越有逻辑，才能越能博得他的好感。第二就是Hakeem Olajuwon的例子太长，论述太少，我也曾经犯过这样的错误，但是一个老师说ETS不是要在作文里考察你叙述的能力，而是考察论述的能力。】

Till now, why so many people tend to follow suit and keep themselves similar as other people in order to succeed is always beyond me and I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that it is more likely to succeed to be a distinctive person and to be truly yourself（说myself比较好一点）.【这一段的第一句不是很好，题目是要求你进行客观论证自己的观点，你的观点是成为特别的人更能成功，但是你却又说很多人因为趋同而成功，只是因为我不理解。这不是推翻了自己的论证吗？】

个人浅见，如有不妥，还请见谅。

hulinlin24UID: 2731389

Anything out of line seemed to be never appealed to me before my college. Born and bred(grew up.貌似bred一般是用在动物的) in a traditional Chinese family, I was taught to be a so-called ‘good kid’ who would never disobey the rules and disciplines. A s a result, being unanimous with others was taken granted by me directly related to success. However, after entering the university and contacting （with） various types of people, I began to doubt my standard of success, whether one should be more like others or be different from everyone else? Weighing(weighting) carefully in my mind, I would like to assert, definitely, that in order to succeed, one should embrace his/her own style rather mimic others.
For one thing, lets(let’s) get down to some fundamentals — the nature of success. In my opinion, success is not something superficial and ambitious: money, position, or fame, but is the truly reflection of one’s humanity, personality and value towards life which are originated from our inner side. (这个定语从句修饰不明确)However, the more you resemble others, the more likely you will lose your truly nature, the less possible you may achieve success. How can one’s thought be presented, accordingly, by imitating others mind; like wring(writing) an article, once all draw the same and dreary（clear?） lines upon their articles, how could the outstanding ones emerge from the common ones? Conclusively, one will never obtain success unless he/she maintain the authentic personality and nature.
What’s more, people who insist their own way have more inclination to succeed. Hakeem Olajuwon — the famous basketball player, for instance, was so fond of NBA top players and so eager to improve his skill that he did his utmost to simulate motions of a host of players— their paces, slum dunk, bending the knees and even turning over. But it did not come out to meet his initial expectation. So he turned all his imitation into seeking for his own style, practicing hard and virtually he became one of the best players in the Houston Rockets. It is not difficult to imagine that Olajuwon would not be as popular and famous as he is now if he continue to imitate others.(这一段就一个例子，应该多点论述)As a matter of fact, we can illustrate great amount of successes, such as Bill Gates, Einstein, Picasso that could prove my argument all too well. All of them choose distinctive way to success. Till now, why so many people tend to follow suit and keep themselves similar as other people in order to succeed is always beyond me and I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that it is more likely to succeed to be a distinctive person and to be truly yourself.
论述部分还是少了点，不过第一段的开头很好，加油