12.10 violin 独立作文

cavadorisUID: 2646574

孩子应该是玩和学习还是做家务household chores？
16:00-40

Which kind of activities could exert more benefit on children in modern society, studying and having fun or doing household chores? This issue is so complex that it has aroused such a fierce debate in the society. While some parents may require their kids to do some household chores in order to cultivate their independent capacity, others may hold that children should concentrate their focus on study or just have fun with their puppies. At first glance, both arguments seem to be somewhat convincing; after carefully weighing in my mind, I would like to assert that the children, embraced with truly nature, should not be forced to do household chores, but to develop their personalities by means of playing and studying.
Don’t you find that children exciting and lovely cosmetic beings? They have an air of freedom, and they do not have dreary commitment to mean ambitions. In consequence, there is totally no need for parents to impose any household chores on the little fairies, as if they were mature and responsible enough to burden such sort of chaotic matters as waving a cleaning rag in front of a huge piece of window glass even taller than them. What appeals deeply the kids is the books, the funny games, the toys —everything arousing their curiosity to dig it out in a more suitable form. So for the curious, active and naïve children, studying and playing is undoubtedly the best way to satisfy them and foster them.
Some supporting the former opinion as I listed above may argue that doing some housework is a chance for children to experience their future life in advance, through which kids could understand their parents on a new point and be equipped with versatile ability. I accept that it is true, nevertheless, it does not mean that same thing won’t happen if children play games with their accompanies or study. Take the popular game role-play for instance, each child in the game will play a role —a dad, a mom, a teacher or even a policeman— any role if they like and would do his/her according job as if they were on the real position. As a result, children will enjoy their time by mimicking different roles in the society, realizing the society more concretely and clearly and developing their distinctive capability. Moreover, children are not as willing to clean houses, wash dishes or cook for dinner as to have fun with other kids.
All in all, I feel very comfortable to reach my point of view that children who may be creative, ill-mannered, lack of responsibility, could obtain more skill and knowledge, even experience through play and study than doing household chores, due to their nature and the different effects of the two kinds of activities.

还我用户名UID: 2733880

Whichkind of activities could exert more benefit[额，好像没有看到过这个说法，可以说receive/reap/gain/obtain benefits] on children in modernsociety, studying and having fun or doing household chores? This issueis so complex that it has aroused such a fierce debate[这个搭配好] in the society.While some parents may require their kids to do some household choresin order to cultivate their independent capacity,[independent capacity可并不是你说所说的独立能力哦~] others may hold thatchildren should concentrate their focus on study or just have fun withtheir puppies[这个句型不错]. At first glance, both arguments seem to be somewhatconvincing; after carefully weighing in my mind, I would like to assertthat the children, embraced with truly nature, should not be forced todo household chores, but to develop their personalities by means of playing and studying.[其实句子都挺不错的，就是稍长了点。你看那些范文基本上都是明确表示观点后，迅速开始说论点论据。]
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Don’tyou find that children exciting and lovely cosmetic beings?[这么写其实也行，不过也挺冒险，如果这个评卷老师刚好比较劳累或者疲倦，在首句找不出你的观点，他就容易产生不好的印象。]
They havean air of freedom, and they do not have dreary commitment to meanambitions. In consequence, there is totally no need for parents toimpose any household chores on the little fairies, as if they weremature and responsible enough to burden such sort of chaotic matters aswaving a cleaning rag in front of a huge piece of window glass eventaller than them. [这句话好长...:funk:其实把问题讲明白是最重要的，一味追求长句有时候反而起到负面作用]What appeals deeply the kids[改为what appeals the kid deeply] is the books, the funnygames, the toys —everythingarousing their curiosity to dig it out in a more suitable form [不明白这句话呢...]. So forthe curious, active and naïve children, studying and playingis undoubtedly the best way to satisfy them and foster them. [这一段不是很明白你的意思，你是说小孩子的天性是爱玩的，所以他们不会去做家务是吗？如果是，那怎么支撑你的观点呢？中心论点没有明确讲出来，一是让读者很难知道你的意思，二，你自己的development容易混乱。]
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Somesupporting the former opinion as I listed above may argue that doingsome housework is a chance for children to experience their future lifein advance, through which kids could understand their parents on a newpoint and be equipped with versatile ability. [topic sentenc不建议这么长，最好短而精确。就算你后面有一些小错误，老师也不会太在意的。首句写太长，先就把他给困住了，他会很郁闷的。]I accept that it is true,nevertheless, it does not mean that same thing won’t happen if childrenplay games with their accompanies or study. Take the popular gamerole-play for instance, each child in the game will play a role —a dad, a mom, a teacher or even a policeman—any role if they like and would do his/her according job as if theywere on the real position. As a result, children will enjoy their timeby mimicking different roles in the society, realizing the society moreconcretely and clearly and developing their distinctive capability.Moreover, children are not as willing to clean houses, wash dishes orcook for dinner as to have fun with other kids. [这一段你用了大部分来描述一个故事。而论述非常少，没有很好得把TS支撑起来。一定要多讲道理！ETS不是考察我们的叙述能力来的，是考察我们的论证能力来的。]
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Allin all, I feel very comfortable[这个表达有点口语话，有点随便，不严谨] to reach my point of view that childrenwho may be creative, ill-mannered, lack of responsibility, could obtainmore skill and knowledge, even experience through[from] play and study than[你的对比在哪里呢？]doing household chores, due to their nature and the different effectsof the two kinds of activities.

能够看到楼主想运用长句和高级词汇表达的愿望，但是首先要满足一个条件，那就是意思清晰。很多地方因为句子写得不明白，词用得太大，还有我本身的水平局限，造成了阅读障碍。
建议多看范文，看看他们的用词造句，看看他们怎么写段首句，看看他们怎么展开一个论点。
你也尝试着去突破托福八股文的状态，但是目前看来还是那种八股文的形式最清晰，最accessible。
记住，别写太复杂，主要是把道理讲清楚。

cindynanaUID: 2630679

Which kind of activities could exert more benefit on children in modern society, studying and having fun or doing household chores? This issue is so complex that it has aroused such a fierce debate in the society. While some parents may require their kids to do some household chores in order to cultivate their independent capacity, others may hold that children should concentrate their focus on study or just have fun with their puppies. At first glance, both arguments seem to be somewhat convincing; after carefully weighing in my mind, I would like to assert that the children, embraced with truly nature, should not be forced to do household chores, but to develop their personalities by means of playing and studying.
Don’t you find that children exciting and lovely cosmetic beings 从句缺谓语? They have an air of freedom, and they do not have dreary commitment to mean ambitions. In consequence, there is totally no need for parents to impose any household chores on the little fairies-good, as if they were mature and responsible enough to burden such sort of chaotic matters （为什么做家事会是chaotic matters} as waving a cleaning rag in front of a huge piece of window glass even taller than them. What appeals deeply the kids is the books, the funny games, the toys —everything arousing their curiosity to dig it out in a more suitable form. So for the curious, active and naïve children, studying and playing is undoubtedly the best way to satisfy them and foster them./ o( v  y* E* K
Some 写反了吧？supporting the former opinion as I listed above may argue that doing some housework is a chance for children to experience their future life in advance, through which kids could understand their parents （by） on-standing at a new point and be equipped with versatile ability. I accept that it is true, nevertheless,it does not mean that(I cannot promise) (the) same thing won’t happen if children play games with their accompanies or study. Take(taking) the popular game role-play for instance, each child in the game will play a role —a dad, a mom, a teacher or even a policeman— any role if they like and would do his/her according job as if they were on the real position. As a result, children will enjoy their time by mimicking different roles in the society, realizing the society more concretely and clearly and developing their distinctive capability. Moreover, children are not as willing to clean houses, wash dishes or cook for dinner as to have fun with other kids.
All in all, I feel very comfortable to reach my point of view that children who may be creative, ill-mannered, lack of responsibility, could obtain more skill and knowledge, even experience through play and study than doing household chores, due to their nature and the different effects of the two kinds of activities.
写作风格有的和我很像，读得很舒服，就是有一点，注意长短句搭配，还有就是要克制住想写长句的冲动，否则别人读的会不爽（PS，这也是别人告诉我的，我这个问题就相当严重）。。。
总的来说，还是很OK 的， 尤其首段的设计很好，用词也很好~~很有抓眼球的功效，私以为论证手段可以更加多样化，句式也可适当多变一点。