我的第一篇writing practice~求批改

Natalie蝶UID: 2806232

16号考，现在才开始准备作文~呜呜~~今天第一次在在论坛发自己的作文~~没有计时~~呕了很久。。。下次要掐时间！！还希望好心GTER们用力拍砖！
topic:Twenty years from now, people will have more free time(leisure time) tham we do now。
                Take a glimpse at the history of developed countries, people have once driven to work excessively to make more money, but as the society developed, they tended to require more leisure time. As a result, it is reasonable to predict that Chinese people will have more private time probably 20 years later.
                There are two reasons which may explain why Chinese people lack leisure time. Firstly, for last decade, China has been witnessing its miracles in economy development. However, just like in the Industrial Revolution period, in such time, the soaring speed of economic development produced a nationwide trend of the desperate pursuit of treasure. In this case, people are driven to sacrifice their leisure time in exchange of more economic compensation. The other reason is that the welfare system in China is far from completeness which leaves many people in a dilemma that if you want to enjoy wonderful time right now then you may not be able to afford a happy life when you get old.
               Nevertheless, such ‘work to live’ attitude is giving its way to ‘live to work’. People nowadays emphasize more on pursuit of happiness rather than pursuit of wealth. More and more countries begin to consider GNH, an indicator of the people’s happiness level in a nation. Even in China, more and more young people plan to make a full use of their disposable holidays. They would like to spend more time with their family or friends or travel to some other places to separate themselves from those worldly affairs.
               What’s more, China government also endeavors to improve the nation’s welfare system and regulate the violation on employees’ legible rights. Companies are required to pay 3 times salary for overtime work and raise the benchmark of the amount of retirement pension.
Taking account of all the changes above, we may expect that after 20 years, we can lead such life: 4 work days and 6 work hours!

shufescUID: 2616499

有几个小问题：开头第一句就不大对吧：take 是动词，是不是应该改成taking呢？还有时态，have once driven, once 一般是和过去式连用的。drive在这里是不是应该用被动态呢？
我觉得第一句应该是：With a glimpse at the history of developed countries, people was once drived to work excessively to make more money, but as the society advanced, they had a tendency to require more leisure time.
个人拙见，仅供参考。

Natalie蝶UID: 2806232

可是如果是with的话，就是后面一句的伴随状语，也就是people做主语，我这里是想用一个祈使句，或许我应该要用一个连词来链接两句话。嗯，时态的确是问题！！呜呜~~我口语的时候时态也是听混乱的~~后面一句改的很好啊！！比我那句简洁多了~而且用advance替代万年的develope~~学到啦~~谢啦！

tonyyoucanUID: 2806157

3# Natalie蝶

Take a glimpse at the history of developed countries, people have once driven to work excessively to make more money, but as the society developed, they tended to require more leisure time. As a result, it is reasonable to predict that （20 years later.，放这里会好一些）Chinese people will have more private time probably 20 years later.
' There are two reasons which may explain why Chinese people lack leisure time. Firstly, for last decade, China has been witnessing its miracles in economy development. However, just like in the Industrial Revolution period, in such time(删除，2个时间段重复), the soaring speed of economic development produced a nationwide trend of the desperate pursuit of treasure. In this case, people are driven to sacrifice their leisure time in exchange of more economic compensation. The other reason is that the welfare system in China is far from completeness which leaves many people in a dilemma that if you （they）want to enjoy wonderful time right now then you（employees） may not be able to afford a happy life when you get old （把you 都改成 people 或 其他第三人称单数吧）

Nevertheless, such ‘work to live’ attitude is giving its way to ‘live to work’. People nowadays emphasize more on pursuit of happiness rather than pursuit of wealth. More and more countries begin to consider GNH, an indicator of the people’s happiness level in a nation. Even in China, more and more young people plan to make a full use of their disposable holidays. They would like to spend more time with their family or friends or （此处与would like 并列 to 不能省略）travel to some other places to separate themselves from those worldly affairs.,

What’s more, China government also endeavors to improve the nation’s welfare system and regulate the violation on employees’ legible rights. Companies are required to pay 3 times salary for overtime work and raise the benchmark of the amount of retirement pension.
Taking account of all the changes above, we I（题目是问作者本人的观点） may expect that after 20 years, we can lead such life: 4 work days and 6 work hours!

LZ，给您提一个建议，这也是我大学写作老师给出的:)

我们写作很喜欢用 you， we等人称代词， 如果用了叁人称， 做好全文都用第三人称来叙述， 表达个人观点除外，这样表大会更清晰， 不然 you ，we指代会比较模糊，您觉得呢？

greenroudUID: 2312800

Take a glimpse at the history of developed countries, people have once driven to work excessively to make more money, but as the society developed, they tended to require more leisure time. As a result, it is reasonable to predict that Chinese people will have more private time probably 20 years later.（once句时态用过去完成时更好）
/ L+ |: S" ?. n+ D                There are two reasons which may explain why Chinese people lack leisure time. Firstly, for last decade, China has been witnessing its miracles in economy development（economic development, 或者economic growth广播中常用）. However, just like in the Industrial Revolution period, in such time（可省，象中国话）, the soaring speed of economic development produced a nationwide trend of the desperate pursuit of treasure. In this case, people（nowadays） are driven to sacrifice their leisure time in exchange of more economic compensation. The other reason is that the welfare system in China is far from completeness which leaves many people in a dilemma that if you want to enjoy wonderful time right now then you may not be able to afford(live或者afford the expense to ...) a happy life when you get(grow) old.
$ m# W+ y9 e( u8 W0 V8 o               Nevertheless, such ‘work to live’ attitude is giving its way to ‘live to work’. People nowadays emphasize more on pursuit of happiness rather than pursuit of wealth. More and more countries begin to consider GNH, an indicator of the people’s happiness level in a nation. Even in China, more and more young people plan to make a full use of their disposable holidays. They would like to spend more time with their family(families) or friends or travel to some other places to separate themselves from those worldly affairs(world affairs国家大事？).
/ c  h! ^# `$ \( ^- G               What’s more（有点口语化）, China government also endeavors to improve the nation’s welfare system and regulate the violation on employees’ legible rights. Companies are required to pay 3 times salary for overtime work and raise the benchmark of the amount of retirement pension.
/ X; l9 Y' Y3 p2 K7 T9 @Taking account of all the changes above, we may expect that after 20 years, we can lead such life: 4 work days and 6 work hours!

文章总体来看思路清晰，语句连贯，语法错误较少；其实第一段也能作为论据之一，使立论更加丰满。以上观点仅供参考。

Natalie蝶UID: 2806232

4# tonyyoucan
恩恩~~的确人称代词是一个问题！