【Daily Writing作文特训小组】wilsonchen2011的作文帖，欢迎交流指导！

wilsonchen2011UID: 3137568

7.25
今年3月27号我考第一次托福成绩不理想，主要因为听力大失水准，口语缺乏练习。阅读和写作虽然还过得去但都没有拿到满分，说明我还大有提分的空间。很快8月21日我要再考一次，而要备考就要有重点地攻破每项考察的技能。Daily Writing作文特训小组正是一个很不错的锻炼写作的活动。希望我通过论坛老师的指导、网友的经验交流、自己坚持不懈地严格每天完成作业，能将原来的27分提得更高！
7.28
楼主今天提出一个新动议，内容是对于每一篇完成的作文，最好既在网页上有直接的文本展示，又有方便批改的附件形式，这样会比较有利于整理和查阅。
对于附件的文件名最好也规范化，格式可以是日期(月.日)+空格+批改者+"改"+原作者+作文类型("独立"/"综合")，例如：7.27 轩爷改冰雪蜂鸟独立.doc，名字最好用短一点的昵称。
页面展示的内容自然应该和附件里面的基本一样了，批改过的文章最好也既有展示又有附件。记得明确写作业日期和作文类型，题目也最好清晰明了，批改者在可以在附件里面署名。
其实这就是楼主自己整理和查阅的大致习惯，可能不是每个人都喜欢，每个人都接受这个动议。但是希望这种习惯对大家也有一定的帮助。谢谢！
7.29
前几天看到Jenius同学把所有文章附件在楼主帖，觉得是个挺不错的主意，于是便换了一种整理方式，这样子更方便批改了！

jackchen823UID: 2767008

总体上写的非常不错啊！我三站托福了，作文求互改！
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1287389-1-1.html

羊小咩89UID: 2848665

看到你帮我改得综合了，很细致，意见也很中肯~thks a loooot~
我也是8月考，多交流哈~

( ⊙ o ⊙ )啊！。。有个小bug
【轩爷综合new】那个才是喔。。不好意思~

wilsonchen2011UID: 3137568

Thanks a million，无论是各位同组的还是是不同组的同学，你们的细致批改和中肯意见都让我感动！
做个回应：确实如羊小咩89所说，综合作文第三个分论点确实和原文脱节太大。最主要是没听好那个collecting operation。
我改羊小咩89的时候都抓出了那个论点的意思，可偏偏自己写的时候没写准确。
如果改成下面这样子大家看看会不会更好：

The professor finally mentions that in spite of collectors' potential damage to the ancient remnants listed in the passage, the collecting operation mainly run by the collectors actually leads more fossils to be found. It is much better to at least discover more fossils even if we cannot get all the data about the location and surroundings of the existing fossils.

羊小咩89UID: 2848665

9# wilsonchen2011

现在的这段就符合lecture的意思啦~
哈哈。。是滴。。可能是每次批别人的时候都会比较狠心，甚至更仔细些
我的独立刚写好。。。==！
独立刚开始练习不久，请谅解
你的我一会改了给你哈~

羊小咩89UID: 2848665

晚来的独立。。。
记得狠批我的喔。。很期待你的修改

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1286661&extra=&page=2

wilsonchen2011UID: 3137568

哈哈。太感谢F君的评价了！很幽默！我可能真的不参加高考了，但这篇文章只是说"in some countries"呀，都没指名道姓，已经够含蓄了，只是在那个Urban Cohort, poisonous milk, problematic pork三处给了一点hints呀。这种东西都妇孺皆知了，不可能被harmonize了。
至于文章，我的思路是一方面说在政府不该为，政府滥作为，政府不作为三种情况下人们还是要依靠自己和家人的力量去解决问题，另一方面深层一点阐述了政府不可能做到十全十美，不可能真正全方位地做到为人民服务的标准。其实我好像也没怎么批判政府呀，我也不是个无政府主义者。
不过确实，我承认确实感情因素多了一些，开头和结尾都用了林肯的葛底斯堡演讲里面的内容，所以总的文章好像一篇演讲稿一样，掺杂着一丝希望还有一点讽刺。

jackchen823UID: 2767008

帮你改好了，你帮我改的很仔细，受教了！

xieqy0326UID: 2653877

5# wilsonchen2011
学习了，写的很不错哦！加油~~~

jennifersoUID: 3132548

Education is virtually an eternal topic for intense debate because it is an important source of elite for a country. However, whether the government should spend more money on college education or on elementary education is seldom an issue. It is nearly a consensus that a large percentage of the government budget has to go the universities due to the following reasons.1 `9 v* E) d+ M; w, `: l
开头非常简洁，用语也漂亮，学习了。

Most importantly, basic education costs less than the high education. The school children are too young to read a lot of books, do technical tests, or join high-class activities, but the college students, with superiority in age and maturity both mentally and physically, （这里几个and和both 的连接，有点让我看不出平衡点，这样表达会产生歧义么）do actually need to digest different kinds of professional materials, use advanced laboratory devices to perform certain experiments, or require music rooms for the rehearsal of concert. So in terms of books, necessary study tools and other special platforms, universities call for more funding to cultivate greatness in the students than do the primary schools.
Second, it is more worthwhile to invest in the talented adults from college because they are more ready to serve the country. The government is always in dire need of human resources for the development of technology, politics, economy and many other aspects. Nonetheless, it takes a fairly long time to raise little Albert finally into great Einstein. But fortunately university students are already grown-ups, so it takes considerably（considerable） less time to educate them into eligible personnel for the government than to primary school students. Needless to say, the undergraduates or the graduates are going to join the practical construction of the country much more quickly.
In addition, most college students today are sooner parents of the next generation compared to the school children. Common sense tells us that clever parents are going to have smarter offspring. With regard to the educated future couples, they may greatly influence their children by providing favorable genes for their sons and daughters so that the future children can probably do math almost naturally, and by establishing secure and healthy environment for the (删除)young generation， so that（删除），(by…so that,这个句子不对) the family can do sports together or go out for a picnic, living a life filled with happiness. The larger amount of budget the government is going to spend on the high education, the more perfectly the vision is going to turn into reality.
（这个论点有点不direct,要知道，大学生可不是凭空而来哦，也是从小学生教育起步的，也就是说，要提高人的素质最起码应该从初级教育开始。跟父母的素质来说的话，这个是不是牵强了点？）
' a' D% G/ J2 i. A( Z7 X
To sum up, for successful future development of the country, it is on the talented people in the universities rather than on the elementary education that the government should put emphasis. This notion has been universally acknowledged because of the higher expenditure, better talent training and more profound influence of the college system.

写的非常好，其实用词用句已经超出我能修改的能力范围了，惭愧，学习了。

wilsonchen2011UID: 3137568

20# jenniferso
第三个论点其实我应该说得更明白，就是大学生对未来即将出生的一代也影响很大，他们作为高素质的父母可以更加关注下一代的成长。
你可以看到我在结尾段都总结了，higher expenditure对应第一段，better talent training对应第二段，more profound influence对应第三段。
所以第四段一开头最好就应该点出现在的大学生对未来即将出生的那一代有深刻的影响。
我在原文处将这一段已经修改过了，你看看这样改好一点没，谢谢啦。

jennifersoUID: 3132548

21# wilsonchen2011

better..更深层次的探究可以说是有高学历的父母影响到孩子带动了整体教育水平的提高从而有利于国家的发展。
不过论述这个观点的时候要小心一些，以防说到反面论点，会成为孩子的教育更重要。

我觉得在论据上，个人看法不同，所以论据的意见不是大问题，主要是要直接跟自己的论点挂上钩就好。

jackchen823UID: 2767008

写的很好的~期待你的回改！