argument117. 感觉句式还是很生硬。那位大侠指导一下，不甚感激！

hustzwjUID：203387

―――题目argument117―――

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

-----正文-----

写作思路：
1．        Survey是否可信？survey类的那一大堆。
2．        If survey可信，那由take work home就一定能得出take machines home吗？
3．        即使take machine home,那Valu-Mart就一定能盈利吗？―――――有两个possibility. A:本地还有卖同类产品的company. 顾客不一定到valu-mart 来买！（卖出的产品数量） B: author未考虑cost的问题！（差价问题）

First, the reliability of the survey is problematic.  Secondly, the argument assumes a causal relationship. In addition, the argument fails to examine alternative explanations.

In weighing the soundness of the survey, one must consider the integrity and honesty of the respondents. While the author say nothing about the relationship between the respondents and the surveyor, it is possible that the respondents provide the expected answers which automatically lead to the survey results. Besides, one must also consider how the survey was conducted. If the questions were intrinsically designed in favor of the expected survey results, we could not accept the author’s conclusion. Depending on the total number and the working place of the respondents, the 70% mentioned in the argument is also open to question. It is possible that most of these respondents come from the same company which requires the employees to take more work home while most other companies do not. Such factors all could explain the survey results well and undermine the reliability of the survey.

Even if the survey result is believable, the argument is still questionable. The author takes it for granted that the respondents who take more work home will take the home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines home. It might be the situation that these respondents already have the machines for daily use their homes and therefore, they need not to take the machines home at all or they take other necessary tools home. In this case, the author’s suggestion that Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machines is absurd.

Even if all the above assumptions by author are true, the author has insufficient evidence to suggest that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stocks of these machines. Instead, he should consider where the respondents mainly come from.

The author also fails to consider other factors that influence the profit of Valu-Mart. It is entirely possible that there are many corporations in the same area which also sell the similar products whose quality is much higher. Thus, the customers are inclined to purchase such machines elsewhere but not in ValuMart. On the other hand, the author should also consider the cost per piece of these machines as well as the temporary prices of them. All these things considered, the author’s conclusion that Valu-Mart’s office supply department will become the most profitable components of their stores is groundless.

To sum up, the argument has several flaws though it seems logical at first. The argument could be persuasive by demonstrate that the respondents needs those machines to finish the work taken home. It could be more convincing by ruling out other possibilities for the expected profit in Valu-Mat.

[ Last edited by hustzwj on 2005-7-29 at 11:21 ]

GladysryUID：198609

我来改。貌似今天会改超过4篇地说~

GladysryUID：198609

赫赫，给改作文找点乐趣，我用你的作文作试验好不好？（不好看不要打我~~:lol）:victory:

First, the reliability of the survey is problematic.  Secondly, the argument assumes a causal relationship. In addition, the argument fails to examine alternative explanations. 赫赫，大家果真在身体力行简洁的开头，赞！

In weighing the soundness of the survey, one must consider the integrity and honesty of the respondents. While the author say nothing about the relationship between the respondents and the surveyor, it is possible that the respondents provide the expected answers which automatically lead to the survey results. 寒，这种阴暗面也被你找出来了，真是microscopic analyzeBesides, one must also consider how the survey was conducted. If the questions were intrinsically designed in favor of the expected survey results, we could not accept the author’s conclusion. Depending on the total number and the working place of the respondents, the 70% mentioned in the argument is also open to question. It is possible that most of these respondents come from the same company which requires the employees to take more work home while most other companies do not. Such factors all could explain the survey results well and undermine the reliability of the survey.再赞一个，你的用语比我好多了
Even if the survey result is believable, the argument is still questionable. The author takes it for granted that the respondents who take more work home will take the home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines home. It might be the situation that these respondents already have the machines for daily use their homes and therefore, they need not to take the machines home at all or they take other necessary tools home. In this case, the author’s suggestion that Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machines is absurd.

Even if all the above assumptions by author are true, the author has insufficient evidence to suggest that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stocks of these machines. Instead, he should consider where the respondents mainly come from.

The author also fails to consider other factors that influence the profit of Valu-Mart. It is entirely possible that there are many corporations in the same area which also sell the similar products whose quality is much higher. Thus, the customers are inclined to purchase such machines elsewhere but not in ValuMart. On the other hand, the author should also consider the cost per piece of these machines as well as the temporary prices of them. All these things considered, the author’s conclusion that Valu-Mart’s office supply department will become the most profitable components of their stores is groundless.

To sum up, the argument has several flaws though it seems logical at first. The argument could be persuasive by demonstrate that the respondents needs those machines to finish the work taken home. It could be more convincing by ruling out other possibilities for the expected profit in Valu-Mat.

唉，hustzwj你好强啊，除了第三段的简洁让我有点不适应之外，我真的没找出来什么问题，本来想作试验把这篇文章弄成大花猫，可惜啊~

赫赫，向你学习！你在逻辑和用语方面都比我好很多。

[ Last edited by Gladysry on 2005-7-29 at 22:19 ]

dr_greenUID：193584

-----正文-----
First, the reliability of the survey is problematic.  Secondly, the argument assumes a causal relationship. In addition, the argument fails to examine alternative explanations.
[甚是简洁啊～～～ 不过会不会被看成是万灵药型的套用模板的开头呢 一点点涉及题目内容的文字都没有的说]

In weighing the soundness of the survey, one must consider the integrity and honesty of the respondents. While the author say nothing about the relationship between the respondents and the surveyor, it is possible that the respondents provide the expected answers which automatically lead to the survey results. Besides, one must also consider how the survey was conducted. If the questions were intrinsically designed in favor of the expected survey results, we could not accept the author’s conclusion. Depending on the total number and the working place of the respondents, the 70% mentioned in the argument is also open to question. It is possible that most of these respondents come from the same company which requires the employees to take more work home while most other companies do not. Such factors all could explain the survey results well and undermine the reliability of the survey.

Even if the survey result is believable, the argument is still questionable. The author takes it for granted that the respondents who take more work home will take the home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines home. It might be the situation that these respondents already have the machines for daily use [uses；windows自动更正如是说～] their homes and therefore, they need not to take the machines home at all or they take other necessary tools home. In this case, the author’s suggestion that Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machines is absurd.

Even if all the above assumptions by author are true, the author has insufficient evidence to suggest that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stocks of these machines. Instead, he should consider where the respondents mainly come from. [这里是否需要展开一下 我第一遍看 没看出来你提出的质疑到底是什么。。]

The author also fails to consider other factors that influence the profit of Valu-Mart. It is entirely possible that there are many corporations in the same area which also sell the similar products whose quality is much higher. Thus, the customers are inclined to purchase such machines elsewhere but not in ValuMart. On the other hand, the author should also consider the cost per piece of these machines as well as the temporary prices of them. All these things considered, the author’s conclusion that Valu-Mart’s office supply department will become the most profitable components of their stores is groundless.

To sum up, the argument has several flaws though it seems logical at first. The argument could be persuasive by demonstrate that the respondents needs those machines to finish the work taken home. It could be more convincing by ruling out other possibilities for the expected profit in Valu-Mat.

[慕名而来～～果然是名不虚传啊～～～～强的 我觉的论述都满清晰的; 只是开头的地方这样可不可以我不是很有把握]

PS 我也写过这篇 和你的思路差不多的说～～但是再语言上差很远 如果你有时间可不可以帮我看看 提提意见呀 谢谢！！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=307949

[ Last edited by dr_green on 2005-7-29 at 21:36 ]

echostateUID：194935

First, the reliability of the survey is problematic.  Secondly, the argument assumes a causal relationship. In addition, the argument fails to examine alternative explanations. [我就喜欢简洁的开头，不过你这种风格第一次见：P]

In weighing the soundness of the survey, one must consider the integrity and honesty of the respondents. While the author say nothing about the relationship between the respondents and the surveyor, it is possible that the respondents provide the expected answers which automatically lead to the survey results. Besides, one must also consider how the survey was conducted. If the questions were intrinsically designed in favor of the expected survey results, we could not accept the author’s conclusion. Depending on the total number and the working place of the respondents, the 70% mentioned in the argument is also open to question. It is possible that most of these respondents come from the same company which requires the employees to take more work home while most other companies do not. Such factors all could explain the survey results well and undermine the reliability of the survey.
[对于你这段的写法，我一直有一个问题。实际上提出的是所有survey的通用的质疑。相当多的斑竹很推荐这种写法——即见到survey就先来这么一系列的质疑。但是，也有一个问题——越泛化的质疑——就是那些是个survey就能往上放的质疑，越不精彩。实际上，我自己不喜欢挑那些，文章里没有给线索的错误。比如，人家没有提conductor，甚至没有给出一点conductor不中立的暗示。我们照样可以质疑conductor，但是感觉这样的错误不是最精彩的。再比如，人家没提样本数量，咱们非说“你的样本数量是不是不足啊？是不是只有300人参加？”等等。感觉上，至少不是最精彩的驳斥。]
[不过，实际上我自己的文章也是这么挑错的~~~~ -_-]

Even if the survey result is believable, the argument is still questionable. The author takes it for granted that the respondents who take more work home will take the home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines home. It might be the situation that these respondents already have the machines for daily use their homes and therefore, they need not to take the machines home at all or they take other necessary tools home. In this case, the author’s suggestion that Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machines is absurd. [列举他因只列了一个，看看6分范文，我觉得应该是每一个段落都充分展开——列举他因也要充分发挥想象力，至少找两个他因。比如你可以加一个，这些东西是用成本很贵——特别是打印机的墨盒，所以他们就算没有也不会自己买，而是第二天到单位打去——何况他们是被迫加班！]

Even if all the above assumptions by author are true, the author has insufficient evidence to suggest that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stocks of these machines. Instead, he should consider where the respondents mainly come from. [这段，基本没展开啊。不如不要，把时间花在充实其他段落上。我自己测算过，以我的打字速度（我学计算机的，老编程了，当然我的模板还不熟），三个攻击段都充分展开的话，加上间接的开头结尾，已经500字了，可以了。如果一定写4个攻击段的话，结果是原有的段落的展开肯定不充分——还不如不要呢。不是所有的漏洞都要写到才是最好的文章，我觉得。]

The author also fails to consider other factors that influence the profit of Valu-Mart. It is entirely possible that there are many corporations in the same area which also sell the similar products whose quality is much higher. Thus, the customers are inclined to purchase such machines elsewhere but not in ValuMart. On the other hand, the author should also consider the cost per piece of these machines as well as the temporary prices of them. All these things considered, the author’s conclusion that Valu-Mart’s office supply department will become the most profitable components of their stores is groundless. [质疑profit没有问题，因为原文中有“profitable”这个词，所以“暗示了”考生要攻击这个。我觉得，任何一个合适的攻击点，在原文中都是有“暗示”的。从这个方面看，动不动就攻击conductor，样本数量，不是一个好办法。我觉得仅当文章中出现了conductor是谁，或者样本是300个之类的话时候，攻击才是切中要害
的~~]

To sum up, the argument has several flaws though it seems logical at first. The argument could be persuasive by demonstrate that the respondents needs those machines to finish the work taken home. It could be more convincing by ruling out other possibilities for the expected profit in Valu-Mat.

echostateUID：194935

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D2
指教~~