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提纲 1.printed book 更安全，更易于资料的保存，不像在电脑上，一有病毒资料就全没了。 2.一直在电脑上看书不利于健康，有损视力或者引起其他疾病。相对来说，阅读printed book 更有利于健康。 3.看printed book本身也是一件很享受的事情，这种状态无法被电子书替代（略）。
When color-TV（加上连字符好一些） firstly comes into our daily life, once somebody（some one 不能用somebody） argued that we would finally loose（用一个高级短语替换： abandon... in favor of... ) 我帮你把整个句子改写下变成：(When the color-TV initially stepped into our daily life, some one argued that we would finally abandon magazines or newspapers as a traditionally primary way for our absorbing and accepting information in favor of electronic instruments or equipments like E-mail, Electronic papers and so forth, for the simple reason is that printed book seems to be less attractive, fascinating and exciting） our magazines or newspapers because they would be less attractive. But they were wrong.(这里不要如此坚决的就否决，即使说 they were not correct 都比直接说wrong要好得多。) We watch TV as well as read articles in printed papers and we enjoyed(注意平行结构，and 前后时态要一致。) the both in our leisure time. Now, somebody（some one） gives（不要用 give，改用 pose） another hypothesis that students will not use printed books any more in the next twenty years from now on, I can hardly agree with this. I believe printed book will last(will be available in a long run. 会更加正式) and have( 删除have 改用then play) its role in our life. 读完第一段感觉楼主语言功底还可以，不过语言上还有些细微问题，希望楼主多练习高级词汇和短语以及长句和短句搭配的能力，在自己能掌控的范围内，尽量加大句子的层次性和复杂度。另外是你文章本身模板套路还是很明显的，IBT作文虽然可以大量使用模板，但是这种模版化用多了也会出问题。希望楼主能多变换一下文章结构，而不仅仅是停留在句式和词汇的层次上。 ( ?7 z. V+ y! i) J4 p5 s c
Although computer is a great （kind of）invention （把这里的and删除）through which we can do a lot of things, like reading online, it is not a perfect machine which can take the place of printed books(这个分句有问题，我看不懂。 我猜你想这么说：it is still not a perfect machine that functions as same role as printed book.). Printed books are not easy to take, but they are easy to keep（作文下面句子的引领句，这里不能说的这么抽象，要具体一点。）. We have them in our hand, on our bookshelf and inside our room, we can see them and we feel they are safe there（这里有问题，会让人看不懂。前面 can see them and fee... 这里太抽象，TOEFL写作中切忌这些话，这是在口语中说比较合适的。）. But when we say （that 要用正式文体，that 宾语从句引导词不能省略）we have e-books in computer, there will be nothing（to be） left when the machine（machine前面已经用过了，这里考虑换换词汇吧。） is attacked by hacker. So, books in computer is(单复数问题，这种语法错误考试时候要绝对避免，太煞风景了！！！) just like books in a bad man's(这种表达也是不行的，可以举例说,irresponsible or delinquent cashier 这样表达即贴切又显示出你过人的词汇量和形象化的思维，所以希望楼主从今天开始在词汇上多下功夫吧。) hand, when he is happy, he can give（take） the books to me but when he filled with anger, my books will be torn, so they are not safe. I need luck to read it, as I need luck to let the hacker away from my computer. （这一段写的有些失败！！！）
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On the other hand, if we did not use printed books any more after twenty years, （这是什么？？？ 到底什么时态？？？ 读到这我大脑不转动了？？？）people will have a bad eye-sight and maybe related （不能这么表达）diseases, because they watches the computer screen all day long. As we all know, the computer screen is bad for our eyes, especially when we sit before it for a long time----over two hours. But as a college student, we have heavy load to read essays（我帮你改写后：we have to read essays and other relative materials from manifold subjects or courses, under a heavy pressure, in substantially great amount.） and other materials, if we do not have printed books, the only way is reading them on computer, it is of course far beyond two hours a day. So, maybe we were（时态和前面又不一致了！！！） all wearing glasses and would have a pear-like shape at that time (by a sedentary lifestyle).
However, (可以用关联词，或者 In conclusion.等等)Printed book has its both advantages and disadvantages, but the disadvantages are miner（minor 拼写错误，这种词不能错的。另外这句话为什么不写成比较级呢？ are miner than that in advantages） and it is not the reason(that ) we will not use it any more. I really enjoy the time with a book in hand in our library at a sunny afternoon, and printed books is（主谓一致问题。。。） my treasures in my reading room. Moreover, as(不要总用 as, 可以用 In full consideration of the weaknesses and negtive aspects of reading E-books for our eye-sight) read e-books is bad to our eye-sight (is vulnerable to harm by .... 换换句型，多使用高级词汇。 这样文章才漂亮，赢得阅卷人的欣赏几率大些。), I would like to choose printed books which is （单复数问题）good to my health. So, I do not think printed books will（will be out of our life (用die out 也可以)out of our sight是从我们视线中消失。。。） out of our life even in the next twenty years from now on. 文章总体来说还可以，语言错误后面比较严重，主谓一致的问题一定要注意，另外提纲不错，只是你表达的有问题，有些地方很serious。。。 必须要注意，另外就是语言上句式中变化太小，不能做到长短句结合，句式结构十分单一，词汇也很贫乏，高级词汇和同义词替换能力欠佳。还有很多处很Chinglish。。。 这些都很致命！！！ TOEFL写作就是语言能力的评估和较量！！！ 建议楼主先从基础开始做起。切实可行的提高自己的词汇和造句能力。 更加具体的你加我QQ，我和你说吧。总之按照我一贯的GRE语言来说的话，有很多地方很serious。 TOEFL，虽然不要很漂亮的语言，但是至少要用正确的语言表达。 QQ：658561 | 
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发表于 2009-5-6 15:41:22
发表于 2009-5-10 23:35:38
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