0910AW 同主题写作第一期 ISSUE13 by 米丽水

米丽水UID：2637300

TOPIC: ISSUE13 - "Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct."
WORDS: 471          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2009-9-2 12:12:52
Lesser-known languages are those languages spoken by  a small group of people, not as popular as Chinese, English, Spanish and so on. Because of many reasons, they are ealily losing.
One reason is that the population speaking them becomes less. War, disease, hunger, poverty  can reduce a people or even distory them. Like many tibes in Africa, admittedly, there live many different cricle of aborginals, who make a living by hunting, fishing and others. They lack commuciations with the wide world so it is easy for them to get sick and can't get aided. There will be a great change in their living conditions for they feed the local plants which can't always satify their needs. Besides, there also occurs conficts beteen two tibes  that resuts in decreasing of their people of the same tribe.
Another is that the languages they use are difficult to understood by other races when they make trades. Usually, the language on the side of less developed gives way to that of the developed, the same way of  Chinese and English. As a result, they gradually have to  give up their own language.
A kind of language is not just a mask or a singal , and the most impotant, it is the tool with which the culture passed down by generations. By reading relative materials, one can find a particular culture exsting in the world and even be amazed to discover that two races, far from each other, can keep the very same habit ! Once it disappeared, one could imagine it is the loss of our world and we never have the chance to appove this culture did ever exist, may be we can only deduce some information from pieces of matters.
Therefore, the lesser-konwen language should be protested from disappearing.
Not in all the regions where such a language could be pevented by a government since there is no government. In this case, it is the world organizations who should take some measures. For example, the group should give aid to these districts and interfere with the clashes between the two tribes. In this point, the world organization is doing well. As for those regions where there is a government, it is their duty to fund for keep their own lauguage. Their language can be known by world through the internet, the broatcast, the telivision, the newspaper so that those intested in it can learn. A special department should be built where a large group of experts can study it
. In addition, biligual languages should be conducted from the children for the conviencen of exchange with other nations.
In sum, the lesser-known languages should be protected from extinction for the sake of different cultures in the world. It is our world and the government who should take effective steps to keep them.

xwloveUID：2481588

45分钟搞定，太厉害了
Lesser-known languages are those languages spoken by  a small group of people, not as popular as Chinese, English, Spanish and so on. Because of many reasons, they are ealily losing（？开篇是否有文章的主题句，你的主要观点要到文章的中间挑出来，确实有点难为阅卷人）.
One reason is that the population speaking them becomes less.（主题句，good） War, disease, hunger, poverty  can reduce a people or even distory （destroy） them（？到底单数还是复数，confused）. Like many tibes （tribes）in Africa, admittedly, there live many different cricle of aborginals（？单词拼写错误）, who make a living by hunting, fishing and others. They lack commuciations with the wide world so it is easy for them to get sick and can't get aided. There will be a great change in their living conditions for（for在这里作连词，但是是这样用的吗？或者要加上逗号？feed表示“吃饭, 用餐”是及物动词还是不及物动词） they feed the local plants which can't always satify their needs. Besides, there also occurs conficts （这种用法可行否？请确认一下there和occur的用法）beteen two tibes that resuts in decreasing of their people of the same tribe（有点读不懂）.
Another is that the languages they use are difficult to understood（语法错误） by other races when they make trades. Usually, the language on the side of less developed gives way to that of the developed, the same way of  Chinese and English（有点怀疑，有点难懂，但是保留意见）. As a result, they gradually have to  give up their own language.
A kind of language is not just a mask or a singal , and the most impotant, it is the tool with which the culture passed down by generations. By reading relative materials, one can find a particular culture exsting in the world and even be amazed to discover that two races, far from each other, can keep the very same habit ! Once it disappeared, one could imagine it is the loss of our world and we never have the chance to appove this culture did ever exist, may be we can only deduce some information from pieces of matters.
Therefore, the lesser-konwen language should be protested from disappearing.
Not in all the regions where such a language could be pevented by a government since there is no government. In this case, it is the world organizations who should take some measures. For example, the group should give aid to these districts and interfere with the clashes between the two tribes. In this point, the world organization is doing well. As for those regions where there is a government, it is their duty to fund for keep （语法错误）their own lauguage. Their language can be known by world（the world） through the internet, the broatcast, the telivision（单词拼写）, the newspaper so that those （who，引导词作为主语的时候能省略吗）intested （单词拼写）in it can learn. A special department should be built where a large group of experts can study it
. In addition, biligual languages should be conducted from the children for the conviencen（拼写错误） of exchange with（exchange虽然可以作名词，但是个人觉得ing形式更为稳妥） other nations.
In sum, the lesser-known languages should be protected from extinction for the sake of different cultures in the world. It is our world and the government who should take effective steps to keep them.

总体评价：
ps：由于本人也是菜鸟，所以本人评价不一定恰当，请原谅。但是我很认真地改了，却深感力不从心。
总体上，非常好。但是比较突出的问题在于：
1. ISSUE写作有一定的套路，可能你需要更加深入钻研和理解。
2. 语法错误比较多
3.单词拼写错误多
这些缺陷我发现我也很明显，可能是某些童鞋的共同特征，至于怎么解决，我相信你比我更清楚。

不好意思，冒犯了。

leopard2009UID：2596872

Lesser-known languages are those languages spoken by  a small group ofpeople, not as popular as Chinese, English, Spanish and so on. Becauseof many reasons, they are ealil\??是easily吗 losing.
作者好像只表明了对于题目中第一句的观点。但是感觉本题目的重点不是第一句，二是第二句，当地政府是否应该保护当地的语言
One reason is that the population speaking them becomes\become less. War,disease, hunger, poverty  can reduce a people or even distory them.Like many tibes in Africa, admittedly, there live many different cricleof aborginals, who make a living by hunting, fishing and others. Theylack commuciations\好像communications作为复数是交通的意思哈 with the wide world so it is easy for them to getsick and can't get aided. There will be a great change in their livingconditions for they feed the local plants which can't always satifytheir needs. Besides, there also occurs conficts beteen two tibes  thatresuts in decreasing of their people of the same tribe.
拼写错误比较多，上一楼改了很多。
Another is that the languages they use are difficult to be understood byother races when they make trades. Usually, the language on the side of theless developed gives way to that of the developed, the same wayof  Chinese and English 什么意思哈. As a result, they gradually have to 去掉have to give uptheir own language.
A kind of language is not just a mask or a singal , and the mostimpotant, most importantly, it is the tool with which the culture passed down bygenerations. By reading relative materials, one can find a particularculture exsting in the world and even be amazed to discover that tworaces, far from each other, can keep the very same habit ! Once itdisappeared, one could imagine it is the loss of our world and we neverhave the chance to appove this culture did ever exist, may be we canonly deduce some information from pieces of matters.
Therefore, the lesser-konwen language should be protested from disappearing. 这句话应该放在第一段
Not in all the regions where such a language could be pevented by agovernment since there is no government. In this case, it is the worldorganizations who should take some measures. For example, the groupshould give aid to these districts and interfere with the clashesbetween the two tribes. In this point, the world organization is doingwell. As for those regions where there is a government, it is theirduty to fund for keep their own lauguage. Their language can be knownby world through the internet, the broatcast, the telivision, thenewspaper so that those intested in it can learn. A special departmentshould be built where a large group of experts can study it
. In addition, biligual languages should be conducted from the children for the conviencen of exchange with other nations.
这段的内容在首段都没有提及
In sum, the lesser-known languages should be protected from extinctionfor the sake of different cultures in the world. It is our world andthe government who should take effective steps to keep them.

按照英文的思维方式，首段就应该直奔主题。本文主要用的中文的写作思路，一步一步推出主题，这种思维不适应英文的议论文的写作。
还有拼写错误太多，大多由楼上一层的同学修改了。建议楼主先自查一下拼写，然后再贴出来。不然很占修改同学的时间。