0910AW SPECTACULAR之【同主题写作】第五期ARGUMENT65 by xdjtf

xdjtfUID: 2615699

TOPIC: ARGUMENT65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."



The recommendation given by the author seems at first glance reasonable. The author prove the conclusion based on the following reasoning: first, in the last year, the domestic cheese had the best sales record; second, the feedback from the subscribers of a magazine indicates they favor domestic cheese; third, the imported cheese wastes the resource of the inventory, to improve the profits, therefore, the company should stop to continuously stock the imported cheese. However, as far as I am concerned, the inference is doubtful and untenable


In the first place, it is not convincing enough to conclude the domestic cheese is more favorable than the imported cheese solely in light of the sales record of the newest store, that is, since this company has a chain of cheese stores located throughout United States, the condition reflected by the newest store does not represent the overall selling situation of the cheese. Meanwhile, the author mentions that the cheddar cheese which is merely one sort of domestic cheese is the best-selling one; however, whether numerous other cheese produced at home are as favorable as the cheddar cheese is still dubious.



In the second place, the response of the subscribers shows they prefer the domestic cheese; however, this does not necessarily imply that they will not purchase the imported cheese at all, in other words, the author fails to prove the predominant strength of the domestic cheese, which means the demand of the consumers for the imported cheese may be still high and thus this kind of cheese will probably account for a large amount of the market.



Finally, in order to increase the profit of the company, the author suggests, considering the poor sales record and consumers’ feedback of the imported cheese, the company should mainly focus on the domestic cheese by means of reducing the stock of the imported cheese; notwithstanding, the author fails to substantiate the fact that the domestic cheese has higher profit rate which is weighted by the revenue against the expenses than its counterpart. The truth is, even if the domestic cheese has taken a majority of the cheese market, the imported cheese which probably has same income with far lower cost may be more profitable, and therefore, it is not persuasive to demonstrate the necessity of discontinuing to stock the imported cheese.


In sum, the condition revealed by the material is informative and the suggestion given by the author may be potentially helpful. But, unless the author can buttress the argument by pinpointing the direct causal relation between the evidence listed and the conclusion, an immature recommendation may be misleading and pose more loss.

cnwzlyUID: 2634423

1# xdjtf

The recommendation given by the author seems at first glance reasonable. The author proves the conclusion based on the following reasoning( hypothesis): firstly, in the last year, the domestic cheese had the best sales record; secondly, the feedback from the subscribers of a magazine indicates they favor domestic cheese; thirdly, the imported cheese wastes the resource of the inventory, 有点逻辑问题，标点改成句号，因为therefore没有连词的词性to improve the profits, therefore, the company should stop to continuously stock the imported cheese.这样开头感觉不是很好，但挺清晰 However, as far as I am concerned, the inference is doubtful and untenable

In the first place, it is not convincing enough to conclude the domestic cheese is more favorable than the imported cheese solely in light of the sales record of the newest store, 改句号比较好吧，这句改成一个从句可能更好的说明不能单一的根据新店的销量来看受欢迎程度that is, since this company has a chain of cheese stores located throughout United States, the condition reflected by the newest store 是不是表达上总感觉别扭，好像没有什么被动的感觉，我猜你想说的是新店反应的情况吧 the condition the newest store reflects是不是好点，does not represent the overall selling situation of the cheese. Meanwhile, the author mentions that the cheddar cheese which is merely one sort of domestic cheese is the best-selling one感觉从句里的内容如果和主句的谓语及之后的内容换下是不是逻辑更通点，就是说作者提及的卖的最好的cheddar cheese仅仅是国内品牌的一种，强调的地方换了下; however, whether numerous other cheese produced at home are as favorable as the cheddar cheese is still dubious.

In the second place, the response of the subscribers shows they prefer the domestic cheese; however, this does not necessarily imply that they will not purchase the imported cheese at all, in other words这个介词短语应该不能当连词吧, the author fails to prove the predominant strength这个词组我没明白，用dominance of the domestic cheese, 这里最好是转折吧比如用in contrast ,因为后面的毕竟不是完全的解释前者which means the demand of the consumers for the imported cheese may be still high and thus this kind of cheese will probably account for a large amount of the market.我觉得应该抓住这篇argument的主题，就是要盈利，这样就觉得最后一句话最好能提及下盈利的问题，或者至少是喜欢进口的奶酪

Finally, in order to increase the profit of the company, the author suggests, considering the poor sales record and consumers’ feedback of the imported cheese, the company should mainly focus on the domestic cheese by means of reducing the stock of the imported cheese;这段描述是不是太长了，毕竟前面你分析的都是这些，用个even assuming 加个短语就可以概括了notwithstanding, the author fails to substantiate the fact that the domestic cheese has higher profit rate which is weighted by the revenue against the expenses than its counterpart. 这个感觉不错的推理The truth is, even if the domestic cheese has taken a majority of the cheese market, the imported cheese which probably has same income 逻辑有问题吧，国内产品占据大部分市场，一般指的就是市场份额，即整个市场的金额吧，这里怎么还对半分with far lower cost may be more profitable, and therefore, it is not persuasive to demonstrate the necessity of discontinuing to stock the imported cheese.

In sum, the condition revealed by the material is informative and the suggestion given by the author may be potentially helpful. But, unless the author can buttress 好词哦，我一直没想到过the argument by pinpointing the direct causal relation between the evidence listed and the conclusion, an immature recommendation may be misleading and pose more loss.这个建议提的太模糊了。很模板

第一次在这批改。有什么不对，请见谅外加指教,而且第一次在网上改，比如颜色什么的都设置的很别扭

snail8843UID: 2516929

1# xdjtf

The recommendation given by the author seems at first glance reasonable. The author prove the conclusion based on the following reasoning: first, in the last year, the domestic cheese had the best sales record; second, the feedback from the subscribers of a magazine indicates they favor domestic cheese; third, the imported cheese wastes the resource of the inventory, to improve the profits, therefore, the company should stop to continuously stock the imported cheese. However, as far as I am concerned, the inference is doubtful and untenable.


In the first place, it is not convincing enough to conclude the domestic cheese is more favorable than the imported cheese solely in light of the sales record of the newest store, that is, since this company has a chain of cheese stores located throughout United States, the condition reflected by the newest store does not represent the overall selling situation of the cheese. Meanwhile, （这个错误觉得有些多余，作者要说明的是5种最高销量的奶酪是国内生产地，至于非威州的国内奶酪是不是销量好没什么关系。因为他们完全可以因为威的奶酪好卖而转投国内奶酪阵营）the author mentions that the cheddar cheese which is merely one sort of domestic cheese is the best-selling one; however, whether numerous other cheese produced at home are as favorable as the cheddar cheese is still dubious.



In the second place, the response of the subscribers shows they prefer the domestic cheese; however, this does not necessarily imply that they will not purchase the imported cheese at all, in other words, the author fails to prove the predominant strength of the domestic cheese, which means the demand of the consumers for the imported cheese may be still high and thus this kind of cheese will probably account for a large amount of the market. (这确实是个错误，但攻击的说服力不强，没有论证过程，都是论点)
Finally, in order to increase the profit of the company, the author suggests, considering the poor sales record and consumers’ feedback of the imported cheese, the company should mainly focus on the domestic cheese by means of reducing the stock of the imported cheese; notwithstanding, the author fails to substantiate the fact that the domestic cheese has higher profit rate which is weighted by the revenue against the expenses than its counterpart.（TS好靠后） The truth is, even if the domestic cheese has taken a majority of the cheese market, the imported cheese which probably has same income with far lower cost may be more profitable, and therefore, it is not persuasive to demonstrate the necessity of discontinuing to stock the imported cheese.(这个错误攻击的还是很好的)


In sum, the condition revealed by the material is informative and the suggestion given by the author may be potentially helpful. But, unless the author can buttress the argument by pinpointing the direct causal relation between the evidence listed and the conclusion, an immature recommendation may be misleading and pose more loss.(你的a的文章结尾段都很相似，太形式化了，没有具体的实质性内容)