cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 wanghugigi 的 第18次作业

wanghugigiUID: 2465119

第一次交作业，写了一下午才写完。。。

One argument states that higher educationshould be open to everyone, regardless of background. The opposing argumentsays that only the elite students should be allowed to proceed. Discuss theseideas. Do you agree or disagree? Explain why. 教育

Many people argue that everyone, regardlessof background, has the right to gain higher education, while others stress thatonly the elite students should be permitted to proceed. According to myunderstanding, some criterions should be satisfied for students who wouldattend higher education organizations, although education should be fair toeveryone.

Admittedly, as one of the most significantcharacteristics of a civilized and developed society, every citizen in acountry should have the equal right to study in education organizations. Thatis, education should be open to everyone, regardless of color, race, creed oranything else. For example, a child who is a son of a poor family could betreated as well as a child whose parents have a big company, when it comes toeducation. Fortunately, in most countries elementary education is compulsoryfor all children, and even is for free in some countries, for example, inChina.

However, higher education is not suitablefor everyone. Firstly, the purpose of higher education is to offer aspecialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity or foremployment in higher positions in business, industry and government. But agreat number of careers, which is necessary for a society, are not requiredhigher education. We need Edison to invent the lamp, Obama to govern the U.S.,while we also need cleaners to clean the street, postmen to send package.Unfortunately, more and more parents force their children to study hard toobtain offers from a university, because they believe that an advanced degreeis equal to success. In China, more than 10,000,000 students take the College EntranceExamination every year. Second, some criterions which are of great importance,for example a relative high intelligence, should be satisfied for the studentswho intend to pursue further study in higher education organizations, since thehigher education is very difficult for the individual of a relative lowintelligence. Thus, it is necessary that a rule should be established to selectstudents to attend higher education organizations.

Furthermore, higher education can not beopen to everyone since the resource of higher education is limited. There is acertain number of university or college in a country, and those universitiesown a limited number of teachers and classrooms. It is impossible that everyonecould obtain higher education. Take China for example, although over 1 millionstudents take the College Entrance Examination, only 50% would be permitted. Tooptimize the resource, the elite students should be allowed to proceed becausethey are more likely to bring a huge contribution to society.

Everyone has a fair opportunity to competefor admittance to a high education organization, but rules should beestablished to select suitable candidates.

wanghugigiUID: 2465119

自己又修改了一下。



Many people argue that everyone, regardlessof their background, has the right to gain higher education, while othersstress that only the elites should be permitted to proceed. In my opinion, someproper criterions should be established to select students who attend collegesor graduate schools, although education should be fair to everyone.

Admittedly, as one of the most significantcharacteristics of a civilized and developed society, every citizen in acountry should have the equal right to access educational resources. That is,education should be open to everyone, regardless of color, race, creed oranything else. For example, a child who is a son of a poor family could betreated fairly as a child whose parents own a big company, when it comes toeducation. Fortunately, in most countries, elementary education is compulsoryfor all children, and even is for free in some countries, for example, in China.

However, higher education is not suitablefor everyone. Firstly, the purpose of higher education is to offer aspecialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity or foremployment in higher positions in business, industry and government. But agreat number of careers, which are necessary for a society, does not requirehigher education. We need Edison to invent the lamp, Obama to govern the UnitedStates, while we also need cleaners to clean the street, postmen to deliver packages. Unfortunately, more and more parents force their children to study hard to obtainoffers from universities, because they believe that an advanced degree is equalto career success. In China, more than 10,000,000 students take the College EntranceExamination every year. Second, some criterions which are of great importance,for example a relative high intelligence, should be satisfied for the studentswho intend to pursue further study in higher education organizations, since thehigher education is very difficult for the individual of a relative lowintelligence. Thus, it is necessary that a rule should be established to selectstudents to attend higher education organizations.

Furthermore, higher education can not beopen to everyone since the resource of higher education is limited. There is acertain number of university or college in a country, and those universitiesown a limited number of teachers and classrooms. It is impossible that everyonecould obtain higher education. Take China for example, although over 1 millionstudents take the College Entrance Examination, only 50% would be permitted. Tooptimize the resource, the elite students should be allowed to proceed becausethey are more likely to bring a huge contribution to the society.

Everyone should have a fair opportunity tocompete for admittance to a high education organization, but rules should beestablished to select suitable candidates.

hyacinthUID: 2184492

Many people argue that everyone, regardless of their background, has the right to gain higher education, while others stress that only the elites should be permitted to proceed.(nice alternatives for the statement ) In my opinion, some proper criterions should be established to select students who attend colleges or graduate schools, although education should be fair to everyone.

Admittedly, as one of the most significant characteristics of a civilized and developed society, every citizen in a country should have the equal right to access educational resources. That is,education should be open to everyone, regardless of color, race, creed or anything else. For example, a child who is a son of a poor family could (should or could?) be treated fairly as a child whose parents own a big company, when it comes to education. Fortunately, in most countries, elementary education is compulsory for all children, and even is (you can take "is " off here) for free in some countries, for example, in China.

However,(as someone has pointed out before, when you use however in the beginning of a paragraph, it is the same as "no matter how" . so ...use nevertheless/nonetheless instead) higher education is not suitable for everyone. Firstly, the purpose of higher education is to offer a specialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity or foremployment in higher positions in business, industry and government. But a great number of careers, which are necessary for a society, does (-> do) not require higher education. We need Edison to invent the lamp, Obama to govern the United States, while we also need cleaners to clean the street, postmen to deliver packages. (you might need a transition sentence here...) Unfortunately, more and more parents force their children to study hard to obtain offers from universities, because they believe that an advanced degree is equal to career success. In China, more than 10,000,000 students take the College Entrance Examination every year.(nice examples so far. but examples are supposed to be evidences for your argument. so tell the readers what conclusions can you draw after giving these examples!)  Second, some criterions which are of great importance,for example a relative high intelligence, should be satisfied for the students who intend to pursue further study in higher education organizations, since the higher education is very difficult for the individual of a relative low intelligence.(to be honest, i dont like your second point of view...it's kind of offensive to those so called retarded students, who probably are not so good at study but could be real genius in music, art and stuffs. so why dont you change it into something more persuasive and not so discriminating, like the fact that lots of people cannot affort a higher education. but on second thought i guess all I said doesnt matter because it seems to be unfair to the poor. anyway, it is not a good idea to say something that might be offensive to a minority of people. at least i wont use it as an argument) Thus, it is necessary that a rule should be established to selectstudents to attend higher education organizations.

Furthermore, higher education can not be open to everyone since the resource of higher education is limited. There is a certain number of universities or colleges in a country, and those universities own a limited number of teachers and classrooms. It is impossible that everyone could obtain higher education. Take China for example, although over 1 million students take the College Entrance Examination, only 50% would be permitted. To optimize the resource, the elite students should be allowed to proceed because they are more likely to bring a huge contribution to the society.

Everyone should have a fair opportunity to compete for admittance to a high education organization, but rules should be established to select suitable candidates. (there is no transition between the last two paragraphs. and also, just like the other essays i've read a couple of days ago...big head, big body but really short legs...; p... how about dragging your second "admittedly" paragraph here and mixing it up with your current ending to make a nice comprehensive conclusion? )


You know how to use English words and phrases precisely and accurately and these is a lot of changes in the sentence structure.
The casual grammar mistakes are in an acceptable range.
In general, your essay is a good one and deserves a score of at least 27. : ))

wanghugigiUID: 2465119

谢谢斑竹的批改。。。

chineseladyUID: 2403976

在蘑菇的基础上改. 个人觉得语法个句子结构没有什么太大的问题和毛病. 高考那段好像严重点吧, 家长逼迫孩子...而且这个段落个题目和文章主体的连接性不是很大, 可以改改内容. 还有就是高智商底智商的, 很直接呐..!!小心美国佬说你歧视啊.他们就讲这个.

FFtserAphUID: 2641938

本来是该我给楼主改作文的，但是蘑菇斑竹已经行使了他巨大的权利，这样更好了，哇咔咔。
主要是我自身的水平不高，经验也没有斑竹大人丰富。
过来看看主要是来学习来了。
认真拜读后比较同意斑竹大人和翠花MM的观点：
1.楼主用词很精准，句子形式也多，值得我好好学习。
2.智商那段不太合理。

wanghugigiUID: 2465119

谢谢ls两位。。。那段确实得改改。。

happyzhengangUID: 2502624

LS几位都修改的差不过了，我也不知道要加什么了，好的方面就是文章很完整，用词很好之类的，赞
挑一点小刺吧，除了蘑菇说的意见（第三段的问题，还有最后一段没有升华）外，我感觉lZ的文章给人的感觉很宏伟，但是说服力不是很强，特别是第三段从Unfortunately, more and more parents之后就有些呈减弱趋势了，anyway 文章挺不错的
加油

Chelsea_CCUID: 2627394

Many people argue that everyone, regardless of their background, has the right to gain higher education, while others stress that only the elites should be permitted to proceed.(个人不倾向这种类似抄题目的开头) In my opinion, some proper criterions should be established to select students who attend colleges or graduate schools, although education should be fair to everyone.（托福明确指出的 开头点题，我不知道你的审题可不可以，因为你没有说你同意那一方，而是提出了自己的观点，如果可以，请告诉我一下，谢谢~， 另外是不是用higher education会好些~ 因为扣题） 8 `, o1 q* l. l: i
Admittedly, as one of the most significant characteristics of a civilized and developed society, every citizen in a country should have the equal right to access educational resources. That is,education should be open to everyone, regardless of color, race, creed or anything else. For example, a child who is a son of a poor family could (should)be treated fairly as a child whose parents own a big company, when it comes to education.（我感觉这个不是个例子，而是你结论的结果，是要分析问什么吧） Fortunately, in most countries, elementary education is compulsory for all children, and even for free in some countries, for example, in China。（是不是你的admittedly 领的太长了，下一段才到however，因为admittedly… 不是你的主题，所以太多内容有点显得结构松散吧， （个人感觉，希望能讨论一下~））
However, higher education is not suitable for everyone. Firstly, the purpose of higher education is to offer a specialized study to qualify the individual for professional activity or for employment in higher positions in business, industry and government（这一点我欣赏,）. But a great number of careers, which are necessary for a society, does (do) not require higher education. We need Edison to invent the lamp, Obama to govern the United States, while we also need cleaners to clean the street, postmen to deliver packages. （是不是想营造一个生动的效果啊，但是不是很出彩~）Unfortunately, more and more parents force their children to study hard to obtain offers （不是全部的 higher education，例如还有ad，有点缩小范围了,所以有点削弱论证） from universities , because they believe that an advanced degree is equal to career success. In China, more than 10,000,000 students take the College Entrance Examination every year. (这一点我论证的不好，有要向你学习的~ ) Second, some criterions which are of great importance, for example， a relative high intelligence, should be satisfied for the students who intend to pursue further study in higher education organizations, since the higher education is very difficult for the individual of a relative low intelligenc. Thus, it is necessary that a rule should be established to select students to attend higher education organizations.(要知道elite student may not have a relative high intelligence, there still something more important, like EQ) 把上面的段落分为2个? 会不会好些 7 }4 k% o9 d L5 ^ _
Furthermore, higher education can not be open to everyone since the resource of higher education is limited. There is a certain number of universities or colleges in a country, and those universities own a limited number of teachers and classrooms. It is impossible that everyone could obtain higher education. Take China for example, although over 1 million students take the College Entrance Examination, only 50% would be permitted. To optimize the resource, the elite students should be allowed to proceed because they are more likely to bring a huge contribution to the society. (想法居然一样，但喜欢你用的数字)
Everyone should have a fair opportunity to compete for admittance to a high education organization, but rules should be established to select suitable candidates.（结尾很仓促）

你的结构还需完善，论证不是很充分
我对托福独立作文的要求还不是完全清楚，所以只是一点小建议，很多