0910G 同主题写作第七期 ARGU167 大洋彼岸之风小组 By Juventusland

juventuslandUID: 2631955

    Basing on the three-week test results about chronic insomnia, the speaker asserts that lavender cures insomnia. It seems reasonable bas he thinks the course of the experiments are unexceptionable. However, there still exist some mistakes.
    First, there is no evidence that the medication in the first week has not last until the third week. It is possible that one week time, the second week, can eliminate the effect by usual medication. So, in the third week, the usual medication is still effective to subjects. Why they slept longer and more soundly in the third week can be that with the joint action of lavender can strengthen the effectiveness of sleeping medication via some chemical and physical reactions between them. So it is ungrounded attribute the tests in the third week to lavender.
    Even if it is the lavender, not the usual sleeping medication contribute to the results in the third week, there still exist problems which can happen. One possibility is that they sleep longer and more soundly but they wake up more tired in the third week because the lavender has adverse side effects on relaxing people. Moreover, the reports about volunteers in the whole process never mention the time they use to fall asleep, while having difficulty in falling asleep is the biggest problems that insomnias meet. Although people feel waken less tired and sleep more soundly and longer via using lavender, they use more time to fall asleep than ordinary days and days with usual medication. Therefore, it is hard to conclude that lavender cures volunteers’ insomnia.
    However, assuming that lavender cures insomnia of those volunteers, it is not equal to it can cure insomnia. Because those volunteers all suffer chronic insomnia, just a kind, or a branch of insomnia. Lavender is very effective on curing
chronic insomnia. However, different kinds of insomnia are caused by different reasons, so the therapy method are generally not the same. So lavender may act on curing other kinds of insomnia so effectively.
    In sum, the recent studies are useful for us to seek some possible more useful substances which can cure insomnia, but the studies are not very forceful. Whether lavender can cure insomnia demand more perfect studies.

尾羽UID: 2482591

Basing on the three-week test results about chronic insomnia, the speaker asserts that lavender cures insomnia (over a short period of time). It seems reasonable bas (as) he thinks (that) the course of the experiments(course of experiment,我不是很确定这样的表达对不对，建议你保守的就用process就好了) are(is, the course是单数) unexceptionable. However, there still exist(exists) some mistakes.(建议整句改成，However, there are some existed mistakes still.)

First, there is no evidence that the medication in the first week has not last until the third week. (这句话字面来看的意识是，“没有证据表明，药效没有从第一周持续到第三周”也就是说，药效有可能是持续到第三周的，对吧？那么后面一句怎么又说药效有可能是在第二周消除了呢？) It is possible that one week time, the second week, can eliminate the effect by usual medication.(这句话Chinglish的思想太严重了。。。eliminate的主语到哪儿去了？？？这句话的意思是说，“有可能，第一个礼拜的药效会在第二个礼拜消除”，是吗？那下面一句话，怎么又说，“所以，药物作用在第三周仍旧有效”呢？) So, in the third week, the usual medication is still effective to subjects. Why they slept longer and more soundly in the third week can be that with the joint action of lavender (介词短语不能当主语！) can strengthen the effectiveness of sleeping medication via some chemical and physical reactions between them (them指谁？). (WHY开头的这句话语法问题太严重了。。能力有限，我不知道怎么改)So(Thus,) it is ungrounded attribute the tests in the third week to lavender(这句话也有问题，什么意思“ungrounded attribute the tests”?).(这一整段思路可能有些问题，再加上语法错误，我没看懂)

Even if it is the lavender, not the usual sleeping medication contribute to the results in the third week, there still exist (exists) problems which can (may) happen. One possibility is that they sleep longer and more soundly but they wake up more tired in the third week (.句号) because (Because,) the lavender has adverse side effects on relaxing people. Moreover, the reports about volunteers in the whole process never mention (that) the time they use to fall asleep, while having difficulty in falling asleep is the biggest problems that insomnias meet (建议：when people suffers insomnia.我不确定insomnias是否可以表示失眠症患者). Although people feel waken less tired(有这种表达方式吗？这完全是中文语序啊！！！怎么可以这样！) and sleep more soundly and longer via using lavender, they use more time to fall asleep than ordinary days and days with usual medication. Therefore, it is hard to conclude that lavender cures volunteers’ insomnia.

However, (even) assuming that lavender cures insomnia of those volunteers, it is not equal to (that) it can cure insomnia. Because those volunteers all suffer chronic insomnia, just a kind, or a branch of insomnia. Lavender is very effective on curing chronic insomnia. However, different kinds of insomnia are caused by different reasons, so the therapy method are generally not the same. So（你用的SO实在太多了。。。） lavender may act on curing other kinds of insomnia so effectively.(两个短句子里出现三个so，最后一个so还跟前两个的意思不同，请避免这种用词方式！)

In sum, the recent studies are useful for us to seek some possible more useful substances which can cure insomnia, but the studies are not very forceful. Whether lavender can cure insomnia demand (demands) more perfect studies.(建议改成：It demands more perfect studies whether lavender can cure insomnia)

总结下，

1.去掉头尾，中间三段你分别写的是：药效问题（第一段）、第三周感觉起来更累和入睡时间的问题（第二段）、抽样人群是否具有代表性（第三段）。你论述的三段之间，我没有看出一环扣一环的逻辑性，并且，应该以原文的顺序依次攻击比较好，你的有些乱。整体文章结构仍有待加强，还是建议你多看些范文！！

2.你的语法很成问题，需要好好加强。有些很低级的错误。另外我发现你似乎没有让句型和表达形式多样化的意识，句子过于单一呆板，表达方式也太中文化。

3.整篇文章字数略显不够，只有368个单词，应该在400~450左右为好。结尾太简单，只有两句话。在结尾中可以加入一些对原文的要求，比如在试验中增加空白对照组、给出volunteers的具体个人信息等等。

另外，我感觉，你这篇没有101写的认真。是否在30分钟内写完的，所以太过仓促？

juventuslandUID: 2631955

2# 尾羽
谢谢，恩。。我这次是按考试的要求写的。写前页未作准备，AWP用了29分钟完成。。然后就有时间检查，看看控制时间写会怎么样。