[同主题temp]0910G同主题活动第一期－－ISSUE13 by czwk

czwkUID: 2662781

   As the globalization march on, there is increasingly concern about the endangered fate of dialect in this global village. As fewer and fewer people speak them, the lesser-known language is on the edge of extinct. In view of this, someone argues that the government be responsible to redeem the unpopularity of the dialect, nevertheless, I don’t think it’s necessary in most cases.

   

   The unified language takes precedence over the less-known language because it serves as a productivity of modern world wide market. The unified language is favored by the business man for it is easier come to understanding and effective communication. Otherwise, they would be troubled in conversation during the cross-boundary merchants as the transaction cost would increase dramatically. Less-know language inexorable means high cost owning to translation and reduced effective of communication which doomed to extinct according to the rule of jungle.

   There is a famous tale which could further enlighten us about the preliminary role of the same language, the Babel tower. It is said that in the ancient time when people from all over the world used the same language. Our grant ancestors decided to build a excellent tower and expected to get access into the heaven, They gathered and settled in the place of babel. They worked cohesively thanks to effective mutual understanding and the project is nearly to be finished, however, the god decided to frustrate man for their challenge of the heaven. What he do is only making the people in Babel speak different language. People could never get on an agreement from then on and ultimately left the city and scattered into all corners of the world. The wisdom indicated in that effective cooperation with the same language is powerful. If a project of large scale is to be finished as soon as possible, the preliminary prerequisite is that the people involved could understand each other well.

On a personal level, We have no choice but adapt ourselves better though learning the more-known languages, thus we might gain advantage in future's job market. In modern world, the international economic prevails regardless of different realm in both dimension of geology and thought. It is obviously more cost-effective to extend the communication realm in this global village. And I think it is also the best choice to further development of any nation both industrialized or the developing ones. Thus the government has little to do with the endangered fate of dialect worldwide.

    Admittedly, government is responsible for the protection of the language used in the traditional culture as the spiritual treasure of the nation. There comes heavy criticism that the folk culture is on the edge of disappearing as the result of the related local language. In case that the dialect plays a essential role in the ritual of the nation, or some other kind of arts like poems, songs and operas, the language should be conserved and succeeded from generation to generation. If the culture is extinct and totally forgotten, the nation would have no core ideology to maintain a cohesive group. However, the situation that the culture related scenario is far less frequent than that of daily use.

    To sum up, unless the proviso that dialect is essential in maintaining the traditional culture, the unified language has marked advantage over less-known language in benefiting both the nation and its people's welfare in the modern world which depends more on cooperation and mutual understanding than all past eras.

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

As the globalization march on, there is increasingly concern about the endangered fate of dialect in this global village. As fewer and fewer people speak them, the lesser-known language is on the edge of extinct. （个人建议前面这些文字都可以省略掉，因为这些背景的介绍，属于恶俗开头类性之一）In view of this, someone argues that the government be responsible to redeem the unpopularity of the dialect, nevertheless, I don’t think it’s necessary in most cases.
开头红字部分可以完全删除，直接用最后那句话开头就可以，当然，你可以在最后一句话后面在附加一个for the simple reason that …
后面说一些简单的理由概述即可

The unified language takes precedence over the less-known language because it serves as a productivity of modern world wide market. The unified language is favored by the business man for it is easier come to understanding and effective communication. Otherwise, they would be troubled in conversation during the cross-boundary merchants as the transaction cost would increase dramatically. Less-know language inexorable means high cost owning to translation and reduced effective of communication which doomed to extinct according to the rule of jungle. （最后这句话我觉得你的逻辑有问题，Less-know language inexorable并不直接导致high cost owning to translation and reduced effective of communication，举个例子，爱斯基摩人的语言inexorable并不意味着后面的那些结果，真正导致后面结果的是他们除了自己的native language 之外没有掌握一门major language. 这里你回头再调整一下。）

There is a famous tale which could further enlighten us about the preliminary role of the same language, the Babel tower. It is said that in the ancient time when people from all over the world used the same language. Our grant ancestors decided to build a excellent tower and expected to get access into the heaven, They gathered and settled in the place of babel. They worked cohesively thanks to effective mutual understanding and the project is nearly to be finished, however, the god decided to frustrate man for their challenge of the heaven. What he do is only making the people in Babel speak different language. People could never get on an agreement from then on and ultimately left the city and scattered into all corners of the world. The wisdom indicated in that effective cooperation with the same language is powerful. If a project of large scale is to be finished as soon as possible, the preliminary prerequisite is that the people involved could understand each other well.
这段例子没什么可说的，只是感觉似乎可以缩写一下，把大意陈述提炼出来的就可以了。

On a personal level, We have no choice but adapt ourselves better though learning the more-known languages, thus we might gain advantage in future's job market. In modern world, the international economic prevails regardless of different realm in both dimension of geology and thought. 这句话写得不错It is obviously that more cost-effective to extend the communication realm in this global village. And I think (托福写作中你可以这样说，但是GRE是逻辑写作考试，类似这种主观倾向很严重的用词要避免) it is also the best choice to further development of any nation both industrialized or the developing ones. Thus the government has little to do with the endangered fate of dialect worldwide.（这句话根前面一句依然没有必然的因果逻辑关系，要提高沟通效率学习major language 并不一定意味着the government has little to do with the endangered fate of dialect worldwide，要找后者的原因，你应当从政府无能为力、或者心有余而力不足这些角度去阐释）

Admittedly, government is responsible for the protection of the language used in the traditional culture as the spiritual treasure of the nation. There comes heavy criticism that the folk culture is on the edge of disappearing as the result of the related local language’s extinction. In case that the dialect plays a essential role in the ritual of the nation, or some other kind of arts like poems, songs and operas, the language should be conserved and succeeded (说实话，我第一次知道这个词可以这样用) from generation to generation. If the culture is extinct and totally forgotten, the nation would have no core ideology to maintain a cohesive group. However, the situation that the culture related scenario is far less frequent than that of daily use. 这句话出现在这里，给人的感觉很唐突，你这一段的分论点是对那些有价值的承载特殊意义文化的语言要着力保存，但结尾来这么一句，就显得前后矛盾，应当把这句坚决删掉

To sum up, unless the proviso that dialect is essential in maintaining the traditional culture, the unified language has marked advantage over less-known language in benefiting both the nation and its people's welfare in the modern world which depends more on cooperation and mutual understanding than all past eras.

大体感觉是这样，Issue一般写成大负小正，或者大正小负的观点都是比较保险的。你试图写一边倒的观点，但是前后逻辑没有串联起来，并且各分论点的开头TS与结尾句总结没有严密的逻辑关联和呼应，其间还掺杂有模糊推理甚至错误逻辑，鉴于此，还是希望可以先把issue的基本行文策略和逻辑思路理顺一下，毕竟逻辑的考察才是AW的核心。
初期对issue没有感觉，可以参考<issue 5.5>这本书，会给你一个基本可供参照的架构去行文写作。

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