[Big Fish]2月28日Issue130 by-Sansouci

SansouciUID: 2755036

Issue130

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

The speaker claims that the extent of children socialized at present is indeed crucial for the future society, but we don’t know how to guide children to help bring a better society.
I agree insofar as children are socialized today have effluence on society development. Obviously, some other factors would determine the society’s fate, such as technology, innovation, and so forth. And fortunately, we have already learnt something about how to raise children to make society better.

Admittedly, for the purpose of the prosperity of the future society, children are socialized is indeed essential. Society is based on many people. When people are in little age, we not only emphasize on their lessons, but also pay close attention to their interests, capability of cooperation and accommodating personality.

Aside from the foregoing proviso, however, although insufficient, we have already learnt something about how to raise the salt of society. At the development of society level, there’s people have taught children to make efforts by himself/herself to contribute a superior society. For example, the annual Plant’s Day often bring forward by Primary school
, in that day, all the primary school students would plant a tree by him or cooperate with other students. The activity is meaningful, not only cultivate children’s consciousness of environmental protection, but also instruct them to work together. In short, by this activity to exert a subtle influence on children character to develop their associability, cooperation, responsibility, and these all are socialized represent.

However, children are socialized should never be the simply determinant in developing a better society.
In addition there are many factors outside of socialization determine the fate of the community's future, such as human’s innovation, the lever of science, technological progress. For supporting examples one need look no further than Windows System’s father Bill Gates. He and Allen started the engine of Microsoft. With size comes power, Microsoft dominates the PC market with its operating systems, such as Windows and Vista. Now, Microsoft becomes the most popular software company in the world. The technology innovate certainly accelerate development of society and determine society’s fate.

Without socialized children today, society becomes eventually inefficient tomorrow. Without more people ardent contribute society tomorrow, society would standstill today.Thus, while our form of society necessitates everyone, for the sake of construct a better future society, all of us should make our best effort.

cooltozeroUID: 2705603

The speaker claims that the extent of children socialized（这个extent修辞的是children 么？似乎换成，extent of children's cocializtion合适点。） at present is indeed crucial for the future society, but we don’t know how to guide children to help bring a better society. （题目本身只有一句，再这样第一段用来重复题目似乎不太妥）
I agree insofar as children are（are 去掉，否则这名有两个语） socialized today have effluence（influence) on society development. Obviously, some other factors would determine the society’s fate, such as technology, innovation, and so forth. And fortunately, we have already learnt something about how to raise children to make society better.（ 观点清晰，有承认，有批判）

Admittedly, for the purpose of the prosperity of the future society, children are （ are又出现了。）socialized is indeed essential. Society is based on many people. When people are in little age, we not only emphasize on their lessons, but also pay close attention to their interests, capability of cooperation and accommodating personality.

Aside from the foregoing proviso(该用复数吧）, however, although insufficient, we have already learnt something about how to raise the salt of society（比较新颖的词组哈,你在哪儿看到的？）. At（是用as还是at?) the development of society level, there’s people have taught children to make efforts by himself/herself to contribute a superior society（仍有语法问题，两个谓语）. For example, the annual Plant’s Day often bring forward by Primary school（被动语态没用对，改成      `````is brought  forward by``````)
, in that day, all the primary school students would plant a tree(a tree还是trees?) by him or cooperate(cooperating) with other students(这一句有语法的单复数问题）. The activity is meaningful, not only cultivate children’s consciousness of environmental protection, but also instruct them to work together. In short, by this activity to exert a subtle influence on children character to develop their associability, cooperation, responsibility, and these all are socialized represent（这句话什么意思？）.（另外，这句也有语法问题，写句子的时候，一定要弄清楚主干，包括主谓宾，然后才是其它的修饰成分）。    （前面这一部分，承认孩子的社会化对社会发展的作用。但是，你却并没有从理论上立论去证明为什么孩子的社会化会对社会发展起作用。而是直接说，我们已经这样做了。没有逻辑推理。）

However, children are socialized should never be the simply determinant in developing a better society.（这句话怎么理解呢？特别是那个Simply deteminant,换成only deteminant 也许更好。）
In addition there are many factors outside of socialization determine the fate of the community's future, such as human’s innovation, the lever of science, technological progress. For supporting examples one need look no further than Windows System’s father Bill Gates. He and Allen started the engine of Microsoft. With size comes power, Microsoft dominates the PC market with its operating systems, such as Windows and Vista. Now, Microsoft becomes the most popular software company in the world. The technology innovate（invovation) certainly accelerate development of society and determine society’s fate. （文章的第二部分，证明，社会的未来还决定于其它方面，用科持领域的例子论证，逻辑上没有问题。但是， 本题从本质上看是个教育问题，你却没有提到除了孩子的社会化教育之外，对他们进行科技知识教育是多么的重要，而只是止步于社会的未来与科技的 关系，有些不足）

Without socialized children today, society becomes eventually inefficient tomorrow. Without more people ardent contribute society tomorrow, society would standstill today.Thus, while our form of society necessitates everyone, for the sake of construct a better future society, all of us should make our best effort.（这段总结， 属于升化，实质上没有总结本文，甚至看起来跟本文关系不大.不过文采很好)


最后，我作个总结。
语法问题我就不说了。
AW最关心的是逻辑。  你再想想你提出的观点，然后想想你是怎么论证的。
你的观点是，社会的命运不只是决定于孩子的社会化，还有科技等其它方面。  我们看看这里，“孩子的社会化”是讲教育的，“科技，改革”等是讲什么的呢，跟孩子完全无关。 两者好像对应不上啊。 所以，你省题过程中，对本题教育问题的本质没有省清楚。
另外，在论证过程中，你既然先已经提出了观点说社会化以及其它的因素共同决定社会的发展，那么，你在论证“我们已经有方法去培养给社会带来好处的孩子的时候” 又为什么只是讲我们有了教育孩子社会化的方法呢，那他们的科技能力，创新意思，我们有办法培养么？貌似这里不太完整。


以上是我的浅见。
希望共同讨论！！