【Flyer杀G作文组】argument 110

wagner1985UID: 2838595

Citing a study result about the correlation between the installment of bulb and students’ grade point averages, the author believe that the Sherwood should use Day Glow light bulbs in winter so as to improve students' academic performance and teachers' morale. However, the author’s suggestion relies on a series of unproven assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.
To begin with, the argument assumes that the lighting in Sherwood High's classrooms caused by large windows impairs the student academic performance and teacher morale. Yet the mere fact that the double fewest daylight months have poorest records in many aspects, with the researches in other school cited before, hardly suffices to infer any causal relationship between the two factors. Without further investigation about the other conditions, such as the date of final examinations of every semester, it is just as likely that there are some other reasons which actually dominate the periodical results mentioned above. For that matter, the trend might not exist as author supposed, in which event the managers’ recommendation would amount to especially poor advice.
Even assuming that the result of research in Tundra Vocational School is real, the installment of bulbs may not directly exert a positive effect on the students and teachers’ performance in fact, before the author did not provide enough information about the other conditions in the study. Maybe the time of setting the new lamps just encountered the month which is close to or is the examinations within, and then students are more likely to strive for a good score with more diligence by the end of semester. Besides, teachers may adjust their teaching method by then. Without ruling out these and other reasons why the students have better grade points, the manager cannot convince me that Sun light bulb can really benefits the processes of study.
Nor can the manager can justify the recommendation of increasing sun light in classroom on the basis of the case in Tundra Vocational School. Or perhaps the Day Glow Light bulbs can generally improve much more score in Tundra Vocation than in Sherwood. Or only because it is the cold temperature in the winter months, people have to sleep more time and therefore cannot pay attention in classroom—the problem would not be solved by the lighting. In short, the manager cannot defend the recommended advice of works on the basis of what might be a vague analogy between two cases.
Finally, even assuming that the proposed ideas would improve the academic performance as what happens in the case cited, teachers’ morale will not necessarily go up as well. The statement did not provide evidence to point out the more “sunshine” would increase the morale of teachers.

In sum, the argument relies on what might amount to two analogies between the two schools, as well as the casual relationship between the performance of students and the lighting of the classroom. To strengthen the argument the manager should provide more real conditions in the case of Tundra Vocational to clarify the real effect of the lighting changes. Even with this additional evidence, in order to properly support the recommendation the author would need to know is there any clear difference in two different cases.

wagner1985UID: 2838595

. The following appeared in a memo from the Principal of Sherwood Junior High School.
"It appears that the lighting in Sherwood High's classrooms, which have large windows but minimal overhead light sources, is impairing student academic performance and teacher morale. Records show that during December and January, the two months with the fewest hours of daylight, attendance rates fall, average daily class participation drops, and grades decline. Teacher resignations are also highest during these months. According to a study of Tundra Vocational School, which experiences entire seasons with little daylight, students' grade point averages increased when Day Glow light bulbs, which mimic sunlight, were installed in classrooms. This study suggests that Sherwood can improve students' academic performance and teachers' morale by using Day Glow light bulbs in winter."

MaryWongUID: 2619999

Citing a study result about the correlation（这里已经假定bulb和grade points有关？） between the installment of bulb and students’ grade point averages, the author believe（believes） that the Sherwood should use Day Glow light bulbs in winter so as to improve students' academic performance and teachers' morale. However, the author’s suggestion relies on a series of unproven assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.
To begin with, the argument assumes that the lighting in Sherwood High's classrooms caused by large windows impairs the student academic performance and teacher morale. Yet the mere fact that the double fewest daylight months have poorest records in many aspects, with the researches in other school cited before, hardly suffices to infer any causal relationship between the two factors. Without further investigation about the other conditions, such as the date of final examinations of every semester（建议这里明确表达“考试时间若还远，学生可能不努力”之意）, it is just as likely that there are some other reasons which actually dominate the periodical results mentioned above. For that matter, the trend might not exist as author supposed, in which event the managers’ recommendation would amount to especially poor advice.
作者在反驳arguer时举例较少，套用模板语言较多。
Even assuming that the result of research in Tundra Vocational School is real, the installment of bulbs may not directly exert a positive effect on the students and teachers’ performance in fact, before the author did not （后面半句应是肯定吧）provide enough information about the other conditions in the study. Maybe the time of setting the new lamps just encountered the month which is close to or is the examinations within, and then students are more likely to strive for a good score with more diligence by the end of semester. Besides, teachers may adjust their teaching method by then. Without ruling out these and other reasons why the students have better grade points, the manager cannot convince me that Sun light bulb can really benefits the processes of study.
建议多举几种情况，不一定总是因为考试时间……
Nor can the manager can （两个can?）justify the recommendation of increasing sun light in classroom on the basis of the case in Tundra Vocational School. Or perhaps the Day Glow Light bulbs can generally improve much more score in Tundra Vocation than in Sherwood（这里最好解释一下只在TV有用的可能原因）. Or only because it is the cold temperature in the winter months, people have to sleep more time and therefore cannot pay attention in classroom—the problem would not be solved by the lighting. In short, the manager cannot defend the recommended advice of works on the basis of what might be a vague analogy between two cases.（第二段已经讨论过可能学生表现与光线无关，这里又提及，显得逻辑较乱，建议集中讨论）
Finally, even assuming that the proposed ideas would improve the academic performance as what happens in the case cited, teachers’ morale will not necessarily go up as well. The statement did not provide evidence to point out the more “sunshine” would increase the morale of teachers.

In sum, the argument relies on what might amount to two analogies between the two schools, as well as the casual relationship between the performance of students and the lighting of the classroom. To strengthen the argument the manager should provide more real conditions in the case of Tundra Vocational to clarify the real effect of the lighting changes. Even with this additional evidence, in order to properly support the recommendation the author would need to know is there any clear difference in two different cases.
作者经常使用”two cases”,or”two factors”让人感觉指代不清。