Issue48【六人行7.27】by ARTHUR

mn0331UID: 2739758

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
432WORDS/1.5HOURS
BY ARTHUR

According to the speaker, the study of history overstates the status of the famous few and it should be groups of people who create the history instead of the famous few. Although I agree that we should pay more attention to the role that groups of people have played in the history, there are so many examples in history shows it is worthy studying in the giant who make the turning point in history. Thus, I think both the famous few and groups of people are called for in history.


Why so many studies emphasize on the giant instead of normal people? We can easily find out a lot of heroes come into our mind when we look back the history. They lead the trend of history with their wisdom and bravery. They are more sensitive to the problems and development of society than normal people. Hence, they do the best choice in the certain time leading to significant change. Bill Gate is one of the most striking example .As the coming of information era, Bill realize it's time for opening up computer and the related software. The widely use of invention from Bill like CD-ROM and MS-DOS system have greatly change the function of computer without imagination. Nowadays, we cannot work and study without computer and we have to admit Bill's contribution is such a vital factor in the development of information society. So, we can find out the famous few indeed are the impetus in improving society in history.


However, without the support from the groups of people, the famous few can't make anything significant events by themself with limited ability. After all, the society is constituted with countless normal persons. For instance, in World War 2, what truly defeated the Japanese is thousands of tanks manufactured by the workers and the soldiers who took only guns instead of developed weapons. Without their blood and sweat, the war will not succeed in spite of the correct decisions the leader made.


We also should realize that the history is made by both masses and celebrities, yet it is impossible for the study to do the research in the groups of people, for it is too difficult to select the masses’ information and exams those, in contrary, the famous few are easier. So, the study just records the celebrities who represent the trend at that time.


To sum up, we should remember history is determine by both the masses and the famous few. They affect each other and so where the histories come from. And we can literally observe only the celebrities.

xyjprcUID: 2412778

昨天晚上开始发烧，实在不好意思现在才帮你改完。。。
总地来讲是不错的，毕竟你用的时间比我少半个小时，所以也很不错了，however（是不是看到however就悚了？。。。）还是有些问题要注意。
一个是语言上要下功夫，提高词汇和语法，你比较喜欢用词组，但既然到GRE层面了就用些更高效而精确的单词来表达意思吧。避免Chinglish.
二个是论据，丰富论据的同时要想办法让它为你的论证服务，而不是单纯地把例子放上去，做到这一点可以先试试用字里行间插入的暗示性的副词。
三个是结构，倒数第二段似乎有点奇怪，是不是把它放在第二段后，与第二段的大体意思合并一下会更好些。
嗯，大概就是这样了，还有20天，加油加油~同时也谢谢你帮我的作文提出的修改~


48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
432WORDS/1.5HOURS
BY ARTHUR

According to the speaker, the study of history overstates the status of the famous few and it should be groups of people who create the history instead of the famous few [instead of the famous few重复了，删去更好]. Although I agree that we should pay more[这里最好不要用more吧，不然无论怎么让步，还是要pay MORE attention to多数平凡人，而你下面“both”的意思是两者都是历史的缔造者，有点矛盾] attention to the role that groups of people have played in the history, there are so many examples in history shows[语法，showing that] it is worthy studying in the giant who make the turning point[turning points更好，但还有个词“pivotal”，我觉得用来表达你的意思会更精确] in history. Thus, I think both the famous few and groups of people are called for[这里的意思是“需要”？那么后面应该是in the study of history。更好的用词可以是indispensable，不可或缺的] in history.


Why so many studies emphasize on the giant instead of normal people? We can easily find out a lot of heroes come into our mind when we look back the history.[表述不够有效，我觉得宁可拆成一个复合句，When we look back the history, a lot of heroes come into our mind. 然后再用一些更高级的词汇来修饰这个句子以使它更精确和生动，毕竟像a lot of heroes还是太苍白，可以用插入语插几个人；come into our mind，“在脑海中浮现”有没有更好的表述方法？] They lead the trend of history with their wisdom and bravery. They are more sensitive to the problems and development of society than normal people. Hence, they do the best choice in the certain time leading to significant change[有些过于绝对，你只能说那些人多数情况下会比常人做得更好，在关键时刻更能做出正确的决断]. Bill Gate is one of the most striking example .As the coming of information era[是as么？我觉得As the information era was coming是不是更通一些，不过你的可能是更高级的用法。。。再确认一下吧。], Bill realize it's time for opening up[open up想表达什么意思？开辟？可以有更好的说法] computer and the related software. The widely use of invention from Bill like CD-ROM and MS-DOS system have greatly change the function of computer without imagination[without imagination似乎中式英语了吧？如果是“毫无疑问地，……极大地拓展了计算机的功能”，可以用Undoubtedly]. Nowadays, we cannot[改成can hardly，不然太绝对，音乐和美术学院的学生工作和学习的时候就不那么需要计算机] work and study without computer and we have to admit Bill's contribution is such a vital factor in the development of information society. So, we can find out the famous few indeed are the impetus in improving society in history.[例子表义还不够高效，怎么样让你的例子更好地支撑你的观点呢？想一想]


However, without the support from the groups of people, the famous few can't make anything significant events by themself [themselves] with limited ability. After all, the society is constituted with countless normal persons. For instance, in World War 2, what truly defeated the Japanese is[are] thousands of tanks manufactured by the workers and the soldiers who took only guns instead of developed weapons[你查一下有soldiers who took only guns和developed weapons这些说法么？是不是中式英语了]. Without their blood and sweat, the war will not succeed in spite of the correct decisions the leader made. [举完例子了，句尾应该小结一下吧？]


We also should realize that the history is made by both masses and celebrities, yet it is impossible for the study to do the research in the groups of people, for it is too difficult to select[collect information, not select] the masses’ information and exams those, in contrary, the famous few are easier[句子行到这里就乱了，你自己读读看。如果要变通顺，while investigating those…]. So, the study just records the celebrities who represent the trend at that time.[这段怎么又回到研究少数名人更有意义了呢？应该放到第二段后面才合适吧。此段也很单薄，虽然道理是对的，但单纯说理是没有说服力的。]


To sum up, we should remember history is determine[d] by both the masses and the famous few. They affect each other and so where the histories come from[这句中式了]. And we can literally observe only the celebrities.[没写完？你的意思是文字上只用记载或描述名人就足够了么？史记也有本纪、列传、世家呢。。。]