Argument 147 多谢指教

nofeelings811UID: 2388638

时间 50分 字数 436



In the article above, the author think that the reason of the Whirlwind’s sales decline is the product itself and make a survey try to persuade us that graphic is the key, base on the survey and make an action introduce the graphic-improved games with advertising campaign, then naively render the sales will increase in a short time. We dare say that the base is not strong and the train of the though is not logical.
Firstly, the arguer childishly make the survey, thinking that the products of the company have the problem, the decline may be caused by many factors such as the input(not enough funds on the product?), supervisory system(anyone is corrupt?),global economy(in the depression?),fashion(product out of time?) and rivals(too strong or too many?).In another word, the existence of the survey is questionable.
Secondly, the survey, which is a background of the author’s decision, fail in proof because its less-detailed than the normal level. On one hand, there is uncertainty about institution’s authority and expertise. On the other hand, there is nondeterminacy about age of the people, neutrality of them and number of them. In another word, the effect of the survey is not sure to be good to lead to a conclusion that most people like graphic qualified video-games.
Thirdly, graphic improving must be the key point of the increasing the sales is babyish because there are other reasons here to let people not buy it even if people like graphic improved video-games. We doubt does people who like it have the ability to buy it(may be he is unemployed)?Does many people here have the high-end computer to play game? Why the company then focus on the age group of 10~25? Like the woman, if it is attractive, it can hardly have the narrow age range. At the same time,
We wonder whether the advertising campaign can reach the anticipation and not cost a lot in case it will influence the sales.
Finally, even if the products have the flaw, the flaw is graphic, improve the graphic make people want and can buy the game, at the same time advertising campaign’s cost may be not too high, the sales’ increasing is not only determined by the sales volume, but also counts on many other factors like global economy, fashion of the game, policy of the local government(high tax or low?).And in a short time and large range of space, it is especially impossible.
In sum, auger naively consider the reason of the decline, halfheartedly make a survey, change the product cursorily(about feature and object), make the unclear advertising campaign, finally expect too high.

albert199010UID: 2726886

In the article above(删去above,因为我不知道到时候评卷人有没有题目), the author think（thinks） that the reason of the Whirlwind’s sales decline is the product itself and make（makes） a survey trytrying to persuade us that graphic is the key, base on the survey and make an action introduce the graphic-improved games with advertising campaign, then naively render the sales will increase in a short time. （这句比较长，好像有些语法错误，建议你弄短一点。。。）We dare say that the base is（bases are） not strong and the train of the though（这个不理解） is not logical.
Firstly, the arguer childishly（最好换个词吧。。。这个词我觉得不是很正式把） make the survey, thinking that the products of the company have the problem这句没读懂, the decline may be caused by many factors such as the input(not enough funds on the product?), supervisory system(anyone is corrupt?),global economy(in the depression?),fashion(product out of time?) and rivals(too strong or too many?).这个还是短点吧。。。容易有很多语法错误啊In another word, the existence of the survey is questionable.（感觉上这段只有罗列反例，没有更深刻的分析，虽然我的文章也有这个毛病）
Secondly, the survey, which is a 用the更好吧background of the author’s decision, fails in proof because its less-detailed than the normal level这句话还是换种表述吧，总觉得怪怪的. On one hand, there is uncertainty about institution’s authority and expertise. On the other hand, there is nondeterminacy about age of the people, neutrality of them and number of them. In another word, the effect of the survey is not sure to be good to lead to a conclusion that most people like graphic qualified video-games.这种论证survey的方式我要学习学习啊
Thirdly, graphic improving must be the key point of the increasing the sales is babyish because there are other reasons here to let people not buy it even if people like graphic improved video-games. We doubt does people who like it have the ability to buy it(may be he is unemployed)?Does many people here have the high-end computer to play game? Why the company then focus on the age group of 10~25? Like the woman这个还是不要用了，否则不是很正式把。。。, if it is attractive, it can hardly have the narrow age range. At the same time,
We wonder whether the advertising campaign can reach the anticipation and not cost a lot in case it will influence the sales.
Finally, even if the products have the flaw, the flaw is graphic, improve the graphic make people want and can buy the game, at the same time advertising campaign’s cost may be not too high, the sales’ increasing is not only determined by the sales volume, but also counts on many other factors like global economy, fashion of the game, policy of the local government(high tax or low?).And in a short time and large range of space, it is especially impossible.
In sum, auger naively consider the reason of the decline, halfheartedly make a survey, change the product cursorily(about feature and object), make the unclear advertising campaign, finally expect too high.这个总结还不够有力。。。我觉得总结要能使人感觉到压迫感

提几点意见吧：
1.你的文章跟我的一样，模板比较重，而且很大程度上只是罗列例子，。。。没有更深刻的论证（这是大牛告送我的，我觉得很有道理，跟你分享下）
2.段落之间的过度感觉没有文采，总是first，second……我也有这个毛病。。。。
3.逻辑错误上我觉得还是找argument提纲来看看
4.整篇文章跟我的一样，逻辑不是很严密。。。思维跳跃性比较大

总之，我们互相学习吧，我马上发我这几天写的一篇，在帮我看看啊。。。谢谢啦



不好意思啊，最近比较忙。。。这么长时间才帮你改
我的，也是这篇，从新写的
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1159131&extra=

nofeelings811UID: 2388638

我真的那种典型的人啊：自我感觉良好，毛病不少