【NINE小组】第六次作业—by 夜猫（argument&issue）

m7catsueUID: 3040890

A55:
In this argument, the author concludes the sales trend of Whirwind video games is about to reverse and is likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To maintain the conclusion, the author illustrates as follows. (1) Whirwind conducted a survey of video games players. (2) The Whirwind can provide video games with lifelike graphics, however requiring the most up-to-date computers, to meet the players’ demand according to the survey.(3) Whirwind’s new games are aiming at people 10 to 25 years old, the most likely to play video games. However the conclusion relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the conclusion unjustifiably relies on the survey of video-game players conducted by Whirwind. But the author fails to provide sufficient evidence to justify the authority of the accuracy and representativeness of the survey. The author does not provide the information about the total number of video-game players and the number of players interviewed in the survey. If the Whirwind only interviewed a small number of players and the total number numerous, then the conclusion is much weakened. What’s more, we also don’t know in what area this survey is conducted and whether the result of the survey can represent the condition in a relatively large scope. The author conducts the conclusion based on the assumption that the survey is accurate and representative, however, without any convincing proofs.

Secondly, the author predicts a dramatic increase of the Whirwind’s sales, because Whirwind has introduced several new games with lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers, according to the survey, just meeting the demand of the players. Unfortunately, the author fails to provide us further details about how many players have the most up-to-date computers now and how many of them are willing to buy one in order to play a new game. Without further statistics, the author cannot support the conclusion.

Another problem with this argument is that although the it may be true that people between 10 and 25 like video games most, it is still unconvincing why these people will like buy specific certain games of the Whirwind’s. The sales of video games are base on many factors such as the game’s price, category and the features of a computer the game requires. Only providing lifelike graphics cannot ensure players buying this game, though they may do appreciate the graphics of the game.

To sum up, this argument is not convincing as it stands. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide evidence of accuracy and representativeness of the survey, and further statistics about the players who have or will have the most up-to-date computers. Only with more convincing details could this argument become more than just an emotional appeal.

第一次写argument，求狠拍！
写一篇用了好长时间。。

oyxj1551UID: 3150888

In this argument, the author concludes the sales trend ofWhirwind video games is about to reverse and is likely to increasedramatically in the(句式虽然不一样，但仍显重复，建议合二为一，或者只提增加)
next few months. To maintain the conclusion,the author illustrates as follows. (1)
Whirwindconducted a survey of video games players. （文中并没有任何信息告诉这个survey是W公司conduct的）(2) The
（前面到底加不加the，怎么一会加一会不加）Whirwind canprovide video games with lifelike graphics, however
（加在这不恰当，however的感情是你用来攻击文章的，你这里只是罗列作者的观点，不需要加感情倾向）requiringthe most up-to-date computers, to meet the players’ demand（虽然这个词用在这没有错，但我建议用preference,也可以换用其他的词，建议而已） accordingto the survey.(3) Whirwind’s new games are aiming at people 10 to 25 years old, mostlikely to play video games（句式感觉不太对，是不是应该加who are ）. However the conclusion relies on a series ofunsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

开头用分述文章的信息来开头是一个好的选择，即可以让批改的人认为你对这个问题认识比较深刻，同时让文章显得有条理。但同时也会带来一些问题，比如你的总结并不正确，或者逻辑上并不是作者的思想，应该说是利弊共存吧。

To begin with, the conclusion
unjustifiably(和后面的BUT感情矛盾了，这里完全不要) relies onthe survey of video-game players conducted by Whirwind. But the author fails toprovide sufficient evidence to justify the authority of the accuracy andrepresentativeness of the survey. The author does not provide the information aboutthe total number of video-game players and the number of players interviewed inthe survey.（句式重复，后面可以改写成占多少份额，或者百分比来表示同样的意思） If the Whirwind only interviewed a small number of playersand
(while)the total number(is) numerous,then the conclusion is much weakened. What’s more, we also don’t know(don't know 太俗气，改用not informed)
in what areathis survey is conducted and whether the result of the survey can represent thecondition in a relatively large scope. The author conducts（用的太多了，换个词来表示） theconclusion based on the assumption that the survey is accurate and representative,however, without any convincing proofs.
(没有任何证据，后面缺了点什么，应该要加上：这样结论就不令人信服了，这样意思就完整了)
这段对survey的准确性和代表性问题进行质疑，是一个可选角度，但本段的思路还要再雕琢一下，让其更合理。

Secondly, the author predicts a dramatic increaseof the Whirwind’s sales, because Whirwind has introduced
（这词用的不恰当）several newgames with lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers, accordingto the survey, just meeting the demand of the players.（这个语句太复杂了，一个句子5个逗号，并不是用复杂句不好，但要用的合适，不能为了长句而长句）Unfortunately, the author fails to provide us further detailsabout how many players have the most up-to-date computers now（你认为作者能够提供这样一份数据么，显然想知道多少人有最先进的电脑是不可能的，虽然说Argument我们只要拆台就行，但提出的问题还是要合理）
and how many of them（同样的问题，和前面的how many 显得重复，换比例或份额，这样即便让作者提供数据也是合理的，因为调查都是取样的，得到的都是比例，很难给出具体数字） are willingto buy one in order to play a new game. Without further statistics, the authorcannot support the conclusion.

本段思路是可以的，主要是遣词造句存在些问题

Another problem with this argument is thatalthough the it may be true that people between 10 and 25 like video gamesmost, it is still unconvincing why these people will like
（有这样的方式么，我查了一下google，这样还真不多）buy specific certain（重复） games ofthe Whirwind’s. The sales of video games are base on many factors such as thegame’s price, category and the features of a computer the game requires. Only providinglifelike graphics cannot ensure players buying this game(句子语法上应该有些错误吧，读起来挺别扭，是不是chinglish了), though theymay do appreciate the graphics of the game.
这段论证并不充分，让人不能够认同

To sum up, this argument is not convincing as itstands. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide evidence ofaccuracy and representativeness of the survey, and further statistics about theplayers who have or will have the most up-to-date computers. (缺你的第三段能容总结)Only withmore convincing details could this argument become more than just an emotionalappeal.

结尾段没大问题，但缺很普通，中规中举

lovetianUID: 2899734

The author claims that all college students should be required to take courses such as poetry, novels, mythology and imaginative literature like that aiming at becoming well-rounded individuals. （这里对于原题目的改变好像有点小问题）From my perspective, I fundamentally agree with the author that students should take courses which improve imagination and creative thinking in order to become well-rounded individuals. However, I don’t think it necessary to make these courses an obligation for all college students to study without any process of selection according to the students’ interests.
重述题目，表达大部分支持这个建议，认为通过上课的方式提高想象力及创造力，但是对于这个提议的具体做法觉得有待商榷。
I couldn’t agree more, in accordance with my proposition, that the 21st century and modern society need well-rounded individuals with not only expertise in one certain field but also fundamental understandings about other aspects of our world and, above all, imagination and creativity, which are the origins of creative thinking and productivity. Well-rounded individuals, I think, are people who have creative thoughts and basic knowledge of our world, master certain skills, and should have the ability to cooperate with other people in a team. It is of tremendous importance that students being able to think creatively combine their knowledge and imagination to serve the society, thus they can be called well-rounded individuals.
说明想象力和创造力对于将来的重要性，但是好象没有和题目联系的比较紧密，没有说到阅读想象类文学作品。

Imaginative literature, undoubtedly, is a good way to improve students’ imagination, but I am inclined to support idea that students chose（choose） their own means, according to their interests and habits, to enhance their creative thinking and imagination which are indispensable for becoming well-rounded individuals. Interest is the best teacher, and there are ways for students to choose to become well-rounded individuals这句表达的好像不是很清楚. If students can choose to study by their favorite means, specifically, taking courses which they are really interested in, they can do much better in the study, not only in imaginative literature courses but also in other relatively difficult professional study. What’s more, the author does not consider that not all the college students like imaginative literature. Although the author’s intention is to help, these courses will be counterproductive for students who do not enjoy imaginative literature and maybe even abate students’ enthusiasm of study.
认为想法是好的，但是在方法的具体执行尚有待思考，认为应该结合个人兴趣，而不是强制执行。后面的What’s more的内容，好像和前面的没有太大差别，就是具体的说一下为什么要根据兴趣
And another reason why I disagree with the author’s method of all college students taking imaginative literature courses is that students may be addicted to imaginative literature such as novels and mythology and maybe spend too much time on it, thus probably leading to dilapidation of their professional study, which is also an indispensable element of a well-rounded individual. Imaginative novels are fascinating especially for some students who really enjoy them. And if they read too much of these novels utilizing这里用wasting可能更好一些 their time which is originally supposed to do other work or professional study, against the author’s will, it will be harder for these students to become real well-rounded individuals.
认为阅读此类书籍会上瘾，这样反而不好，耽误其他工作。但是这个原因的话，我觉得单纯的反对好像不太好，有点因噎废食的意思，最好就是提供指导，合理阅读
The last reason why I oppose the author’s suggestion in the claim is that colleges and universities have to put additional resources to ensure all the students taking imaginative literature courses. This will definitely increase the burden of universities, not only financially but also in arrangement of teachers, classrooms, and curriculum. In order to provide more imaginative literature courses for all students, universities probably have to cancel other courses which may be also of importance for students to become well-rounded individuals. So, it is not realistic or reasonable to require all college students to take imaginative literature courses.
这段的话，反对的内容好像有点牵强，因为开设一门课程并不是很困难，而且如果对于学生有帮助的话，这些也并不是重要的考虑内容，毕竟学校的存在就是培养人才，而不是节省费用。
To sum up, college students becoming well-rounded individuals is the goal for us to make efforts for. But it will be more effective if students choose their own method to work for the goal instead of requiring all students to take imaginative literature courses as an obligation, which may lead to the opposite consequence.


从第一段的叙述中 fundamentally 好像体现了作者更加倾向于支持这个观点 但是从后文的论述中 貌似反对的语言占了大部分的位置 所以 在第一段的时候应该先表达清楚自己观点 到底是支持多一点 还是反对多一点 不然在后面阅读的时候可能会引起一些误会。


以上都只是我的个人观点，不一定正确，仅供参考。

m7catsueUID: 3040890

2# oyxj1551
In this argument, the author predicts adramatic increase in sales of Whirwind’s video games according to a recentsurvey of video-game players, which indicates that the most appreciated featureof a game is lifelike graphics, requiring the most up-to-date computers. The authoralso points out that Whirwind has launched an extensive advertising campaignaimed at people aged between 10 and 25, the age group that considered mostlikely to play video games. However, the prediction is based on unsubstantiatedassumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the conclusionunjustifiably relies on the assumption that the survey is accurate andrepresentative, which unfortunately cannot be proved in the argument. The authorfails to provide specific information about the total number of video-gameplayers and the number of players interviewed in the survey. If the survey onlycovers a small part of the video-game players, of which the total number isnumerous, then the author’s conclusion is much weakened. What’s more, we are alsonot informed in what specific area the survey was conducted and whether its resultcan represent the condition of a relatively large scope. The author draws theconclusion based on the assumption that the survey is accurate andrepresentative, however, without any convincing proofs, thus leaving theconclusion unsustainable.

Secondly, even if we assume that theresult of the survey is valid, and the most appreciated feature of a video gameis lifelike graphics, according to the survey of video-game players. There stillremain questions unanswered. The author indicates that games with lifelikegraphics requiring the most up-to-date computers will be the reason whyWhirwind’s sales will increase dramatically in the next few months, but failsto provide information of the percentage of video-game players who are accessibleto the up-to-date computers. Without up-to-date computers, players are notlikely to buy the games which require high configuration of the computer. And withoutfurther statistics, the author’s conclusion is dubious.

Additionally, the quality of a specific gameis based on many factors such as its price, category, and the features of acomputer the game requires, not only its graphics. Although Whirwind’ games canprovide lifelike graphics, there are no details to illustrate other aspects ofWhirwind’ games which are also indispensable in the consumer’s consideration whenthey are going to purchase a video game. If the prices of Whirwind’s games areprohibitive, then even if with one or two features which the players appreciate, itsproducts are still not competitive compared with maybe its rival’s relativelycheap games. Therefore additional information is required, if the author wantsto support his/her conclusion.

To sum up, this argument is notconvincing as it stands. To strengthen the argument, evidence proving thesurvey’s accuracy and representativeness is needed. Besides, additional surveysof a larger scope about video-game players will be of help to collect specificinformation about the target market, thus improving Whirwind’s sale strategies.Finally, only with moreconvincing details could this argument become more than just an emotionalappeal.



多谢拍砖~辛苦了~~红蓝色加起来和我写的差不多了。。
第一次写A真是惨不忍睹啊。。
修改之后求继续狠拍！

m7catsueUID: 3040890

3# lovetian
The author claimsthat all college students should be required to take courses of imaginativeliterature such as poetry, novels, and mythology, aiming at becomingwell-rounded individuals. From my perspective, I fundamentally agree with theauthor that students should take courses which improve imagination and creativethinking. However, I don’t think it necessary to make these courses anobligation for all college students, especially those who do not major inliterature, to study without any process of selection according to theirinterests or majors.

I couldn’t agreemore, in accordance with my proposition, that the 21st century andmodern society need well-rounded individuals with not only expertise in onecertain field but also fundamental understandings about other aspects of ourworld and, above all, imagination and creativity, which are the origins ofcreative thinking and productivity. And there is no denying that courses likeimaginative literature, to a large extent, can inspire students’ creativity andimagination.

Imaginativeliterature, undoubtedly, is a good way to improve students’ imagination, but Iam inclined to support idea that students choose their own means, according totheir interests or majors, to enhance their creative thinking and imaginationwhich are indispensable for becoming well-rounded individuals. Interest is thebest teacher, and there are ways for students to choose, to become well-roundedpersons. If students can choose to study by their favorite means, specifically,by taking courses which they are really interested in, they can be much moreactive in their study, not only in imaginative literature courses, but also inother relatively difficult professional courses. On the contrary, if studentsare compelled to attend lectures which they have little interests in, theeffect of their study will be counterproductive.

And another reasonwhy I disagree with the author’s method of all college students takingimaginative literature courses is that students may spend too much time readingnovels or mythologies. If the courses require students to read those imaginativenovels, such as the Lord of Rings or A Song of Ice and Fire,the widely acknowledged classics of imaginative literature with a complicatedplot and quirky twist, probably leading to dilapidation of students’ professionalstudy, which is also an indispensable element of a well-rounded individual. It isnot advisable to choose a uncertain means to inspire students’ imagination andcreativity at the risk of their professional study, when there are manyalternate methods which can attain the same effects.

The last reasonwhy I oppose the author’s proposal in the claim is that colleges anduniversities have to put additional resources to ensure all the students, regardlessof their majors or appetites, taking imaginative literature courses. This willdefinitely increase the burden of universities, not only financially but alsoin arrangement of teachers, classrooms, and curriculum. If the author’s proposalis put into practice, universities probably have to cancel other courses whichmay be peripheral considered by students whose major is irrelevant to them,just like the condition which imaginative literature faces today. Hence, it isnot realistic or reasonable to require all college students to take imaginativeliterature courses.

To sum up, collegestudents becoming well-rounded individuals is the goal for us to make effortsfor. But it will be more effective if students choose their own method to workfor the goal instead of requiring all students to take imaginative literaturecourses as an obligation, which may lead to the opposite consequence.



谢谢拍砖~~确实很多地方逻辑关系有问题，改了很多~
确实是很多东西第一次没表达清楚~~稍微解释一下：

第二个理由，我是这么认为的：就像曾经因为担心学生沉迷其中，而在中国引起热议的金庸的小说该不该被写进教科书一样。如果把想象力文学（比如魔戒、并与火之歌）加进大学必修课，也极有可能会有学生在其中耗费大量的时间而荒废专业课。而且肯定有其他的方法提升想象力和创造力，不一定要采用这样冒险的办法。
第三个理由 是基于题目中作者说要对所有大学生 开设想象力文学课。是要 各个专业 所有大学生全部上想象力文学课，主要不同意的是因为“所有学生”，除了第一个理由之外（可能没有学习效率），对学校来说肯定还是一个很大的负担，课程安排，师资力量上，要给一个大学全部学生上课，肯定需要很多的教师；而且为了做出这样一个安排，还有可能砍掉其他“边缘”的课程，也是那些本不被重视却对成为一个全面发展的人有帮助的课程，就像今天的想象力文学面临的尴尬一样。

我的想法是这样的。。
欢迎继续狠拍！