Issue48 第22篇 同主题写作。给连接吧，我会狠狠的回拍！！

iPodUID: 2105485

Issue48  第22篇 同主题写作。给连接吧，我会狠狠的回拍！！
------摘要------
作者：iPod     共用时间：41分3秒     500 / 551 (after reworked) words
从2005年6月18日20时57分到2005年6月18日21时41分
------题目------
The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten.
------正文------
Which groups of people creates the most significant events and trends in history, either a few individuals or by all of the people? The speaker favors the latter one, however, which, as a whole, is created by both the individuals and the mass.

The famous few, are the decision makers in the most crucial and vital time of history, whose roles play in creating history are undeniable and irreplaceable. And the limitations of the mass determine that they have to be led by the few. For example, Winston Churchill, as a world-known hero in the World War II, led the British people fought against Nazi troops till the final success of the war in human history. And his saying " We should never, never, never give up!" encouraged groups of people who lost their hearts and confidences to stand up and reach the hopes in the most crucial time. The mass at that time could not do without a leader and decision maker to lead them to fight and Churchil was the very one that enabled British people to recover from pains and sufferings and thus defeated the Nazi and, as a result, saved a whole race. Although Churchill's were not single-handed responsible for winning over Hitler, his role played in World War II was significant and important. Therefore, the famous few make history in the vital time and lead their people to follow them.

However, a groups of people did participate the process of creating history whose influences on history cannot be ignored, too.  We can learn from a concrete example of proving the statement. Abraham Lincoln, who is always considered as the hero of liberation of slaves, could not do without the power and striving of people all over the US, however. Lincoln did signed Declaration of Emancipation of Slaves, but hehind the glory of him, a large group of emancipationists in the US as well as Lincoln participated in this campaign and contributed their supports . Just depending on the sole power of Lincoln could not free the slaves, nevertheless, through relying on advocations of others can finally make the Declaration passing, made and changed the human history. As a consequence, history cannot be made without the groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten though.

As far as I am concerned, history can be made only by both the leadership of individuals and supporting of groups of people, that is the mass. For instance, we will always consider the Independence of America as the striving of the few leaders and the American people as a whole. Gorge Washington, fought against British troops depending on his American people. What is more, America would have not defeated Britain and won independence if either Gorge Washington just rode his horse to confront British Troops alone or American people wared Britian without a brilliant leader to lead them. When those two powers come together, it became the most vigorous and indefectible power to defeat British troops and won the final independence and at last let the Declaration of Independence emerged. Therefore, leaders together with his people created the integrated human history.

In sum, individuals and groups of people all play their respective roles in making history. A integrated history is made by both of those two powers as a whole.

sixsenseUID: 197669

我也是iPod的忠实读者哦。占座先，晚上看。

iPodUID: 2105485

哈哈~
我也有读者了~
还是忠实读者业~
大家加油`

edgarluUID: 203648

Issue48  第22篇 同主题写作。给连接吧，我会狠狠的回拍！！
------摘要------
作者：iPod     共用时间：41分3秒     500 / 551 (after reworked) words
从2005年6月18日20时57分到2005年6月18日21时41分
------题目------
The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten.
------正文------
Which groups of people creates the most significant events and trends in history, either a few individuals or by all of the people?[either… or 不能这样用，设问的话either去掉，前面改称问号后面的by去掉] The speaker favors the latter one, however, which, as a whole, is created by both the individuals and the mass. [这个which用得有点莫名其妙，latter on是 all of the people, 要用从句修饰也是用whom，而看意思这个which又是指代的 the most significant events and trends in histoy，这个差得太远也就更无从谈起了。]

The famous few, are the decision makers in the most crucial and vital time of history, whose roles play in creating history are undeniable and irreplaceable.[这句话这么写好， the famous few, who made decisions in the most crucial and vital time of history, played undeniable and irreplaceable roles in the creation of history.] And the limitations of the mass determine that they have to be led by the few. For example, Winston Churchill, as a world-known hero in the World War II, led the British people fought against Nazi troops till the final success of the war in human history. And his saying [of] " We should never, never, never give up!" encouraged groups of people who lost their hearts and confidences to stand up and reach the hopes in the most crucial time. The mass at that time could not do [would never do it] without a leader and decision maker to lead them to fight and [后面的叙述过于累赘且与前面略有重复之处，我个人写作文举例证时也会有同样的毛病，我觉得只要写So churchill became the one.就行了] Churchil was the very one that enabled British people to recover from pains and sufferings and thus defeated the Nazi and, as a result, saved a whole race. Although Churchill's were not single-handed responsible for winning over Hitler, his role played in World War II was significant and important. Therefore, the famous few make history in the vital time and lead their people to follow them.[举例之前的论述略显不够，特别是关于the limitations of the mass的，例子中对这一点也未能充分论述，只有一句lose their hearts and confidences。]

However, a groups of people did participate the process of creating history whose influences on history cannot be ignored, too.  We can learn from a concrete example of proving the statement. Abraham Lincoln, who is always considered as the hero of liberation of slaves, could not do without the power and striving of people all over the US[不是people all over the US，南北双方民间的态度是泾渭分明的，南方人中很少有支持解放黑奴的，这是南方的广泛民意，楼主可能是受了社会主义历史观的影响], however. Lincoln did signed Declaration of Emancipation of Slaves, but hehind the glory of him, a large group of emancipationists in the US as well as Lincoln[这么用as well as表达的不是“像林肯一样”的意思，而就是表达“和”，前面限定了behind the glory of Lincoln，这里最好不要这么用] participated in this campaign and contributed their supports . Just depending on the sole power of Lincoln[别扭！这么用depend on真是别扭] could not free the slaves, nevertheless[前后两句不是转折关系], through relying on advocations of others [这句话没有主语] can finally make the Declaration passing, made and changed the human history[这句话的主语以及和这一长句中的其他句子成分之间的串联都不明]. As a consequence, history cannot be made without the groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten though.

As far as I am concerned, history can be made only by both the leadership of individuals and supporting of groups of people, that is the mass. For instance, we will always consider the Independence of America as the striving of the few leaders and the American people as a whole. Gorge Washington, fought against British troops depending on his American people. What is more, America would have not defeated Britain and won independence if either Gorge Washington just rode his horse to confront British Troops alone or American people wared[war不能这么用，作动词也不行] Britian without a brilliant leader to lead them. [if either … or 这一段语法有待商椎，个人认为至少两个从句的that还是要加的].When those two powers come together, it became the most vigorous and indefectible power to defeat British troops and won the final independence and at last let the Declaration of Independence emerged. Therefore, leaders together with his people created the integrated human history.

In sum, individuals and groups of people all play their respective roles in making history. A integrated history is made by both of those two powers as a whole.

总体：
楼主的长句运用有不少问题
有一点楼主一定要注意，两个单独的句子没有连接词，只用逗号是不能拼做一个长句的
长句中的各个分句主谓一定要一致，不要太想当然了

全文的结构我也不是太苟同，第三个论点虽说并不是前两个论点的纯粹结合，但也差不多了，我觉得楼主如果要在第三个论点把两个都表扬一下，不如写两种人之间的团结对取得胜利有多重要，把重点放在团结上。如果但写“缺了谁都不行”，前面两个论点已经都论述过了。
另外全文例证所占篇幅比例太大，论证的部分较少，对文章的说服力削弱不少。我个人觉得一篇issue具体例证最多两个，抽象例证最多三个，这样会比较合适。

说了楼主那么多不是，望勿见怪，我也是抱着共同进步的目的
以前限时不严格，自以为文如泉涌，真的一掐表才知道自己的水平不过尔尔，多谢楼主的提醒

楼主若有拍兴，看看我这篇有争议的文章发表发表感想吧
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=300929&page=1

[ Last edited by edgarlu on 2005-7-21 at 11:35 ]