argument153 G-89-互助社-8.6日同主题写作 I am late, sorry

OceanDUID: 2118730

看来我得顶一下了，呵呵，加油

hwyireneUID: 200039

一会帮你看

tianrushuiUID: 207550

Citing three pieces of evidence, a phenomenon, a national study and a survey, the author assumes that violent behavior of teenager is mainly traceable to a great number of violent shows. Therefore, he or she concludes that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time so as to low the rate of teenage crime in Alta. The conclusion seems logical based on such evidence. However, the evidence cannot support the assumption after careful analyze.

To begin with, any evidence the author brings forward is the situation of national areas rather than Alta. Thus, Alta may not have the characters those pieces of evidence showed Perhaps the economy level in Alta is so low that television sets only appear in few families. Or perhaps even television sets in Alta are indeed usual, the programs are few violence shows. Or perhaps although violence shows are common, the local rate of teenager committed is still low so Alta may have few teenager crime problems. Any possibility would undermine the conclusion the author gives.

Moreover, have you noticed that the author said the phenomenon has happened since the 1950? Does the whole population increase? Does the whole rate of crime grow? Also, do people’s life style change? Whether teenagers in today are more mature and bold in(than) those in old time? Do their new characters make them easy to crime? The author fails to consider these questions which can renew the explanation of the phenomenon. Furthermore, teenagers involved in a special time to grow up whose behaviors are greatly affected not only by personal characters, but also family environment and their friends characters Common sense tells us that people would like to imitate others. Thus, factors mentioned above make the conclusion unpersuasive.

Finally, except that the result of the survey cannot typify that in Alta, it also has many problems. We are informed neither the number of people who participate in this survey nor the number of respondents. Perhaps there are not enough people sampled to typify the opinion of whole people, or perhaps only few people who have interested in this topic give the response. Moreover, parents indicate the prime-television should show less violence program. However, the author provides no information that prime-television showed much violence program or teenagers always watch the prime-television. Without ruling out those possibilities, the author cannot convince me that the violence program has directly relationship with the rate of teenagers’ crimes.
这一段感觉有些混乱呀,moreover之前说的是survey的可信度,接下来的两句又说的是prime-television,最后的结论又是violence program 和 the rate of teenagers’ crimes没有多大关系.感觉上这一段其实可以分开来做两段写.In conclusion, as mentioned all above, the evidence given cannot support the conclusion at all. To better evaluate, the author should analyze that situation only in Alta, such as the residence economy level, the rate of teenagers’ crimes and the content of local program. The author should also do a local study and a local survey. Thus, he or she can definitely get the convincible conclusion in the end.

ps.你在改我的文章时说可以加一段来写出其他解决这个问题的方案,有必要这样吗,毕竟我们只是要批驳作者的观点啊.

[ Last edited by tianrushui on 2005-8-8 at 15:01 ]

OceanDUID: 2118730

其实我整篇感觉写得就很乱，昨天憋了好久好久。 好像可以写其他解决方案。我在那个书上看到的。

hwyireneUID: 200039

Citing three pieces of evidence, a phenomenon, a national study and a survey, the author assumes that violent behavior of teenager is mainly traceable to a great number of violent shows. Therefore, he or she concludes that it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time so as to lowerthe rate of teenage crime in Alta. The conclusion seems logical based on such evidence. However, the evidence cannot support the assumption after careful analyzecareful analysis or carefully analyze.

To begin with, any evidence the author brings forward is the situation of national areas rather than Alta. Thus, Alta may not have the characters those pieces of evidence showedshow最好保持一个时态 Perhaps the economy level in Alta is so low that television sets only appear in few families. Or perhaps even television sets in Alta are indeed usual, butthe programs are fewseldom violence shows. Or perhaps although violence shows are common, the local rate of teenager committed is still low so Alta may have few teenager crime problems. Any possibility would undermine the conclusion the author gives.这一句层层让步又深入地论证下来很有气势，不过我觉得用词和行文的流畅还要再下点工夫还有，文中所提到的全国性调查的结论只是，过多地观看有暴力镜头的节目会增加儿童的暴力倾向。关于电视机的普及和儿童犯罪率的关系是文章开头提出的，仅是Alta的情况，所以下面的批驳好象有点失准。

Moreover, have you noticed that the author said the phenomenon has happened since the 1950?我好像听老师说过最好不要在文章中出现you之类的第二人称，issue也是。这种与人谈心的方式可能不太适合逻辑性很强的文章。不知道对不对？ Does the whole population increase? Does the whole rate of crime grow? Also, dodoes people’s life style change? Whether teenagers in today are more mature and bold than those in old time? Do their new characters make them easy to crime? The author fails to consider these questions which can renew the explanation of the phenomenon. Furthermore, teenagers involved in a special time to grow up whose behaviors are greatly affected not only by personal characters, but also family environment and their friends' characters Common sense tells us that people would like to imitate othersespecially the youngsters可能与上文衔得更紧些，你认为呢？. Thus, factors mentioned above make the conclusion unpersuasive.

Finally, except that the result of the survey cannot typify that in Alta, it also has many problems. We are informed neither the number of people who participate in this survey nor the number of respondents. Perhaps there are not enough people sampled to typify the opinion of whole people, or perhaps only few people who have interestedinterest in this topic give the response. Moreover, parents indicate the prime-televisionprime-time television should show less violence program. However, the author provides no information that prime-television showedshows much violence programmuch violence or many violence programs or teenagers always watch the prime-television. Without ruling out those possibilities, the author cannot convince me that the violence program has directlydirect relationship with the rate of teenagers’ crimes我觉得那个调查除了犯了数据模糊和可能无效的错误以外，最大的问题在于它认为电视暴力的减少一定会降低青少年犯罪率，但这是缺乏证据的。然后再提出其他可能使犯罪率居高不下的原因。你的看法怎样呢？.

In conclusion, as mentioned all above, the evidence given cannot support the conclusion at all. To better evaluate, the author should analyze that situation only in Alta, such as the residence economy level, the rate of teenagers’ crimes and the content of local program. The author should also do a local study and a local survey. Thus, he or she can definitely get the convincible conclusion in the end结尾这一句的建议有些空，调查的内容是什么没有说，此外can definitely get the convincible conclusion in the end这个结论下得有点绝对了，我觉得最好还是用建议的口气，说in order to 怎么怎么样，应当怎么做。.

我觉得这个题目的逻辑错误不是特别明显或者是我们通常也容易犯的，所以即使感觉到有些地方有问题也难以把它们明确地指出来。我觉得你很多句子的用词和句式很不错，不过在提出各种可能性时有的有些牵强。不知道说得对不对，你若有不同意见再提出来讨论好吗？

polymathUID: 179557

谢谢帮忙！:)

OceanDUID: 2118730

谢谢，hwyirene。我虚心接受，我改改咱们在讨论。需要我帮你改得可以发短消息给我。感谢。:handshake

谢谢帮忙！

还有，社长！！别光谢谢，也不给评价评价。看我入门了没有！！:)