请各位斑竹 帮忙改下作文 谢谢

lizhongweiUID: 2212984

这个是79 题 关于给名人立雕塑的

I believethat building a statue for the right person is not only for educating thecitizens rather than decorating the city. If my city has decided to build astatue or a monument to honor a famous person in China, I would choose YuanLong Ping, the father of “hybridrice”, as the best candidate because incomparing to the famous entertainers and athletes, he not only has maken a down-to-earthcontribution to the society but also sets an excellent example for the youngpeople.
Thecontribution of Yuan Long Ping should not be overstressed because his research knownas “hybrid rice”, thecross-fertilize rice from two different species,has resolved the problem of food supplies in China. China is a developing country with avast population and relatively small plow land.  About 30 years ago, the agriculture productscan hardly support the people in our country because the normal rice is veryeasy to be affected by the pests, such as grasshopper andaphides, and generally takes a long time tobecome ripe. If the yield of the rice declined,people starve. The “hybrid rice” is the combination of many excellent genes from two different speciesof rice and make rice yield duplicate much higher than before. With his effortsChinese people do not have to worry about the low yieldand insect pest of the rice any more. In additionto his contribution to the Chinese people, his production is also appreciatedto the rest of the world because the technology of “hybrid rice” has helped many countries avoidthemselves from starve.
Thesecond reason why I wholehearted support to build a statue for Yuan Long Pingis because he is an excellent model for the young people of China. Firstly, he epitomizes the Chinesespirit of hardworking to achieve greatness. While one would like to believethat the “hybrid rice” isan easy task, surprisingly, it takes him almost a decade. In today’s China, many young people are fond inthe luxury life and do not take any effort to his goal. So the effort of YuanLong Ping is the best example for the youth to learn. Secondly, the characterof Yuan Long Ping is also an essential reason to build a statue for him. Inspite of his fame and notoriety, in interviews you can see that he has remaineda gracious and humble when he is a 80 years old man. This, of course, is also aserious defect of nowadays young people. When one makes a little success,he/she would easy to get pride and look others upon, which can block his/her futurein the long run.
Overall, bythe above-mentioned reasons, I strongly support to build a statue or a monumentfor Yuan Long Ping not only because he is both the treasure of China and the world but also because heis hardworking, dedicated man with a strong, noble character. The contributionof the father of “hybrid rice” and his spirit must be memorized and learned by all of the citizensas an excellent model Chinese people.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

I believethat building a statue for the right person is not only for educating thecitizens rather than decorating the city.(用法错了， 要么not only..but also，要么只用rather than) If my city has decided to build astatue or a monument to honor a famous person in China, I would choose YuanLong Ping(Yuan Longping), the father of “hybridrice”, as the best candidate because incomparing to the famous entertainers and athletes, he not only has maken a down-to-earthcontribution to the society but also sets an excellent example for the youngpeople.

Thecontribution of Yuan Long Ping should not (cannot) be overstressed because his research knownas “hybrid rice”, thecross-fertilize rice from two different species,has resolved the problem of food supplies in China. China is a developing country with avast population and relatively small plow land.  About 30 years ago, the agriculture productscan hardly support the people in our country because the normal rice is veryeasy to be affected by the pests, such as grasshopper andaphides, and generally takes a long time tobecome ripe. If the yield of the rice declined,people starve. The “hybrid rice” is the combination of many excellent genes from two different speciesof rice and make rice yield duplicate much higher than before. With his effortsChinese people do not have to worry about the low yieldand insect pest of the rice any more. In additionto his contribution to the Chinese people, his production is also appreciatedto the rest of the world because the technology of “hybrid rice” has helped many countries avoidthemselves from starve.(这个贡献跟建雕像有什么关系？教育市民学习他？纪念他的贡献？表示社会承认？之前第一段第一句的内容在这里需要得到论述和支持，之后的内容在强调老袁的品质这里说他的贡献，但贡献在为什么建雕像中并没有被作为要素被提到过，更不用说论证了)

Thesecond （？） reason（s） why I wholehearted support to build a statue for Yuan Long Pingis because he is an excellent model for the young people of China （到底哪个是原因？）. Firstly, he epitomizes the Chinesespirit of hardworking to achieve greatness. While one would like to believethat the “hybrid rice” isan easy task, surprisingly, it takes him almost a decade. In today’s China, many young people are fond inthe luxury life and do not take any effort to his goal. So the effort of YuanLong Ping is the best example for the youth to learn.（跟建雕像有什么关系？） Secondly, the characterof Yuan Long Ping is also an essential reason to build a statue for him（hardworking不是character么？）. Inspite of his fame and notoriety, in interviews you can see that he has remaineda gracious and humble when he is a 80 years old man. This, of course, is also aserious defect of nowadays young people.（年纪大跟值得学习有什么逻辑关系么？） When one makes a little success,he/she would easy to get pride and look others upon, which can block his/her futurein the long run.（这里应该在说他很谦逊吧，但没有列举事实，也没有进行论证，在第一句中也没说清楚）

Overall, bythe above-mentioned reasons, I strongly support to build a statue or a monumentfor Yuan Long Ping not only because he is both the treasure of China and the world but also because heis hardworking, dedicated man with a strong, noble character. The contributionof the father of “hybrid rice” and his spirit must be memorized and learned by all of the citizensas an excellent model Chinese people.

总评：
1思路：本题最容易出现的问题就是跑题：说了半天人的贡献却跟建雕像扯不上关系，本文除了第一句外就没提过为什么要建雕像，这点使得之后列举的贡献和品质都失去了目标。
2结构：body两部分脱节，中间的论证也显得相互缺乏联系。段首主题句很难照应到中心论点，分论点起首句也过于笼统，这样不利于读者把握你的观点。
3论证：叙述太多，分析太少，使得文章缺乏说服力。
4逻辑：除了思路上的大逻辑断层外，一些分论点也存在并列关系相互重合，因果不合理的问题。
建议：
写完文章以后自己看一下，觉得能不能说服自己，能不能照应题目，很多时候因为语言能力的限制写的东西跟想的完全不是一回事，这种时候再回去思考会学到很多新的东西。

xugelanUID: 2336294

首段中的应该是compare with