Issue130【0906G 文以载道三月四月作文小组】第二周第三作业 by gewang

gewangUID: 2186573

[题目]
130. "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
现在孩子的社会化程度决定了社会的命运。可惜的是，我们还没有学会教孩子怎么样去建设一个更好的社会。
[提纲] 部分同意
1)    孩子的社会化对一个社会是重要的;
2)    但是不是决定因素,还有其他的方面;
3)    怎样才算建设一个更好的社会;
4)    即使孩子们正在建设一个更好的社会,仍然有改进的方面.
[正文]
Children are the future of a society. However, regarding to the issue stated above, it overestimates the role of the socialization of children, but the author's second statement that we need learn more to raise children to bring about a better society is reasonable.

To begin with, admittedly, children's socialization is important to the development of a society. Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with peers, that child is likely to grow into an ineffectual, perhaps even an anti-social adult. Currently, with the quickening pace of modern life and decreasing of birth rate, most children are the single one in their families. Though they own much better education resources and living conditions, the lacking of socialization causes their deficiency in communication, recognition and leadership, and all these factors impede the development of children, even make them become anti-social adult. The Virginia Tech massacre, a school shooting killed 32 people and wounded many others, happened on April 16, 2007. According to Larry Hinker, the university spokesman, the loneliness and apartness of the perpetrator are main reasons of this massacre. Socialization help children grow up to be citizens who own sound mentality, and then lead to a better society.

However, socialization is not only one factor influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society. Values such as honesty, persistence, probity and kindness are other major factors to build a better society. Honesty and probity are the basic requirements for people living in today’s society, from communicating with friends to the negotiating between companies, even to the diplomacy between countries. Persistence is also vital, without it, a student is hard to gain a high score, an adult is impossible to own a high-quality carrier, and the whole society is unable to develop stably and continually. Beside, kindness is the ties among people, and in a society without kindness, people’s relationship is nerves, and they cannot get help from others when they need, what’s more, the interests will become the only thing people concerns. In short words, besides socialization, there are still many other characteristics which also play great roles to contribute to a better society.

Turning to the second claim, the education in today’s society overestimates the acquirement of knowledge, especially in the science and technology, meanwhile, at some extent, ignores the importance of building a healthy personality. It is timely and necessary to teach children how to treat and deal with unfortunate situations optimistically, tolerance of differing viewpoints and people who are different from them, respect for individual rights. Then, a greater cooperation across cultural and national boundaries will be formed. Until our society can gain all these goals, we can conclude that the children of the most recent half-century are creating a better society.

Unfortunately, even if children are building a better society, there is still a room for us to improve our skills of raising children. It is wise to build up more comfortable growing up environments, well-equipped instruments, such as schools and hospitals, and effective protective laws to help the growing up of children. Up to the present moment, some social issues like juvenile crimes have not been solved, and basics medical insurance system and the right to receive education of the children cannot be guaranteed. It happens from time to time that some children who are born in miserly poor areas, do not accept formal education and basic medical insurance at all. In the way we try to figure out all the issues, we are learning how to raising children to build a better society.

Overall, socialization is essential to the density of society, yet it cannot determine its density. Furthermore, there is still a long way to get before we know how to tutor children to create a better society.


PS: 最后两个观点逻辑觉得有点混乱了, 而且几个定义是从别人的提纲中copy下来的，像这种题目也不知道怎么用例子论证，希望指出！还有就是开头结尾段的写法怎样才更合适这类题目？鞠躬，谢谢~~

chvlylUID: 2201025

Children are the future of a society. However, regarding to the issue stated above, it overestimates the role of the socialization of children, but the author's second statement that we need learn more to raise children to bring about a better society is reasonable.开篇简洁摆出自己观点,我比较赞同这种方法

To begin with, admittedly, children's socialization is important to the development of a society.首段中心句,本段中心观点 Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with peers, that child is likely to grow into an ineffectual, perhaps even an anti-social adult. Currently, with the quickening pace of modern life and decreasing of birth rate, most children are the single one in their families.似乎这点只在中国家庭成立 Though they own much better education resources and living conditions, the lacking of socialization causes their deficiency in communication, recognition and leadership, and all these factors impede the development of children, even make them become anti-social adult. The Virginia Tech massacre, a school shooting killed 32 people and wounded many others, happened on April 16, 2007. According to Larry Hinker, the university spokesman, the loneliness and apartness of the perpetrator are main reasons of this massacre.我觉得你例子举的很好,但是跟你的观点还缺少点联系,我觉得应该在加一句话论证,说明这个惨案是由于socilization造成的,小时候很孤单,没跟人接触,影响他心理正常发展.总之这层论证不够 Socialization help children grow up to be citizens who own sound mentality, and then lead to a better society.

However, socialization is not only one factor influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society. 中心句Values such as honesty, persistence, probity and kindness are other major factors to build a better society. Honesty and probity are the basic requirements for people living in today’s society, from communicating with friends to the negotiating between companies, even to the diplomacy between countries. Persistence is also vital, without it, a student is hard to gain a high score, an adult is impossible to own a high-quality carrier, and the whole society is unable to develop stably and continually. Beside, kindness is the ties among people, and in a society without kindness, people’s relationship is nerves, and they cannot get help from others when they need, what’s more, the interests will become the only thing people concerns. In short words, besides socialization, there are still many other characteristics which also play great roles to contribute to a better society.结尾总结,这一段列举了其它因素,基本都是从反面来论证,没有...会怎么样....个人感觉有些地方可以在论述的更细一下,没有Persistence为什么导致hard to gain a high score,为什么society is unable to develop stably and continually.此外个人觉得,这个high score不是很好,比如改成gain knowledge或者skill



Turning to the second claim, the education in today’s society overestimates the acquirement of knowledge, especially in the science and technology, meanwhile, at some extent, ignores the importance of building a healthy personality. It is timely and necessary to teach children how to treat and deal with unfortunate situations optimistically, tolerance of differing viewpoints and people who are different from them, respect for individual rights. Then, a greater cooperation across cultural and national boundaries will be formed. Until our society can gain all these goals, we can conclude that the children of the most recent half-century are creating a better society. 重心转移到better society

Unfortunately, even if children are building a better society, there is still a room for us to improve our skills of raising children. It is wise to build up more comfortable growing up environments, well-equipped instruments,个人觉得这里有点不太切题,或者我还没太理解的论证逻辑 such as schools and hospitals, and effective protective laws to help the growing up of children. Up to the present moment, some social issues like juvenile crimes have not been solved, and basics medical insurance system and the right to receive education of the children cannot be guaranteed. It happens from time to time that some children who are born in miserly poor areas, do not accept formal education and basic medical insurance at all. In the way we try to figure out all the issues, we are learning how to raising children to build a better society.

Overall, socialization is essential to the density of society, yet it cannot determine its density. Furthermore, there is still a long way to get before we know how to tutor children to create a better society.

首先,结构上很好,中心句,结论据都有
论证上,对体论中的几个关键词,基本都论证到了,论证得很全面
不过我觉得深度上还不太够,尤其是举例子论证的地方
语言上的问题我没改,我觉得语言上没有影响理解的地方,我主要是看楼主的结构和思想