【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】01.25号作业 by lsr91

lsr91UID: 2540702

In the 21st century, countries' competitions is not only on business or military affairs but also on something soft power just like education, diathesis of citizen, sports and so on. So I do not agree the opinion that governments spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics. I think governments should concentrate on physical training especially some kinds of weak items.



In China, there are over 1.3 billion people, it is more than approximately 6 times than the population of America. But duo to some kinds of unknowable reasons on physical training, on one hand, China always did not get good results in previous Olympic Games. At one time, U.S always got the first place in gold medal rank lists because of their passion and gift of sport. I have full reason to believe that why Japanese attacked China in 1930s is not only they need expend their colonies, but also Japanese thought Chinese are like a flock of ill cats. And when they occupied China, they called everyone Chinese is "the sick man of Asia". But nowadays, with the developing of Chinese sport level, China is becoming a whale in Olympic Games, especially its the number of gold metal took American first place in Beijing Olympic Games. In the meantime, China has changed its visage to the world.



At the beginning of 1970s, The U.S President was Richard Milhous Nixon. In 1971, China invited table tennis team of America to play a game as a friendly match. Since then China and the United States put an end to more than 20 years of isolation from the situation of personnel exchanges so that Sino-US reconciliation was the historic breakthrough. So sport is the key to ease the diplomatic impasse.


All in all, I think it is necessary for government to sponsor countries' athletics.


这篇作文最后一段没有什么可写的，而且实在想不出三个分论点了，麻烦改的人给点建议，谢谢！

glamorouskyUID: 2459211

大年三十写的先赞一个~~

ddcmj519UID: 176326

1# lsr91

In the 21st century, countries' competitions is not only on business or military affairs but also on something soft power不太理解,改成softwares? just like education, diathesis查字典的吧。。quality of citizen, sports and so on. So I do not agree the opinion that governments spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics. I think governments should concentrate on physical training especially some kinds of weak items.



In China, there are over 1.3 billion people,没有连词的两个分句 it is more than approximately 6 times than the population of America. But due to some kinds of unknowable reasons on physical training, on one hand, China always did not get good results in previous Olympic Games. At one time, U.S always got the first place in gold medal rank lists because of their passion and gift of sport.我觉得应该扣题说becuase they pay more attention等。 I have full reason to believe that why Japanese attacked China in 1930s is not only they need expend their colonies, but also Japanese thought Chinese are like a flock of ill cats. And when they occupied China, they called everyone Chinese is "the sick man of Asia". 我不是特别理解这两句和中心的关系。。But nowadays, with the developing of Chinese sport level, China is becoming a whale in Olympic Games, especially in the number of gold metal taking American first place in Beijing Olympic Games. In the meantime, China has changed its visage to the world.



At the beginning of 1970s, The U.S President was Richard Milhous Nixon. In 1971, China invited table tennis team of America to play a game as a friendly match. Since then China and the United States put an end to more than 20 years of isolation from the situation of personnel exchanges so that Sino-US reconciliation was the historic breakthrough. So sport is the key to ease the diplomatic impasse.



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All in all, I think it is necessary for government to sponsor countries' athletics. /

问题还是有点严重。。如果是6分制的话，大概在3-4分的水平。。
首先，你没能给出具体的理由，尤其第二段，没有具体点出中心，导致我看了好多遍才勉强搞懂你大概是要说“prospering athletics can change the visage of a country”（没错吧。。）如此一来，两个前后对比的例子还比较合适。但是具体的叙述方法需要改进，最好能在叙述中直击主题。
其次，段落内部结构有点混乱。分段叙述一般是 综述理由-详述1-例子1-详述2-例子2-----（总结）这样文章看上去才算的上条理清晰。2段3段都需要改进。
还有，从长短上看，有虎头蛇尾的嫌疑。。后面两段内容有待丰富。
最后，我提另外几点写这个文章的思路
by sponsoring athletics, sports stars can arouse attention all over world
                                   encourage people to excise thus reduce the risk of hypertension..
                                   create a positive atomsphere that labor and leisure combined perfectly.
补充说明一点。。
我个人认为这种对比型题目有必要在文章中提及一下对比方的优缺。当然这个仅为个人意见。。