[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 capricon2006的 第10次作业]

capricon2006UID: 2278984

In many countries, government spend more money on supporting athletics, the reason maybe is that administrators in these nations don’t think art play a more important role than sport in people’s lives. However, I don’t agree with these measures. We should appropriate more money to support arts, though support of athletics can impel the process of The National Fit.

First, almost each folk has at least one distinct culture that differ from others. And that these cultures are often represented through arts. For instance, Chinese china is not only a container but also an artwork that we take pride in. Through researching a series of china from different dynasties, historian can probe into the difference among cultures from different dynasties and even know the whole history of the folk or the Chinese nation. In the same ways, we also can touch other nations’ cultures only through attempt to realize their most typical artwork.

Second, arts also can improve our daily lives. Though arts may can’t bring us direct wealth, we can not say that arts is only a empty of frame. Sometimes, scientists may be inspired by arts to work better on their professional field. Einstein, Planck and Hahn, they not only all specialize in physics, but also all are interested in music; Galilei is both a astronomer and a poet; the identity of Vinci is architect, artist and scientist in renaissance, and the list will go on.

Further more, arts provide us a good measure of entertain. After a week work, it is a good idea that we, as well as our children, go to a gallery, which not only makes us free from fatigue from disgusting work, but also help us offers our children a chance to get close to these wonderful pictures.

gundammoleUID: 2300958

1# capricon2006

In many countries, government spend more money on supporting athletics, the reason maybe is that （前半句感觉有些繁琐，可改为probably because）administrators in these nations don’t think art play a more important role than sport in people’s lives. However, I don’t agree with these measures. We should appropriate more money to support arts, though support of athletics can impel the process of The National Fit（The National Fit是什么意思？）.

First（Firstly）, almost each folk（every individual） has at least one distinct culture that differ from others. And that(去掉that) these cultures are often represented through arts. For instance, Chinese china is not only a container but also an artwork that we take pride in. Through researching a series of china from different dynasties, historian can probe into the difference among cultures from different dynasties and even know the whole history of the folk or the Chinese nation. In the same ways（way）, we also can touch other nations’ cultures only through attempt to realize their most typical artwork.

Second（Secondly）, arts also can improve our daily lives. Though arts may can’t（may not） bring us direct (directly放在wealth后面)wealth, we can not say that arts is only a empty of （去掉of）frame.（这句话建议改成Although arts may not bring wealth to us directly, no one can deny that it isn’t an empty frame.） Sometimes, scientists may be inspired by arts to work better on their professional field. Einstein, Planck and Hahn, they not only all specialize in physics, but also all are interested in music; (这句话建议改成Einstein, Planck and Hahn do not only specialized in physics, but also interested in music. 1.not only…but also…的句子要倒装，2….all are…英文里没有这种说法，最多是…are all…。不要用中文的语法用在英文上) Galilei is both a astronomer and a poet; the identity of（去掉the identity of）Vinci is architect, artist and scientist in renaissance, and the list will go on.

Further more, arts provide to us a good measure of entertain（entertainment）. After a week work, it is a good idea that we, as well as our children, go to a gallery, which not only makes us free from fatigue from（and）disgusting work, but also help us offers our children a chance to get close to these wonderful pictures.( not only…but also…的句子要倒装同上)

整篇文章条理还比较清楚，但是一直都没有提到为什么要spend more money on art,这个“more”需要有论据去证明arts比athletics更值得花钱。所以感觉这篇文章讲的是arts对人们的意义，论点有点偏。
另外不知道楼主是否在写作中用了金山词霸之类的东西，建议尽量不要用，因为这样子写出来的文章经常会不通顺。
本人水平也有限，有什么经验大家互相交流吧，如有批改错误的地方尽管指出，望共勉^_^

capricon2006UID: 2278984

多谢ls如此认真批改！学习

qiangweiciUID: 2478469

In many countries, government spend more money on(in) supporting athletics, the reason maybe is that administrators in these nations don’t think art play a more important role than sport in people’s lives.(这样的表达不是很地道，一般美国人不像中国人一般喜欢转弯思考，要证明B好就先贬损A之类的，换成这样吧 Nowadays,in many countries,government spend more money in supporting athletics rather than arts in that administrators pay more attention to the importance of the former,which overshadows that of the latter in socia value system.) However, I don’t agree with these measures. We should appropriate more money to support arts, though support of athletics can impel the process of The National Fit.(换成这样吧 However, disapproving of these measures, I have a strong inclination of appropriating more money to accelerate the development of arts. 这里有个十分严重的错误，LZ得注意一下 在美国写作中，对Thesis的处理一般采用笼统法，注重观点明确，最忌讳过于细节化的内容出现在Thesis中，LZ原文里关于支持体育发展所带来好处的让步处理就是一个典型的细节信息，可以沿用进博论部分，但是放在Thesis里就特别失策~~)

First, almost each（each group of） folk has at least one distinct culture (cultural feature一个民众群体肯定只有一种文化，LZ想表达的应该是文化特性吧) that differ（differs） from others. And that these cultures(And these cultural features) are often represented through arts. For instance(For instance 和 For example 是一种蛮过时的表达，换成这样吧Taking Chinese china as an example,后面主语相应换成代词it), Chinese china (it) is not only a container but also an artwork that we take pride in. Through researching a series of china from different dynasties, historian can probe into the difference(differences) among cultures from different dynasties and even know the whole history of the folk or the Chinese nation. In the same ways(way), we also can touch（换成acquaint,touch一般不这么用） other nations’ cultures only(去掉only吧，过于绝对化的表达总是不怎么讨好的) through attempt to realize（appreciate） their most typical artwork(artworks).

Second, arts also can improve our daily lives. Though arts may can’t bring us direct(换成immediate) wealth, we can not say that arts is only a（an） empty of frame. Sometimes, scientists may be inspired by arts to work better on their professional field. Einstein, Planck and Hahn, they not only all specialize in physics, but also all are interested in music; Galilei is both a astronomer and a poet; the identity of Vinci is architect, artist and scientist in renaissance(Renaissance), and the list will go on(and the list goes on endless).(本段举的例子和TS的观点不是很符合，例子侧重arts促进科学家们在专业领域的发展，但TS说的是arts在日常生活中的作用，建议lz改下TS会比较好，换成这样吧 Arts also exerts a significant influence upon professional field of scientists.)

Further more(换成Finally吧 Furthermore 一般是用在第二点的位置), arts provide us a good measure（way） of entertain(entertainment). After a week work, it is a good idea that we, as well as our children, go to a gallery, which not only makes us free from fatigue from(of) disgusting(换成tired，disgusting这样的词用来形容工作太过了) work, but also help（helps） us offers(offer) our children a chance to get close to these wonderful pictures.
为什么没有总结段呢？缺了summary哦。虽然笑来哥哥也经常采用这样的format来创作，可是建议lz在自己驾驭文字和篇章思路的能力没有登峰造极时，还是按照常规的写法来做的，这样保险一些。


lz的文章思路蛮广的，里头有几个例子也举得不错。但是lz英文写作的基本功底还有些欠缺，对一些重要结构和部分的处理出现比较大的偏颇。另外，有一些单词的使用也出现比较大的出入，建议lz好好背背一些写作常用词汇，用准词。修改要是有什么不周到的地方，欢迎指出来了 大家一起加油！还有就是因为上个礼拜学校网络整修 改晚了 不好意思~~