〓dies in flames， reborn from the ash〓作业ISSUE30 By Alex_2009

Alex_2009UID: 2616286

30、"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."
what: technological advancement/ people's efficiency/ leisure time

The speaker advocates that technology’s primary goal should be to make people more efficient for the purpose of bringing them more leisure time. In my point of view, technological advancement indeed increase people’s efficiency, however, I think for technology focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings is more important than on affording more leisure time to be more comfortable.

Admittedly, with the advancement of technology our everyday lives become more efficient. Many fields had been developed as a result of the development of technology. Such as electronic communication, the born of telephone, especially the mobile phone shorted people’s distance, one don’t necessarily communicate with the other face-to-face, they can intercommunion with each other even if they are on the two side of the earth. Considering the traffic convenience today, we use bicycle、car or even plane instead of walking and horse in the ancient. The change diminishes our time on the way to work, and we can go to work in another place which is a little far away from home. Or consider the invention of internet. We can send email today which can arrive in destination by several seconds instead of send normal letter which should exhaust at least 24 hours. Through the internet multinational corporations can hold teleconference instead of gathering in one place to deal with their routine business. Hence, the human society has been enhanced a lot in efficiency.

With the development of technology, people’s lives level has been improved greatly. However, the advance didn’t bring people more leisure time and even go by the contrary. As a matter of fact, firstly, in modern society people have to spent more time and energy on studying new skills and technology to ensure they can keep a favorable position in the job market. Secondly, the advance of technology indeed has help people save some time on the same work than before, but some people had use it to do more jobs to keep their livings, and other people use them to earn more money to live more comfortable. Thirdly, people’s needs have increased result from their inner human desire following the development of technology. We can image the period before the emergence of internet, people didn’t have the need to surf on the internet. In this matter, people’s leisure will only be decreased along with the technology advancement.

Further more, it is more important that technological advancement focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings than on increasing people's leisure time. Such as environment problems, including industrial pollution、global warming、the hole in the ozone layer, all the world try the best to control and improve them, without dealing with them as quickly as possible people will suffer a lot from them. Or consider energy crisis, most natural resources are nonrenewable, lack of which the development of the modern society will be impeded. Considering serious illness like aids and breast cancer, how many children and woman have die of these serious diseases, and experts have fight with them for a long time, they are persist problems, but we must conquer them to ensure people’s healthy. All these problems are relevant to the fortune of our life and waiting to be treated with.

In sum, I really suspect the so-called increased leisure time technological advancement brought to us, and the speaker wrongly place the leisure time ahead of goals such as new energy, environment safe and people’s health which would determine the future of human society.

米饭袜子UID: 2532172

The speaker advocates that technology’s primary goal should be to make people more efficient for the purpose of bringing them more leisure time. In my point of view,（经典错误，from my piont of view） technological advancement indeed increase people’s efficiency, however,
I think for technology focus（focusing） on solving urgent social problems(问一句，efficency在现代人看来算不算urgent social problems?) that may determine the destiny of human beings is more important than on affording more leisure time to be more comfortable. 窃以为题目的重点是efficiency不是leisure time，leisure time只是为了支持题目认为应当重视efficiency而提出的理由，是辅助功能，不过我就顺着你的思路来看下面的吧)


Admittedly, with the advancement of technology our everyday lives become more efficient. Many fields had been developed as a result of the development of technology. Such as electronic communication, the born of telephone, especially the mobile phone shorted（short确实有动词形式，不过意思是vt., vi.【电】(使)短路 故意少给,）people’s distance, one don’t（doesn’t） necessarily communicate with the other（others） face-to-face, they can intercommunion with each other even if they are on the two side of the earth.（这句话感觉很啰嗦，手机这点儿好处一句话就行） Considering the traffic convenience today, we use bicycle（s）、car(s) or even plane(s) instead of walking(??,horsing还讲得过去，这个walking有点搞笑，难道有了那些交通工具，我们就不走路了???) and horse(horsing) in the ancient. The change diminishes our time on the way to work, and we can go to work in another place which is a little far away from home. Or consider(considering) the invention of internet（the Internet）. We can send email today which can arrive in destination(觉得这个有问题但不着咋改) by several seconds instead of send（ing） normal letter（s） which should exhaust(这词能用这儿？？) at least 24 hours. Through the internet multinational corporations can hold teleconference instead of gathering in one place to deal with their routine business. Hence, the human society has been enhanced a lot in efficiency.


（这段讲肯定的方面小啰嗦，可以再精简，毕竟不是论题重点）

With the development of technology, people’s lives level(???life做复数是生命的意思)) has been improved greatly. However, the advance didn’t bring people more leisure time and even go by the contrary（我米见过这种表达。。。不知对否）. As a matter of fact, firstly, in modern society people have to spent more time and energy on studying new skills and technology（technologies） to ensure they can keep a favorable position in the job market(有chinglish之嫌). Secondly, the advance of technology indeed has help people save some time on the same work than before, but some people had use it to do more jobs to keep their livings, and other people use them to earn more money to live more comfortable（comfortbly）. Thirdly, people’s needs have increased result from their inner human desire following the development of technology. We can image the period before the emergence of internet, people didn’t have the need to surf on the internet(这个例子是为了说明人类的欲望增长了使leisure time减少的问题？?什么是leisure？surf the Internet不算一种leisure??). In this matter, people’s leisure will only be decreased along with the technology advancement.

Further more, it is more important that technological advancement focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings than on increasing people's leisure time. Such as environment problems, including industrial pollution、global warming、the hole in the ozone layer, all the world try the best to control and improve them, without dealing with them as quickly as possible people will suffer a lot from them（注意表达，放眼一望好多them，读着啰嗦且不爽）. Or consider（ing） energy crisis, most natural resources are nonrenewable, lack of which the development of the modern society will be impeded(这句有语法问题). Considering（这个句式见了不下四次了在你文里，换换吧）
serious illness like aids and breast cancer, how many children and woman have die（dead） of these serious diseases, and experts have fight(fought)) with them for a long time, they are persist problems(???????), but we must conquer them to ensure people’s healthy. All these problems are relevant to the fortune of our life and waiting to be treated with.
(按你的意思，人们发展tech不应该关注诸如leisure time这样的小问题，而应该关注社会亟待解决的一些问题对吧？但你上段中举的这些个问题-----环境问题，人类健康问题，能源问题--------都是谁引起的？不还是人类发展的tech引起的？人类当然知道当务之急是解决这些问题，但从没有停止过继续tech的发展，继续恶化这些问题。这些问题之所以还存在着，不是因为发展tech时没有给予足够的重视，而是人类的贪婪在作梗。--------SIGH可能有点钻牛角尖，你看看就成
不过 还有一个问题是：你能通过“应该是什么”来证明“不应该是什么”么？我认为不能吧。)

In sum, I really suspect the so-called increased leisure time technological advancement brought to us, and the speaker wrongly place the leisure time ahead of goals such as new energy, environment safe and people’s health which would determine the future of human society. Summary：段间逻辑还是很清楚的，一些问题已在文中指出。很让 米饭头疼的是这篇文小的语法错误太多，单复数啦，现在分词啦，建议下回先自己改改。另外语言有点啰嗦，重复较多。

改的不对的地方包涵米饭啦~

米饭袜子UID: 2532172

疯了，这个编辑问题！！！晚上回来再贴一次，抱歉

PassonChenUID: 2614331

很好：红色；
欠佳与修改：蓝色；
标注：绿色。

The speaker advocates that technology’s primary goal should be to make people more efficient for the purpose of bringing them more leisure time. In my point of view, technological advancement indeed increase people’s efficiency, however, I think for technology focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings is more important than on affording more leisure time to be more comfortable.
一方面点题，一方面提出自己的观点，很好。
下面是我写的，你看一下怎样？
The speaker advocates that technology’s primary goal should be to make people more efficient for the purpose of bringing them more leisure time. I agree that technological advancement does have  increased people’s efficiency, however, as far as I'm concerned, focusing technology on solving urgent social problems that may have a say to the destiny of human beings is more important than providing more leisure time for the sake of more comfort.


Admittedly, with the advancement of technology our everyday lives become more efficient. Many fields had been developed as a result of the development of technology. Such as electronic communication, the born of telephone, especially the mobile phone shorted people’s distance, one don’t necessarily communicate with the other face-to-face, they can intercommunion with each other even if they are on the two side of the earth. Considering the traffic convenience today, we use bicycleS，carS AND even planeS instead of walking and RIDING A horse AS in the PAST. The change diminishes our time on the way to work, and we can go to work in another place which is a little far away from home. Or consider the invention of internet. We can send email today which can arrive in destination by several seconds instead of send normal letter which should exhaust at least 24 hours. Through the internet multinational corporations can hold teleconference instead of gathering in one place to deal with their routine business. Hence, the human society has been enhanced a lot in efficiency.
（觉得还应谈谈最重要的：工业生产效率。这里的老大就是各种机器了）
With the development of technology, people’s lives level has been improved greatly. However, the advance didn’t bring people more leisure time and even go by the contrary. As a matter of fact, firstly, in modern society people have to spent more time and energy on studying new skills and technology to ensure they can keep a favorable position in the job market. Secondly, the advance of technology indeed has help people save some time on the same work than before, but some people had use it to do more jobs to keep their livings, and other people use them to earn more money to live more comfortable. Thirdly, people’s needs have increased result from their inner human desire following the development of technology. We can image the period before the emergence of internet, people didn’t have the need to surf on the internet. In this matter, people’s leisure will only be decreased along with the technology advancement.

Further more, it is more important that technological advancement focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings than on increasing people's leisure time. Such  environment problems as industrial pollution，global warming，the hole in the ozone layer（标点）， all the world try the best to control and improve them（不好吧？IMPROVE POLLUTION之类？）, without dealing with them as quickly as possible people will suffer a lot from them. Or consider the energy crisis:most natural resources are nonrenewable, by the lack of which the development of the modern society will be impeded. Considering serious illnesses like AIDS and breast cancer, how many children and woman have die of these serious diseases, and experts have fight with them for a long time, they are persist problems, but we must conquer them to ensure people’s healthy.（这个句子太多问题了） All these problems are relevant to the fortune of our life and waiting to be treated with.
aLEX似乎很喜欢用什么CONSIDERING，CONSIDER这类，请注意：前者是一个独立成分，要与主句的主语逻辑一致；后者则是祈使句，单独成句，用冒号与后面内容隔开。要表让步吗，换几种表达嘛。如：GIVEN (THAT(；PROVIDED THAT；providing that(这几个可以当做连词来用，不用考虑什么主谓一致）taking     x xx   into account;
对问题句修改参考：Given all the serious illnesses such as AIDS and breast cancer, it's not difficult to imagine the death  toll brought by them, but our experts have been fighting against them for so long, only to conferm that they remain persistent.
原句太多句了！一个句子里面一个主语，加上BUT 转一下两个嘛，如果转得厉害，再加一个嘛，但你的那句中不知有多少句了，而且它们之间的逻辑很混乱。句子不在有多少句，而在一句有多少修饰！

In sum, I really suspect the so-called increased leisure time technological advancement brought to us, and the speaker wrongly place the leisure time ahead of goals such as new energy, environment safe and people’s health which would determine the future of human society. (这种简单的重复要避免）
首先，我认为文章结构是很好的，也很连贯；这不是与米饭作对。我认为段与段之间的连贯并不是什么FIRST SECOND THIRD，而是意思上的连贯，思维是一个整体。很明显，支离破碎的思想也能写出FIRST SECOND THIRD。

Alex_2009UID: 2616286

The speaker advocates that technology’s primary goal should be to make people more efficient for the purpose of bringing them more leisure time. From my piont of view, technological advancement indeed increase people’s efficiency, however, I think for technology focuson solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings is more important than on affording more leisure time to be more comfortable.

Admittedly, with the advancement of technology our everyday lives become more efficient. Many fields had been developed as a result of the development of technology. Such as electronic communication, the born of telephone, especially the mobile phone shorten people’s distance, one doesn’t necessarily communicate with others face-to-face, they can intercommunion with each other even if they are on the two side of the earth.
Considering the traffic convenience today, we use bicycles、cars or even planes instead of walking and horsing in the ancient. The change diminishes our time on the way to work, and we can go to work in another place which is a little far away from home. Considering the invention of the Internet. We can send email today which can arrive in destination by several seconds instead of sending normal letters which should exhaust at least 24 hours. Through the internet multinational corporations can hold teleconference instead of gathering in one place to deal with their routine business. Hence, the human society has been enhanced a lot in efficiency.

With the development of technology, people’s lives level has been improved greatly. However, the advance didn’t bring people more leisure time and even go by the contrary. As a matter of fact, firstly, in modern society people have to spent more time and energy on studying new skills and technologies to ensure they can keep a favorable position in the job market. Secondly, the advance of technology indeed has help people save some time on the same work than before, but some people had use it to do more jobs to keep their livings, and other people use them to earn more money to live more comfortably. Thirdly, people’s needs have increased result from their inner human desire following the development of technology. We can image the period before the emergence of internet, people didn’t have the need to surf on the internet. In this matter, people’s leisure will only be decreased along with the technology advancement.

Further more, it is more important that technological advancement focus on solving urgent social problems that may determine the destiny of human beings than on increasing people's leisure time. Such as environment problems, including industrial pollution、global warming、the hole in the ozone layer, all the world try the best to control and improve them, without dealing with them as quickly as possible people will suffer a lot from them. Or consider energy crisis, most natural resources are nonrenewable, lack of which the development of the modern society will be impeded. Considering serious illness like aids and breast cancer, how many children and woman have die（dead） of these serious diseases, and experts have fought with them for a long time, they are persist problems, but we must conquer them to ensure people’s healthy. All these problems are relevant to the fortune of our life and waiting to be treated with.

In sum, I really suspect the so-called increased leisure time technological advancement brought to us, and the speaker wrongly place the leisure time ahead of goals such as new energy, environment safe and people’s health which would determine the future of human society.