0910AW 同主题写作第一期 ISSUE13 by Galloper B05 晓东（i2000s）

i2000sUID: 2108019

好久没写了，这次没限时，花了3.5小时写的。
可能有点多~

"At lest half of the total more than 6000 human languages in the world", said by Min Bista, an officer of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) in the 10th International Mother Language Day annual meeting, "are facing extinction. And recent study suggests that 90% human languages will disappear in the planet by the year of 2050." As most people do, I sincerely agree that it's time for governments to do something to prevent the world's disappearing languages from extinction.

Irreversibly, if language disappears, so will the national culture and thoughts, both of which are all based on it. The first list, things in which will unavoidably disappear in abreast of the language extinction, may include folk stories, fairy tale, hero sagas, fables, rhythmic poems, folk music, riddles, drama, as well as the history of ethnic groups, frequently passed down by generations in their own language, especially in oral formation, all of which severely dependent on the language transmitting them. Characterized rituals and national thoughts system will also vanish, which may ultimately lead to the degeneration and monotony of human society and human minds. Hence we can borrow less and less inspiration of social development from the gradually weakened cultural diversity, and may never repeat the gloriously cultural prosperity and rapidly developing times as Roman Empire who had learnt much from Greece, as Arab Empire who had referenced much from Roman, as medieval Europe who had simulated much from Arab, or as the Renaissance Europe who had exemplified much from the Byzantine Empire.

In fact, advancement of society indeed intensifies the assimilation of ethnic groups and languages. In the expansive Empire times, Britain, French, Spanish, Portugal and other wealthy empires not only brought their advanced technologies to the colony, but also transfused the aboriginals with the empire's cultural ideals and languages, which accelerated the extinction of indigenous language and culture. When history brands its footprints onto the early morning of the 21st century, here comes the overwhelming globalization, which urges no less than before seeking the universal language to facilitate the transaction in the global market. More and more indigenous people are wallowed into the economic society and learning official language, or even abandoning their mother tongue to pursue better livehood. We cannot stop the formed tide of English learning all over the world, but we should respect deeply into the cause of language extinction to call for a halt of culture monotony trend.

The decreasing number of people speak the less-known language may be only a superficial phenomena of language extinction, some profound forces, be it internal or external, actually compel the process marching on and on. Along with the globalization mentioned above, especially the popularization of internet and cell phones, as well as the increasing mobility of population, inevitably expands the opportunity of mutual communication among various kinds of people, in which the minority people may found severe discrimination and seclusion and hence may feel sham and unnecessary to speak their own ethnic language in public occasions. This may be easier happened to young people than the senior ones, the former of who have eager desire of equality in daily lives and the strong ability to learn new languages. Such force is unremittingly pushing the young generation to give up their mother language and hence turns out with fewer and fewer people speaking it after several generations. A vivid example can be token to the Manchu that belongs to an used popular language in Qing Dynasty of China, 200 year ago, but now an in danger language with only less than 1000 people speak it, most of which is senior people, and the number of the nationality should speak it is now more than 10 million. What a large contrast between the numbers! And by far, India and the United States of America, both of which are believed with the most disequilibrium nationality developments, have become the top two countries with the largest number of in danger languages in the world. How can we halt the trend of the language extinction?

What the governments of the countries in which these dying out languages are spoken should not only focus their sights onto persuading more people to speak the language in danger, but also should onto protecting the culture diversity, providing equal development opportunities to the indigenous peoples, and emphasizing favorable policies on the younger people, for only all of them carried on as a whole can prevent more languages from extinction fundamentally. Bilingual educations should be popularized in young generation of the minority peoples. Websites, cell phones, public signs in diverse languages should also be designed comprehensively. Policies emphasized on ethnic equality should be carried on firmly. Measurements, such as cultural tour, to enlarge indigenous people's income should be intensified. Even more, researches on national language, culture and multiple languages automatic translator should also be financially supported much more than before. So as the UNESCO set the February 21st as the International Mother Language Day ten years ago, I believes, with several years' practical collaboration of governments all around the world, we can undoubtedly prevent more languages from sliding into danger.

更新第二水

i2000sUID: 2108019

再没人改我可要继续加长篇幅了   呵呵

.C.C.UID: 2645494

会有人改的…………你等着吧………………今天看了你改的两篇（包括我的）~好狠啊~~啊，我要向你学习，哈

ystyleUID: 2454212

B07改 字数好多呀。。。。。。

"At lest half of the total more than 6000 human languages in theworld", said by Min Bista, an officer of United Nations Educational,Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) in the 10th InternationalMother Language Day annual meeting, "are facing extinction. And recentstudy suggests that 90% human languages will disappear in the planet bythe year of 2050." （采用这种方式陈述题目开头很新颖，不错~）As most people do, I sincerely agree that it's timefor governments to do something to prevent the world's disappearinglanguages from extinction.

Irreversibly, if language disappears, so will the national culture andthoughts, both of which are all （应该没有all）based on it. The first list, things inwhich will unavoidably disappear in abreast of the language extinction,may include folk stories, fairy tale, hero sagas, fables, rhythmicpoems, folk music, riddles, drama, as well as the history of ethnicgroups（这部分的距离有些冗余，适当减少一些也许会好一些）, frequently passed down by generations（passed by generations就可以吧？） in their own language,especially in oral formation, all of which severely dependent on thelanguage transmitting them. Characterized rituals and national thoughtssystem will also vanish, which may ultimately lead to the degenerationand monotony of human society and human minds. Hence we can borrow lessand less inspiration of social development from the gradually weakenedcultural diversity, and may never repeat the gloriously culturalprosperity and rapidly developing times as Roman Empire who had learntmuch from Greece, as Arab Empire who had referenced much from Roman, asmedieval Europe who had simulated much from Arab, or as the RenaissanceEurope who had exemplified much from the Byzantine Empire.（一连串的排比举例给人感觉不错~）

In fact, advancement of society indeed intensifies the assimilation ofethnic groups and languages. In the expansive Empire times, Britain,French, Spanish, Portugal and other wealthy empires not only broughttheir advanced technologies to the colony, but also transfused theaboriginals with the empire's cultural ideals and languages, whichaccelerated the extinction of indigenous language and culture. Whenhistory brands its footprints onto the early morning of the 21stcentury, here comes the overwhelming globalization, which urges no lessthan before seeking the universal language to facilitate thetransaction in the global market. More and more indigenous people arewallowed into the economic society and learning official language, oreven abandoning their mother tongue to pursue better livehood. Wecannot stop the formed tide of English learning all over the world, butwe should respect deeply into the cause of language extinction to callfor a halt of culture monotony trend.（上一段是在论述保护小语种的意义，这一段有跳转到了为什么会有语种灭绝，有些突兀和混乱。个人感觉把这段内容放在上一段之前会更好一些，而且作业是agree这个issue的观点的，所以这部分没必要详加论述。）

The decreasing number of people speak the less-known language may beonly a superficial phenomena of language extinction, some profoundforces, be it internal or external, actually compel the processmarching on and on. Along with the globalization mentioned above,especially the popularization of internet and cell phones, as well asthe increasing mobility of population, inevitably expands theopportunity of mutual communication among various kinds of people, inwhich the minority people may found severe discrimination and seclusionand hence may feel sham and unnecessary to speak their own ethniclanguage in public occasions. This may be easier happened to youngpeople than the senior ones, the former of who have eager desire ofequality in daily lives and the strong ability to learn new languages.Such force is unremittingly pushing the young generation to give uptheir mother language and hence turns out with fewer and fewer peoplespeaking it after several generations. A vivid example can be token tothe Manchu that belongs to an used popular language in Qing Dynasty ofChina, 200 year ago, but now an in danger language with only less than1000 people speak it, most of which is senior people, and the number ofthe nationality should speak it is now more than 10 million. What alarge contrast between the numbers! And by far, India and the UnitedStates of America, both of which are believed with the mostdisequilibrium nationality developments, have become the top twocountries with the largest number of in danger languages in the world.How can we halt the trend of the language extinction?（感觉这段和上一段论述的主题是一样的，而我认为既然同意issue的观点，就应该在小语种对我们的重要意义上详加陈述，而不是为什么会有语种灭绝现象等。）

What the governments of the countries in which these dying outlanguages are spoken should not only focus their sights onto persuadingmore people to speak the language in danger, but also should ontoprotecting the culture diversity, providing equal developmentopportunities to the indigenous peoples, and emphasizing favorablepolicies on the younger people, for only all of them carried on as awhole can prevent more languages from extinction fundamentally.Bilingual educations should be popularized in young generation of theminority peoples. Websites, cell phones, public signs in diverselanguages should also be designed comprehensively. Policies emphasizedon ethnic equality should be carried on firmly. Measurements, such ascultural tour, to enlarge indigenous people's income should beintensified. Even more, researches on national language, culture andmultiple languages automatic translator should also be financiallysupported much more than before. So as the UNESCO set the February 21stas the International Mother Language Day ten years ago, I believes,with several years' practical collaboration of governments all aroundthe world, we can undoubtedly prevent more languages from sliding intodanger.（作为结尾的总结段是不是应另起一段呢？）

1、文章字数绝对够哈，或者说有些过多啦，还有就是有些细节地方，如用词，长句等的把握应该还能进一步提高。
2、文章的结构有待进一步加强，应围绕中心论题进行详细阐述，分清主次，详略得当。
3、个人觉得可以参照一些模板对文章进行删减整理，会好很多。

一起加油哈~~O(∩_∩)O

kittyharuUID: 2539664

哈哈，这次是格子改晓东的了~~~(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……

"At lest(least) half of the total more than 6000 human languages in the world", said by Min Bista, an officer of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) in the 10th International Mother Language Day annual meeting, "are facing extinction. And recent study suggests that 90% human languages will disappear in（这里from 比较好吧) the planet by the year of 2050." As most people do, I sincerely agree that it's time for governments to do something to prevent the world's disappearing languages from extinction.
开头段挺新颖的，佩服~~~要是让我这样写，我都不知道该举什么例子开头。脑子里素材太少了，呜。。。

Irreversibly, if （我觉得这里加个a比较好） language disappears, so will the national culture and thoughts, both of which are all based on it. The first list（呃。。。我好像没见过这种用法，可不可以呢？）, things in which will unavoidably disappear in abreast of the language extinction, may include folk stories, fairy tale, hero sagas, fables, rhythmic poems, folk music, riddles, drama, as well as the history of ethnic groups, frequently passed down by（这里的by我觉得有待商榷，一般用法是passed down from generation to generation，或者passed down between generations） generations in their own language, especially in oral formation, all of which severely dependent on the language transmitting them.（哈哈，这个例子跟我用的一样哎） Characterized rituals and national thoughts system will also vanish, which may ultimately lead to the degeneration and monotony of human society and human minds（嗯，导致思维的单一化这种思路很好）. Hence we can borrow less and less inspiration of social development from the gradually weakened cultural diversity, and may never repeat the gloriously cultural prosperity and rapidly developing times as Roman Empire who had learnt much from Greece, as Arab Empire who had referenced much from Roman, as medieval Europe who had simulated much from Arab, or as the Renaissance Europe who had exemplified much from the Byzantine Empire.（前面这长长的一句很不错哎~~~学习了）文化的遗失和多样性的退化，这两个写在一段里，中间衔接得不错。

In fact, advancement of society indeed intensifies the assimilation of ethnic groups and languages. In the expansive Empire times, Britain, French, Spanish, Portugal and other wealthy empires not only brought their advanced technologies to the colony, but also transfused the aboriginals with the empire's cultural ideals and languages, which accelerated the extinction of indigenous language and culture. When history brands its footprints onto the early morning of the 21st century, here comes the overwhelming globalization, which urges no less than before seeking the universal language to facilitate the transaction in the global market.（这个长句，被我如获至宝地学去了~） More and more indigenous people are wallowed into the economic society and learning official language, or even abandoning their mother tongue to pursue better livehood. We cannot stop the formed tide of English learning all over the world, but we should respect deeply into the cause of language extinction to call for a halt of culture monotony trend.用举例的方式引出这段，写的是extinction of languages的历史，呃，感觉比我的思路好。

The decreasing number of people speak the less-known（lesser-known） language may be only a superficial phenomena of language extinction, some profound forces, be it internal or external, actually compel the process marching on and on. Along with the globalization mentioned above, especially the popularization of internet and cell phones, as well as the increasing mobility of population, inevitably expands the opportunity of mutual communication among various kinds of people, in which the minority people may found severe discrimination and seclusion and hence may feel sham（shame） and unnecessary to speak their own ethnic language in public occasions. This may be easier happened to young people than the senior ones, the former of who have eager desire of equality in daily lives and the strong ability to learn new languages. Such force is unremittingly pushing the young generation to give up their mother language and hence turns out with fewer and fewer people speaking it after several generations. A vivid example can be token to the Manchu that belongs to an used popular language in Qing Dynasty of China, 200 year ago, but now an in danger language with only less than 1000 people speak it, most of which is senior people, and the number of the nationality should speak it is now more than 10 million. What a large contrast between the numbers! And by far, India and the United States of America, both of which are believed with the most disequilibrium nationality developments, have become the top two countries with the largest number of in danger languages in the world. How can we halt the trend of the language extinction?
分析深层次原因，嗯。。。我找到了点官方范文的感觉。。。只是我觉得和上一段有点重复，只是用了不同的事例而已。我觉得这一段应该起到承上启下的作用，由上一段语言逐渐消失的历史原因，到这一段深层次原因，再过渡到由原因得出政府应该怎么做。所以这一段没必要写太长。

What the governments of the countries in which these dying out languages are spoken should not only focus their sights onto （focus their sights onto这种用法好像不常见）persuading more people to speak the language in danger, but also should onto protecting the culture diversity, providing equal development opportunities to the indigenous peoples, and emphasizing favorable policies on the younger people, for only all of them carried on as a whole can prevent more languages from extinction fundamentally. Bilingual educations should be popularized in young generation of the minority peoples. Websites, cell phones, public signs in diverse languages should also be designed comprehensively. Policies emphasized on ethnic equality should be carried on firmly. Measurements, such as cultural tour, to enlarge indigenous people's income should be intensified. Even more, researches on national language, culture and multiple languages automatic translator should also be financially supported much more than before. So as the UNESCO set the February 21st as the International Mother Language Day ten years ago, I believes, with several years' practical collaboration of governments all around the world, we can undoubtedly prevent more languages from sliding into danger.
保护文化也可以保护语言，这一点我还真没先到，只想到保护语言可以保护文化了。

总评：
小东你太有才了
思路、字数都让我五体投地
语法方面：长句很多读起来感觉很好~
思路方面：分析得比我深刻很多。
不足之处：我想是不是字数太多了，到时候毕竟只有45分钟。我现在也是这样，想写的东西太多，我觉得思路上我们都还需要会取舍。再就是文字上也有一些冗长。当然，已经很棒了~真的很棒了~
如果点评的有错误，望指正。。。
一起加油~~~