同主题ARGUMENT242 =August Rush=小组第1次作业 by cqyanbo

cqyanboUID：2515250

242The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.
"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."


分析：
1.
新体制下报道的作弊数量比旧体制下报道的作弊数量少，但是这种数量的减少并不一定是采用新体制引起的。
①
学院总学生数量的减少。
②
学生渐渐意识到作弊对自己的影响。
2.
大部分学生的承诺并不可信
①
学生可能没有说实话。
②
学生样本并不具有代表性。接受调查的这些学生可能并不喜欢作弊，不管是在哪种
制度下
3.
在Groventon中成功并不代表在其他学校也能成功。
①
也许Groventon并不只以考试成绩来评定学生的优劣，所以Groventon的学生并
没有很强烈的作弊意愿。
②
也可能与学生的素质高低有关，Groventon的学生都是很优秀的学生，都可以靠自
己的努力来取得好的考试成绩。

cqyanboUID：2515250

This argue asserts that colleges and universities should all adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s for preventing rise trend of cheating among college and university students. For supporting this assertion, the author cited a fact that Groveton has less number of cases of cheating per year when it adopted honor code rather than old-fashioned system. After this, the author also provided a result of survey to indicate that a majority of students who were invited by this survey said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without. However, the supporting points author provided are too weak for author to raise the conclusion.

First of all, author provided evidence that twenty-one cases of cheating were reported at the first year the Groveton had adopted honor code and it was only fourteen cases five years later to prove that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system. However, this evidence is not the case. The author only provided the average number of cheating cases, but author did not provide the data the Groveton obtained per year before adopting honor code. Perhaps in some years before Groveton adopted honor code, Groveton had less number of cheating cases than twenty-one or fourteen. Moreover, even if Groveton received less number of cheating cases after it adopted honor code, there is no evidence strong enough to prove that this decline trend is caused by honor code. Perhaps because of the number of students in this college has declined, or students in this college have realized that cheating cannot give them useful knowledge that they should have to learn in college. Thus, it is hard to convincing that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system according the data the author provided.

Second, even if honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system in Groveton, there is no enough evidence for author to assert students in Groveton would not cheating according a result of survey that a majority of students involved into this survey said they would less likely to cheat with an honor code. Because there is no information to prove that the sample this survey used was the one set that can be a representative of all students in Groveton, perhaps students involved in this survey did not like cheating no matter with honor code or old-fashion system. Moreover, perhaps this survey is not anonymous that students involved in this survey had concerns that their school life would be affected by this survey, thus these students lied in the survey. Thus, either one point listed above can prove that this survey is not reliable enough.

Finally, even if honor code works well in Groveton and students in Groveton would be less likely to cheat, the author cannot claim that all colleges and universities should adopted honor code similar to Groveton’s. Each school has its own situation. Perhaps all of Groveton’s students are good at learning, thus they do not need get high test scores through cheating. Perhaps Groveton do not evaluate a student only using test scores. So that, the author cannot assert that honor code can also succeed in all colleges and universities.

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should have to demonstrate that the number of cheating cases in Groveton is really declining and this trend is caused by honor code. Additionally, the author also should prove that the result of survey can represent the voice of all students in Groveton. More important is that the author should prove that other schools can also success to decline the number of cheating cases through using honor code, even it succeed in Groveton.

cqyanboUID：2515250

写得不好，请各位包涵！

wisleUID：2578616

破题结构很清晰，很准确；示意图也画得不错，学习了~！

字数616
This argue asserts that colleges and universities should all adopthonor codes similar to Groveton’s for preventing rise trend of cheating amongcollege and university students. For supporting this assertion, the author citeda fact that Groveton has less number of cases of cheating per year when it adoptedhonor code rather than old-fashioned system. After this, the author also provided a result of survey to indicatethat a majority of students who were invited by this survey said that theywould be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without. （繁琐，建议改成：Besides, a survey result from students – they are less likely tocheat in the new system - was used to indicate the success of Groveton’s.）However, the supporting points author provided are too weak forauthor to raise the conclusion.(the vague given points weaken the author’sconclusion.)

First of all, author provided evidence that twenty-one cases ofcheating were reported at the first year the Groveton had adopted honor codeand it was only fourteen cases five years later to prove that honor code ismore effective than old-fashioned system. However, this evidence is not thecase. The author only provided the average number of cheating cases, but authordid not provide the data the Groveton obtained per year before adopting honorcode. Perhaps in some years before Groveton adopted honor code, Groveton hadless number of cheating cases than twenty-one or fourteen. Moreover, even ifGroveton received less number of cheating cases after it adopted honor code, thereis no evidence strong enough to prove that this decline trend is caused byhonor code, perhaps, because of(删) the number of students inthis college has declined, or students in this college have realized thatcheating cannot give them useful knowledge that they should have to learn incollege. Thus, it is hard to convincing(convince) that honor codeis more effective than old-fashioned system according the data the authorprovided.

Second, even if honor code is more effective than old-fashionedsystem in Groveton, there is no enough evidence for author to assert studentsin Groveton would not cheating according a result of survey that a majority ofstudents involved into this survey said they would less likely to cheat with anhonor code. Because there is no information to prove that the sample thissurvey used was the one set that can be a representative of all students inGroveton, perhaps students involved in this survey did not like cheating no matter with(in either) honor code orold-fashion system. Moreover, perhaps this survey is not anonymous thatstudents involved in this survey had concerns that their school life would beaffected by this survey, thus these students lied in the survey. Thus, either one(any) point listed above canprove that this survey is not reliable enough.

Finally, even if honor code works well in Groveton and students inGroveton would be less likely to cheat, the author cannot claim that allcolleges and universities should adopted honor code similar to Groveton’s. Eachschool has its own situation. Perhaps all of Groveton’s students are good atlearning, thus they do not need get high test scores through cheating. PerhapsGroveton do not evaluate a student only using test scores. So that, the authorcannot assert that honor code can also succeed in all colleges anduniversities.

As it stands(少见，呵呵), the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logicallyacceptable, the author should have to demonstrate that the number of cheatingcases in Groveton is really declining and this trend is caused by honor code.Additionally, the author also should prove that the result of survey canrepresent the voice of all students in Groveton. More important is that theauthor should prove that other schools can also success to decline the numberof cheating cases through using honor code, even it succeed in Groveton.

整体感觉，语言本身没什么问题，显得朴实。感觉要是能够试着用用复杂句会好一些，句式结构有点保守，可以对有些句子精简下，这样显得读起来很清楚明了。感觉用了很多perhaps，thus，建议多找些同义词替换，比如maybe，therefore…
在文章内容上读起来很充实，论证说理也很详实，这点值得学习。

Mason.PDUID：2592013

This argue asserts（时态？） that colleges and universities should all adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s for preventing rise trend of cheating among college and university students. For supporting this assertion, the author cited（时态？） a fact that Groveton has less number of cases of cheating per year when it adopted honor code rather than old-fashioned system. After this, the author also provided（时态？） a result of survey to indicate that a majority of students who were invited by this survey said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without. However, the supporting points author provided are too weak for author to raise the conclusion.（长了一点。。。110字，不过对比全文的字数的话还是比较合适的）

First of all, author provided（时态？） evidence that twenty-one cases of cheating were reported at the first year the Groveton had adopted honor code and it was only fourteen cases five years later to prove that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system（这句改的漂亮）. However, this evidence is（时态？） not the case. The author only provided the average number of cheating cases, but author did not provide the data the Groveton obtained（obtain data？有这样的搭配吗？我不知道） per year before adopting honor code. Perhaps in some years before Groveton adopted honor code, Groveton had less number of cheating cases than twenty-one or fourteen. Moreover, even if Groveton received less number of cheating cases after it adopted honor code, there is no evidence strong enough to prove that this decline trend is caused by honor code. Perhaps （加上It is）because of（去掉） the number of students in this college has declined, or students in this college have realized that cheating cannot give them useful knowledge that they should have to learn in college. Thus, it is hard to convincing that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system according the data the author provided.

Second, even if honor code is（时态？） more effective than old-fashioned system in Groveton, there is no（not）enough evidence for author（这个搭配我没有见过） to assert students in Groveton would not cheating according a result of survey that a majority of students involved into this survey（重复说了 去掉） said they would less likely to cheat with an honor code. Because there is no information to prove that the sample this survey used was the one set（佝偻寡闻 我不知道什么意思）
that can be a representative of all students in Groveton, perhaps students involved in this survey did（时态？） not like cheating no matter with honor code or old-fashion system. Moreover, perhaps this survey is not anonymous（这个用的好） that students involved in this survey had concerns that their school life would be affected by this survey, thus these students lied in the survey. Thus, either one point listed above can prove that this survey is not reliable enough.

Finally, even if honor code works well in Groveton and students in Groveton would be less likely to cheat, the author cannot claim that all colleges and universities should adopted honor code similar to Groveton’s. Each school has its own situation. Perhaps all of Groveton’s students are good at learning, thus they do not need get high test scores through cheating. Perhaps Groveton do not evaluate a student only using test scores. So that, the author cannot assert that honor code can also succeed in all colleges and universities.(这段看着很死板）

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should have to demonstrate that the number of cheating cases in Groveton is really declining and this trend is caused by honor code. Additionally, the author also should prove that the result of survey can represent the voice of all students in Groveton. More important is that the author should prove that other schools can also success to decline the number of cheating cases through using honor code, even it succeed in Groveton.

我说几句啊，一个时态问题，你的文章喜欢在引用的时候用过去式，而在陈述的地方用现在时。这样我觉得有点时态混乱，建议全篇都用一般现在时，表示作者的观点。还有就是，发现你很喜欢套从句，这样字数虽然上去了，但是文章看得人很累（至少我看得很累）。有些地方能简则简。还有后面的段落似乎写的比较马虎，句式比较单一。。
不过考虑的很周到 值得学习！

kkjj2008UID：2653462

论证很细，很欣赏。看了你给我的建议，非常感激，那篇文是我限时搞定的，自觉速度和质量都有待提高。楼主的建议很赞，我的确应该去背一些模板，可以快速提高句子质量，呵呵。
    建议楼主在缜密于题目的同时，适当发散思维，考虑问题时不仅仅局限于一个方面的主体，比如学生，多考虑其它因素，比如学校管理等。另外，本文的撰稿人是学校里的人，这也是一个很好驳的个人偏好的点，惭愧的是我的文中没有说得很清楚。

lucarlUID：2616426

242The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.
"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."


分析：
1.
新体制下报道的作弊数量比旧体制下报道的作弊数量少，但是这种数量的减少并不一定是采用新体制引起的。
①
学院总学生数量的减少。
②
学生渐渐意识到作弊对自己的影响。
2.
大部分学生的承诺并不可信
①
学生可能没有说实话。
②
学生样本并不具有代表性。接受调查的这些学生可能并不喜欢作弊，不管是在哪种
制度下
3.
在Groventon中成功并不代表在其他学校也能成功。
①
也许Groventon并不只以考试成绩来评定学生的优劣，所以Groventon的学生并
没有很强烈的作弊意愿。
②
也可能与学生的素质高低有关，Groventon的学生都是很优秀的学生，都可以靠自
己的努力来取得好的考试成绩。


提纲也得非常清晰！学习了~红色是亮点！

This argue asserts that colleges and universities should all adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s for preventing rise trend of cheating among college and university students. For supporting this assertion, the author cited a fact that Groveton has less number of cases of cheating per year这么表达不准确文中说了第一年减少到XX，五年后减少到XX不一定就每年都减少 when it adopted honor code rather than old-fashioned system. After this, the author also provided a result of survey to indicate that a majority of students who were invited by this survey said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without. However, the supporting points author provided are too weak for author这个加的多余 to raise the conclusion.

First of all, the author provided evidence that twenty-one cases of cheating were reported at the first year the Groveton had adopted honor code and it was only fourteen cases five years later to prove that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system. However, this evidence is not the case.范文经常用it is not the case. 但evidence显然不能这么用。可以说this evidence is too weak. The author only provided the average number of cheating cases, but author（换成he or she） did not provide the data the Groveton obtained per year before adopting honor code. Perhaps in some years（several years ago） before Groveton adopted honor code, Groveton had less number of cheating cases than twenty-one or fourteen. Moreover, even if Groveton received less number of cheating cases（中文和英文表达同一个意思不一定非要同一个名字做主语，这句可以换成： the number of cheating cases decreased） after it adopted honor code, there is no evidence strong enough to prove that this decline trend is caused by honor code. Perhaps because of the number of students in this college has declined, or students in this college have realized that cheating cannot give them useful knowledge that they should have to learn（诡异的表达，如果学生意识到学习的重要性，那么就不应该中被动情感的have to了，而且还是和should连在一起用。。。直接去掉就好，只用should） in college. Thus, it is hard to convincing （语法错，it’s hard to convince others that, 或者换成it’s not convincible）that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system according the data the author provided.

Second, even if honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system in Groveton, there is no enough evidence for author to assert students in Groveton would not cheating according a result of survey that a majority of students involved into this survey said they would less likely to cheat with an honor code. Because there is no information to prove that the sample this survey used was the one set that can be a representative of all students in Groveton（很中文结构的一个句子，很长很混乱，直接说这些学生不能代表全部就能让读者知道你的意思了。或者直接删去，下面perhaps后面的内容就已经表达了你的意思）, perhaps students involved in this survey did not like cheating no matter with honor code or old-fashion system.（直接 at all） Moreover, perhaps this survey is not anonymous that students involved in this survey had concerns that their school life would be affected by this survey, thus these students lied in the survey. Thus, either one point listed above can prove that this survey is not reliable enough.
这一段的最后两三句，你连续用了几个perhaps 和 thus，换换词比较好。

Finally, even if honor code works well in Groveton and students in Groveton would be less likely to cheat, the author cannot claim that all colleges and universities should adopted honor code similar to Groveton’s. Each school has its own situation.有一个很中文结构的句子，几乎可以直译成“每个学校都有自己的情况”，建议换换，多看看native speakers的文章，找找语感 Perhaps all of Groveton’s students are good at learning, thus they do not need get high test scores through cheating. Perhaps Groveton do not evaluate a student only using test scores.（simply by their scores） So that, the author cannot assert that honor code can also succeed in all colleges and universities.

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should have to demonstrate that the number of cheating cases in Groveton is really declining and this trend is caused by honor code. Additionally, the author also should prove that the result of survey can represent the voice of all students in Groveton. More important is that the author should prove that other schools can also success to decline the number of cheating cases through using honor code, even it succeed in Groveton.

你的提纲非常之清晰，但是表达出来的效果却没有想象中的好，原因我不敢妄加评论，不过有时间多看看文章比坚持不懈的写更重要哈~

说话不客气，别介意~


差点忘记了，你有几处写作者时直接auther了，没有the。第一次出现的我帮你用红色字加上了，后面还有不少，要注意哈~